Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

646 replies

dhaex · 29/10/2022 11:19

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

  • shaven pubic hair
  • a bit of makeup
  • hair not looking a mess
  • a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

OP posts:
millymog11 · 29/10/2022 12:54

why in the hell are you trying to conceive with this man? Is he just someone with some sperm so you can get pregnant? If you think it is bad now, can you imagine what he will be like when you have a newborn??

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 29/10/2022 12:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

jetadore · 29/10/2022 12:54

Make up and shaved sounds like he wants a pornstar aesthetic, next he’ll be wanting it “rough”. Personally I wouldn’t agree to any of those, even the washing. I imagine you’re not stinking and filthy from a day down the coal mine, and are generally clean/shower regularly, so nothing to get worked up about really. Even a bit sweaty from the gym is no biggie, can even add to sex, pheromones and all that.

Daisychainsx · 29/10/2022 12:54

If you're generally a clean person then no, you don't need to wash before sex... Where's the romance in that?!

After reading your updates the obvious killer here is the TTC. We tried for 2 months before getting pregnant and it was a chore. I can't imagine how monotonous it could get over the course of years. Try the SMEP if you havent already. We did that the 2nd month and got pregnant straight away(with the clear blue lube tubes). And it's just sex every other day which was less regimented and exhausting than every day during the fertile window.

You could always make that extra little effort for him once in a while, get some lingerie or toys or something that you'll both enjoy. Bring back a bit of the pre ttc spark? Equally, if you just don't want to, don't!

TheCatterall · 29/10/2022 12:56

@dhaex if he’s expecting you to maintain porn level appearances and behaviour can you ask the same if him?

you’d like him to last for hours and give you multiple orgasms and have a total gym bod.

if you don’t have porn style screaming squirting orgasms the fault obviously lies with him not you by his logic/reckoning - no makeup etc=soft dick.

this sounds like an issue come about due to his porn watching.

what’s he going to be like when you are pregnant with his sex expectations and refusal to have counselling.

what about when you are a sleep deprived new mum?

what about when you have a manic toddler?

what if you end up in a few years with 2 under 3year olds?

imagine his expectations of you around sex being the same. And still no counselling allowed.

do you reckon he’s the type to fulfil his needs elsewhere as you aren’t behaving like a sex doll at home when pregnant/have kids in a few years time?

Honestly this sounds like a him problem that he’s projecting onto you. And refusing counselling etc to help strengthen a relationship so you are just expected to suck it up or he’ll leave you? Nahhhhh.

OldFan · 29/10/2022 12:57

I would not put up with this @dhaex , men nagging for any sexual stuff or fuckability mandates is a dealbreaker for me.

It's unpleasant.

I would bin him.

I think he's trying to blame his impotence on you when it isn't due to you at all- plenty of men would get and keep it up fine with what you currently do.

Are you not keen to put effort into sex because it's unpleasant in general and/or he nags for sex or sexual acts?

Limescaleandlemons · 29/10/2022 12:57

I think a wash is totally reasonable, but is he really expecting you to do your make up before you get into bed?!

Cattytabby · 29/10/2022 12:57

There's too much wrong with this relationship to be bringing a child into it.

PeloFondo · 29/10/2022 12:58

99victoria · 29/10/2022 12:42

I'm fascinated by all these people who insist on a wash before sex - don't you ever have spontaneous sex then? What if you fancy having sex somewhere that doesn't have a shower nearby? 😂

Depends what type of sex! I don't want to (sorry this is gross) go down on a guy that has been for a wee throughout the day and not washed and so smells of urine because they think drip drying is fine (yes, it's happened)

So if I'm giving or expecting oral then I would freshen up/rinse off and I want the same courtesy back
Without oral then fine

Winterscomingagain · 29/10/2022 13:00

Could he be stressed by ttc. That combined with the erection issues you mention could explain why he's passing the buck to your appearance etc.

HTH1 · 29/10/2022 13:00

Honestly, it sounds like you are not really attracted to one another and that his porn habit is part of the problem. DH and I have been together for many years and he wouldn’t find anything in your list at all offputting.

Hawkins001 · 29/10/2022 13:01

All the best op, at times mine has issues, but I know it's down to me, not being able to fully relax and enjoy it, it's like I'm mentality detached from the pleasure side of it, and feel numb, but still like the idea of the love making, but at times when it's not functional, I feel bad for the lady.

ProfessorInkling · 29/10/2022 13:01

My DP never smells of piss.

OPs husband sounds like a pig. It’s really warped that these men can make capable and strong women actually doubt themselves to this extent.

It is not you, OP, it’s him, every fucking step of the way.

Cancelledtwiceover · 29/10/2022 13:01

Op you only have sex when you are trying to conceive and then by your own description it sounds fairly functional, no oral sex, or anything that might make it shared act of love and itimacy, how long has that been going on for.
Tbh. I think I would struggle to feel very excited at the prospect of that, not surprised he's struggling to get an erection and you sound quite weary of it all too. I'm not in any way trying to bash you, but can you imagine what it must be like to have sex with someone that's not really very enthusiastic about it.
I understand you want to conceive and you are saying you are both getting older, but could both of you try getting back to the basics of sex and enjoying it and each others company for a limited time and put conceiving on hold for bit, that might give you a chance to see if the relationship has any future, it doesn't sound like it will last much longer as it stands.

ThanksAntsThants · 29/10/2022 13:02

He’s not very into Cunt if he wants it odourless and tasteless. Washing directly beforehand takes all the sexiness away. Maybe that’s why his dick can’t get hard, because he’s just not very into female bodies?

rookiemere · 29/10/2022 13:02

Cancelledtwiceover · 29/10/2022 13:01

Op you only have sex when you are trying to conceive and then by your own description it sounds fairly functional, no oral sex, or anything that might make it shared act of love and itimacy, how long has that been going on for.
Tbh. I think I would struggle to feel very excited at the prospect of that, not surprised he's struggling to get an erection and you sound quite weary of it all too. I'm not in any way trying to bash you, but can you imagine what it must be like to have sex with someone that's not really very enthusiastic about it.
I understand you want to conceive and you are saying you are both getting older, but could both of you try getting back to the basics of sex and enjoying it and each others company for a limited time and put conceiving on hold for bit, that might give you a chance to see if the relationship has any future, it doesn't sound like it will last much longer as it stands.

That seems like a very fair summary.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 29/10/2022 13:03

Eek smelly vulva.

Cleanliness is a great start for encouraging any sort of sexual attraction.

PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior · 29/10/2022 13:03

Can't really see the point in makeup and hair in this situation. If it's a remotely vigorous session you're going to sweat it all off and look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards anyway!

MissMarpleMuses · 29/10/2022 13:03

I feel so sorry for you tbh. Anyways, to answer your questions…
I don’t do anything to my pubic hair, whether exes of my DH did or didn’t I couldn’t care less and he loves me and very definitely fancies me.
I wash twice every day as does he, but no we don’t wash just before sex.
We are in our 60s, we’ve been together 30 years and we generally have full sex every other day or so, we did when TTC too and when kids were young. It’s fine if for whatever reasons it lessens for a while but that’s what we both like best.
He makes me feel cherished, and makes me feel I’m beautiful, like I hope I make him feel as he is both.

Maggiethe · 29/10/2022 13:05

Thatskindafun · 29/10/2022 11:29

When you say a wash do you mean like you haven’t washed all day? Or like you had a shower an hour ago and he wants you to go back and wash again before sex? I think that Determines if it’s unreasonable or not.

i think he’s BU to blame you for him not getting it up, it’s not helpful and it’s quite nasty, and really divides you when you’re meant to be feeling closer and the things he’s listed aren’t very nice to hear because they all imply you’re a bit gross and he isn’t into you, I don’t know why he’d want to make you feel that way. Maybe if he’s normally a nice guy, it was a clumsy way of saying he’d like you to seem and be more into it though, because it sounds like you’re not.
But what’s he doing? If he’s in old holey underwear without a shower himself then he’s definitely BU

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to shower just before sex. People poo and piss and fart

dementedpixie · 29/10/2022 13:05

EmeraldShamrock1 · 29/10/2022 13:03

Eek smelly vulva.

Cleanliness is a great start for encouraging any sort of sexual attraction.

A vulva washed twice a day is not smelly

WahineToa · 29/10/2022 13:05

@dhaex Is he obese or just overweight? Because being unhealthy and unfit will affect the man quite a bit. It makes a difference to the ability to get an erection, to have good fun sex and obviously will impact how he feels about himself. So do look at that. I have sex way more the older I get, we are in our early 50’s and physically very fit but my DH wasn’t always.

Summerfun54321 · 29/10/2022 13:10

It’s either the TTC or his misogynist attitude that’s killed the sex or even both. The TTC stress can be overcome or worked on but having a child with a misogynist isn’t going to improve your situation.

RampantIvy · 29/10/2022 13:11

There are some overly fastidious posters on this thread who seem to take a rather clinical view. It sounds rather passion killing to me.

jetadore · 29/10/2022 13:12

dementedpixie · 29/10/2022 13:05

A vulva washed twice a day is not smelly

Show quote history

Fucking hell, a vulva washed twice a week is unlikely to be smelly. Why are people so into this competitive hygiene virtue signalling?