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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner annoyed I wanted to leave early

153 replies

MollyE45 · 29/10/2022 08:33

So went to a sit down "party", mostly like a meal, with DP and his family , many of whom I've never met before. There was about 15 of us. After a day at work, I was already tired but DP said we'd stay only until around 9 (meal started at half 6.

The first 3 hours was fine, I was socialising etc. But around 10 past 10 I became tired and I asked DP if we could start getting ready to leave.

He snapped at.me (in a whispery voice) that it is not good etiquette to ask for the bill when nobody else has asked.
I'm not the best socially and everytime DP would go to the toilet, nobody was speaking to me and I felt really awkward. I started feeling quite claustrophobic that I couldn't leave this meal.
I told him I'd been here 3 hours and that was enough for me and I said just because we're leaving, doesn't mean everyone else has to. He sulkingly asked for the bill.

We haven't spoken since coming home last night and I feel dreadful. I don't know why I'm like this socially. I was fine the first couple.of hours but then I just become tired and this seems a regular thing, even as a child I'd want to leave parties early

OP posts:
5yearplan · 29/10/2022 08:35

I can understand how he felt tbh. He had to ask for the bill when he and the others were not ready to leave just because you were tired. I think you should have joined in as much as you could till the evening came to a natural end. I wouldn’t be pleased if it was my partner and we were out with my family.

SpookyPanda · 29/10/2022 08:36

Could you have left early by yourself?

sorrynotathome · 29/10/2022 08:37

I imagine at least a third of the people there were waiting for someone to be the first to leave so they could follow…

elephantseal · 29/10/2022 08:37

I don't think you did anything wrong. You had been out for a decent length of time, you had been sociable.

Your p is out of order for sulking about it, though - that's not an adult way to deal with things. Couldn't he have taken you home then come back out if he'd wanted to?

Original poster
MollyE45 · 29/10/2022 08:37

No he was driving but the plan was beforehand that we'd be leaving by 9, half 9 at the latest as I was exhausted after work;
I would have driven but car just failed MOT

OP posts:
MayThe4th · 29/10/2022 08:38

He’s right.

If you’d all eaten and had the bill and were chatting and you’d wanted to leave at that point it would be understandable. But by asking for the bill you were essentially bringing the meal to an end. I would be pissed off at that too.

Original poster
MollyE45 · 29/10/2022 08:39

I wouldn't have minded if he wanted to come back and I know that I am not the best at social situations. I was tired and saw no problem with wanting to leave at quarter past 10 and other people were still going to the bar getting drinks so I sensed another hour of sitting there. But apparently it's not good etiquette

OP posts:
Changingplace · 29/10/2022 08:39

Yanbu, 10pm is perfectly fine to leave, just because you asked for the bill didn’t mean others needed to leave, plus you stayed an hour later than you’d agreed.

SpookyPanda · 29/10/2022 08:39

someone has to be first to ask for the bill so I don't get his logic. He also lied when he said you could leave at 9.

rainbowandglitter · 29/10/2022 08:40

Could you have got a taxi home by yourself?

IntegrityisDead · 29/10/2022 08:41

I would have wanted to leave too!!
He knew you were anxious so he should have made more effort to include you.
As should his family who presumably all already knew each other.
He was unkind.
I would politely decline such events in future if he is so unsupportive.

SpookyPanda · 29/10/2022 08:41

MollyE45 · 29/10/2022 08:39

I wouldn't have minded if he wanted to come back and I know that I am not the best at social situations. I was tired and saw no problem with wanting to leave at quarter past 10 and other people were still going to the bar getting drinks so I sensed another hour of sitting there. But apparently it's not good etiquette

Screw that etiquette has changed over the last few years. People are used to people leaving meals while the party carrys on

elephantseal · 29/10/2022 08:41

If you had already agreed that you could leave at 9, then he's being VU. You were sitting there for 3.5 hours - presumably the meal was over and people were just drinking? Fine to leave.

Ragruggers · 29/10/2022 08:41

You did nothing wrong,I imagine others were also tired after work and looking to go home after sitting for 3 hours.Sulking is very immature is he often like this?

Original poster
MollyE45 · 29/10/2022 08:42

@MayThe4th but where is the cut off point? I've been to plenty of meals where someone has said "right are we getting the bill?
It had been an hour and a half since we had eaten and there was no sign of the bill;
It wasn't a typical sit down meal, it was a meal but you went to the bar to get drinks so they could continue drinking; I just wanted to pay for my food and go. I didn't expect anyone else to go.
I just feel DP made a big deal out of it which made it "bigger" than what it was. I don't understand why a simple "right were going to get going, do you mind if we go pay for our food" is bad manners? But he didn't understand that

OP posts:
SpookyPanda · 29/10/2022 08:42

Basically he didn't want to leave and was saying screw you

Fireflygal · 29/10/2022 08:42

I think after a full working week it is understandable to feel tired and he had agreed to an earlier finish.

Some people are introverts so find social engagements draining others find social gathering energising. It can be a complete mismatch if you are a couple though and not sure there is a solution- could you have left at different times?

I think finding it awkward when he went to the loo is a little strange though - were the group not inviting or friendly to you?

How long have you been together? The not speaking isn't a good sign that as a couple you have effective communication

SpookyPanda · 29/10/2022 08:42

MollyE45 · 29/10/2022 08:42

@MayThe4th but where is the cut off point? I've been to plenty of meals where someone has said "right are we getting the bill?
It had been an hour and a half since we had eaten and there was no sign of the bill;
It wasn't a typical sit down meal, it was a meal but you went to the bar to get drinks so they could continue drinking; I just wanted to pay for my food and go. I didn't expect anyone else to go.
I just feel DP made a big deal out of it which made it "bigger" than what it was. I don't understand why a simple "right were going to get going, do you mind if we go pay for our food" is bad manners? But he didn't understand that

An hour and a half after food is absolutely fine

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 29/10/2022 08:43

In this situation I'd ask someone else to pay our share and pay them back separately, to avoid asking for the bill and breaking up the party. I think your DP wasn't very kind OP, especially as you'd warned him beforehand.

Original poster
MollyE45 · 29/10/2022 08:45

@Fireflygal they were speaking to me when he was there, but whenever he was in the toilet I was sat at the end of the table whilst everyone else was engaged in conversation so I felt a bit like 15th wheel haha;
They weren't really "family" most of them but more family friends who I've never met before. They were lovely to talk to but I sensed that I was the "odd one out".
I've been with DP for 5 years and I'm close to his family but we are total opposites in terms of his family are all for big meals whereas my family is very small and very rarely do we have big family gatherings so I'm just not used to it all I suppose

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 29/10/2022 08:46

YANBU - it’s not poor etiquette to leave when you wish ( as long as all the courses of the meal have finished) . There was no reason that others couldn’t continue drinking socialising.
He changed the goalposts not you. I would have serious words to let him know that he went back on his word and that you will be reluctant to go next time.

Womencanlift · 29/10/2022 08:48

I’m an introvert so get why you felt you wanted to leave and I also hate Friday night plans as usually shattered after the working week for me

However… if I was in your position I would have just got a taxi home and left your DP to it. In fact I actually did that about a month or so ago. Out for drinks and by 10.30 my eyes were sagging so left them to it. Wasn’t a big deal at all and everyone got the night they wanted with no awkwardness

Unless you are going to say you are rural and there are no taxis.

thelobsterquadrille · 29/10/2022 08:49

I can see both sides here. I'd be shattered too after a long working week and he did say it'd be over by nine. On the other hand, they're his family and he wants to spend time with them.

Could you not have called a taxi and left on your own if you were tired and fed up? I'd just say you had to be somewhere early in the morning.

Original poster
MollyE45 · 29/10/2022 08:49

I think I am quite introverted and I admit that, even as a child, I'd become very tried after a couple of hours of parties or meals and I'd ask my parents to take me home early.
I think next time I'll drive myself but he would still have a problem with me leaving early by myself.
The fact I felt I couldn't leave gave me a tight chest and claustrophobic feeling, I sometimes wonder if there's a bit of social anxiety within me too.
Boyfriend finds it strange as my job is very social but I just can't do gatherings

OP posts:
Original poster
MollyE45 · 29/10/2022 08:50

@Womencanlift nope not going to say that and I totally agree with you and would happily leave by myself but boyfriend is massive on "etequitte" and wouldn't want me leaving by myself either as it would look "bad on him", hence my claustrophobic feeling as I of course didn't want to make a scene on a table

OP posts: