To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

[dhaex]

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

• shaven pubic hair
• a bit of makeup
• hair not looking a mess
• a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

Haha most people must plan and book sex with a shower before hand. Mine just happens naturally. My ‘minge’ as another poster called it, is generally clean to have spontaneous sex. It’s never that dirty enough to have to have a shower before hand lol

Clearly myself and DH are disgusting! I have never once (neither has DH) washed before sex. Sex is just a spontaneous thing that happens, can't imagine having to plan it or have set times/days to prepare with a wash before hand.

I thought you were going to say he wanted you to dress up as a Hungarian milkmaid or do unspeakable things to you with an Ann Summers footlong dildo. Having a wash, brushing your hair and giving your fanny a quick shave and whacking on a bit of lippy and perfume is pretty basic stuff and prerequisite to sex. In fact I would do that to leave the house to get a pint of milk (perhaps not the shaved fanny bit). There’s ‘can’t be arsed’ and there’s living like vagrant. Poor bloke! Have a wash, put some blusher on! You’re talking ten minutes effort.

I agree and think some posters who perhaps have no idea what it's like to take years, YEARS to conceive are just being unrealistic.

It took me 17 years, yes 17 YEARS.
We decided that getting uptight about it and making TTC a chore was not the answer, and took the view that if it happened it happened, I got pregnant at 41.

I’ve been through taking years and years to conceive and it is shit and can very very easily destroy a relationship. How recently have you spoken to a fertility clinic? Because even if both of you have had all the tests and they’re fine, after years and years of trying to conceive your chances of natural conception are very very low and you need to get on with assisted conception before you’re too old.

I do 0 out of 4 of those things, I'd wash if I'd been particularly sweaty that day.

I also don't think those things add up to quality sex, that's more about enjoyment and connection, not how closely you can resemble a porn star!

Washing immediately before sex, every single time, is somewhat what most people on here do?

What about spontaneous sex? Do you break off, rush off to the bathroom? Or do you perfectly fine for sex when you’ve just stepped out of the shower?

Explain it to me like I’m stupid.

something time

This is what I get for typing whilst on a bus.

Also fwiw we had a very long fertility journey (years) and at no point did my exh tell me I needed to wear make up to bed, do something to my hair, shave my fanny or wash excessively.

Ttc sex can be functional as there's an element of have to rather than want to but for him to blame his ED on you not having enough make up on for him to get it up is bollocks and has nothing to do with TTC, no matter how hard it is. If the anxiety or stress of ttc is causing his ED then that needs addressing as a psychological issue rather than him telling you your bush is too big.

Same. I'm here for the Hungarian Milkmaid. Most disappointing.

Anyway, typical Mumsnet. Everyone trying to seem cleaner than every other poster. No, most people do not rush off and have a shower when they feel horny, what nonsense.

Also, if you’ve been TTC for YEARS, you probably need to start thinking seriously about fertility treatment

OP - I might not have TTC for years but it took me months (11) after a stillbirth so i do kinda get the desperation, the "am I, am I not" highs and lows. I also get the date night requests hes asking of you for the TTC times. It makes those times more special rather than a chore.

What i dont get is why you aren't understanding the real link between porn and ED. Or the link to reduced fertility/motility due to continuous TTC/non-TTC sex and porn masterbation. These are his issues alone so why isn't he addressing those?

His dismissal of couple counselling makes me wonder how far you have gone for medical help regarding TTC or is he of the opinion in will happen eventually without seeing a GP or NHS referral?

I hear your desperation loudly and clearly. You need to explore and rethink everything before its too late. This is your wakeup moment

He could be gay. Making suggestions like that means he has to really visualise having sex.

He's not gay please let's not worry about he really isn't

Lol the moment would be gone by the time you've done all that. My poor bf, I rarely wear make up when he's paying attention to my face let alone the rest of my body.

OP to change the subject a bit, if you’ve been trying to conceive for years is it medical advice that you continue to try, or has it been suggested you look at IVF or perhaps adoption?

Because it does sound exhausting and perhaps it’s the route cause you need to address?

As for sex I would compromise - make a bit of extra effort during the TTC window, have an official break before and after and be a bit more casual during the rest of the month. Sex does need variety I think. (Although, as has been said a zillion times, just tidy them if you aren’t happy shaving your pubes.)

I mean I don’t wash immediately before sex unless specifically asked. And my husband doesn’t ask often. So if he does all it’s usually because I did yoga or just came back from a walk recently so therefore I was a bit sweaty. But as I shower everyday it’s not really necessary except in very specific situations. But sometimes even sweat doesn’t stop him. I guess I confess if he expected it every single time it would start to grind away at my self esteem a tad.

If the bloke has no intention of putting blusher on before sex, neither do I. Why are women’s natural faces not good enough? Men’s clearly are.

Nor am I going to shave, because I’m not putting myself at an increased risk of infection and giving myself ingrown hairs for anyone. And it’s only been a “prerequisite” (it’s not btw, has never stopped me having sex) for about 20 years. So fuck that.

IVF has been recommended if I don't conceive in the next six-12 months

I'm not going into health issues I've had a elated to infertility but can posters just trust I have looked into and resolved things and I have been given medical advice as per above so it's a bit sooon for IVF I have been told now by two partners

*two doctors I meant

@dhaex

You need to stop with the tunnel vision wrt TTC and look at the big picture here.

The big picture is the relationship, which has featured a lot of porn use and masturbation on the part of your husband, and that has now developed into your husband stating specific demands you have to comply with or he can't have satisfying sex.

He refuses to talk about marital issues in counseling.

Porn is the issue here. It is causing the problem with ED. It is keeping him from reasonable conversations about the relationship.

Sorry, but you're a warm body to him, a domestic appliance. His mind is elsewhere.

Also an update - he tells me he watched porn twice a week, is this considered excessive?

I think it is but he is not in agreement, said he watched it much more when younger so it cannot be the issue is what he said

Also I thought masturbation was a normal thing for men? Without the porn I mean or am I wrong here too?

Can't stress the last para enough! TTC is high pressure for BOTH parties (it's just that men that are physically impaired by such pressure). Sex and intimacy isn't enjoyable if it feels forced.

Making a bit of effort for the window will not only help him, but also help your confidence and, in turn, enthusiasm.