To feel inconvenienced by DH wanting 'better quality' sex

[dhaex]

NC here for obvious reasons, I have no one IRL I am comfortable asking this question.

DH recently has started to sometimes not get it up. He has started to say it's because I don't make an effort (admittedly I don't)

So I am asking if I'm your sex life you have standards? So for example he said he just wants a few basic things to make the sec better. He said he doesn't expect these every time but some of the times.

They are;

• shaven pubic hair
• a bit of makeup
• hair not looking a mess
• a wash beforehand

Are these things reasonable to expect of you before sex? To be honest I just cba to do these things in order to have sex but I also have to understand sex is based on attraction so I am being lazy to not want to do these things but equally we are TTC and to be frank it's wearing me out and I just cannot be bothered.

Please help do you except the above requirements to have sex?

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds I'm not here to roast him I'm genuinely wanting to know if people make an effort for sex and if so is the above ask fair

Thank you

OP, I haven't read the full thread but I've read all your posts -

WTF are you doing trying to conceive with this dickhead? Are you that desperate for a child that you'll put up with any behaviour and treatment of you in the hope that one day you'll have a baby? At what cost?

His behaviour around sex is appalling. He seems to just want to replicate his porn habits in the bedroom with no consideration that you're a real person and not an anonymous onscreen body.

You mention that you've been TTC for seven years and have been doing it so long you don't want to stop. That's known as the sunk costs fallacy. Maybe it's time to propery have a think about what you're doing and the effect it's having on your life. On your self esteem and happiness. Yours, only yours. Sod him.

You also say you suppose you'd better just do as he wants for the necessary days in the month. Come on, OP, can't you see this is just giving in to his ridiculous demands for you to be a porn body and not a person? Are you really going to choose to demean yourself like this?

This man sounds horrible, and you sound miserable, I just can't think why you'd be wanting a baby with this person.

Inability to read more than the opening post - and sometimes not even that.
You'll see more of it as the thread gets longer.

I'm fascinated by all these people who insist on a wash before sex - don't you ever have spontaneous sex then? What if you fancy having sex somewhere that doesn't have a shower nearby? 😂

He sounds like a right keeper 🙄

Yes the hygiene stuff I agree with but making yourself up like a doll because that is what he watches in a porn video. Hell no. That’s not real daily life

I also couldn’t be with someone who automatically discounts discussing problems. Getting counselling when there are difficulties shows that a relationship is mature not that it’s ending

You don’t say how old you are just that you are too old to start again. Ask yourself this if you have struggled to conceive then unfortunately that may be something you need to come to terms with. Would you rather do that in this relationship feeling like this or with someone who is not watching porn all the time and actually enjoying spending time with you (both in and out of bed)?

I think there are all sorts of red flags going up here from both of you and you aren't paying attention because you are fully in the grips of baby fever, with your age bringing more pressure to bear.

I'm not judging you for that, but if you take the TTC out of this, you have a porn-obsessed man with ED (and believe you me, the two things are linked) who now can't get it up unless his partner is recreating his porn fantasies.

You have a woman who knows this is wrong, is basically off sex because of it and maybe some other things that you're not telling us, but desperately needs to keep having sex because of TTC, so is pretzeling herself into knots to 'satisfy' her DH outwith her TTC window so she can have sex during her TTC window. And who also sounds exhausted and like she don't really like her DH much.

None of this is good and I think you'd be thinking about your set-up completely differently if not TTC. I don't have a solution for you. But I think you might benefit from some counselling yourself to work out what is the priority for you and whether that priority is healthy.

Personally, I would suggest halting TTC. As much as that must be hard for you, addressing your deeper relationship issues really should come before bringing a baby into the world. It sounds like total burnout with a mix of your husband being rather selfish (but also possibly stressed). You need to have a very honest discussion with your DH and don't be afraid to give him an ultimatum such as 'go see a therapist or we're done' (just an example!).

Bizarre. So if you were about to have sex amd say hadn't showered since that morning/night you'd say hang on there hun, stick a pin in your massive lob-on, I just need to go wash first. How....sexy 🤣

I don't know, TTC can burn everyone out. It sounds like you're both sick of it and it's become a chore. He's suggesting things that might spice it up... I don't think that makes him a pig unless he's done it in a nasty way.

Full disclosure I've told my husband to make an effort on superficial things while we were TTC. I don't think it's so bad to ask for some effort/romance/ variety to break through the grind of ovulation tracking, timing sex, worrying about ED, two week wait etc.

Not really, once you have ovulated the egg only lasts for 12-24 hours. If the sperm don’t get there/aren’t there in time to meet it, then your chance is over for that month!

And there’s a lot of posts about how sperm survive for five days but when you actually look at the research papers, five days is quite rare. The vast majority of them will only survive for 48 hours. So you really need to target TTC around that ovulation time.

@dhaex, you do actually sound a bit lost and sad. You could start a thread in Relationships about the underlying issues, maybe?

I'm afraid with AIBU you'll get posters who don't read past your initial post, and just say the same crap over and over while you've moved on to talk about his porn use, misogyny, reluctance to go to counselling, etc.

OK point taken and I apologise to the OP. It was insensitive of me.

But I stand by the fact that in most of @dhaex posts there appears to be deeper issues.

I prefer to be around clean genitals; not ones that have been sitting in underpants all day. The thought of touching a let alone sucking or letting an unwashed penis into my vagina😝

He sounds like a prick OP, tell him you're not a porn star and to stop trying to put his issues on to you.
I worry you're so desperate to have a baby that you're not thinking straight on this.

A shower or bath every day (not necessarily directly preceding sex though) is reasonable yes. The rest not reasonable. What preparations does he make for sex? Does he shave any of his body hair?

The options here are quite simple. He is communicating to you that he is not attracted to you at present. That may make him disgusting/a pig/any other insults posters can think of, but if he's not attracted to you, he can't get an erection and you won't be able to conceive - which you both clearly want to do

It doesn't matter if X poster or Y poster thinks your DH is misogynistic. If he can't get an erection then he can't get one, he can't just magic one up, I'm sure he would if he could

Based on the above, your options are:

1. get some spark back in the relationship, make an effort and keep trying to conceive
2. refuse to do the above and keep failing to conceive because your DH can't maintain an erection
3. stop trying to conceive and stay as you are
4. find someone new who wants you as you are

Yes, it's a shame that people can't control their perception of attractiveness but the more pressing issue here is OP wants to conceive.

It doesn’t matter what’s ‘normal’ or average or what other people might do. All that matters is what YOU want to do and feel comfortable with. You think your partner is a childish misogynist (and I agree he definitely sounds like one) he has unrealistic expectations of women that he’s got from porn, he won’t listen to your preferences about his appearance but thinks it’s fine to demand things of you, won’t consider counselling, and doesn’t seem to actually care about your pleasure during sex, only his own. Why on earth are you putting up with this? Do you want to tie yourself to this arseclown for life with a child? Lose the sexist twat and have a baby on your own via sperm donor, that’s what I’d do.

Loads of people don't wash beforehand. I can't imagine everyone who enjoy casual encounters stop the proceedings to have a shower.

@dhaex you would rather stay with a porn addicted sperm donor to have a baby?

Oh and no way would everyone in our house all be having a bath/shower every day let alone twice a day, no wonder people are so concerned about their bills!

OP, you ask if any woman has successfully stopped a partner watching porn. The thing is, only he can change that behaviour and want to change it. You can’t control that. However, you can control how you respond to the situation you are in. TTC seems bonkers rn, you would by tying yourself to this man for the next 18 years. Give yourself some breathing space and find some boundaries that protect and honour you as a woman in your own right.

The more you post, the worse he sounds. A sulky, childish, porn-addled misogynist who blames his issues on you and demands sex all damned month?

That's a no from me. You deserve so, so much better, OP.

Just imagine what he'll be like when you're pregnant and can't stand the smell of him during morning sickness (for example) or when you're wrung out with night feeding for months.

Don’t shave, for god’s sake. If you want to remove pubic hair (do not do it just for limp dick) then wax. Otherwise it’s stubble and itch City.

The wash thing is not unreasonable.

Agree

Please don't come on saying what a twat my husband sounds

OK. Since you don't want to hear it, I won't. He has ED, which is usually treatable, but is seeking to place the blame for that on you. The usual recourse would be to seek medical assistance; instead he's turned it into your fault and made it a personal issue of your grooming rather than a medical one that happens to blokes all the time.

I'll keep my view of this behaviour to myself, as requested. Suffice it to say I wouldn't want to be making an effort for him either.

This is how I feel. If that makes me weird, I'm OK with that.