To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

[dhaex]

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

• shaven pubic hair
• a bit of makeup
• hair not looking a mess
• a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

Was he like this before you were TTC?

Personally;

shaven pubic hair =a trim is all he would get from me
a bit of makeup =meh, surely sex then just messes it all up?!
hair not looking a mess = quick brush
a wash beforehand = a must in my eyes

Does he do all of those things?!

If you’re feeling stressed and alone , please take a break from TTC. You need to take care of yourself first.

Lack of respect, dismissiveness and selfishness are things that jump out here @dhaex . Is your DH like this all the time? Is he a bit of a bully? You don't seem like a team ready to take on a potential massive life changing event together.

Our bodies are amazing at controlling things that our heads might be dealing with. You've already mentioned counselling then things aren't great if he's not willing to put the effort in.

He can't "get it up" because he watches too much porn and needs you to look and act like a porn star to get off. Don't breed with him.

I hope he knows that porn will eventually break his dick.

Are you sure you want to have a baby with him?

Has he had his fertility tested?

@MovingOnUpp no because it's been years of TTC, but we are also much older now so it could be age for him things are changing? I don't know how this stuff works

I also just knows he's stubborn AF and will not change watching porn

I think in summary I should make the effort he wants at least for the three key dates of the month and if it is still issue for him getting it up then he needs medical help or maybe we need to address a deeper relationship issue at that point ?

So what is HE doing to turn it around for you?

He’s given you a list of things that you must do to “turn him on”. But it doesn’t sound like he’s turning you on. The entire responsibility, of this, does not entirely lie with you. He has to make an effort, also. There is definitely a huge imbalance here, and something else going on.

All those people going on about spontaneity- they've been together 1p tears and are trying to conceive. The KNOW they are going to have sex. A quick trip to the bathroom for a sluice would take minutes!

Sorry, I hesitate to say LTB but having seen your updates you probably should.

Same as some PP, I rarely wash immediately before sex. We sometimes have sex in the middle of the night, we're not getting up to wash beforehand. Our general level of hygiene is great, regular showering, there's no need for another shower before sex. I want DP to smell of him, not Imperial Leather .

OP, you've described him as childish, mysoginistic and porn obsessed. I think you're suffering from the sunk costs fallacy. There are other man out there who are nice and will enjoy having sex with you just as you are.

If this is how you feel then you know what you need to do. Do you seriously want this type of person to be a father to your children.
Kick him out or leave him and start your life a fresh. You will find a man someday that is worthy of being a partner and father.

@SnoozyLucy7 he asks me what I want him to do sexually and that he will do anything - it I don't want him to do anything ! And clearly the things. A guy can do are limited compared to women

Maybe he could lose a few pounds but I've asked him to do that over a decade he won't so I just think whatever.

It's not a deal breaker I'm not really that bothered by it

WTF I don't wash before sex. I shower in the morning and after gym classes but not before bed. And we have morning sex so definitely not washed at that point.

He is trying to blame you for his issues

I don’t see why you should make any effort for sex with a misogynist op- surely you can find a better man to be the father of your child or even have one alone rather than accept this

Anyone saying to me they wanted better quality sex would have to go looking for it elsewhere- the absolute audacity of the man

So your solution is to change the things that he wants and ignore the bits that are troubling you because he is stubborn and that wont change.

How long have you been TTC - I think some deeper issues are at play here

Do you get any pleasure from the sex btw? At least tell me this man can give you an orgasm

OP, you would probably get better quality sex with a different DH. He sounds terrible.

Sorry to be blunt but your body is telling you not to have a baby with this man.

@dhaex

What are you getting from this relationship? I mean that genuinely.

You don’t sound very happy to be honest. Do you really want a baby with a man like this?

The idea he wouldn’t want to work on issues would be enough for me to can it all frankly.

Right?! Having a shower immediately before sex reminds me of getting washed before an operation. It’s so clinical. Wash in the morning and sex happens whenever it does that day! Goes without saying that you’d wash your face and brush your teeth before bed but a full on shower? And then putting make-up on? And just when are you supposed to fit in a bikini wax?!

If that's how you feel why would you have a child with him? That's crazy.

Reading your additional posts then I am not really surprised you don't feel like making an effort. Doesn't actually sound like he is at all. I could understand if you are unhygienic but you're clearly not. I've never come across a man who has insisted on washing directly beforehand if the other person has normal washing habits. Porn definitely sounds like a bit of an issue here.

@Merryoldgoat couldn't have said it better.