AIBU to consider a future with DD staying at home?

[Thefutureisorangey]

Family consists of me, DH, DS (19, at university) and DD (16, in yr 11). We are starting to think about retirement but can't afford it without downsizing significantly. There is no other family.
DD is lovely, sweet, honest and vulnerable. Many diagnoses, including ASD, but not helpless - she just doesn't enjoy the chaos and noise of the world. We think she might scrape some grade 4s in her GCSEs. A levels wouldn't be academically appropriate, and our local colleges, though great and providing a brilliant provision, are rowdy and bustling.
So here is my AIBU. DD is showing no signs of ever wanting to fly the nest. She has explained this. We have tried to broaden her horizons but she is so introverted that even holidays now, if we could afford them, would be problematic. She wants to live with us "forever."
Has anybody got experience of this? In just a few months the school is going to want to know where her "destination" will be. Apprenticeships are crazily competitive, level 3 qualifications will be almost certainly too difficult for her, the level 2 qualifications that she's interested in are all very male-centred roles that she has recoiled from when she's actually experienced the environment, and I'm not sure what to do with her!
If we allow her to just stay at home, cleaning, cooking, volunteering for local old folk (which will very soon be us!), is that even an allowed thing?

Its a terrible idea.

what happens when you’re dead?

You have a responsibility to equip her to survive life. And you aren’t doing that.

can I offer an alternative pov? As a ND teen, she is probably developmentally younger than her peers, possibly more like a 12 or 13 year old. If you think of her in that age range, what decisions would you be making?

She might manage her educational, and work opportunities better when she’s slightly older, so would returning to school or doing some training be an opportunity you would support in her twenties?

I would be very concerned about shutting her down too soon. With autism it’s very hard to get going again, so keeping some level of outside-the-house activity (education or work) would be a top priority even if it doesn’t amount to very much.

I’ve found lockdown set my ds back massively in terms of going out in crowds, travelling, public transport etc. It’s a long, slow climb back up. Are there any supports and services available to her, encouraging independence? Use whatever you possibly can before these disappear when she’s an adult.

I have a decent policy but it will stop in 10 years time. I also had cancer, so that ship has sailed...
That would have been bloody good advice, though, and DH is healthy...

I'd just like to add that a lot can change in a couple of years. My ASD/OCD daughter is now 19, at 16 we didn't think she'd be capable or indeed wish to live independently, she's now studying an equine course at university and living on campus, currently eating a pizza with a friend when she texted me an hour ago. All those things would have been unthinkable if you'd asked me or her even one year ago.

@Whatsleftnow That is a brilliantly new way of looking at it. That has cheered me up no end. God, I love Mumsnet. Thank you xx

@Thefutureisorangey your daughter sounds lovely and nothing like my brother but I really think that once she goes down that path it’ll be so difficult for her to get out of it and while she might be ok now, at 16, what about 26, 36 or 46?

I wish you luck and hope she can find something she enjoys. Like PP said perhaps a bakery or look for employers offering things/courses for SEN. The working world is slowly getting more diverse now and hopefully she’ll find something to suit her. I have previously worked for employers who take this on board and provide adjustments such as individual sound blocking pods to work in, or different tasks to suit peoples needs etc. If she finds the right place she might be pleasantly surprised but she’ll never know if she doesn’t try.

I also agree that a few years can make an enormous difference my eldest is now in her mid-20s and 18 she couldn’t tie her own shoelaces and I actually mean that literally, she’s now living independently. I do have to send a cleaner around every now and then and I do an online shop once every three months to make sure that the cupboards are full but she’s managing she’s alright .

@SomnolentSekhmet Another lovely post - so good to hear. x

I think you may need to look at college
More closely. As part of my job I work with students very similar to your DD. I have recently been in touch with our local college and was pleasantly surprised at the amount of support that is available but not necessarily widely advertised. I am hopeful some
Of my students this year will take advantage of a new course that is basically 'getting ready for college' where students do maths and English (if they haven't already got a 4), do tasters of some Of the courses at college and do some
Life skills. I think it will be a good stepping stone into college and give
Extra time
To really understand what they might like to do next.

Could you look into whether distance/on line courses would count as being in education til 18. She could still volunteer as well if she wanted to

I have two dds who are autistic. One is 12 and the other 9. The 9 year old is very likely to need support forever as she’s non verbal, unable to read/write etc but her sister although our first instinct is to protect her, stop her feeling upset we know we have to do her best to give her some kind of independence. We can’t relay on her older sibling to become a carer.

I think small steps towards independence. As someone upthread has said she’s probably got a younger mental age.

Could you move someone with a few more options sooner?

I agree. Beautifully articulated, too.

My ds is on this kind of course. He did two years doing media design and business studies combined with maths and English and is now on a two year course to prepare him for mainstream education or employment. Would your local college perhaps offer this OP, you might have to travel to a larger town/city to access it.

@Alertthecorgis I think you've hit the nail on the head; we need to move.

@LondonWolf @geogteach Definitely something to look into. I think part of my problem is that we tend not to see the DC who wriggle out of the 'normal' profiles and so need extra support - only somewhere like Mumsnet do we realise we are not alone.

You have all been so helpful - I can't thank you enough. I have to go and boil some pasta now, (!) but I will keep checking back. Thank you thank you thank you xx

I don't want to sound mean Op but the less you expect from you DD, the less she will do. My DB have MH problems and my DP's didn't expect him to do much with his life and never tried to motivate him so he had a couple of jobs early on but had stopped by the age of 21 and never worked again. He lived with them all his life and stopped doing anything outside apart from health appointments. If he had been happy that would have been fine but he wasn't, he knew life was passing him by and became very difficult.
Please, do everything you can to give you DD a life of her own, a reason to go out and engage with the world.. If she lives at home, fine, but you and her Dad shouldn't be her whole world. I wish you all lots of luck

I've mainly only read your responses.

Does she have an EHCP? If not maybe she should be getting one in preparation for college transition. If you apply now one might be done in time. Once she has one if there is a suitable course she can't get to independently she might get travel.

My DD, not with ASD as far as we are aware but other issues, is doing a Level 1 animal care course at college (having done a similar course last year too). Being an agricultural college it is much more quiet and spacious than the 'city based' colleges. Buses come in from all directions but I see numerous taxis dropping off too, some at least will be for pupils similar to your DD. We drive my DD in ourselves as she would be too anxious to use even a taxi.

There is a lot to be said for starting on a Level 1 course, as she can adjust to the new environment whilst the academics are relatively easy, and then progress from there. If she has an EHCP that goes to age 25.

YANBU, but for her wellbeing and future I would get advice on ways of expanding her horizons and maybe developing some skills she could use for even a simple, part-time job so she has something outside of you and some way of earning - it doesn't have to be quick or all at once.

She is still very young and may yet grow more capable of dealing with the world - just make sure she has that room to develop if she needs it.

If you ring your local SENDIAS team you may get advice. You aren't the only one.

You may also wish to repost on the SEN board or the SN chat.

my eldest child is v much the same. He has the attic bedroom.anf is 32 now. He has ASD as well.
He volunteers one day a week and has a friend he sees every week or two but he cant cope with much stress and lots of people etc.
We do have a large family so he gets social contact there and he is responsible for cleaning his own room and doing his own washing etc. So he is as independent as he can manage .
It is not the life I wanted for him but he does a lot online and seems perfectly content with his lot.
Though as you say what happens when we are no longer here ? We hope to set him up in a flat before we pop our clogs .

another one coming on to say she would benefit from EHCP, and wishing you all well.

Do you think she will be able to drive if she doesn't like chaos? Has she tried the junior driving lessons you can do to give her an idea of driving

Dobyou have a primary school within walking distance? Could she (or would she enjoy) volunteer to listen to the children read? Probably would need a recommendation from her school/form tutor but I know lots of primary schools are keen for people to listen to the children reading.