Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

646 replies

dhaex · 29/10/2022 11:19

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

  • shaven pubic hair
  • a bit of makeup
  • hair not looking a mess
  • a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

OP posts:
Smoom · 29/10/2022 13:14

dhaex · 29/10/2022 12:07

Counselling he would never consider he's told me before if a relationship needs counselling in his mind it's already over.

No relationship would need it which I find ridiculous but I can't drag him there

You can go into relationship counseling alone, did you know? That can be useful as well.

MakingNBaking · 29/10/2022 13:14

My DH appreciates whatever time I can give him. Having said that, we have both always presented ourselves for sex with clean and fresh erogenous zones (and shaved underarms and legs but that's my issue not his).
The reason he appreciates whatever time I can give him is because he knows I am an extremely busy woman with work, home, dc and family obligations and also the expectation that I Have A Life. Sex is by mutual agreement, usually decided about 8pm on the day and no moodies if it's not on the cards.
My DH has never asked me to shave my pubic hair (although I have tried it a couple of times). Actually, for him personally although not all men feel the same, he sees pubic hair as a sign of being an adult female....and he really likes adult females. Though a little keeping it in order is ok.

MistyFrequencies · 29/10/2022 13:17

This thread is horrible. No you dont have to shave your pubes/brush your hair/ put makeup on/wash a THIRD time in the day so your husband will fuck you.
He cant get it up and is blaming you. Fucking misogynistic prick by the sounds of it. I never shave, shower every morning, makeup hasnt touched my face in years. I do brush my hair daily. I have sex with my husband probably 3x a week on average, sometimes more sometimes less.
Dont have a baby with him.

rookiemere · 29/10/2022 13:17

Well just to test the theory I asked DH if he wanted sex before I had my shower - I've been to parkrun this morning so have been a bit sweaty - he was more than happy to.

In answer to one of your other questions, we have sex 3-4 times a week ( married couple in early 50s), I'd ideally like it a little less, he'd ideally like it a little more. I read somewhere for average couples it was about once a week.

ID011010101 · 29/10/2022 13:17

jetadore · 29/10/2022 13:12

Fucking hell, a vulva washed twice a week is unlikely to be smelly. Why are people so into this competitive hygiene virtue signalling?

Show quote history

As I said up thread, the irony is all these overwashed vaginas will probably be the smelly ones because they’re being washed too much. Allowing them to develop their healthy bacteria and breathe makes them much healthier than washing them every five minutes. People need to learn to understand their own bodies. Intimately.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 29/10/2022 13:17

CBA to have a wash beforehand? I dislike pubes so I wouldnt be having sex with anyone who has them

Badgirlriri · 29/10/2022 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BringMeTea · 29/10/2022 13:22

RTFT you lazy nasty wee posters.

Badgirlriri · 29/10/2022 13:22

How many women come on here and say they don’t fancy their husbands or want to have sex with them because of poor personal hygiene and appearance?!

Everyone ALWAYS responds… LTB.

so hypocritical!

blubberyboo · 29/10/2022 13:23

The porn is definitely affecting what he thinks is normal sex. I would be seriously questionning being with a man who can only be attracted to a woman if her pubes are shaved. Even my husband thinks it’s weird and creepy. Your DP has been conditioned into thinking this is normal by the porn

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 29/10/2022 13:23

MistyFrequencies · 29/10/2022 13:17

This thread is horrible. No you dont have to shave your pubes/brush your hair/ put makeup on/wash a THIRD time in the day so your husband will fuck you.
He cant get it up and is blaming you. Fucking misogynistic prick by the sounds of it. I never shave, shower every morning, makeup hasnt touched my face in years. I do brush my hair daily. I have sex with my husband probably 3x a week on average, sometimes more sometimes less.
Dont have a baby with him.

If he is like this now, what the heck will he be like when @dhaex is with child and post baby?

ID011010101 · 29/10/2022 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You look like an idiot with this and your subsequent post.

read the thread dear.

BigWillyStyleandPrincessKate · 29/10/2022 13:23

Badgirlriri · 29/10/2022 13:22

How many women come on here and say they don’t fancy their husbands or want to have sex with them because of poor personal hygiene and appearance?!

Everyone ALWAYS responds… LTB.

so hypocritical!

Name one thread that says a man should do his hair and makeup and and have a shorn sack.

Name one.

AutumnsCrow · 29/10/2022 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bloody hell you sound like you can't read. No wonder you can't follow a thread.

MichaelFabricantWig · 29/10/2022 13:24

I don’t think those are ridiculous demands except the make up at bedtime maybe , although other than the washing I wouldn’t say you should feel the need to go along with any of them.

BringMeTea · 29/10/2022 13:25

And OP. This won't get better. Do not breed with this idiot.

Bestcatmum · 29/10/2022 13:25

In my humble opinion, a wash is essential, I always wear make up for myself with or without a partnerbecause it makes me feel more attractive and well presented, think the natural look not trowelled on, I like my hair to look nice again regardless of a partner, but shaved pubes - no not for anyone.
I don't mind doing the bikini line and a trim but I don't want to look like a 10 year old.
It doesn't hurt to make a bit of an effort. My ex used to smell and had bad breath and bo and I didn't fancy him at all.
His erectile problems I very much doubt are your fault. He needs to stop blaming you for that - maybe he watches too much porn.

Dalekjastninerels · 29/10/2022 13:25

butterfliedtwo · 29/10/2022 12:53

This is how I feel. If that makes me weird, I'm OK with that.

Show quote history

Same, I can't believe how some people have sex in such gross conditions.

PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior · 29/10/2022 13:26

BigWillyStyleandPrincessKate · 29/10/2022 13:23

Name one thread that says a man should do his hair and makeup and and have a shorn sack.

Name one.

Show quote history

I would genuinely like to read a thread where the woman wants her male partner to wear makeup for sex though, it would be hilariously weird. Might namechange and start one.

Merryoldgoat · 29/10/2022 13:26

Badgirlriri · 29/10/2022 13:22

How many women come on here and say they don’t fancy their husbands or want to have sex with them because of poor personal hygiene and appearance?!

Everyone ALWAYS responds… LTB.

so hypocritical!

A) Her husband can leave if he wants but he’s choosing to try to impose his standards.

B) OP keeps herself in shape and washes twice a day. Her DH is overweight and this doesn’t concern her.

Did you not read the thread?

Actual poor hygiene is obviously a problem. But that’s clearly not the issue.

FusionChefGeoff · 29/10/2022 13:27

Sounds like you are just about managing to pretend this is normal / tolerate his sex demands at the moment - if you do have children this will ruin you. He will keep demanding the perfect sex doll and you just won't be able to manage that. So I imagine he sounds like the kind of Prince who will either a) wager a coercive control war until he gets his own way b) blur the lines of consent and rape you c) cheat.

Millsbills · 29/10/2022 13:28

So just to recap

he doesn’t wash before having sex but expects you to

wont engage or even consider counseling despite it sounding like it would be beneficial for your relationship

you’ve been TTC for ages but no movement on external support - why is that? After years you should be looking at IVF, especially if you’re getting on in the age department

makes no effort himself but wants you to doll up for sex. If he was willing to do the same I’d not consider this an issue, but there seems to be a clear imbalance in this relationship.

im sorry OP but it sounds like a shit show, one where you’ll be resentful of him before you even have a child. It will then just go downhill from there

Merryoldgoat · 29/10/2022 13:28

@Badgirlriri

and the posts by women usually involve a man who showers barely weekly, smells, and doesn’t brush his teeth.

the false equivalency is ridiculous.

Nagado · 29/10/2022 13:29

I think in summary I should make the effort he wants at least for the three key dates of the month and if it is still issue for him getting it up then he needs medical help or maybe we need to address a deeper relationship issue at that point?

Having read your updates, I think you should have some individual counselling with someone who understands fertility issues, if you can, and as soon as you can. I think that you’ve got problems in your marriage that go deeper than the stress that comes with ttc. Him being a selfish arse with massive double standards being one of them.

You are clean, which is the most important thing. Why is it only a minor thing for you to shave and wear make up, but it’s massively unreasonable to expect him to brush his teeth, or lose a couple of pounds to look his best for you, or knock the porn on the head for a while? If you have a child, what will he do when you’re sleep deprived and sore? And why is he asking you for suggestions as to what he can do to make it better for you? Why isn’t he using his initiative to make it fun and exciting and concentrating on making it a pleasurable experience for you, rather than letting you see it as a chore that has to be done if you want a baby? Why doesn’t he know how to make sure you have fun too? Surely if you’re looking forward to it, you’ll want to make sure he has a good time too?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/10/2022 13:29

Why are you choosing a nasty misogynistic porn-watcher as your child's father? Honestly don't you want better for your offspring?

Swipe left for the next trending thread