To keep DS off school to extend our time away?

[takabo9962]

I'm aware I'm probably BU.

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year, he lives 1hr45min/2hrs away in a different city so we only see each other a weekend a month now, he was coming down here during the summer as he's in uni, and me and DS(8) was also going to see him. DS hates school, regularly cries to the point he's sick and it seems like he's scared of going because as soon as I mention school he shouts no and most the time he refuses to go in.

This week was half term so me and DS came to stay with boyfriend we're due to go home tomorrow and I told DS and that he's got school Monday, which then led to him crying, screaming and shouting no. Boyfriend suggested us stay for another week as he probably won't go to school anyway and it'll just cause him a lot of stress.

WIBU?

Every day you fail to get him into school is a day you're failing his future. He has missed so much school already and he will be falling behind.

Get him in. Take control, you're the adult here. School will deal with him when he's over the threshold but you need to be in charge.

I don’t know why you’re asking if you should keep him off school when it seems you can’t be bothered taking him in anyway. You’re not working so why are you not spending your time trying to get things sorted for your poor son? Reading between the lines it’s the boyfriend who’s the priority here, not your son.

You’re an awful parent. Are you one of these that thinks education is optional? Also, why don’t you work? Is it because you barely have an education yourself? Step up and be a fucking parent - warts and all

You carry him into school. He is 8. You BE A PARENT and make it clear that he needs to be there. If he needs SENCO and EHCP assessment, then he needs to BE IN SCHOOL so they can do this (and, if necessary, say that mainstream school cannot meet needs), unless you are already engaging with an EP independently?

Get your head out of your fanny and parent your child.

You have written off a year of your son's education because you might move in with your boyfriend in a year, WTF am I reading!

I should also say that I have two dc with asd. So school has not been a bed if roses. However they both went unless they were sick. Sometimes I had to return home from work at 8am to get my son on school transport when he refused or I had to leave work and drive him in. However he always went because it was a priority. I am sorry but you must do better here.

Poor wee lad.

Clearly distressed and in need of huge support. Parent who is disinterested, shrugs her shoulders and says things "well if he doesn't want to go I can't make him", who hasn't been to the GP and demanded a referral to CAMHS or for a special needs review or to see a paediatrician, and who is planning on uprooting a child who is already struggling to move 2 hours away from everything he knows to live with a man she's known a year.

What a fucking car crash.

You need to either fight harder for your child or accept homeschooling. Either way you need to proactively help your son get an education.

DS does get on well with boyfriend and when we're home he asks to see him again. The TA that left wasn't DS’s TA she was just in the class but DS got on well with her.

Wait, you can’t be fucked doing anything with your sons schooling because you might be moving IN A YEAR??

I can't do anything about moving schools as all the local ones are full, so he'll have to be on a waiting list.

Well given that she has done absolutely no fighting or being proactive to this point, anything would be a start.

I get the impression that education is not high on OP's priority list.

I have SO many rude words which I will not say.

But MY GOD woman, prioritise your child here! What is his literacy like at age 8??

My daughter went through 6 months of anxiety around going into school and it was only sorted with the unfailing support of the school - ELSA support, different start time and a way to get help during the day if she needed. I'd stay at your boyfriend's but spend time this week strongly requesting support and help from the school/Early Help/LA etc. You are not a bad mum, and shame on those saying you are.

My daughter did go to school every day, but it wouldn't have been possible without the school support, and we know other school refusers who get violent and aggressive and it's not safe or practical to physically drag them into school.

Sorry but you're the problem here.

Of course he's going to kick off every single time if you allow it.
My son has a significant special needs and doesn't want to go to school, I still take him. I've even driven him to school in his normal clothes and got the teachers to come out and take him in - and you know what? Eventually his behaviour stopped and he now enjoys school.

You need to contact the LA's inclusion/child out of school team. If he's avoiding school for emotional reasons, it's the LA who have a duty to educate.

Your action plan:
Contact the school and ask for more support
Contact the LA and ask for support.
Visit GP and ask for referral to CAMHS.

What you can't do is ignore this situation by staying with your boyfriend.

You need to be banging down the door of the sendco, it's not for them to diagnose SEN. They need to refer him based on his behaviour. There's clearly something going on. If not SEN then clearly CAMHS referral needed. Something. You can't just keep him home and do nothing to help the situation.

I don't know why you bothered asking OP as you've clearly made your mind up.

I think 2 days this term just because you have struggles getting him into school is absolutely shocking and there is more you can do. He is 8, he doesn't have a choice.

Why on earth you take him to a farm because he won't go into school is stupid. That's just rewarding his bad behaviour.
Maths on the iPad is not as educational as you think is it. He could be on the wrong curriculum and not learning what he needs to for his age.

Your attitude towards it all is just really shitty.

are social services involved yet? In Scotland if you can’t be arsed taking your children to school they get put on a supervision order eventually.

There's a big difference between you sunflowerdaisyrose, who has been a proactive parent when faced with a complex situation surrounding your child's education, and the OP who seems to be prioritising her new boyfriend, has allowed her child to only attend school for 2 days this academic year, and seems fairly content to shrug her shoulders for the rest of the year because she doesn't want a battle and might be moving in with her boyfriend.

If the OP had written a thread saying she was deeply concerned about her child refusing to attend school, she was concerned about getting to the bottom of it, and seeking advice on how to work with school/get relevant professional support then the responses would be very different.

I don’t understand why you’ve started a thread to ask if YABU to keep your child off school for an additional week this half-term when he’s only been in for a total of two DAYS this term. And you drop that into the discussion as if it’s of no account! I mean - why the hell are you so angsty over next week when you don’t seem to have given a shit about the last six?!

You need to get out your boyfriend’s bed, get home and start parenting your child. He’s eight years old, not fifteen - get him into school!

Having been support staff in schools for years until very recently, I’ve seen school refusers. Dc carried in by parents and restrained by the headteacher and caretaker until parent can leave. It’s hard. But schools will work with you to get them in. It’s in their best interest as they then have to answer a lot of questions as to what they’re doing about the child not regularly attending.
OP, I understand it can be difficult to get a child into school however you need to be maintaining a consistent routine and reinforcing a message that school is where they should be going. Part of that means being at home during term time and having expectations around going to school. You deciding to stay away with your new fella is sending out the wrong message to your son. What’s it got to do with your boyfriend anyway? YOU are his parent. Not your boyfriend. YOU call the shots and make decisions for your son and his future.
You model the behaviour you expect from your children, they look up to you for guidance. If you show him it’s acceptable to give up and not bother, what are you teaching him?

Have you considered home education?

I hope she hasn't MilkToastHoney. If she hasn't prioritised her DC's education when he's enrolled in school, it doesn't suggest she'd be prioritising education at home either.
I know some people who home educate, some structured and some unschooling, but they all have a clear sense of purpose regarding their education method.

You have shown your son that him kicking off means he stays off school and now you want to keep him off a week so you can see your boyfriend.
In the short term you are not home schooling so how is he learning the basics, in the long term he will never move out or get a job because he won’t go in-you will be stuck with him forever.
You blame the school, but be honest with yourself I bet they have told you many times there is nothing wrong with him while you cling on making excuses.

Do you honestly get him up. Breakfast. Dressed and start to head off to school every morning or do you sometimes tell your son he doesn't have to bother?

When my dd was around 8 and she was constantly crying, hitting her head, saying she hates herself. I kept her home for 4 days. School insisted I take her in to have a chat by the 5th as they knew it would be harder the longer she was home.

My dd was off for 5 days and we got a £260 fine. Surely you have multiple fines? This was for a holiday but my friend at the same school got fined for her child being absent.

Don't speak to school about an Autism Diagnosis. Do you realise the waiting lists are 2/3 years plus. He could be starting secondary school by the time you're seen. You really should have done this before now.

You need local authority support at the level belong childrens services. It's called family services here (level 3) . They will support you and work with the school and you and camhs if they are involved and I think they should be...

You need help and urgently. Forget your boyfriend and moving in with him. Your priority is to your son.