Partner annoyed I wanted to leave early

[MollyE45]

So went to a sit down "party", mostly like a meal, with DP and his family , many of whom I've never met before. There was about 15 of us. After a day at work, I was already tired but DP said we'd stay only until around 9 (meal started at half 6.

The first 3 hours was fine, I was socialising etc. But around 10 past 10 I became tired and I asked DP if we could start getting ready to leave.

He snapped at.me (in a whispery voice) that it is not good etiquette to ask for the bill when nobody else has asked.
I'm not the best socially and everytime DP would go to the toilet, nobody was speaking to me and I felt really awkward. I started feeling quite claustrophobic that I couldn't leave this meal.
I told him I'd been here 3 hours and that was enough for me and I said just because we're leaving, doesn't mean everyone else has to. He sulkingly asked for the bill.

We haven't spoken since coming home last night and I feel dreadful. I don't know why I'm like this socially. I was fine the first couple.of hours but then I just become tired and this seems a regular thing, even as a child I'd want to leave parties early

@lap90 but at the same time, it was a meal and even with friends, our meals are only about 2 and a half hours, pushing 3 before one of us asks for the bill, I think 10 o'clock or half 10 is a usual time in meals to call it a night?

He's being ridiculous, and now giving you the silent treatment when he was the one to change the goal posts after saying you could leave at 9. You were there ages. He needs to stop sulking and apologise to you.

He sounds like a controlling twat

He can't not or let you catch a cab. You are a grown women! Make your own mind up. If he has a problem with that then its on him not you. You sound wet and he sounds controlling

Was thinking that myself. He sounds very controlling.

he's quite old fashioned in his views in terms of relationships;

and here is your problem. Substitute Old Fashioned for controlling, and you've got your answer.

@Itsallok oh dear, you sound quite angry and I don't think there was any reason to be rude

When you say “ old fashioned “, do you mean “ controlling “ ?

When men say “ You can’t do X because it reflects badly on me “ it’s a red flag. It means that they think you are their property.

Life is too short for this to be an issue. It sounds like you are just incompatible. This wasn't a one off event like a big birthday, just a Friday night meal out. There will be dozens of events like this in the future. If he can't agree a compromise you are both happy with like, you leaving early on your own, I'm not sure this is the relationship for you. You can't sit through countless evenings unhappy because of his views on etiquette. And he shouldn't be unhappy each time he wants to go out because he
feels like you are clock watching.

It's not bringing the meal to an end if he explains to the server they are leaving but the others plan to stay- can he please pay his portion of the bill.

I think he was being selfish- he should not have agreed to leave at 9ish if he wasn't going to follow through.

I wouldn't see your DP as a long term partner. I'm like you and my ex was like your partner. My ex would also get really annoyed if I wanted to leave early. He thought I was miserable, but I just like the calm and peace of my own home. He and his friends were massive drinkers back then and eventually I began to find nights out quite boring and claustrophobic.

We split up years ago now, and we're both much happier without each other! I know splitting up seems drastic, but the way he spoke to you and then ignored you isn't kind. I think kindness is the most important quality in a partner.

I wouldn't call him controlling but he just always feels a need to "please" his family. His family are total opposite to mine and they have certain expectations otherwise sarky remarks are made

You had me at ‘we'd stay only until around 9’. He lied to you.

Most of the posters berating you can’t seem to read.

Omg, that's so long! 10pm is late enough to leave. I'm introverted and would have left at 9pm. I wouldn't care if they thought I was rude. I have to be in bed by 10pm, otherwise I feel ill the next day.

He told you it would be a 9pm finish, so he is being unreasonable. To now be giving you the silent treatment is horrible. Is he abusive in other ways? Say he persuaded you to go when you didn’t want to and telling you to get a positive mindset raises red flags for me.

Well that's a deeper relationship problem that he's treating you like a child, or a possession, and that you're complicit in accepting this.

If I wanted to leave and my partner explained they wouldn't 'let' because they believe we should always leave events together I'd smile, say "we'll talk about this tomorrow" and I'd leave.

And next next day we'd certainly discuss. I'd make clear that even though we're a couple, I'm an adult and I'd make clear where my boundaries are about making my own choices in any given situation.
Hopefully we'd have a meeting of minds.
If we didn't, then I'd accept we simply have different values & beliefs, weren't compatible enough to enhance each other's lives and activate 'operation exit plan' in my head. And then I'd make it happen quite quickly.

@Beautiful3 I'm the exact same, which is why I thought there was something socially wrong with me or my manners as I saw no problem with asking for the bill! My energy was down

Quite a lot of red flags here:
-The way he spoke to you to keep you in line

• changing the goalposts and using the silent treatment to punish you further
• not allowing you to leave by yourself ( this has been ingrained in you now) putting his image ahead of what you need

You need to address what happened last night now otherwise he's setting the precedence on how you should behave ... that is you need to know your place .

@alwaysmovingforwards but I am independent, like I said my job is very social, but I didn't want to make a scene in front of his family or him running after me;
Maybe if I could play back the event, I would do things differently but at the time I didn't want a dramatic scene made.over me leaving early

Well it was a Friday night and he’s socialising with family and friends that he hasn’t seen for a while. I think you were naive to believe you’d be done at 9.

Having said that, next time you just need to set expectations before you go and say that you’re knackered but you don’t want to stop him from having fun if it runs over so you will be leaving at X time. Then at X time just tell your DP that you are leaving and did he want to come or stay? Then stand up and say to the group “thanks everyone for a lovely night, I’m sorry for skipping out early, it’s been a mad week at work and my bed is calling me. Let’s do this again soon.” Kisses, hugs and go.

You are an adult woman, your DP does not have to “allow” you to leave when you are done but you need to practice taking a bit of control in these situations.

He was unreasonable to make you stay later than he’d promised and then be cross, however it can bring things to a premature end if someone asks for the bill off their own bat when everyone is still having a good time.

In your situation I would have quietly said to DP I’m shattered, shall we pay our bit and go now or should I get a cab?’ If he agreed to leave with me then one of us would have got up and discreetly paid our share with the waiter, and then explained to the others that we’d paid for our part of the dinner and were leaving. That way no one feels uncomfortable or has to leave before they are ready.

@Nosleepforthismum perfect advice and I will take this on board!

You were being very reasonable to want to leave. 4.5 hours for dinner is way more than enough

He is being a jerk for giving you the silent treatment

You did nothing wrong op. Your dp let you down and tried to make you look bad for wanting to go home at the agreed time. He didn't want to leave so tried to blame it on you for asking.

This.