To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

[dhaex]

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

• shaven pubic hair
• a bit of makeup
• hair not looking a mess
• a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

@dhaex I think people do understand that ttc takes a toll. How is your relationship other than sex? Also, the porn/ED is probably part of this. Sex AFTER a baby can be so much more exhausting/complicated. What I (and others) are trying to say is that it’s not great to ttc with someone who you don’t have a great relationship/partnership with.

What outside medical support have you had to try and conceive? Ivf/tests/etc?

Literally made me LOL

This. Shower/bath(if kids settle early enough), teeth, if hair gets washed it’s gets brushed that night but gets done in the morning and is in a pony/bun all day. Don’t wear make up, mascara and lippy is about as fancy as I get n that’s for a night out, a bit blush if I can be bothered. Shaved pubic area = more of a trim/tidy up when I want to. If my partner didn’t like it , he’d know which direction to go 🚪

@RealBecca 👏🏽❤️😂

You’d have been having sex with each other anyway though, regardless of trying to conceive. You’re acting like it’s this whole extra thing that you both needed to be doing that explains his attitude now, like it’s been so dreadful for him ‘having‘ to have sex regularly.

The problem is porn. Theres a known link between his issue and porn. He thinks his issue can be solved by you making changes and has added in some music and candles to make out like he’s making an effort. But any requests you’ve made of him have been ignored.

I don’t think you want to see it because if you do, you may have to accept the relationship has a lot of issues, isn’t ideal to bring a child into and may be over. And that means to have a child, you’d have to start over with someone else. And as you’ve said, you don’t have time. That must feel very frightening, but it’s not a reason to keep going as things are. If things stay the same, when you have a child with this man, you’re very likely going to be really miserable.

You have an oversight, impotent husband, who is blaming YOU for his issues, by giving you a checklist including wearing makeup to try and overcome his inability to get a proper erection?

And you want to commit to a life with this idiot, because you want a child.

I think you should have higher standards. But if you don’t, then just do what he wants in the wild hope that his impotence will somehow be magically cured.

If you do have a baby, the thought of his pressure and expectations for sex will be very difficult to cope with post partum

I wasn’t feeling v sexy recently and has let my own standards slip. Once I got on top of it I actually felt more sexual!

My personal standards are:

• Leg and pubes not bush level (I’m very hairy my leg hair grows to 5mm lol!!!)
• Washed and if I know sex is coming have a freshen up
• Hair styled. Takes me 30 seconds to do but it’s a style that flatters me

My DH prefers me without makeup and it’s made me love my makeup free face. I think it’s an unfair standard on women to be made up especially if time is right

*time is tight

I'd say a wash is pretty standard. And taking a bit of pride in yourself isn't a big deal but it should be for you and no one else. If you cant be bothered to even have a wash I can understand his point. As for shaven pubic hair and a bit of make up and hair not looking a mess, if we're coming in from being out then he'll get most of that but standard is usually looking a bit decent so I feel a bit decent. You sound as though you've lost interest in yourself let alone him.

A must from my point of view, which I have to say is non negotiable are:

clean teeth and fresh breath
and personal hygiene all round

I wouldn't, and never have pre DH, gone near anyone with bad personal hygiene and neither would I expect the same in return.

Also, you don't mention off he's expecting this before bed or just incase of a 'quickie'.

Keep coming back here @EveningOverRooftops friends will tell people, tell their husbands, have opinions, give advice. easier to get it off your chest here.

the request for ''better quality sex'' would really turn me off. It's all about the connection so what's he doing to improve that, making you feel like a substandard sex worker? Wouldn't be for me this man, no no no.

So your husband has ED issues, and rather than getting medical advice about them, he prefers to go on about the state of your pubic hair?! Deeply unimpressed. He's blaming you for his impotence. And from the way you're formulating your questions here, you're going along with it. Not getting into the porn link here, but honestly there's nothing shameful in needing viagra. Sounds like neither of you can face up to that.

I always wash beforehand. Would feel very uncomfortable otherwise, especially if my last shower was in the morning or the night before.
Unless its morning sex my hair usually looks ok from the day and i wear some make up almost every day and look presentable, so i usually just dont remove it when im up for sex.
with the shaving i would probably just do that everytime in the shower if DH likes it off. Then its taken care of.
It doesnt sound like abhuge effort to me tbh.

You load of clean freaks.

🤣🤣🤣

TTC is bloody tough going. Especially when you've been trying for years. There's so much pressure on you both to "perform" and if you're already feeling under pressure then DH asks for more, then it just adds more pressure on to you even still.

There's a lot of pressure on men with TTC and he's probably feeling the pressure too and has come up with some ideas to help him get it up, perhaps not realising he's just transferring the pressure on to you.

How would you both feel about doing home artificial insemination? To take the sex away from the baby making? Without wasting time by taking a break? This is why, and how, I conceived my DC.

Trimmed pubes and a wash is an acceptable request IMO. The rest I'd tell him to piss off, does he trim his pubes and wash, it works both ways. I find a man with loads of hair downstairs a turn off, so I'd like him to trim.

I agree. How much effort does he make?

The wash I would not have a problem with but the rest… it feels very much like he’s blaming you for his problems. That doesn’t really seem fair… I could understand if he asked for a little extra forplay though.

If we have morning sex neither of us shower before hand. But we do shower everyday. I wouldn't want to if dh hadn't showed that day. Pubes is personal choice why should you remove body hair, ditto make up. Hair wash/brush is acceptable depends how scruffy it looks.

I am too old for all that now but I can't remember ever having a special "wash" prior to sex. I did generally take a bath most days, though.

As far as trying to conceive I really strongly recommend reading Taking Charge of your Fertility. Get a basal body thermometer and get an app called read your body. You don’t need to have sex every day. Just every other day the week leading up to your fertile day. A lot of women use the strips to detect ovulation but sometimes they don’t turn positive into the day of or day after and that is way too late!!! You want the little spermies to be gentlemen that are holding the door open for the egg as if it is the guest of honour rather than showing up after the party has already started.

I think some of the above are basically unspoken but fully expected stuff as shaven or whatever you do down there to tidy up and washed ? Partner does not care about makeup and we most have sex at night after both having showers ( nothing to do with sex we both have showers anyway before sleep ) or in the morning when kids are asleep . Don’t think he cares about hair either as long as he is not constantly having it in his mouth lol

Is this an issue you had since ttc ? Might just be he knows how much it’s a stake and causes a bit of anxiety . Partner never had any issues and then we lost a baby and tried to conceive again a few months later and it happened . As soon as I was pregnant it was completely gone .

This.