To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

[dhaex]

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

• shaven pubic hair
• a bit of makeup
• hair not looking a mess
• a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

Sounds like he’s watching a lot of porn which won’t be helping his ED. Do everything he says for a week or two and see if it improves then if not then it’s obviously him and he needs to sort it out. Honestly though if your sex life is dead then your relationship will be soon so why bother? You clearly don’t enjoy it and neither does he.

@MakingNBaking

My DH has never asked me to shave my pubic hair (although I have tried it a couple of times). Actually, for him personally although not all men feel the same, he sees pubic hair as a sign of being an adult female....and he really likes adult females. Though a little keeping it in order is ok

my husband says the exact same. He thinks women should have pubes because it is a sign of womanhood. He’s not into fakeness at all…boobs, fillers or even makeup. He even notices if I’ve trimmed down there.. he reckons men who only like completely bare are very concerning. His words not mine! But personally I think too many men have grown up with images of porn and perfection that just aren’t natural, not necessarily that they secretly harbour desires for young girls.

Agreed 100%

Wonder if you ask men the same

since nearly half of women watch porn too

So he won’t stop watching porn even if it would help your relationship and you ttc
but he does expect you to do stuff to help.
he’s made his problem your problem and been incredibly offensive to you and quite vile and objectifying
it doesn’t sound like he is trying to do anything to make sex better for you, only himself
he won’t get counselling to discuss your unhappiness (but again, happy to tell you why this is all your fault)
and you’ve said he’s misogynistic

if you can’t stop ttc and you want a baby, is this the man you want one with?
if you can afford to I would be seriously looking elsewhere, like a sperm bank.

shaven pubic hair
He wants you to look like the women he's seen in porn. Don't let him use the 'getting hair in the mouth' as an excuse either. Plenty if women get stray hairs in their mouths as well occasionally when they give blow jobs, but they don't expect their partners to go to the trouble of shaving all of their public hair off. It's so funny when men try to use that justification because last time I checked, the clitoris isn't hairy.....so where the hell are they licking???

a bit of makeup
No - it's one thing to think it's pretty or nice, but it's another when you're asking for it during sex.

They might as well say 'Sorry, but your natural face is too ugly for me and it's giving me erection issues. Do you mind doing something about that?'

hair not looking a mess
To each his own I guess but I would have thought many men liked the messed up hair look

a wash beforehand
Reasonable, as long as he also washes before hand.

You want a child with him???

There will be a time when your body cannot look like those in a porn film. Especially after you've had a child.
And then gravity takes hold and your body changes despite every effort you make.
Will he be attracted to you then? The women on the screen won't age but you will.
Truthfully, I don't know what the answer is for you in the future- but you do both need to have a truthful conversation about this. If he absolutely refuses to accept changes, then you need to have a good think about this. Are you happy to put up with this in the future?

@EarthSight

I don't know, I don't like blowing my husband if there is hair everywhere. I've asked him to do some manscaping on occasion.

Sexual attraction/ turn offs are really personal things. I don't think there's a right or wrong.

It's more about communication. If i could do something that my partner would find to be a turn on, I'd like to think he'd tell me? Obviously in a respectful and kind way, but I'd think there was a problem if we couldn't even talk about things that would turn us on or be fun to try.

My eek was in response to some pp's.

Washing twice daily is more than enough.

I don't automatically jump in the shower when the moment comes.

I shower daily that is enough.

Nor do I shave. I trim when I feel like doing it.

Run OP.

Your husband likes to insult you.

OP do you ever have sex just for fun? Or is it always within your window with TTC in mind?

maybe he feels you don’t want him anymore just his sperm. Do you ever do anything like dress up or role play? Maybe try and be spontaneous one night that’s not within your cycle and see how it goes

Yes sorry M&S was probably a bad example in hindsight lol, I was thinking of the Rosie H-W line but that’s probably not the first thing that comes to most peoples minds when they think of Marks 😂

tbh it was my first post on MN got overexcited and should have read the whole thread. Didn’t realise about the porn or how long they’d been trying TTC. Just wish the best for the OP and hope this thread gives her some guidance 🤞

OP, if you weren't trying to conceive, would you want sex with him at all? From what you say it seems he is pestering you for sex and you don't actually want it apart from the TTC days. And being a sex pest is one of the least attractive qualities in a partner - it will put you off him faster than almost anything else.

I wonder if this relationship is only still running because you have this conception aim. I fear that you will find that you split up shortly after having a child because you actually have nothing else in common and didn't notice.

I would argue that all are reasonable things to say that he would like, so long as he is very careful about how he phrases it. I don't think it is wrong to say what he would like in sex, whether that is faster or slower or a shaved bush (obviously you also have a right). It is wrong to expect a shaved bush or pressurize or guilt trip (and saying nothing is better than asking if you can't ask nicely and without pressure). It is extremely wrong of him to suggest that his ED relates to you not wearing make-up. Extremely wrong.

But yeah, VERY reasonable to request your sexual partner is clean!

If its not spontaneous then have a wash that's just basic cleanliness. The rest is up to you.
if it was nighttime in bed I'd probably have brushed my hair anyway. Never shaved down below, each to their own.

shaven pubic hair
a bit of makeup
hair not looking a mess
a wash beforehand

I would start doing all the above and looking after yourself, buy nice clothes, bit of perfume, go-to the hairdressers, get your nails done and make sure he starts paying for it all.

Looking good and treating yourself is amazing for confidence and you deserve it. Start making sure you’re a priority and he has to accept what comes along with it.

A wash is an entirely reasonably expectation. Expecting styled hair and makeup is utterly ridiculous. I’d be insulted by that.

he asks me what I want him to do sexually and that he will do anything
Except not watching porn! Which is probably the one thing that would make the most difference long term. I bet he thinks he's ever so liberal and accommodating.

This!!!

I'm just at page 2 but as soon as I read the first post I thought - it's a porn problem. This is an issue schools need to address as part of sex education - the whole porn normalising 'performance sex' and setting male expectations of sex and women to ridiculous standards....and the fact that excessive use and wanking does lead to a dependence on Viagra and performance issues. Sorry if I am derailing the thread but I don't think men realise or are taught the can of worms that 'porn' can open. (And I am not a prude, if anyone is wondering!)

I can't believe how long this thread dragged on about OPs hygiene and washing when she said quite early on that she washes twice a day.

Clearly the issue here is a DH that has an addiction to porn and that has manifested itself into erection issues which I think is quite common. I mean how many hoops do you want to jump through to please this idiot? When you've had babies your body won't be the same - it just won't. How will he handle that? What about when you reach all the other natural signs of aging, menopause. What if you have health issues that affects your appearance. Does this marriage have legs?

Unless I’ve missed a comment, I’m baffled as to why it hasn’t been suggested that your DH is just a bit bored with the sex you are having. Before TTC did you both make an effort? Was ED an issue?

His comments are obviously a bit mean but it sounds like he is projecting his issue and possibly trying to communicate that the excitement has died (albeit in a dickish way).

TTC, especially over a period of time, can surely turn sex into another chore. If you can’t be bothered then maybe he can’t either. If it were me I’d be investing time into making the relationship/sex fun and spontaneous again and take the focus off TTC for a bit.

@aintnothinbutagstring you made the point so well -totally agree!

As a pp said, sex when you’re pregnant and after having a baby is going to be challenging if it’s like this now.

how is your relationship otherwise?

I couldn’t be in a relationship with a man who watched porn. Massive dealbreaker for me. I appreciate you might feel differently.

If you are not sure that he will be loving, kind and supportive when you’re pregnant and have babies/toddlers and onwards, I wouldn’t ttc. I know that’s harsh. But I speak from experience - children deserve parents who are kind and respectful to one another. Not that a baby you have would be any less loved or valuable, but it’s so hard being a parent and being a parent in an unhappy relationship is just so tough.

@dhaex I think in summary I should make the effort he wants at least for the three key dates of the month and if it is still issue for him getting it up then he needs medical help or maybe we need to address a deeper relationship issue at that point ?

Have you discussed the effect TTC is having on your sex life, is this a cause of his ED? Does he want a child as much as you? Having to perform because time is running out must be a huge pressure.

However is it your need for a child that is blinding you to his total unreasonableness in making this problem yours? What kind of porn does he watch, there is plenty of research to show that some men who watch porn can be affected by ED because real life sex is not like porn.

In 10 years he suddenly wants you to shave and prep your hair and make up. TTC often puts an end to spontaneous sex but having to have a wash every time it all sounds so formulaic?

If you want to shave then great, if you want your hair and make up glowing fab, but I can't imagine how it would affect my confidence if I had to present myself in a certain way for my DH to get a hard on.

No fucking way, and what happens when he still has ED, what will his next level of demands be?