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Original poster

To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

646 replies

dhaex · 29/10/2022 11:19

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

  • shaven pubic hair
  • a bit of makeup
  • hair not looking a mess
  • a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

OP posts:
MzHz · 29/10/2022 12:11

Ffs! Have a shower before bed! No wonder he’s struggling to find you attractive if you don’t bother with basic hygiene!

gross

NoNameNowAgain · 29/10/2022 12:11

It depends exactly what you do, but to me they are all unreasonable unless perhaps you only bath once a week or something.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 29/10/2022 12:11

I wouldn’t want to sleep with someone who doesn’t wash, either. That’s basic hygiene. The rest is ridiculous.

Powderandpaint · 29/10/2022 12:11

As all this boils down to personal preferences it's very difficult for anyone to say whether DH is being unreasonable or not.

Are you sure he's not using this as an excuse not to have sex with you, OP, because he's cheating?

My exH started criticising my weight when he was detaching himself from the marriage in favour of OW.

I was 5'2" and 8st at the time! 🙄

I'm sorry OP.

CanINapNow · 29/10/2022 12:12

Was your husband having these issues before you were TTC? It may be that the sex schedule is putting pressure on him. When sex feels like a task it can be tricky. Making a little effort is essential really to keep it sexy.

Me and DH are also TTC. Washing is a must, and doing your teeth. I trim ‘down there’ with an electric trimmer every couple of weeks, easy and low effort but keeps things nice. A clean face is fine, no makeup needed, that’s just silly. I’ll run a brush through my hair, chuck on a nice nightie or pjs and spritz some perfume on. Perfume is so easy and makes such a difference! I put my comfy pjs back on afterwards lol.

Buy yourself a couple of nice nighties from m&s and seduce him a bit, men want to feel desired, they’re cave men at heart lol.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 29/10/2022 12:12

MzHz · 29/10/2022 12:11

Ffs! Have a shower before bed! No wonder he’s struggling to find you attractive if you don’t bother with basic hygiene!

gross

The OP has stated that she showers twice a day.

Bruciebabyoh · 29/10/2022 12:12

MzHz · 29/10/2022 12:11

Ffs! Have a shower before bed! No wonder he’s struggling to find you attractive if you don’t bother with basic hygiene!

gross

Read the thread before commenting.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 29/10/2022 12:13

Yesthatismychildsigh · 29/10/2022 12:11

I wouldn’t want to sleep with someone who doesn’t wash, either. That’s basic hygiene. The rest is ridiculous.

The OP has stated that she showers twice a day.

Bruciebabyoh · 29/10/2022 12:13

dhaex · 29/10/2022 11:48

Yes to update we do date nights regularly and spend a lot of time together.

He also does wash his gentians before sex (think he has a bit of ice to be honest) and also he recently shaved pubic hair to make a point but I'm not bothered either way - for him it's a big deal which I find childish

@dhaex Can I just check, are you saying you think he has lice?!

Merryoldgoat · 29/10/2022 12:13

I have never washed specifically prior to sex. I shower daily (sometimes twice), brush my teeth twice a day and have clean hair.

if you have decent hygiene standards (as OP clearly does) additional washing is unnecessary.

We all have preferences but being so prescriptive says to me that his porn use is impeding his ability to be aroused by normal sex.

To be honest OP he sounds like a misogynistic sex-pest but I have a very low tolerance for this shit.

What happens when you get pregnant and feel shitty - will you still be expected to perform? What if you get too fat during pregnancy? What if you can’t have sex (SPD etc)? Will he decide you’re not keeping up with your side of the bargain?

what about post-partum when you’re knackered, lactating and sore? Still expected to maintain these standards?

For me this would ring severe alarm bells.

xPeaceX · 29/10/2022 12:14

dhaex · 29/10/2022 11:41

I should also add to my last post that I wash twice daily, we have been TTC on and off now for a few years so it's really taking its toll.

I just don't know what to do but I have little enjoyment in sex anymore due to this and it doesn't help in terms of being inspired to make an effort.

It's dragging me down

if you wash twice a day then lose this guy.

You haven't got children yet, the last thing you want is to have children with a man whose coping mechanism is to blame you or shame you.
He can't get it up = your fault
Shaming you, implying your twice daly washed fanny is too dirty.

God, run for the hills and let him figure out his erection issues on his own.

napody · 29/10/2022 12:14

RewildingAmbridge · 29/10/2022 11:35

Has he been watching a lot of porn? He can't get it up if you're not wearing makeup, hair done, pubes shaved.....
Washing is a fair request if you don't already, if you do he's just using it as a cruel excuse to pin his impotence on you

She does wash twice a day so I think it's the second possibility.
Agree about the porn.
I thought it was gonna be about enthusiasm as that can wane when ttc..but no. He's definitely BU.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 29/10/2022 12:14

MzHz · 29/10/2022 12:11

Ffs! Have a shower before bed! No wonder he’s struggling to find you attractive if you don’t bother with basic hygiene!

gross

@MzMzHz Ffs! Read the full thread! Put the effort into reading responses before leaving a twatty comment - do better.

Crackof · 29/10/2022 12:14

dhaex · 29/10/2022 12:07

Counselling he would never consider he's told me before if a relationship needs counselling in his mind it's already over.

No relationship would need it which I find ridiculous but I can't drag him there

Do you think you're going to grow old and wrinkly and comfy and uninhibited and hilarious with this man? Because I seriously doubt it. He's a child, and not in a good way.

Original poster
dhaex · 29/10/2022 12:14

@Bruciebabyoh lol sorry was a typo I meant OCD

OP posts:
Bruciebabyoh · 29/10/2022 12:14

CanINapNow · 29/10/2022 12:12

Was your husband having these issues before you were TTC? It may be that the sex schedule is putting pressure on him. When sex feels like a task it can be tricky. Making a little effort is essential really to keep it sexy.

Me and DH are also TTC. Washing is a must, and doing your teeth. I trim ‘down there’ with an electric trimmer every couple of weeks, easy and low effort but keeps things nice. A clean face is fine, no makeup needed, that’s just silly. I’ll run a brush through my hair, chuck on a nice nightie or pjs and spritz some perfume on. Perfume is so easy and makes such a difference! I put my comfy pjs back on afterwards lol.

Buy yourself a couple of nice nighties from m&s and seduce him a bit, men want to feel desired, they’re cave men at heart lol.

I wouldn’t be seducing a man with lice projecting his shit on me.

Mindthegap725 · 29/10/2022 12:14

dhaex · 29/10/2022 12:07

Counselling he would never consider he's told me before if a relationship needs counselling in his mind it's already over.

No relationship would need it which I find ridiculous but I can't drag him there

It sounds like a tough situation op I'm sorry. Flowers

It took me a very long time to conceive and hold on to a pregnancy so I know how it feels. And it's a lot of pressure on you both.

If he won't go to counselling could you try and re-set the pattern a bit by going off alone on a holiday. Or go together somewhere quiet and peaceful and agree just to enjoy one another's company without having sex for a week? And then see what happens?

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 29/10/2022 12:14

Yesthatismychildsigh · 29/10/2022 12:11

I wouldn’t want to sleep with someone who doesn’t wash, either. That’s basic hygiene. The rest is ridiculous.

The OP has stated that she showers twice a day.

Why don't people at least read the OP comments before commenting themselves?

Bruciebabyoh · 29/10/2022 12:15

@dhaex Oh ok I was thinking jeez he’s got a cheek.

xPeaceX · 29/10/2022 12:15

Same as merryoldgoat, i've a very low tolerance for ''this shit''. if that means I never have another relationship I'd rather not. Any man expecting me to shave or wear make up to bed when he probably looks like eddie yeats can just be another x.

BaconCabbage · 29/10/2022 12:16

Hmm okay so you are pretty clean, it's not a hygiene issue.

Tbh as you said he watches porn, wants you to look more 'porny' and is having issues getting it up.

I suspect that if he gave the porn a rest for a while he might suddenly rediscover his erection.

Death grip?

hopeishere · 29/10/2022 12:16

Smilelesstalkmore · 29/10/2022 11:31

What do you mean by 'a wash beforehand'?

I shower every morning, but I don't go and specifically wash my minge in anticipation of sex?

Me too!! Do people really prep for sex??

Bruciebabyoh · 29/10/2022 12:16

Anyway, I don’t think I could be doing with being handed a list like this, if you shower twice a day etc I think he’s being a bit weird. Does it not just kill it for you being given a list to do before he’ll have sex with you? Confused

Downdaysoon · 29/10/2022 12:17

If he can’t get it up , it’s not because you’re not wearing make up. He needs to sort out his medical issues before blaming you.

Original poster
dhaex · 29/10/2022 12:17

Merryoldgoat · 29/10/2022 12:13

I have never washed specifically prior to sex. I shower daily (sometimes twice), brush my teeth twice a day and have clean hair.

if you have decent hygiene standards (as OP clearly does) additional washing is unnecessary.

We all have preferences but being so prescriptive says to me that his porn use is impeding his ability to be aroused by normal sex.

To be honest OP he sounds like a misogynistic sex-pest but I have a very low tolerance for this shit.

What happens when you get pregnant and feel shitty - will you still be expected to perform? What if you get too fat during pregnancy? What if you can’t have sex (SPD etc)? Will he decide you’re not keeping up with your side of the bargain?

what about post-partum when you’re knackered, lactating and sore? Still expected to maintain these standards?

For me this would ring severe alarm bells.

Completely agree with this post. I feel he is childish and misogynistic - he will never ever give up watching pork he thinks it's normal part of life.

Sadly I just don't know what to do here, I feel very stressed by all of this and have noone to talk to about it, now where to go

OP posts: