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Original poster

To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

646 replies

dhaex · 29/10/2022 11:19

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

  • shaven pubic hair
  • a bit of makeup
  • hair not looking a mess
  • a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

OP posts:
DrunkOnHim · 29/10/2022 15:00

He sounds like a right charmer.

I think his list is bullshit. You’re a normal person in terms of hygiene and dressing comfortably at home and making more effort when going out.

He has an issue with porn. He has an issue sex due to this. It’s easier for him to shift the blame onto you.

It’s very telling that any request you have made of him, losing weight, counselling, less porn, are ignored.

I think you’d relationship has a lot of issues. For me, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone like that, it definitely would not be good enough to being a baby into.

Can you imagine what he’d be like if you were pregnant, what he’d potentially think of your appearance? And when you had a baby, if you were left with baby weight, stretch marks and less time to take care of your appearance for a while. He’d have you feeling absolutely shit about yourself.

Honestly, if he’s not willing to change, it’s not going to end well.

PuzzledObserver · 29/10/2022 15:01

You say you’ve been TTC for several years. Have you sought medical help?

oviraptor21 · 29/10/2022 15:04

Snoozer11 · 29/10/2022 14:21

A wash is essential!

Whatever happened to spontaneity?!

mathanxiety · 29/10/2022 15:05

He's been looking at porn and thinks he's entitled to some similar servicing.

Wash daily.

He rest is straight from porn.

I would honestly never have sex with him again if I were you.

Burgoo · 29/10/2022 15:05

If you aren't into washing up before sex, you shouldn't have it. Its gross.
Make-up is a bit weird, it takes away any spontaneity.
Messy hair - well it depends if you have some matted mess on your head.
There's nothing worse than a smelly vagina (or penis for that matter).

dementedpixie · 29/10/2022 15:07

I'm sorry but if you have already washed twice a day why would you need to wash again before sex?

Shoxfordian · 29/10/2022 15:08

@Burgoo - Op washes twice a day
Husband is a sexist
Keep up

Candyfloss99 · 29/10/2022 15:10

Honestly if you are only having sex to TTC then split up. It's only going to go downhill from here. You both deserve partners you actually want to have sex with. This sounds so depressing.

mathanxiety · 29/10/2022 15:11

Hah.

I hadn't even read the whole thread but guessed the problem is porn..

OP
You don't have a marriage. You're not a real person to him. His primary relationship is with his own penis. He has crossed the line from porn to your own bedroom. This is a massive problem.

Tell him the porn stops and he gets help for his porn problem or the relationship is over.

Do not pander to his porn fueled delusions.

Original poster
dhaex · 29/10/2022 15:12

Ivyonafence · 29/10/2022 12:45

I don't know, TTC can burn everyone out. It sounds like you're both sick of it and it's become a chore. He's suggesting things that might spice it up... I don't think that makes him a pig unless he's done it in a nasty way.

Full disclosure I've told my husband to make an effort on superficial things while we were TTC. I don't think it's so bad to ask for some effort/romance/ variety to break through the grind of ovulation tracking, timing sex, worrying about ED, two week wait etc.

We have had a further conversation and he said this is what he is getting at - he suggested a date night with sex afterwards where we both make a physical effort, candles music etc and perhaps he is right. We never do this and we don't have kids so what's the excuse to not once in a while I guess.

He also made a point that he has been reading about not being able to get it up and as part of those suggestions it does mention doing things to spice things up so o can kind of see his point a bit more now.

The porn thing I haven't discussed I don't know how regularly he watches it so I don't know how much of an issue it's creating

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 29/10/2022 15:12

Do not continue trying to conceive with this man.

Going along with his delusions and sense of entitlement would be undignified. That he asks this of you is horrifying.

You are contemplating a complete debasement of yourself.

fruktsoda · 29/10/2022 15:13

Choosing on your own to shave is one thing. Being told after years together that you need to shave to be sexually attractive to your husband is insulting, particularly coming from a man who won't consider stopping watching porn.

Original poster
dhaex · 29/10/2022 15:17

Daisychainsx · 29/10/2022 12:54

If you're generally a clean person then no, you don't need to wash before sex... Where's the romance in that?!

After reading your updates the obvious killer here is the TTC. We tried for 2 months before getting pregnant and it was a chore. I can't imagine how monotonous it could get over the course of years. Try the SMEP if you havent already. We did that the 2nd month and got pregnant straight away(with the clear blue lube tubes). And it's just sex every other day which was less regimented and exhausting than every day during the fertile window.

You could always make that extra little effort for him once in a while, get some lingerie or toys or something that you'll both enjoy. Bring back a bit of the pre ttc spark? Equally, if you just don't want to, don't!

I agree and think some posters who perhaps have no idea what it's like to take years, YEARS to conceive are just being unrealistic.

Spoke to DH now and he also said it's too much pressure around that time to always get it up and it's stressful.

I believe it's TTC that's the issue here, but I HAVe not got time to take a break. May I also point out we have taken breaks in the past from it - we only started this month.

How many more breaks can we take? It's just complete bullshit and if you haven't struggled TTC please try and have some empathy for the situ

OP posts:
Original poster
dhaex · 29/10/2022 15:18

I also don't get why people keep saying he's asking me to look like a porn star - I never said that. He never said that, he has clarified he just wants me to look presentable. Please stop exaggerating my posts/the situation

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 29/10/2022 15:18

The baby he says he wants is just a way of keeping you handy so he at least has a warm body to have (what he calls inadequate) sex with. He is future faking to get what he wants.

What happens when you are pregnant, when you are breastfeeding, when you have extra baby weight, when you haven't slept for months, or had the energy to shave your legs or even have a shower? You are going to look wrecked and feel wrecked, and he is going to feel just as entitled and just as removed from your reality as he is now.

This man has no conception of your body as your own, and will not accept the changes of pregnancy or motherhood. He is terrifyingly self absorbed and entitled. To come right out and say what he said is gobsmacking. And to turn his porn-associated ED onto you is awful.

Munches · 29/10/2022 15:19

See I do all that your husband is asking except for the make up thing. DH prefers me with no make up anyway.
I always wash, my hair is usually half decent and my pubes are always shaved and maintained .

Difference is that I do it as it makes me feel more attractive and sexier. Not because my husband has ever asked me to do those things.

I’m not sure what to say other than you should only do what you want to do. Except for washing.
There is nothing more rank than a smelly minge.

KatieBell12 · 29/10/2022 15:19

Your husband is not the twat here.

Stravaig · 29/10/2022 15:21

It's wholly irresponsible to bring a child into this relationship, OP.

Original poster
dhaex · 29/10/2022 15:21

Cancelledtwiceover · 29/10/2022 13:01

Op you only have sex when you are trying to conceive and then by your own description it sounds fairly functional, no oral sex, or anything that might make it shared act of love and itimacy, how long has that been going on for.
Tbh. I think I would struggle to feel very excited at the prospect of that, not surprised he's struggling to get an erection and you sound quite weary of it all too. I'm not in any way trying to bash you, but can you imagine what it must be like to have sex with someone that's not really very enthusiastic about it.
I understand you want to conceive and you are saying you are both getting older, but could both of you try getting back to the basics of sex and enjoying it and each others company for a limited time and put conceiving on hold for bit, that might give you a chance to see if the relationship has any future, it doesn't sound like it will last much longer as it stands.

I understand but I have not got any line time to wait TTC!!! It's fucking shit - years, years, YEARS

I've not waited years ever for anything - please try and understand this.

It's like having to eat your favourite meal EVERY day for years - you might like it but would you still be enthusiastic if you have to do it's every month, sometimes daily?

OP posts:
DrunkOnHim · 29/10/2022 15:23

He also made a point that he has been reading about not being able to get it up and as part of those suggestions it does mention doing things to spice things up so o can kind of see his point a bit more now.

If he’s been reading about it, he will have come across porn being a common cause. But of course, it’s your appearance that’s the issue. 🙄

Original poster
dhaex · 29/10/2022 15:23

WahineToa · 29/10/2022 13:05

@dhaex Is he obese or just overweight? Because being unhealthy and unfit will affect the man quite a bit. It makes a difference to the ability to get an erection, to have good fun sex and obviously will impact how he feels about himself. So do look at that. I have sex way more the older I get, we are in our early 50’s and physically very fit but my DH wasn’t always.

He's marginally overweight, now where near obese!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 29/10/2022 15:24

We haven't got the time this happens now or never

Sorry, but you've become so fixated on the baby that you haven't seen the sheer awfulness of the man you intend to make the baby with.

You need to cut your losses.

Leave him.

Go to a sperm bank. Get pregnant and have a baby on your own from the start. You will be on your own approximately six months after you have a baby within this relationship anyway, so you might as well take the initiative.

You will be on your own and deeply hurt because he will say things you never thought you'd hear him say about your body or the precious baby. Stuff like 'I only went through with it because you wanted it, amd look at what I have to put up with now'.

KitchenSupper · 29/10/2022 15:24

Have you considered home insemination for TTC? It would give that aspect of your relationship a break without missing any opportunities.

Millsbills · 29/10/2022 15:25

dhaex · 29/10/2022 15:21

I understand but I have not got any line time to wait TTC!!! It's fucking shit - years, years, YEARS

I've not waited years ever for anything - please try and understand this.

It's like having to eat your favourite meal EVERY day for years - you might like it but would you still be enthusiastic if you have to do it's every month, sometimes daily?

Show quote history

You still haven’t addressed why you’ve been TTC for years with apparently no view on other options

after a year you should start the NHS ivf pathway, or if it matters that much pay for it privately

Original poster
dhaex · 29/10/2022 15:27

Millsbills · 29/10/2022 13:28

So just to recap

he doesn’t wash before having sex but expects you to

wont engage or even consider counseling despite it sounding like it would be beneficial for your relationship

you’ve been TTC for ages but no movement on external support - why is that? After years you should be looking at IVF, especially if you’re getting on in the age department

makes no effort himself but wants you to doll up for sex. If he was willing to do the same I’d not consider this an issue, but there seems to be a clear imbalance in this relationship.

im sorry OP but it sounds like a shit show, one where you’ll be resentful of him before you even have a child. It will then just go downhill from there

Where did I say he doesn't wash before sex? Please stop making things up!

He does wash before sex yes!

OP posts:
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