Partner annoyed I wanted to leave early

[MollyE45]

So went to a sit down "party", mostly like a meal, with DP and his family , many of whom I've never met before. There was about 15 of us. After a day at work, I was already tired but DP said we'd stay only until around 9 (meal started at half 6.

The first 3 hours was fine, I was socialising etc. But around 10 past 10 I became tired and I asked DP if we could start getting ready to leave.

He snapped at.me (in a whispery voice) that it is not good etiquette to ask for the bill when nobody else has asked.
I'm not the best socially and everytime DP would go to the toilet, nobody was speaking to me and I felt really awkward. I started feeling quite claustrophobic that I couldn't leave this meal.
I told him I'd been here 3 hours and that was enough for me and I said just because we're leaving, doesn't mean everyone else has to. He sulkingly asked for the bill.

We haven't spoken since coming home last night and I feel dreadful. I don't know why I'm like this socially. I was fine the first couple.of hours but then I just become tired and this seems a regular thing, even as a child I'd want to leave parties early

10:15 is completely acceptable time to leave. Just because you did, doesn't mean the others had to go too.
Tbh they were probably all thinking the same and you did them all a favour.
Partner should not be grumpy.

He’s BU. You were tired but still carried on well past 10:00pm before asking to go. He got at least an extra 45 mins more than you’d agreed to. Why did he think was ok to push for even more?

He knew you were tired before you came out but persuaded you to come by saying you’d only be there until 9:30 at the latest. Does he always want to overrule/ignore what’s been agreed to get his own way?

And sulking is very childish and deeply unattractive. I’d be questioning the relationship in general not worrying about whether I’d transgressed some petty social rule.

It’s not breaking up the party though, because drinks were being bought from the bar.

I was going to say this too.

Btw, it isn't poor form to say you need to leave earlier than the rest of the group. There is no rule for how long you have to stay post meal. He seems to be using that as an excuse when really he wanted to stay.
Do you have frequent conflicts that end in stonewalling? Have you tried to talk to him?

Silent treatment is highly toxic to a relationship. It should have been a case of him saying "I really wanted to stay longer so wish we had agreed separate ways home" instead he is choosing to blame you and suggest you don't know social etiquette.

I don't think you're being unreasonable he said 9 and I presume it got to after 10, you worked too.

Maybe text him instead of whispering it next time, but I don't think he should really be "not talking" to you after something like this it's rather silly. Best to iron it out together, but I don't think you were unreasonable tbh

Fuck that. Leave when you’re ready to leave. Tough if he doesn’t like it. Get an Uber

He didn't need to ask for the bill
"I'm taking molly home as I know she's shattered from work, here's enough to cover our food "

but whenever he was in the toilet

Sorry - a little off topic, but how many times did he leave you alone to go to the toilet? It was such a short time but you mentioned this twice.

In that case you are definitely not being unreasonable and it’s your DP who is

YANBU, he is, he had said 9.30ish finish and you lasted till 10.10.
Is he usually this unreasonable?

If you knew roughly how much your food cost and factored in a tip then you could have left without having to ask for the bill and left money for it. Why does you two leaving mean everyone else has to leave too?

@FiveShelties haha probably about 3 times, he always has been an avid toilet user 😂

To be honest this is why I couldn't be with someone who was a massive introvert, you say you always want to leave parties/events early, I don't, I really like being around others but the wishes of those who see socialising as a chore seem to always come first. Thankfully DH is also happy in company.
If you wanted to leave you could've just called a cab, say you had a headache etc and let him stay with his family. It sounds like you're not compatible to be honest, he's not going to drop wanting to go to events and is happy to stay, you're not. No one minds on the odd occasion when someone ducks out early but when it's always the same person it will feel to his family like you don't want to be around them and he will tire of attending things on his own or making excuses about why you've left again, to try and not upset others. You need to be with someone who feels the same way you do about socialising as does he

To me
it sounds like
you were held hostage. Against your will at this table by a partner who had hugely disrespected you by breaking your agreement. You’re a grown woman. You stayed 3
hours that was more than enough. No wonder you had those symptoms.

LOL - no wonder you wanted to go home

Just your comment about him not wanting be made to look bad. I can tell you now that his behaviour about not taking you home made him look bad and definitely would have been clocked by others in the party.

Sounds like his family have very firm views on how a man’s woman should be kept in line. Or at least that how your DP views it - although you sense of not being included when your DP wasn’t at the table suggests this is the family style.

I’d definitely be questioning whether I want to remain with him.

But why not say
"Right DP, I'm exhausted and going to call it a night. Things are in full swing here and you're having fun, so I'll get a taxi, you settle our bill when everyone's ready and I'll see you in the morning x"

@dementedpixie that was my question to him aswell, I don't understand why it's bad manners to get to a point in the meal where.youre like "that's enough.for.me now", it wasn't as if I was good company by the end of the meal anyway as I was all tired out.

I think he just wanted to stay which is fine and even before the meal I asked if I could skip it as I was tired and that I didnt really go but he said we wouldn't be there too long and to change my mindset to a positive one

Your bf is being unreasonable. If people were leaving the table to go to the bar then you or he could have gone to the bar and asked to pay for what you had. I get his etiquette point but there are discreet ways around it, and it's not good etiquette to keep people prisoner either!
I have sat through many, many long family meals but 3.5 hours and still going is a lot. I expect the restaurant wouldn't have been far off starting to close by then so YANBU

Three times in within less than four hours is a bit excessive, is there something wrong with his guts?

@alwaysmovingforwards I've just explained that - he's not the type that would "let" me get a taxi on my own, he'd always come with me as he is a big believer in leaving together and he's quite old fashioned in his views in terms of relationships;
I wouldn't have minded leaving on my own, heck I could even have asked my dad to pick me up worst case scenario as it was only a 15 minute drive from where we all live

If you always want to leave earlier than him when you're out socialising, i imagine it could be rather frustrating.

@lap90 yes I totally agree and we are.probably mismatched socially but I am happy to not go to every family event and I also don't mind driving myself in the future; otherwise it's just frustrating for both of us

I think next time he told me I eoukd be able to leave somewhere early Id be asking how this fits into his rigid ideas about etiquette. I presume he's a bit insecure within himself if he's more concerned about how he is viewed rather than your feelings and sticking to his commitment to leave early.