AIBU to consider a future with DD staying at home?

[Thefutureisorangey]

Family consists of me, DH, DS (19, at university) and DD (16, in yr 11). We are starting to think about retirement but can't afford it without downsizing significantly. There is no other family.
DD is lovely, sweet, honest and vulnerable. Many diagnoses, including ASD, but not helpless - she just doesn't enjoy the chaos and noise of the world. We think she might scrape some grade 4s in her GCSEs. A levels wouldn't be academically appropriate, and our local colleges, though great and providing a brilliant provision, are rowdy and bustling.
So here is my AIBU. DD is showing no signs of ever wanting to fly the nest. She has explained this. We have tried to broaden her horizons but she is so introverted that even holidays now, if we could afford them, would be problematic. She wants to live with us "forever."
Has anybody got experience of this? In just a few months the school is going to want to know where her "destination" will be. Apprenticeships are crazily competitive, level 3 qualifications will be almost certainly too difficult for her, the level 2 qualifications that she's interested in are all very male-centred roles that she has recoiled from when she's actually experienced the environment, and I'm not sure what to do with her!
If we allow her to just stay at home, cleaning, cooking, volunteering for local old folk (which will very soon be us!), is that even an allowed thing?

Does your DD have an EHCP? My son effectively missed yr 10/11 due to MH issues and left with only 3 GCSE's which although good are not enough. He was not capable of dealing with a bustling/busy college or sixth form even if they would have taken him and he would never have coped with an apprenticeship having to deal with not one but potentially 2 new environments. The local SENDiass department in our council proved incredibly helpful (surprisingly). We didn't think he would be able to go anywhere but they suggested a tiny college which we didn't even know existed. And I work in edcuation and though I knew of them all. They specialised in supporting teens with needs and only take a small handful of students each year. It has been the making of him and although he still struggles has blossomed more each year in ways we never expected. Please keep fighting and looking for ways to expand your DD's world, far too soon to make it so small.

My DS is 23. It is just me and him living together at home. He has ASD, ADHD, OCD and general social anxiety. As a young child he couldn't cope with the school environment so I decided to home educate him. We did this for 10 years, but when DS was 15 he wanted to do something more. As he had no GCSEs and no real classroom experience, they had to start him at the very bottom of the educational rung. He did a year in an offsite campus for NEETs with additional needs. This was supposed to be a 2 year programme for 16-18 year olds, but after a year, they felt that he could be integrated into the main college and take a level 1 course. There were limited options, but DS chose IT has he like computers and gaming. They also gave him the opportunity to take Maths & English GCSE resit classes to see if he could take them too. I told him to try it and if he didn't like it or found it too hard, we could think again next September.

Fast forward 6 years, DS took IT levels 1, 2, level 3 which was a 2 year course during lockdown while learning remotely, level 4 HNC and level 5 HND. He passed his Maths and English GCSEs through the resit classes and also took A-Level Maths. He is currently doing an apprenticeship within the MOD.

Every year he likes to have plans about moving out and starting his own life, but he also knows that this would be difficult for him, even more so with the cost of living crisis. But every year he says, maybe I'll think about it next year. DS is 23 now and plans on staying at home until he is at least 27, then he will rethink his moving out plan. We had a lot of family and friends tell us that he would never achieve anything in his life and would never succeed in education. I always told him that he could do anything he wants to do, no matter how hard he thinks it will be. If he wants to move out then I will support him. If he chooses to stay I will support him too. I just want him to be safe and happy!

We never knew where his life would go and it's a massive thing that he has achieved so much and I'm so proud of him. But if he hadn't managed it, I would have been proud of him anyway. I keep reminding him to take one day at a time, and there's a first time for everything! We don't know how we are going to be able to deal with a situation until we are in that situation, so you might as well try.

There might not be a suitable course for your DD now, but something might come up in the future. Or there might never be the right course or the right time. Life will happen as it happen, just make every day count. My DS always says that it doesn't matter what you are doing, as long as you are doing something! Even if it just reading a book or watching your favourite movie.

I think you are being perfectly normal! Everybody has a picture of the future. In your case, you have a child who will remain a child longer than most others and will perhaps not want to 'fly the nest'.
None of us can see the future, so I would suggest you just take one day at a time. If you need to downsize soon, maybe you could still afford a three-bed house, so your DS has a room in the holidays. If not, then a 2-bed place, but many 3-bed houses are around the same price.
Your DD will change as she grows. She will become a woman, but at this stage now it's just not possible to imagine. So try and have faith and let things unfold as they go along, and try not to worry. You understand your DD so well, I am moved by how well you describe her, it seems to me she is better off with you for the next few years, and you would be so worried if she were not with you. Let time take care of the future.
Luckily for me, I have a great faith in God, given me not from my background but from a striking experience. If you can let go and let God take over, it is amazing how things seem to just sort out and fall into place. I shall pray for you all. I know it's not easy for everyone to have the same faith I have.
With all my best wishes and prayers.

The question is, what does she want to do in the short term of she hasnt thought about the long term seriously which is perfectly fine for any 16 year old. You made it sound a lot about you

@justdoingmyduty what a fantastic journey of achievement for your son. I would be over the moon with this progress. I found it so encouraging - thank you for sharing it.

for a start, stop mapping her life out for her and let her be who she is, not all these labels and grades and standards from you. leave her be - heck shes only bloody 16 - god knows who she is and who she will be. It's not really your choice.

Does her school have a sixth form? Might she feel happier staying there? Personally I'd speak to the colleges, explain the situation and see what they can offer before ruling it out completely. If she has a diagnosis then they're meant to accommodate that. Does she have an EHCP? There must be something that's a good fit. If she likes working with older people how about health and social care with a view to working in residential homes rather than volunteering- there is a massive staff shortage in that sector.
As for staying at home. Of course that's fine, she's still very young. You do however acknowledge in your post that one day you will be old. My BIL has ASD and is still living at home at 40 with my increasingly frail in laws. My MIL refuses to discuss or even acknowledge that provisions need to be made for his future. She hasn't allowed him to be as independent as he could be. It's setting him up for a very very difficult time when they're not around anymore and it's a lot of stress for DP and I (and we live 200 miles away). Finding a way for her to go to college and train for a job that will allow her to be independent in the future is really important imo.

Not true. I know many - myself included, that were actually checked up on, to make sure my 16 year olds were either in education, working full time - modern apprenticeship

Maybe try and open up her world to supported living, homes where there would be for example another 2 people with support needs just like your DD, but all 3 of them each having their own room within the house. Whilst staff and support are always there. They help at home, cooking, cleaning, and also in the community to get people integrated where they want to be. It can be life changing xx

The LA can ask but parents are under no obligation to tell them about post-16 arrangements.

YANBU, you're a mother thinking of her child's future.
Regarding her ASD, is there a charity/organisation that can help in your area? For example, here in Norfolk- my ex husband had a support worker from Asperger East Anglia, come into the home a few times a week to help him with what he needed/his goals, like going food shopping with him, teaching him to cook basic meals, etc etc. Sounds like that would be a good option if you have it, which takes the pressure off of you and can teach DD to be independent and get more confidence but without your input (though you can of course help). As other people have said, kids need to be in education until they're 18 but I don't know alot about that!
If you can afford to support DD and are happy to have her living with you for the foreseeable, there's nothing wrong with it. I know quite a few people in my area who are 60's-70's and have their adult children still living them (in their 30's) and support them whilst they work part time or do what it is they like to do.
Hope even just a sentence of that was helpful 😆 good luck OP x

It’s doable (not technically allowed in England, Wales is still 16) but what happens to her when you die and she has zero income (you’d have to fund her unless she qualifies for disability benefits) or life skills?

I’m (dx) autistic mum to three autistic (and one not) sons, all 14-22, and I have a post grad in autism. These are my experiences only.

Our local county has funding links with a specialist post 16 college that gives students supported access into college. That worked brilliantly for son 3 and we are now looking into it for youngest. Your tertiary sector institutions will have something; there should be a specialist careers advisor and possibly even a transition worker based at the local council who can support this.

Eldest accepted the in house college support instead, we dropped him back to a Level 2 despite ten GCSEs. That was to buy him a pressure free transition year to settle in his animal care course. He passed the degree at exactly the same institution last year and is now in a post grad setting whilst still living at home.

There is also the option of course of going back to education later and that was my path, as college overwhelmed me a little (but there was a trauma aspect as well as my close friend died suddenly). In that case she’d be advised to look for even part time work to help her find her place in the world, and learn coping skills.

Her situation is far from uncommon, lots of people aren’t really ready to enter adulthood at the official age. My advice would be to engage with careers now and also enquire with council about transition support services they may or may offer. There are often dedicated routes or placements for people just like her.

My dd is exactly the same. I got round this by starting my own business within which I will employ her … good luck op 😊

I would contact her school and speak with them, they should be able to advise you education wise on what she can continue doing and they should also be able to give advise on when she leaves what she could try to.

She is 16 and has a million+ options open to her. Don't narrow down her life, she will likely change over the next few months, years and mature. It sounds really sad that she is done at 16 in this day and age. There's a whole life out there for everyone. Tell her the world is her oyster. Encourage her to be confident and not worry and fear. When she is ready to just try all sorts, even if she hates it after one day and leaves, until she finds her thing. Which she will.
I would plan your retirement, downsizing etc. DC have a habit of wanting to leave home eventually.

Our local authority has support workers to help children stay on education. They know about all the different courses and options. Also the colleges will have lower level courses with smaller numbers for kids with asd and other difficulties. It's worth taking to the colleges to find out what they have available.

There are loads of kids in college with additional needs as lots of special schools don't have sixth form.

My son has asd in adhd and he loves college, despite being home educated and never going to school before.

It's also worth talking to the LA about transport as they often have assistance and my son had travel training from the council. They also provide subsidised taxis.

I totally agree but the young woman, at this stage in her life , is choosing to do exactly that!
if you read the rest of my post you will see what I’ve written about extra support .

SimonaRazowska
Of course the young woman should fly the nest, she just doesn’t want to. This is what the OP was posting about.. The original poster also said that she thinks she will spend her life looking after the elderly ( soon her parents) . If you read my post, ignoring the tongue in cheek piece, you will see that I’ve written about the support needs of the young woman. You make it sound like I agree she should be chained to them like Cindefuckinella!

I would talk to local colleges in your area they can off all types of support to those who need it, your child is still very young and has plenty of time to find their place in the world.

If they feel happy to get a part time job in something they feel comfortable in doing then I would consider that if education isn’t they route they wish to go down. They should be entitled to additional benefits to help top up their wage and also PIP or DLA as well.

There are many organisations and charities that can also offer help and support to both you as parents and your child and also independent living options for those who cannot live completely independently.

I would do lots of research on the above and maybe go meet with those in the colleges ect to get a better idea if it’s a good fit or not. My son has an ASD diagnosis but he’s still quiet young but yes the future is something that I do worry about but above all his happiness come first.

Have you also considered downsizing and putting a nest egg away for your other child with condition that the home will be left solely to your child with additional needs.

Your daughter is Autistic and whatever anyone has to say about it, the fact is we're less likely to be able to hold a job and more likely to be ill trying.

However, you want to try and give her a good start. Have you looked into specialist colleges local to you? My daughter missed Y11 because she developed agoraphobia. She's now in a specialist college and they've been great. She's learning life skills and afterwards they'll work on education with her.

Schools have very set ideas of what will happen next, they don't allow all options to be a viable thing. I know the places I've been, before I got too disabled to work, were never in a million years things school would have suggested or understood if I said I wanted to do it and it took a long time to find those things. You have to find the path that's right for you without holding too much onto what school says. I wish I had known that as a child and I wish I had access to the internet with all the amazing possibilities of life on it.

You could be talking about my brother here, although my brother has a terminal illness which is in remission, a brain injury & Aspergers.

This will sound harsh but it needs to be said - you need to take into consideration what's going to happen after you & your husband die.

My brother (C) lived with my parents till he was 35 - My mum used to make comments as if C was going to be coming to live with me after they died.
I told her in no uncertain terms this would NOT be happening and that my other brother (E) wouldn't be having it either.
I pointed out that it would be easier for C if they moved him into a house of his own while my parents were still there for support. She was unhappy but came to terms with it.
I pushed for them to apply for a council house for him which they did and after being on the waiting list he was offered a house. They thought about buying him a flat but it would affect his benefits & then they have to pay for the upkeep to the bldg which he wouldn't be able to afford after they're gone.
My parents got it decorated for him & he loves it.
He is on benefits due to his conditions and, to be honest, it sounds like your daughter may be entitled to some kind of help. If she gets a job (16 hours a week was the max previously before you lose benefits) & the wages are low she'd be entitled to housing benefit & possibly universal credit to top it up.
My advice is go and speak to Citizens Advice or social work & find out what to do.
The sad fact is that she WILL need to live in the world after you are gone and YOU need to prepare her and the sooner you get started the easier it will be for her.

I was going to mention what a friend and neighbour does with her 'on the spectrum' autistic son. He lived with her and her younger daughter (his sister) until he was about 19-20. Then he was being slightly violent and controlling towards both his sister and mother (still had issues re wiping etc). His DM found him a small flat locally but it wasn't great as the road isn't the best of roads.

Then she found him a small flat in a Surrey commuter belt town, but very pretty. He first worked in a supermarket where he commuted to work by train but he then found a job in a supermarket in the small Co Op there and he's made friends with a local older woman and her family who's either involved with the church or something like that.

It's been the best thing for my friend as she's since remarried. The only thing she does worry about is he rents the flat with help from social services (he could never afford it by himself) and she's worried that the owner (an elderly woman) or her family would eventually sell it and they wouldn't be able to buy it. He's the perfect tenant though, very clean and tidy and upholds safety/community standards. My friend can't afford to buy him a property, even more so now she's in a blended family with her new husband. Her ex-DH, the son's father, is a total waste of space and I don't think he sees both children now.

I've got another close friend who has an autistic older brother (high functioning) who's lived with his DM all his life but has a job and hobbies (plays football) and friends. His DM has in the past year had to go into a residential home but luckily my friend's older sister (my friend is the youngest by about 10 years) has offered to buy the family home (which my friend originally purchased for her DM and DB) and live there with the brother, the sister doesn't have a partner. My friend is in agreement with this.

OP - I think (I know I responded earlier) the most important thing for your DD is to have hobbies, maybe volunteering and also to think about things like holidays - there must be some way you/she/family or she and her friends could go away. Definitely look into widening her social circle. Think about jobs/apprenticeships too but concentrate on what she likes to do, there's so much she could do.

I know you're only half joking about marrying her off to a farmer but if this was an option then maybe encourage her to work on farms or to attend Young Farmers Balls even join the one below - which is all about young people who enjoy the countryside and rural life:

www.essexyoungfarmers.com/

Rotary Clubs run Youth Exchanges - I joined a Rotary Club for about 3 years when I was 16 and left when I was 19/20 (to go to college and got engaged) but did loads with them, they do volunteering:

www.bing.com/search?q=rotary+club&cvid=815e953a033d46f2b5927b491ad043b4&aqs=edge.0.0l9j69i11004.1843j0j4&FORM=ANAB01&PC=U531

Does she like sewing/crafting/cooking? You mentioned cooking. I recently got Sew magazine in the supermarket, just for something to do. Local libraries often have lots of things happening too.

She could do lifeworks courses to help with supported or independent living skills, possible workplace skills and coping with the world. There are no entry requirements and her current EHCP would help her to access the course.

We have employed a wonderful apprentice in our small business who sounds exactly like your daughter. She has a few gcses and not to a great level but we found her via the government kickstarter scheme getting young people into employment and we were blown away by her marketing skills using social media and offered her a permanent role as a digital marketing apprentice. She thought because of her autism people would write her off but her attention to detail is amazing and her tenacity to see a job through to the end is great. Some days she struggles but we get that and autism awareness have given us loads of advice and support for her in the workplace. There are smaller apprenticeships with smaller companies that your daughter might feel comfortable with and 16 is still early days for her in terms of knowing what she wants to do. Have a look on indeed or on local businesses Facebook pages as there might be more scope there.