To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

[dhaex]

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

• shaven pubic hair
• a bit of makeup
• hair not looking a mess
• a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

I agree with @mathanxiety.
Google death-grip syndrome.

Of course you would wash! If he didn't he would get no where near me. Clean brushed hair, fine. No to the shaving, I find it just too uncomfortable. Some sexy underwear yes, and lots of foreplay (oral, different positions etc) quite happy with that.

If DH got into bed unwashed, unbrushed teeth, and jumped on and off, that's a no from me. If you're doing the female equivalent then no wonder he's not interested.

How long has his erectile disfunction been going on? Because let’s face it, this is the crux of the matter. He can’t ‘ get it up’ so he blames you. The easy target. Rather than accept

1. Shaven pubic hair. Trimmed maybe, but shaven. No. this is a personal choice, no one tells me how to arrange my pubes. I have compromised but never obeyed
2. A wash, yes I’d freshen myself up. I expect the same from him.
3. Make up. Has he been looking at a 1950’s Woman Weekly in the How to Please and Keep Your Man. Or maybe watching too much porn?
4. Brush hair, I’ve been known to drag a piece of wood with two nails in it through my unruly mop or tie it back, nothing worse than a face full of hair flopping all over or stopping mid thrust to fling it over my shoulder.

🙄You could try reading OPs posts.

Also the ED happens not all the time - it's perhaps once or twice in ten

Grrr. Wish we could edit. * Rather than accept the problem might lie with him he blames you.

This is surprising if you’ve been TTC for years

usually IVF is suggested at the 6 month mark of older and 12 months for anyone else.

Also there is nothing stopping you going privately, but I’d warn you, many clinics suggest and provide counseling as part of their packages

I think he is massively unreasonable tbh. He should love you, find you attractive and want to have sex with you whether you're in joggers or dressed up.

Obviously a lot of people get turned on more when a woman is dressed up in heels, makeup etc and the same for a man when he is dressed up in a suit, beard tidied up etc. But him blaming his erection problems on you not looking exactly how he wants you to is very concerning.

I'm sorry you're beginning to feel defensive. Also sad that you clearly very much want children but have had such difficulty. I don't understand if it has been years and years, yet you haven't mentioned getting any help with this from specialists. Specialists would usually have been suggesting other forms of help rather than just keep on having sexual intercourse for years and years.
Aside from that, it feels like your dh is constantly telling you what you must do to make him want you. You must wash, you must shave, you must make up your face, you must brush your hair. What is he doing, aside from suggesting candlelight (you'll be the candles), meals (which you'll probably cook) and making more effort to be 'attractive' (= stockings and suspenders I bet).
Where's the 'I'll stop watching porn, I won't masturbate for a week beforehand, i'll try to kiss and cuddle more, let myself get a little aroused then refrain, I'll wear the same aftershave I wore on our wedding night. So I'll be very ready when you are!'
Crap consensual sex is a 'we' problem.

For a long-term relationship, its just obvious to me that I want a partner who finds me desirable in my natural state. The same for my attraction to them.

My natural hair colour, and texture. My natural skin, pigmentation and all. My natural face, without enhancements. My natural body hair, growing freely. My natural body smell, clean, or freshly sweaty, or pheromones flowing.

Anything else tells me we're incompatible. As well as being way too much effort!

He needs to see a gp about getting his “problem “sorted, Typically men have this problem always seem to deflect onto their partner to save face. This all sounds a bit too controlling to me.

@DrunkOnHim Op admits she can't be arsed to make an effort and doesn't wash immediately before sex. So I did read it. Sex is about attraction not take it or leave it.

Napoleon once wrote to Josephine "Don't wash. I'll be home in three days."

Gosh Op, really feel for you. It's great you have the option of Ivf down the line, so that in itself gives you some space and hope. Hopefully amongst all this feedback there is some advice that gives you a new perspective and also some reassurance on what are reasonable partner expectations. If you are happy in your relationship apart from the stresses that TTC have brought about and accept your dh for who he is, end of day that is your choice of course. What would I do? Take myself off for some counselling, with a warm and nurturing counsellor for some support and to check there's not a significant factor you are blinded to. Then, I'd go get a series of acupuncture sessions, seriously. Thirdly, try and factor in more fun and lightness for yourself and break the cycle of intensity. (Not judging you here, can understand how easy it is to get fixated and desperate with a perceived ticking time clock.)

OP I feel for you both. TTC takes away all the fun in sex it really does and if you’re anything like me when it’s ‘go’ time you’re just right let’s get to it.
I think even if you’re not interested in sex outside of your fertile window (understandable!) you could try and make it a bit more exciting on these days. Imagine the pressure he feels knowing you have to have sex on these set days, that could stop anybody from getting it up. I don’t think he’s being misogynistic I think he’s telling you he’s struggling with how TTC has changed things for him and that doesn’t make him a bad person

I agreed with you. I mean, I don't expect oral (and wouldn't give it either) first thing in the morning but I also wouldn't want to break the mood by washing first! If I wanted oral, or he did, then I'd expect a genital wash.

Who the fuck washes ‘immediately’ before sex? 😂 So many fucking weirdos.

I'd say try to expand your personal definition of sex.

There are limited numbers of days in the month when you want/need to do PIV.

For the rest of the month you could do everything but PIV, meaning there's less pressure on him to get an erection that works for penetration. [Watch porn together, use your hands, use toys etc]

Counselling presented as 'support for trying to conceive' might help? It's not your relationship that needs help, but the stressful situation you're in.

Finding ways to reduce the pressure of trying to conceive would help - what's your plan if you're not pregnant in the next six months? Next twelve months? How are you doing financially re paying privately for IVF/saving for a child? Do you know the local restrictions on NHS IVF. If you don't conceive in the traditional way or via IVF, would you be considering adoption? For me, having a plan of 'if x fails, I'll try y' is reassuring. Are you taking advantage of being able to do things that are hard to do with small children around - not necessarily expensive ones, but things like long lie-ins.

Because I do value hygiene I'm not going bear my pubes with a razor. Is he in his 60s?

If he can't get it up without a certain look he probably has a porn habit. Sorry

Who the fuck washes ‘immediately’ before sex? 😂 So many fucking weirdos.

Quite a few overly fastidious and clinical mumsnetters apparently. You would think that people never washed from the way they have posted.

What does washing before sex mean? Does it mean having a shower or just washing certain bits? If certain bits then how and which bits?

Has OP been replaced by her husband posting on this thread? Suddenly there is no problem at all.🙄

@Haffiana I never said there was no problem it's why I posted!

The question still remains - why is having a child more important to you than having a decent relationship with your husband?

Is he just a sperm donor now?

He is full of shit. His ED is his issue and he is projecting it onto you. His demands will get worse because they won’t work to help ED. Believe me a horny man doesn’t care if your hair is brushed or not. Unless he gets help I would leave and be pretty pissed off that he blamed you.