To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

[dhaex]

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

• shaven pubic hair
• a bit of makeup
• hair not looking a mess
• a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

Everything except numbs one is reasonable , not washing is a bit grim.

@MayFlower22 oh rtft. The OP does wash.

Totally agree I am horrified at some of the things young girls are doing because they think it's the norm or it is expected of them. Some boys too, but overwhelmingly girls in my area of work.

Absolutely nothing wrong with you both making an effort for each other.

He is obviously a porn hound

shaven pubic hair - no need, who cares anyway

a bit of makeup - so you look like a sex doll? Weird and unnecessary.

hair not looking a mess - unless you have been cutting bushes and have twigs in it, then this is quite odd. Normal hair -fine.

a wash beforehand - if you’ve showered recently and aren’t really dirty then this is unnecessary. Certainly unnecessary upon waking if you’ve showered the previous evening.

He can’t get it up because he’s a mega porn hound. It’s nothing to do with you. If you don’t have kids, I’d ditch this (quite literal) tosser.

Op I am not going to advise on your relationship because clearly you know what he’s asking is unreasonable and it’s very prescriptive and about getting him off but very little about getting you off.

the porn use will get worse and his ED related to porn will only get worse. He’s got to want to fix that himself and it doesn’t look like he’ll see it as a problem because you can make yourself look like a porn star.

I do think you need to go and see a therapist of some kind through.

you need some unbiased regular support to get yourself in a place of acceptance that you might remain childless, might be better off single, might be a million miles away from where you hoped to be.

your own frame of mind is the only thing you really have any control over. That and leaving him if he refuses to help himself.

you need to talk these things through with guidance of a therapist.

This

Especially if cunnilingus is involved

Oh - sorry. I should have RTFT

Apologies

To be honest if a bloke said I had to put on make up before sex I would, but not in the way he'd be thinking. I'd do green lipstick, bright blue eyeshadow, heavy Ancient Egyptian style eyeliner and glittery iridescent highlighter. (I have a fearful and wonderful collection of make up.) But I don't wear make up all the time.

Shaving is a no go, I shower everyday, and my hair is in one of four configurations. Loose, ponytail, plait or a bun, sometimes it looks messy but I don't use products that keep it in place.

A wash is essential!

You say you wash twice a day already so wanting more passion while requesting your partner goes for a wash before having sex is ironic to say the least. Unless it's always oral I can't understand it. I'd find it a turn off if my partner ran off for a wash in the morning and spoiled the mood, can't imagine requesting it.

What, 50% of biological females aged 18 to (say) 102 from all social classes, races & ethnic backgrounds on this planet watch pornography?

That must have been quite the survey.

The OPs husband hasn’t said she has to do anything

he has merely said that he thinks it would help with his sexual desire and therefore a positive impact on TTC.

Many women refuse to give oral if their partner hasn’t trimmed or not find their partners attractive sexually if they’ve grown their beard out, this is no different

Yeah, usually it's complaining of knob cheese and going weeks between brushing teeth or showering ffs. Not wishing their husbands would put on makeup and style their hair, not even genital washing before spontaneous sex.

How on earth did the human race make it this far without shaven pubic hair, a bit of makeup & hair not looking a mess?

As for a wash beforehand, I didn't realise this was a thing. I'd be happy with brushed teeth but doesn't washing beforehand sort of take the heat out of the moment? What about raw & sweaty? Washing first seems very clinical.
I remember an old boyfriend telling me a former girlfriend insisted on a shower before sex. I wondered if there was any spontaneity and heat in their sanitized sex life.

I had a relationship where I stopped making an effort though, because he no longer turned me on, yet he still expected me to 'make an effort' for him.

Oh, I would definitely have a pee first though. No thanks UTIs.

I wonder how many people brush their hair before bed and why?

@katepilar Gwendoline Mary Lacey brushed her hair before bed. I’m yet to meet anyone else that does!

I'm sorry op but his ED is linked to porn and his perception of women in it. You cannot control how much he watches it, the same as you cannot control alcohol intake with an alcoholic. It has to originate from him. You can only control your own responses.

I know that medical things change over the years but I thought that sperm for conceiving needs to be "strong", ie too much sex weakens the amount and motility. So if you are having TTC sex, not TTC sex and porn mastebation then his fertility is going to be nonexistent.

Its time to re evaluate your whole relationship. If you think its only stress due to TTC then perhaps its time to only have sex when you are most fertile and both do datenight preparations. If there are more uneasy undercurrents then go for counselling yourself to discover why ((or do a different thread in relationships).

A wash - yes absolutely, basic respect for each other (I hope he is washing too, that's even more important given the mechanics of what goes where)

Pulling a hairbrush through your hair - if you feel like it, but the tousled look can be sexy too.

But shaving and makeup is not reasonable to require. You don't need to pretend to be different than you are in order to be attractive. Your hair grows where it grows and it's part of you. Your face is your face and doesn't need painting a different face on top.

He has ED from too much porn. This is likely to get worse when you are pregnant and after the baby arrives, unless he changes. He'll get so reliant on it he will disconnect sexually from you and you him, and it can be extremely difficult to rescue things then. I hope you can resolve things and maybe get him to ease up on porn before the psychological damage is done to your connection. X

Won't ever consider therapy (no matter what), won't give up porn, won't try to lose weight, blames his sexual dysfunction on you (when it could be linked to his age, health, and porn consumption), and expects you to shave for him and doll yourself up every time you have sex... He's not sounding very good, OP. No, none of this is normal or acceptable, imo.

Why do you want to have a child with an immature, misogynystic man?

Does he style his hair and shave his pubic hair? Or is it just a double standard for you?

Please think of your future children and pick a good father for them, that's your responsibility, kids can't pick their parents. Don't be selfish.

This.

Stop TTc and go for counselling.

I guess whether its a big thing or a small thing with the shaving will depend on an individual person but wouldnt be surprised if it was a bigger thing for women in general due to our physiology. Also shaving on demand is a different thing to shaving because you just want to, isnt it.