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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner annoyed I wanted to leave early

153 replies

MollyE45 · 29/10/2022 08:33

So went to a sit down "party", mostly like a meal, with DP and his family , many of whom I've never met before. There was about 15 of us. After a day at work, I was already tired but DP said we'd stay only until around 9 (meal started at half 6.

The first 3 hours was fine, I was socialising etc. But around 10 past 10 I became tired and I asked DP if we could start getting ready to leave.

He snapped at.me (in a whispery voice) that it is not good etiquette to ask for the bill when nobody else has asked.
I'm not the best socially and everytime DP would go to the toilet, nobody was speaking to me and I felt really awkward. I started feeling quite claustrophobic that I couldn't leave this meal.
I told him I'd been here 3 hours and that was enough for me and I said just because we're leaving, doesn't mean everyone else has to. He sulkingly asked for the bill.

We haven't spoken since coming home last night and I feel dreadful. I don't know why I'm like this socially. I was fine the first couple.of hours but then I just become tired and this seems a regular thing, even as a child I'd want to leave parties early

OP posts:
Original poster
MollyE45 · 29/10/2022 09:24

@Gunpowder that's exactly what I did; I didn't ask for the bill. I whispered to him "are we okay to pay for ours and get going?" He said "10 more.minutes and I'm sure everyone else will start getting ready to leave",
20 minutes later, people are still going to the bar,
So I whispered again "I want to go now, can we just pay for ours, I don't see the problem"
Which was when he snapped about etiquette

OP posts:
ihatethefuckingmuffin · 29/10/2022 09:24

What other situations do you have to tip toe around him so that he doesn’t sulk?

I would be asking more about this etiquette thing. When it was first introduced. By who. Where can I read more about not leaving before others etc. But I am confrontational and don’t go along with things just because I am told to.

SpookyPanda · 29/10/2022 09:26

MollyE45 · 29/10/2022 09:24

@Gunpowder that's exactly what I did; I didn't ask for the bill. I whispered to him "are we okay to pay for ours and get going?" He said "10 more.minutes and I'm sure everyone else will start getting ready to leave",
20 minutes later, people are still going to the bar,
So I whispered again "I want to go now, can we just pay for ours, I don't see the problem"
Which was when he snapped about etiquette

He sounds nasty tbh OP

Shemovesshemoves21 · 29/10/2022 09:26
  1. He went back on your agreed 'leave time'.
  2. Insisted you stay in an awkward social situation, even when you told him beforehand that you were tired
  3. Told you to 'think positively' when expressing you didn't really want to go
  4. Ignoring you/getting annoyed when you wanted to leave after a reasonable amount of time
  5. His and his families expectations around etiquette differ massively from yours
  6. Won't allow you to leave through the guise of being 'old fashioned' or gentlemanly.

I would would seriously reconsider your relationship with this man. He sounds rather odd and, from what I've read, you're heading deeper into a controlling relationship and not knowing it.

Glitteratitar · 29/10/2022 09:27

I would be pissed off if I’m out with family / family friends and DH is badgering on about leaving when it’s obvious I’m having a good time. I would find it controlling tbh. Being in a relationship involves going to dinners and events with your partner.

How often does he see these people?

VenusClapTrap · 29/10/2022 09:29

Nobody would be telling me I couldn’t leave when I wanted to and remaining in a relationship with me.

Red flags all over this one.

Original poster
MollyE45 · 29/10/2022 09:29

@Glitteratitar that's fair enough but I've said I would have gone home and I said at the start that he could go on how own as I was tired but he insisted I come and we.wont be there too many hours;
It's not as if I forced myself to the meal and then said I wanted to leave after an hour, I was there for over 3 and a half hours

OP posts:
AnnapurnaSanctuary · 29/10/2022 09:31

Next time just get a taxi OP. It's completely unfair of him to not let you get a taxi but also not be prepared to leave himself.

Original poster
MollyE45 · 29/10/2022 09:32

Yes, or hopefully I'd have my car next time as it was in the garage. Usually I'm the driver as I'm not a drinker but this time DP had to drive.

OP posts:
BellePeppa · 29/10/2022 09:33

5yearplan · 29/10/2022 08:35

I can understand how he felt tbh. He had to ask for the bill when he and the others were not ready to leave just because you were tired. I think you should have joined in as much as you could till the evening came to a natural end. I wouldn’t be pleased if it was my partner and we were out with my family.

Really? I wouldn’t be at all bothered if they (she) wanted to leave - surely if it’s family you should feel at ease enough to say well we’re off now see you soon etc? I read on MN so often that if you don’t want to do something or be somewhere then you should just be open and say so, so why not for this? Three hours was more than enough.

Pansypotter123 · 29/10/2022 09:34

How's he behaving this morning?

myexisawanker · 29/10/2022 09:34

What's stopping you going to the waiter and asking to pay for your meals / tip so they are then off the bill. There is no need to get the bill for everyone

MzHz · 29/10/2022 09:35

sorrynotathome · 29/10/2022 08:37

I imagine at least a third of the people there were waiting for someone to be the first to leave so they could follow…

Tbf, I thought this too.

Itsallok · 29/10/2022 09:35

MollyE45 · 29/10/2022 09:14

@Itsallok oh dear, you sound quite angry and I don't think there was any reason to be rude

Hardly. Just glad I am not so pathetic that I think this behaviour from you or him is normal. You should have quietly said to him you were ready to go but he should stay and have fun. Normal. Him cracking a sad on the basis of "etiquette" - oh spare me - is not normal. Have some self repect.

Original poster
MollyE45 · 29/10/2022 09:35

@Pansypotter123 he's still in bed so not seen him

OP posts:
Original poster
MollyE45 · 29/10/2022 09:36

@myexisawanker that's what I wanted to do, the only thing stopping us was this supposed "etequitte"

OP posts:
Original poster
MollyE45 · 29/10/2022 09:37

@Itsallok well I'm glad I don't call people I don't know on the internet pathetic. Please be kind with your words realise there are real people behind the screen.
I'm happy to take constructive criticism and I've taken lots.of advice on board.for the future so just driving myself or getting a lift home but the I think the rudeness is uncalled for

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 29/10/2022 09:38

Glitteratitar · 29/10/2022 09:27

I would be pissed off if I’m out with family / family friends and DH is badgering on about leaving when it’s obvious I’m having a good time. I would find it controlling tbh. Being in a relationship involves going to dinners and events with your partner.

How often does he see these people?

Also being in a relationship is about accepting that each person is also an individual with their own needs

If my DP wanted to go I would just say that’s fine see you in a bit, I am going to stay. It wouldn’t even get to the badgering stage and it’s certainly not controlling. And it would be the same if I wanted to leave. That’s what a relationship is about not forcing your partner to be in a situation they don’t want to be in

Newnamefor2021 · 29/10/2022 09:40

Glitteratitar · 29/10/2022 09:27

I would be pissed off if I’m out with family / family friends and DH is badgering on about leaving when it’s obvious I’m having a good time. I would find it controlling tbh. Being in a relationship involves going to dinners and events with your partner.

How often does he see these people?

I don't get why you think one person trumps another here. Compromises come both sides. It sounds like OP said she didn't want to go in the first place and a compromise was made to satay until 930. She went because he expected it. Then he didn't keep to his side of it. She waiters past the time he agreed with her, then asked about leaving again, he said 10 more minutes, she gave him 20 more minutes and then asked again.

It seemed that this experience was all about him and she's expected to be the dutiful girlfriend and sit there and do whatever he wanted. It's actually shocking that people thing the OP has any fault in this.

He could have suggested she get a taxi herself or get her dad to get her and just say if someone noticed that she was tired or he's a headache or whatever and she's gone home and he could have stayed. Or better still, let her take the car home and he could got a taxi which means he could have had a few drinks.

Compromise comes from both sides and the OP did more than enough to accommodate him wants. I get not wanting to be the first to leave and be enjoying yourself but adult life is often about putting others first and situations first. I've gone out to meals or town with plenty of people who need to go home early because they have work the next day or babysitters etc. I don't see how it ruins it for everyone else.

Itsallok · 29/10/2022 09:43

MollyE45 · 29/10/2022 09:37

@Itsallok well I'm glad I don't call people I don't know on the internet pathetic. Please be kind with your words realise there are real people behind the screen.
I'm happy to take constructive criticism and I've taken lots.of advice on board.for the future so just driving myself or getting a lift home but the I think the rudeness is uncalled for

Its an internet forum. TBH - hard for me to think there are actual people like your boyfriend who think leaving early from some pub is going against some sort of social rule. why ask for the bill? He can stay - and pay when apparently its appropriate. Has he got some sort of class anxiety?

BananaCocktails · 29/10/2022 09:44

I can’t believe some comments on here you should’ve told your husband That you would like to leave however he was welcome to stay that way he wouldn’t have had to ask for the bill
And I find that quite rude that his family didn’t speak to you or make an Effort with you when he wasn’t at the table. You haven’t met his family before and you were going to the event so they should’ve made the effort however you could’ve made some effort for some chitchat as well. 10 o’clock is quite late in the evening for some people and three hours at a table is more than enough I would’ve left at nine

HotCoffee22 · 29/10/2022 09:44

I don’t understand the comments re asking for the bill? Someone has to ask for the bill. Why can’t OP be the first?

Thereisnolight · 29/10/2022 09:52

I think OP sounds just as controlling as she claims her DP is. Why should he leave his family’s dinner early just because she (by her own admission) is an introvert?

Next time sort yourself out OP and leave him to decide when he’s had enough. Maybe you’re just not compatible.

Chocolatelabradorsarethebest · 29/10/2022 09:53

Treads like this always amaze me and I wonder if some people have ever been out for a meal with family etc. I can’t say I’ve ever been out for a meal that would be planned to finish at 9pm.

Also the usual MN double standards are out in force. If the roles were reversed and this was ‘we had a meal out with 15 of my family that I haven’t seen in a long time and it was the first time DP had met most of them but he said before we even got there we had to leave by 9pm and then he started asking at 10pm to leave as he was tired which ruined the night, AIBU?’ You’d be inundated with ‘what a pathetic man child needing to be tucked up in bed at 9pm because he was tired’ or ‘Red flag, red flag, he’s being controlling and not bothering to make any effort with your family, dump him’.

grayhairdontcare · 29/10/2022 09:53

So you are not allowed to get the bill
You are not allowed to leave when you want
And you are not allowed to get a taxi ???

You are either a doormat or he's a controlling prick