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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep DS off school to extend our time away?

151 replies

takabo9962 · 29/10/2022 19:49

I'm aware I'm probably BU.

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year, he lives 1hr45min/2hrs away in a different city so we only see each other a weekend a month now, he was coming down here during the summer as he's in uni, and me and DS(8) was also going to see him. DS hates school, regularly cries to the point he's sick and it seems like he's scared of going because as soon as I mention school he shouts no and most the time he refuses to go in.

This week was half term so me and DS came to stay with boyfriend we're due to go home tomorrow and I told DS and that he's got school Monday, which then led to him crying, screaming and shouting no. Boyfriend suggested us stay for another week as he probably won't go to school anyway and it'll just cause him a lot of stress.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
takabo9962 · 29/10/2022 20:47

FlakeySalt · 29/10/2022 20:42

Then by the end of the school year boyfriend was carrying him in because he just wouldn't go

From 1hr 45mins away? 🤨

As I said, during the summer boyfriend came to see us, boyfriends summer was before DS’s.

OP posts:
grayhairdontcare · 29/10/2022 20:48

I rarely say this but...
You sound a completely shit parent.
Focus on your child and go home

Mariposista · 29/10/2022 20:48

So your kid gets to throw a temper tantrum and you reward it by letting him stay off school? How the heck will he manage as an adult and doesn’t want to go into work?

Original poster
takabo9962 · 29/10/2022 20:48

Exactly! And considering the son has only been in 2 days this term? 🙄

@Preeeettyprettygood If you read my post you would've seen boyfriend was carrying him by the the end of last school year.

OP posts:
SundayFunde · 29/10/2022 20:49

If the school is so unsupportive maybe look for another school.

FlakeySalt · 29/10/2022 20:50

You are massively failing your son.

Evvyjb · 29/10/2022 20:50

I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. You go home and you get your son into school on Monday. And Tuesday. Etc etc. 2 days THIS TERM is ridiculous

Pinkflipflop85 · 29/10/2022 20:51

Mariposista · 29/10/2022 20:48

So your kid gets to throw a temper tantrum and you reward it by letting him stay off school? How the heck will he manage as an adult and doesn’t want to go into work?

Nailed it.

Your child has worked out that if he complains enough he gets his own way.

MrsWhites · 29/10/2022 20:51

Not to pile on but surely you need to investigate new schools or even a more formal home schooling arrangement, you can’t just accept that your child doesn’t want to go to school and think that a trip to the farm and some maths games will cover it.

The current school are letting your son down by not supporting you/him more but ultimately you are his parent and it is you he will look to when he has no education and no job prospects when he’s older!

Untitledsquatboulder · 29/10/2022 20:55

If he can't manage more than a handful of days a term then why not deregister him and home school? He won't be getting less education.

user1471457751 · 29/10/2022 20:57

Given you are unemployed why aren't you home schooling your son if you can't be bothered to sort out the school issue? Playing a few maths games on his ipad is nowhere near good enough. What do you do all day?

Untitledsquatboulder · 29/10/2022 20:57

Evvyjb · 29/10/2022 20:50

I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. You go home and you get your son into school on Monday. And Tuesday. Etc etc. 2 days THIS TERM is ridiculous

And when he has a nervous breakdown, then what? This kid isn't wagging school because he can't be arsed, this kid is telling everyone loud znd clear that he can't cope in school.

BlueMoon23 · 29/10/2022 20:58

You need to go to your GP and ask for a referral. The school must be doing something even if it is just referring you to education welfare to be fined as it will be affecting their attendance figures. There are many things that could be done. I would be asking for a meeting with the headteacher and asking for a reduced timetable, referral to the inclusion and Ed welfare services, asking for additional pastoral support. Who is the new TA? How was this funded previously if school are saying there are no SEN needs?

Original poster
takabo9962 · 29/10/2022 20:59

I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. You go home and you get your son into school on Monday. And Tuesday. Etc etc. 2 days THIS TERM is ridiculous @Evvyjb

How do you suggest I do this? I'm sure I'll have tried everything you suggest.

I don't ‘reward’ DS but if he won't go then I can't force him. I have been looking at other schools but most have no places and would have to be on the waiting list and by the time he gets in one, he'll soon be leaving again as me and boyfriend are planning that me and DS move in with him possibly next summer.

OP posts:
Afterfire · 29/10/2022 20:59

You are too trusting of the senco etc. The number one thing most parents of children with sen will tell you is that you have to push and fight for everything. Diagnosis, schools, etc etc. If your son is so distressed he’s lashing out and can’t manage attending school he does have sen and this needs investigation. Go higher than the senco, apply for an ehcp over their heads and make an appointment with the governors if necessary. Look at other schools. Contact your GP to ask for a referral to your autism pathway (I suspect that’s what’s happening- my son has similar issues and he’s 10, he’s been at an autism specialist school since he was 5). You can’t just have them say he doesn’t have sen and that’s that.

cansu · 29/10/2022 21:00

You need to change the narrative around school. You also need to do better. You shouldn't even be entertaining the idea of staying. If you don't think the school is right change school. You need to prioritise regular attendance.

Afterfire · 29/10/2022 21:00

Cross posted with you but you absolutely need to get the ball rolling for an ehcp now.

GrazingSheep · 29/10/2022 21:01

as me and boyfriend are planning that me and DS move in with him possibly next summer.
Of course you are
Yet another parent prioritising a relationship over a troubled child.

luxxlisbon · 29/10/2022 21:01

takabo9962 · 29/10/2022 20:59

I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. You go home and you get your son into school on Monday. And Tuesday. Etc etc. 2 days THIS TERM is ridiculous @Evvyjb

How do you suggest I do this? I'm sure I'll have tried everything you suggest.

I don't ‘reward’ DS but if he won't go then I can't force him. I have been looking at other schools but most have no places and would have to be on the waiting list and by the time he gets in one, he'll soon be leaving again as me and boyfriend are planning that me and DS move in with him possibly next summer.

Wait, you can’t be fucked doing anything with your sons schooling because you might be moving IN A YEAR??
And in the meantime what? He spends a year on an iPad and occasionally going to the farm 🙄

LIZS · 29/10/2022 21:01

Does your ds like/respect your bf? Would he be able to incentivise him? At the moment it feels as if he has played bad cop to your good by forcing him in? Is moving in with a still fairly recent bf really in his best interest?

cansu · 29/10/2022 21:02

Forget the boyfriend. Focus on getting your child into school.talking about when you move in with boyfriend etc is unsettling. Your ds knows you won't take him in. You need to up your game.

LunaLoveFood · 29/10/2022 21:03

You definitely need to work with the school and inclusion team.
If he is at home, it shouldn't be fun.
He should be learning, he could be using oak academy, spelling frame, bbc bitesize, anything to keep him learning.

Largethighsbadeyes · 29/10/2022 21:03

takabo9962 · 29/10/2022 20:59

I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. You go home and you get your son into school on Monday. And Tuesday. Etc etc. 2 days THIS TERM is ridiculous @Evvyjb

How do you suggest I do this? I'm sure I'll have tried everything you suggest.

I don't ‘reward’ DS but if he won't go then I can't force him. I have been looking at other schools but most have no places and would have to be on the waiting list and by the time he gets in one, he'll soon be leaving again as me and boyfriend are planning that me and DS move in with him possibly next summer.

So you are planning to take an unhappy, unsettled child and unsettle him even more by moving in with your boyfriend almost 2 hours away from where he lives??

Honestly OP get your head out of your knickers and be a parent

Intru · 29/10/2022 21:05

As badly, not as bad. Being a semi-literate shit mother putting getting fucked ahead of your child’s needs is not the best way to behave.

cansu · 29/10/2022 21:06

Also the fact that you are almost testing the waters by mentioning school and whether you will go home or not is reinforcing the idea that school is optional. Think for a minute about how behind emotionally, socially and academically your ds is. You need to prioritise him and his childhood. Your boyfriend suggesting you stay shows that he is not prioritising your ds either.