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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep DS off school to extend our time away?

151 replies

takabo9962 · 29/10/2022 19:49

I'm aware I'm probably BU.

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year, he lives 1hr45min/2hrs away in a different city so we only see each other a weekend a month now, he was coming down here during the summer as he's in uni, and me and DS(8) was also going to see him. DS hates school, regularly cries to the point he's sick and it seems like he's scared of going because as soon as I mention school he shouts no and most the time he refuses to go in.

This week was half term so me and DS came to stay with boyfriend we're due to go home tomorrow and I told DS and that he's got school Monday, which then led to him crying, screaming and shouting no. Boyfriend suggested us stay for another week as he probably won't go to school anyway and it'll just cause him a lot of stress.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Millsbills · 29/10/2022 19:49

YABU

have you investigated why your child is so upset about going to school?

Comedycook · 29/10/2022 19:51

No I would not stay. Your ds needs to go to school and avoiding it is not a solution. You need to speak to his school urgently and get a plan together to help him. Sounds like you just want to spend more time with your boyfriend.

FrenchOnionShoeBox · 29/10/2022 19:51

Of course you’re being unreasonable.

Have you looked into why your son find school so upsetting?

sunshineandshowers40 · 29/10/2022 19:51

YABU although I am sympathetic. Keeping him off for another week will only make things worse. Do you know why he doesn't like school? Has he always been like this or has it changed this year? Have you spoken to his teacher?

NancyJoan · 29/10/2022 19:52

Go home, and deal with the school refusal from home.

luxxlisbon · 29/10/2022 19:53

Not taking school seriously and keeping him off for a week so you can hang out with your boyfriend isn’t going to help your son with school.

Its really not normal for an 8 year old to hate school that much and make themselves sick at the thought of going. Most kids that age love seeing their friends.

Do you know why he hates school?
What plan have you come up with the school to address the problem?

LongStoryShorty · 29/10/2022 19:54

Having your child off for a week without a justified cause can actually lead to a fine for you to pay.

PragmaticWench · 29/10/2022 19:55

DD is refusing to go into school at the moment, so I've done a lot of reading around the issue. Everything I've seen says that keeping them off is not a good idea as a stand-alone solution as it just makes it harder to get them back.

Are the school helping you with the issue? The SENDCO or inclusion team should be working with you and your DS to find the cause of his anxiety. They can do things like talking through his whole day and he shows which zone of regulation colour he feels at each point. Just as an example.

If he can do things like going in later, going through a different door, having a safe place he can go to in school or an adult to go to if he feels bad, that can help. A reduced timetable is better than no school as it's less of a distance for him to get back to full time than if he's not going at all.

I think staying off this week would be kicking the can down the road and a bad move.

Zingy123 · 29/10/2022 19:55

Think of your child's education not yourself.

LIZS · 29/10/2022 19:57

Delaying his return will not help. You did not need to forewarn him and have probably rattled him for the rest of the weekend. Focus on upcoming positives - Halloween, fireworks etc - and put bf on the back burner. Ds needs your attention first and foremost. Does he see his father at all?

LolaSmiles · 29/10/2022 19:57

Don't keep your child off school so you can spend more time with your boyfriend.

Go home and speak to the school about school refusal to see what the school can put in place or what referrals can be done to support your DC.

OxanaVorontsova · 29/10/2022 19:59

YABU as you’re not just avoiding the real issue here but making it worse by keeping DS off.

BattenburgDonkey · 29/10/2022 19:59

No it’s not a good thing to do, you need to be at home addressing the issue. Don’t you have to work anyway?

Rauha · 29/10/2022 20:00

YABU

SerenaTee · 29/10/2022 20:01

Do you really need to ask what’s the obvious thing to do? You need to prioritise sorting the school issue, not your relationship.

Whoops12 · 29/10/2022 20:02

I think if you're honest, you want to spend more time with your partner. Which is entirely reasonable, perhaps even more so when if you go back, you'd have to deal with a challenging situation.

But think of the message you're sending your DS - school isn't important, hanging out with friends is, if he kicks off enough you'll reward him with an extended trip.

Time to get to the bottom of why he doesn't want to go to school and to try and help. Have you contacted the school?

EstellaRijnveld · 29/10/2022 20:02

You need to get help for your son so he can have a decent education and not stay shacked up with your boyfriend. Your priorities are all wrong. Does your son have any undiagnosed SEND?

thelobsterquadrille · 29/10/2022 20:03

Hugely unreasonable.

Go home and send your 8yo to school.

Original poster
takabo9962 · 29/10/2022 20:05

He can't tell me why he doesn't like school, he has always hated going in but when he was there he would calm down and do work. He was very close to a class TA but she left and the refusal has got worse this school year, he's only been
2 days and both were struggles with him hitting, kicking and biting as I tried to get him in. He then came home both those days and he was sick and wasn't himself at all. School aren't supportive they just say he needs to be in, Senco also says he doesn't have any SEN.

I'm not thinking of myself and spending time with boyfriend, I'm thinking about DS and his mental health, if he was happy at school of course we'd go home tomorrow and he'd be in school.

OP posts:
Pinkflipflop85 · 29/10/2022 20:05

Yabvu.

You'll just teach him that kicking off about school means he gets his own way.

Your priority should be your child, not your boyfriend.

BasiliskStare · 29/10/2022 20:05

Well one more to say you need to properly address why DS dislikes his school so much and get that one sorted out. That would be my priority .Keeping him off for an unauthorised week is not really solving the problem. I think this is for you to sort out. Boyfriend might think he is being helpful but it doesn't really sound like he is.

LIZS · 29/10/2022 20:07

He's been in for only 2 days in a whole half term? Has the Sendco or Inclusion officer been involved if so,

Loachworks · 29/10/2022 20:07

Fucking hell. Go home and seek a solution for your son. You're encouraging his refusal by giving him an extra week's holiday with your boyfriend.

OxanaVorontsova · 29/10/2022 20:08

He’s only been in 2 days this term?

Overandunderit · 29/10/2022 20:08

You have to be consistent with his schooling. The minute it's seen as a flexible arrangement you'll have even more problems

Your boyfriend is very selfish to even suggest this and has likely done so for his own needs not your DSs.