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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep DS off school to extend our time away?

151 replies

takabo9962 · 29/10/2022 19:49

I'm aware I'm probably BU.

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year, he lives 1hr45min/2hrs away in a different city so we only see each other a weekend a month now, he was coming down here during the summer as he's in uni, and me and DS(8) was also going to see him. DS hates school, regularly cries to the point he's sick and it seems like he's scared of going because as soon as I mention school he shouts no and most the time he refuses to go in.

This week was half term so me and DS came to stay with boyfriend we're due to go home tomorrow and I told DS and that he's got school Monday, which then led to him crying, screaming and shouting no. Boyfriend suggested us stay for another week as he probably won't go to school anyway and it'll just cause him a lot of stress.

WIBU?

OP posts:
myexisawanker · 29/10/2022 22:39

Speak to someone else about neuro developmental assessment. GP might be able to refer.

Most teachers won't know autism - you need professionals.

And you need to have no boyfriend for now whilst you sort this.

myexisawanker · 29/10/2022 22:45

Oh hang on......

Obscure situation. Tick

Poster coming back to post more obscure ridiculous updates. Tick

I can see which way this one is going...

Sorry I wasted my energy typing a response. Perhaps it's a half term special ?

Millsbills · 29/10/2022 22:49

You really see no correlation between you starting a relationship and your child, who has already dealt with the trauma of his father leaving him starting to behave like this?

Your child needs you to step up quite frankly, what you’re describing is very common in children from a trauma background, and a parent not being in their lives is definitely a trauma.

He is 8, an age where you can get him into school if need be, I’d agree if he was a strapping teen but you’re being rather passive about this

QuizzlyBears · 29/10/2022 22:51

Crack on doing what you’re doing. Are you familiar with fast track and parents being fined for failing to demonstrate they are doing everything possible to secure school attendance? Your child’s school will report you to social services and it sounds like it can’t come soon enough. Do better, prioritise your son for goodness sake.

EstellaRijnveld · 30/10/2022 06:59

You go to your GP and ask for an autism referral or your local authority should have a SEND page where you can self refer for a needs assessment.
You take him home today and start the ball rolling to get him the support that he needs. Forget about your boyfriend for now, he’s not important. You prioritise your son and find out why he’s school refusing.

www.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/information-about-autism

parents.actionforchildren.org.uk/education/school-university/coping-school-refusal/

RedHelenB · 30/10/2022 07:10

If you don't work anyway have you considered homeschooliing him.? You're letting him down badly if he's only attended twice in a half term, I'm surprised you're not being badgered constsntly about his attendance.
if it were me is make a schoolday as boring as I could if he refused to go.

Snowpaw · 30/10/2022 07:11

Anxiety isn't cured by avoidance.

Tigofigo · 30/10/2022 07:14

Evvyjb · 29/10/2022 21:16

I have SO many rude words which I will not say.

But MY GOD woman, prioritise your child here! What is his literacy like at age 8??

Honestly if she somehow forced him on it's unlikely to be much better.

Children can't learn when they're anxious.

Struggling with reading and writing is a common cause of school avoidance as there is so much pressure on children to do it, it's obvious if other children are better, and it's a huge part of the school day.

Also his mental health is more important than literacy.

Having said that, OP you absolutely can do more to support your DS. Don't believe what SENCO says, he may not be autistic but he certainly has needs not being met. Get some advice from Not Fine In School.

Tigofigo · 30/10/2022 07:17

Millsbills · 29/10/2022 22:49

You really see no correlation between you starting a relationship and your child, who has already dealt with the trauma of his father leaving him starting to behave like this?

Your child needs you to step up quite frankly, what you’re describing is very common in children from a trauma background, and a parent not being in their lives is definitely a trauma.

He is 8, an age where you can get him into school if need be, I’d agree if he was a strapping teen but you’re being rather passive about this

Would you force a child in who was so upset he hit bit kicked and screamed even on weekends about not going? I'm not sure I would.

I did wonder about the dad. OP was there abuse in your relationship?

Hesma · 30/10/2022 07:19

I can see how it would be tempting but pandering to his school refusal isn’t going to help in the long run

Roselilly36 · 30/10/2022 07:27

I agree with other posters, the issue won’t stop, just pushing it forward another week. You need to get to the cause, is he being bullied, struggling with keeping up with the work, has he made friends. Teacher needs to know so they can help. He 8 if you don’t deal with this now, you will have a lot of trouble with school refusal once he’s a teen and bigger than you. You are his mum, this is for you to sort out asap. Get home and back to school.

Ludwig1 · 30/10/2022 07:28

Do you have to work ? If not and your able to stay home I'd look at home education. Plenty of facebook groups and probably one for your local area. Is he disruptive and emotional at other times or just school? We home Ed and its great. You don't need to follow a curriculum, so please don't worry that you aren't clever enough. Not every child is suited to a school environment and that's OK x

WifeMotherWorker · 30/10/2022 07:33

YABVU. Prioritise your son not your relationship.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 30/10/2022 07:33

takabo9962 · 29/10/2022 20:48

Exactly! And considering the son has only been in 2 days this term? 🙄

@Preeeettyprettygood If you read my post you would've seen boyfriend was carrying him by the the end of last school year.

What, over a year ago, when you'd just met him?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 30/10/2022 07:35

He is a child, you are a parent.

Parent your child fgs.

FamilyTreeBuilder · 30/10/2022 07:40

RedHelenB · 30/10/2022 07:10

If you don't work anyway have you considered homeschooliing him.? You're letting him down badly if he's only attended twice in a half term, I'm surprised you're not being badgered constsntly about his attendance.
if it were me is make a schoolday as boring as I could if he refused to go.

I am all for homeschooling in situations where it's the best option for the child and you have motivated, switched on parent or parents willing to give it a go. But OP thinks 2 days a half term and playing maths games on an iPad is education. Not going to work.

MingoDringo · 30/10/2022 07:42

Bunk off school and get rewarded with a trip to the farm. I wonder why he doesn't want to go.

canyouextrapol · 30/10/2022 07:49

YABVVU. He needs to learn that he can't get what he wants by throwing a strop. You need to find out what the issue is by supporting him going to school. You need to be communicating with the school or finding another school. You should not be putting spending time with your bloke above the welfare of your child

MagpieSong · 30/10/2022 07:50

OP, if SENCO are not listening, you need to take DS to the GP. It may be anxiety or a number of other conditions, but the main thing is your DS is seen and assessed properly. The SEN diagnosis path can be a long, hard slog and some children do not display ‘textbook’ behaviour and don’t get a diagnosis until later.

I would contact the school and explain just how difficult it is and ask if you can work together to improve DS difficulties. It must be really hard for you when DS is so upset, and obviously very hard for him. The most important thing is getting him seen by professionals who can help work out what’s going on for him, especially if he feels unable to say.

My DS hated school and was sick for a while in the mornings, he was then able to tell me he was being bullied. He also needs quite a bit of reassurance. His school teachers are aware of that and provide it. However, it was really important I kept the school updated. We never got to flat refusal stage, but he loathed it.

Obviously in your school, this TA leaving seems to have been key. Can the new TA access any info around how the previous TA worked with your son and which methods she found best? Perhaps that would help.

It may be tempting to take your boyfriend’s advice, but I wouldn’t. This isn’t a can to kick down the road. Clearly, your ds is struggling and school is not going to be the only issue. At this point, it’s not about ‘forcing’ him into school, it’s about seeking help for him from the right people to help he reach a stage he can attend.

LemonsAndCherries · 30/10/2022 07:51

Have you thought that he doesn't want to go to school even more so because if he doesn't then the alternative is day trips to farms etc? He's being rewarded for not going.

One of my sons is challenging to get to school and we have to be very strong to get him there which can be a guilt ridden struggle for us (96% attendance last year).

If he isn't there, we certainly don't go on days out. He has to do 4 hours of actual school work with us at home! So Reading, maths, English (grammar, spelling, extended writing like a story, etc.), science, times tables tests, etc.

School is more fun as he gets to play football!

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 30/10/2022 07:52

Go home and focus on your son's schooling. Whether at the current school, a different school, home schooling, a non-mainstream school. That level of school refusal at 8 needs addressing!

All you are teaching him now is that 1- your boyfriend is your priority; 2- education is not important; 3- he can get out of doing something he doesn't want to do if he makes a big enough fuss.

MagpieSong · 30/10/2022 07:52

I also think homeschool and moving schools are red herrings at this point. The problems causing school refusal need to be identified and supported before looking at changing where education takes place, so your DS can feel secure and move forwards, which is the most important thing.

canyouextrapol · 30/10/2022 07:53

MilkToastHoney · 29/10/2022 22:21

Have you considered home education?

Someone who thinks their kid is doing ok just playing a few maths games on their iPad is not a person who should be home educating. It takes commitment and effort

Joshanddonna · 30/10/2022 07:55

The more you allow him to stay off school the harder it will be to get him in.
Do you have a long term plan? Will you still be keeping him at home when he’s 12? 15? 16?
He can’t build relationships with kids and staff if he’s at home. He can’t learn. You are failing him.
Consistently send him to school, ask school for help. Praise him and encourage him.
Because if you don’t this will only get worse and you will end up with an adult child who is incapable of anything but staying at home with you.

SlashBeef · 30/10/2022 07:58

You sound a bit so unbothered by this. At 8 yes I would literally be dressing my kid, carrying him into school and leaving. This will only get worse as he gets bigger. Your boyfriend and the moving situation should be on the back burner while you sort your child's education out.