To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

[dhaex]

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

• shaven pubic hair
• a bit of makeup
• hair not looking a mess
• a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

Are you sure this is about washing and make up or is this more about your relationship?

Is it more about the TTC? If it's become a stress I mean? That's very understandable if so. Are you able to talk about how it makes you both feel?

Sexual desire is, in the main, not so much about how the other person looks or what they do or don't do, it's normally about how we feel inside. Whether we feel strong, empowered, attractive, on top of our game.

It could be then that your husband feels disappointed in himself? A bit low and run down. And he's transferring that feeling to you? Can you talk to him about it?

Thank you. This is also part of the problem he wants regular sex OUtSIDE the window which means during the window it's exhausting,

It's making me just want to do it those three key days and sod it off most of the the remainder of the time but he doesn't understand this logic he wants it consistently throughout the month

Isn't sex meant to be spontaneous?
How can.it be if you have a list of things?
What happens when the lost gets longer?

Sorry wrong thread I have reported

I suspect it is the TTC issue. It can get a bit much. I for one went right off sex, when I felt I had to do it on demand/to the calendar. I feel a fraud, saying it took 5 years to conceive, because I know I wasn't really "trying" at the time that counts. My DP had no such issues, but I believe it is very common in men TTC and obviously women too. As a means to an end I would meet these demands, apart from shaving.

Is there a big age gap between you / is he much older than you?

Thank you, been together over ten years and yes have had things looked into

Apologies, just seen your update.

Know wonder you can't be bothered if you have to have a checklist. Not exactly romantic is it? I would hold off on TTC until you've ironed out some communication issues.

But if you’ve already washed that day why do you need to before sex? What about all that spontaneous sex people have, do they suddenly stop proceedings so they can go have another shower? Assuming a person is not rank washing beforehand seems rather clinical. Again, assuming not rank, I rather like the smell of (unrank) human skin on skin. 🤷‍♀️

To me it sounds like the relationship has run its course. You can't be arsed making an effort, he's not that attracted to you.

What's going on in the rest of your lives together? I'd pause and review everything, perhaps with the support of a counsellor.

Definitely stop trying to conceive until you've worked this out.

Can I also ask another question, how many times a week should be normal to have sex outside of the three key times around ovulation when TTC?

I think this is creating burnout for me

Tell him he needs to grow a better quality dick.

Yes me.

Could be porn use and nothing to do with things OP could do to increase the quality of his experience?

Sorry. X posts before.

Could you take some time out for some counselling together? With someone who is familiar with fertility issues?

For me

Shaven? Yes but trimmed is also fine for me. Prefer him trimmed at least too.
Makeup? Nope seems weird to put it on for sex
Hair? Surely hair will get messed up if you don't just lie there?
Wash? Absolutely I do this and I would expect the same in return

@dhaex A normal amount of sex should be how often you actually want to have sex. If it feels like a chore, something has to change for you, not him.

😂

I don't get it either. Do you stop mid foreplay and run to the bathroom? Or is sex only at scheduled times and you prepare.

I wash daily anyway but if we started getting down to it at midday (fat chance these days!) I wouldn't be running off to wash my vag or asking him to go dunk his penis. Maybe we are gross but sex is gross anyway when you think about it.

Counselling he would never consider he's told me before if a relationship needs counselling in his mind it's already over.

No relationship would need it which I find ridiculous but I can't drag him there

We rarely did it outside that week but we're usually shattered!

Sorry but there are bigger issues at play here @dhaex

Everything else aside, this relationship doesn't sound great. I'd think again about the baby and tying yourself to him that way.

There you go. It's a known passion killer. In fact, ethics boards won't even let academic researchers study the effects of porn any more because it is SO AWFUL.
Ban it. Or ban him.

He’s projecting.