To keep DS off school to extend our time away?

[takabo9962]

I'm aware I'm probably BU.

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year, he lives 1hr45min/2hrs away in a different city so we only see each other a weekend a month now, he was coming down here during the summer as he's in uni, and me and DS(8) was also going to see him. DS hates school, regularly cries to the point he's sick and it seems like he's scared of going because as soon as I mention school he shouts no and most the time he refuses to go in.

This week was half term so me and DS came to stay with boyfriend we're due to go home tomorrow and I told DS and that he's got school Monday, which then led to him crying, screaming and shouting no. Boyfriend suggested us stay for another week as he probably won't go to school anyway and it'll just cause him a lot of stress.

WIBU?

If the OP's DS is 8 (so presumably year 4) he would have been in year 1 when COVID hit and massively disrupted his education. Some children were much more badly affected by this, especially those prone to anxiety.

OP please seek the help your DS needs. I know it must feel overwhelming, especially if you've not had the opportunity to develop a positive relationship with the school.

The SENCO can't say for sure that there is no SEN. That is not their job. Call them (or arrange a meeting) and request an assessment by an educational psychologist. School can't say there are no grounds for this, given your DS's level of school refusal.

Also ask the school to work with you to get an attendance plan in place. Later start time/reduced timetable/somewhere to sit during breaktimes. If they won't help you then contact the governors. If they still won't help ypu then go to ofsted.

Why not put him on the waiting list for other schools? A place might come up more quickly than you think.

Go to your GP and ask tell them what is happening. They may suggest a referral for autism assessment or an appointment with CAMHS. Yes waiting times might be long but delaying things will just make the wait even longer.

I don't work due to being a single mum, he doesn't see his dad and the only family I have is my mum and she obviously can't have DS all the time and I don't expect her to.

I don't reward him with trips to the farm but I do take him out so he's not inside all day, he won't just go for a walk to the park as he hates walks, he does like the park but its not something he'd enjoy everyday.

DS wakes early so I don't have to get him up for school, I then give him breakfast and try to get him dressed which is a battle, he kicks me, screams and gets himself very worked up. On the slight chance I do get him ready, we walk about halfway and he refuses and sits on the floor and I can't get him to move obviously in cold/rainy weather I don't want to stand there all day and he only agrees to get up if I mention going home. Sometimes we're out until 9:30/10 with me trying to get him in. I've even tried taking him nearer the school on the bus (school is about 5 minutes away) but he just sits at the bus stop, again refusing to move so we end up going home, he plays maths games on his iPad, I try and get him to read a book to me which he refuses as he prefers being read too, he does enjoy colour by numbers etc so he does them but he refuses to do anything else.

On the days I can't even get him ready for school, I take him to the farm, a musuem etc.

I can't just get him in if he's refusing, I've even tried bribing him with days out at the weekend of things he enjoys, but he still won't go.

I have spoken to the GP and he has been referred to cahms but there is a waiting list.

On the days I can't even get him ready for school, I take him to the farm, a musuem etc.

So if you ‘can’t’ even get him dressed for school how do you manage to take him to the farm?

It sounds like most of this has been made worse by your actions. So all he has to do is throw a tantrum on the way to school and you say ‘if we go home will you stop?’ And like magic he gets up off the ground.

Many single mums work. If you were not available to look after him all day maybe he would see the point of going to school. As it is he is rewarded by your undivided attention and doing what he likes. Ask inclusion officer for help getting him there. It seems like you are both caught in a vicious circle.

No wonder he doesn't want to go to school if the other choices are staying home and playing on the iPad, going to the farm or to a museum.

What would you do if you worked?

I doubt he's refusing just because I don't work, if I worked and he wasn't going to school I wouldn't be able to go anyway. I was planning to go to uni but I can't yet as I have to be home with DS and no one else can have him.

I doubt he's refusing just because I don't work, if I worked and he wasn't going to school I wouldn't be able to go anyway. I was planning to go to uni but I can't yet as I have to be home with DS and no one else can have him
School refusal is often a complicated situation and a situation where other agencies and professionals often need to support the child and family.

The issue here is that you seem to have accepted that an 8 year old can decide not to go to school, you don't seem to be doing much about changing the situation, and then instead of school you let him play on his iPad and take him out on nice trips.

So if you ‘can’t’ even get him dressed for school how do you manage to take him to the farm? It sounds like most of this has been made worse by your actions. So all he has to do is throw a tantrum on the way to school and you say ‘if we go home will you stop?’ And like magic he gets up off the ground.
@luxxlisbon

After about 9:30 DS is calmer and will happily get dressed into his normal clothes, so then I can take him places. I've tried to take him to school after going out by taking him to McDonald's first, then trying to take him in but again he refuses to walk or runs in the opposite direction. I let him go home after sitting on the floor for a while as sitting there isn't going to help things it'll just make us both cold and wet.

But working, volunteering, studying etc sets up a certain expectation and discipline to follow. How do you plan to finance your studying while caring for ds? You have indulged him long enough and taken an casual route to parenting. Maybe time for a new tougher approach?

I’d take him out of school completely

i home educate my children now and it’s the best thing I ever did!

I’m a single parent and I work, you’re just full of excuses 🤨

After about 9:30 DS is calmer and will happily get dressed into his normal clothes, so then I can take him places. I've tried to take him to school after going out by taking him to McDonald's first, then trying to take him in but again he refuses to walk or runs in the opposite direction. I let him go home after sitting on the floor for a while as sitting there isn't going to help things it'll just make us both cold and wet.
Of course he's happier by 9.30 because he knows at that point you'll keep him at home or you can go out for the day.

If you're serious about your child's education and him getting appropriate support, you'd be on the phone to all the agencies you can asking for support, not asking if you should keep him with you at your new boyfriend's house for another week.

Op many single parents work. Also many parents both work in two-parent families. Have you ever worked?

I infer that your son used to go into school ok in previous years? Can you not work with the school and other agencies to find out what’s changed? I am amazed you are so casual about this. It is so important. Please start calling and talking to school and anyone they suggest that can help.

So he refuses to go in, sits on the floor and has a strop, then after a while you say ok let’s go home and play games! Why would he go to school? Your approach is very lazy and ‘not my fault’ , not your fault he won’t go to school, not your fault you can’t work (which is a load of rubbish), not your fault the school are rubbish, not your fault other schools are full and you can’t be bothered putting him on the waiting list. A whole lot of excuses as to why you aren’t properly fighting for what’s best for your son (getting an education). Have you gone home so you can face up to these issues with the school?

So he doesn’t go to school and instead gets McDonald’s?

This child is running rings around you.

Can you access a parenting course, or see what resources are available through social services?

What reason do you give to him for why school is important? Usually parents would say children need to learn the skills to get a job when they are older but neither you nor your partner seem to work at all!

It's so hard when your child isn't happy at school. DD2 became physically ill because she couldn't cope with school. I took her out in year 2 after trying a school change in year 1, then I home educated her for a term while we looked at our options. I found a better school for her at the beginning of year 3. It didn't solve everything and she went downhill in year 5, but by then the school knew her well enough to refer for an ASD assessment (that I'd asked every school to support but all had refused).

Secondary was really hard. Year 9 saw a few days off with 'sore tummy' (genuinely very painful but probably anxiety) and she started to avoid school in year 10 properly. School tried giving her a quiet zone, we applied for an EHCP, and they reduced her timetable, etc., but after Easter she just couldn't even tolerate the school grounds. It got to the point that the assistant head who dealt with us asked me to stop making her go in because she could see what an awful impact in was having on her.

After four months, she started going to a PRU for short sessions. Then the LA funded a place at a specialist independent school for children who had experienced EBSA (Emotionally Based School Avoidance) or had life trauma which affected their education. She's been going there 7 weeks and is gradually building up to full-time attendance.

The transformation in her is quite remarkable, to the extent that a mother of an old school friend commented that she just looked 'different'. She's less pale, more relaxed, more engaged in every day life. We're not 'there'. She still feels horribly anxious today and doesn't want to go back to school on Tuesday (holidays were always hard), but she recognises that it's her default reaction and she knows that her new school is fine.

I do hope you get this sorted @takabo9962 but you will need to engage with the school and you will need to get support.

This is a bit unfair.

Lots of parents don’t work for all sorts of reasons. It doesn’t define someone whether they work or not - yes, it’s a different argument if they’re relying on benefits and “could” work but I really hate this attitude we seem to have in this country where someone is only defined by their career.

There are lots of good reasons for going to school other than to prepare a child for work!

On the days he doesn't go to school do you home school him? If you don't then you should otherwise he's going to fall way behind.

The school could. You need to stop facilitating this.

Stop facilitating this behaviour by indulging him. You are supposed to be the parent!

You need to go home.
You have huge issues to address and you're avoiding them by staying in a happy bubble for another week. I don't blame you, but you're only putting off the inevitable unless you plan on staying away for ever.
I assume you told DS today was going home day? If so, you need to stay firm. Chopping snd changing plans is really bad for him if he is anxious, as he needs to know what's happening.
I'm not sure it's the best idea either for DS to go from very happy holiday mode at BFs straight to the thing he hates most. For the future it would be better to have a weekend at home to 'come down' from the fun and mentally prepare for school ahead. For that reason, I might consider postponing his return for a day on this occasion only BUT for a day at home not another day at BFs.
You really do need to go back to the school and ask for help. Make it your top priority.

Obviously sone people have reasons for not working but I haven't seen any reasons given for neither her nor her partner not having a job though.

You don’t work, so you should home school him. He’s eight years old, so will have been in school for three years.

I don’t see how taking him to the park, or a museum, or for McDonalds helps his school refusal. He’s got used to deciding what he wants to do and kicking off if he’s not allowed to do it.

CAMHS usually have a long waiting list, so something needs to happen whilst you’re waiting. It might not be the cure you expect anyway and it will take a long time. What makes you think that a place in another school will be any different? If he’s only been in school for two days this term, he can’t possibly know what’s it’s like this term.

I think you’re doing your son a complete disservice OP. You’re showing him that if you kick off, you get your own way. You’re showing him that you don’t need to do things you don’t want to do. Do you expect him to get a job when he’s an adult. There’s no evidence that he has experience of his family having to work for a living.

Of course DS has SEN. He does have SEMH needs and the school should be providing support for that. Whether he has something like ASD is a separate matter - and the school aren’t qualified to say DS definitely doesn’t autism.

If DS can’t attend school due to EBSA the LA should be providing alternative provision. As they aren’t you should ask for that to be put in place. In addition to that apply for an EHCNA.