To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

[dhaex]

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

• shaven pubic hair
• a bit of makeup
• hair not looking a mess
• a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

Have you been waiting to ttc for years or been ttc for years op?

If you want to continue ttc then your dh has been pretty clear what he wants from you. It's no good asking what others think if you think his requests are ok.

You could ask him to shave, wash and fix his hair too I guess?

Otherwise, you just need to do as he says and ignore everyone telling you that having a baby with this man will be an unmitigated disaster.

Well, yes. Couples have sex all the time, every month, sometimes daily! And yes, they’re enthusiastic about that.

Seriously, this porn thing is getting a bit silly now.

I'm not saying regularly watching porn is good but the reality is morn than half of men under 40 watch it so guess we must all be doomed 🤷‍♀️

Can we just try and find solutions because otherwise I genuinely don't know how the majority of marriages will survive.

The thread was not really about porn

Also, just so you are aware, women who have sex for money would wash before each client, shave and make sure they wore make up and had fixed their hair.

It's possible your husband has picked up his expectations from elsewhere. You may want to check what else he may have picked up.

Thank goodness for this post. Having read about 100 messages I was starting to think I'm the only woman in the world not disinfecting my foof before my DH will deign to go near it.

Why do you all consider a minge to be dirty and in need of cleaning immediately prior to sex? I shower every morning, that's plenty clean enough. If DH thought otherwise I'd find it pretty misogynistic tbh. There's nothing wrong with normal body smells (I'm not talking 2 days without a shower, just normal clean body smells .)

Likewise with the body hair. Sure I remove my leg hair and have a tidy up but if we get romantic when I'm in between and stubbly neither of us let it get in the way.

Sorry, will catch up and rtft now, maybe some other skanky girls like me have turned up to balance the thread out!

This

I understand TTC is causing a lack of enthusiasm from both of you. But if you can't see these red flags, we'll see you back here on a new thread when you have had a baby and he still wants regular sex in the first few months post partum, and still wants you to make an effort.

Hand on heart, sex "demands" has been an issue in every relationship I've ever had, except my current. And this time is different because there is NO expectation. its spontaneous and fun and Ironically its the most sex I've ever had and we have a 5month old now.

My OH doesn't care if I've showered that morning, brushed my hair, or smell of milk sick. We laugh about it and get busy. Of course it's nice to make an effort, but I cannot think of anything worse than putting on a show to entice my man to fancy me.

Sorry OP, I know you keep ignoring everyone who's telling you, and I know how hard you're ttc but your fella is a nob. And it will be worse if/when you do get pregnant.

The thread was about sex. Your husband has erectile dysfunction and watches porn. The link between the two is well known. So if you don’t want to address that as a possible reason he has weird expectations and can’t get it up, then why did you post? It’s a valid suggestion.

Your husband won’t engage with the solutions

that's the issue

you need therapy as a couple, and potentially individually as well

also still not answering why you’ve been TTC for years and not done anything about it (IVF)

Also this. All day.

There is so much research around this topic. Do some reading and have some honest conversations.

I repeat from my previous post, please carefully consider getting pregnant in this relationship.

I think it's reasonable for him to be honest about these things. It's better to say than the marriage to die because of no sex It is worth making an effort if you want the relationship to work.

I see you both don't worry. Jesus imagine killing the mood by a flannel wash 😫 🤣🤣

So if you get showered and glammed up and go out and have a few drinks and when you get home you can’t wait to rip each other’s clothes off are you expected to have another shower? It would ruin the moment .

@fatgirlslimmer so glad you posted I teach about these issues and while teens are getting how corrosive porn can be, older adults and grown men aren't. I'm not anti porn but it's a tightrope!

have you sought medical advice/intervention for your difficulties in conceiving OP?

A wash and brushed teeth are to be expected. I think make up and a waxed pubis are a bit ott. Your hair should be brushed.

I have had some health issues that have meant TTC has taken this long.

I'm not going into them it's outing.

They are hopefully resolved but it doesn't take away that crap of it taking. Years.

Why is no one understanding the reality of it taking years taking a toll?

He's blaming his problem on you... classic. We live I'm the tropics so 3 showers a day is sometimes necessary anyway, on a cold winter's day, WFH in England? Probably not.

He needs to see a doctor about HIS medical issue.. rather than sat it's all your fault. How many women you know have ever blamed their ability to organise (for example) on a man... they usually just think 'oh, I'm the problem here'.

And to be honest, when a baby comes along, this will get 100 times worse, will he expect all this then? He'll be lucky to get it once a month!!

Why are you not understanding the link between porn, ED and a grown man asking his partner to alter her appearance to give him a hard on?

Only thing he has a point on is having a wash beforehand...

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

it could simply be the stress of being expected to perform on demand. Possibly the male equivalent of lie back and think of England.

No problem with him asking it's up to you if you want to give it a try, though I'd worry about getting makeup out of the bedding. Nothing wrong with either of you discussing thing that may turn you on, what's the point of being married if you can't talk openly.

I don't think your marriage will survive. It sounds purely functional with no emotion.

Not really not when OP already showers twice a day.

What do you want from this thread OP?

You need therapy as a couple

You need to investigate medical support as if you’re getting older TTC for months and years on end isn’t going to be successful

Oh Op, looking at your updates - you wash twice daily, shave (your legs) regularly, keep in shape etc etc and it’s not attractive enough for him? I’m so sorry, I can see exactly why you’re staying as you’re having (longstanding) issues ttc and if you move on from him you may lose the time you have left to keep trying. But seriously, if he finds you ‘unattractive’ pre-children this will really only inevitably get worse after children…but maybe at this point you’re waiting for the child and then you’ll leave? People have latched onto the porn thing because, despite the best efforts of many to normalise it, what is available is giving boys and men a completely unrealistic expectation of what’s involved in a sexual relationship (and what they’re ‘entitled’ to expect). Until your other half addresses his unrealistic expectations then you will never be enough. Sorry.

I don’t think anyone is under estimating the toll years & years of TTC can take

i don’t really know what else you want ppl to say. Most ppl have said he’s unreasonable but also recognised the pressure TTC puts on men as well as women

im at a loss to know what advice you want now