Partner annoyed I wanted to leave early

[MollyE45]

So went to a sit down "party", mostly like a meal, with DP and his family , many of whom I've never met before. There was about 15 of us. After a day at work, I was already tired but DP said we'd stay only until around 9 (meal started at half 6.

The first 3 hours was fine, I was socialising etc. But around 10 past 10 I became tired and I asked DP if we could start getting ready to leave.

He snapped at.me (in a whispery voice) that it is not good etiquette to ask for the bill when nobody else has asked.
I'm not the best socially and everytime DP would go to the toilet, nobody was speaking to me and I felt really awkward. I started feeling quite claustrophobic that I couldn't leave this meal.
I told him I'd been here 3 hours and that was enough for me and I said just because we're leaving, doesn't mean everyone else has to. He sulkingly asked for the bill.

We haven't spoken since coming home last night and I feel dreadful. I don't know why I'm like this socially. I was fine the first couple.of hours but then I just become tired and this seems a regular thing, even as a child I'd want to leave parties early

YABU

it was a Friday night

why are you so tired? Do you have a particularly strenuous job or something?

10pm is early to leave for a Friday night

you weren’t driving , you could have a few drinks and let your hair down

Why exactly were you so desperate to get home?

YABU @MollyE45 op

it was a Friday night

why are you so tired? Do you have a particularly strenuous job or something?

10pm is early to leave for a Friday night

you weren’t driving , you could have a few drinks and let your hair down

Why exactly were you so desperate to get home?

@MollyE45

but in the grand scheme of things it’s really no big deal so I wouldn’t worry too much about it 😊

I imagine many of the other people at the table were waiting eagerly for someone to have the balls to wrap the "party" up!
Many of these "family get-togethers" are a bit of a duty, rather than a pleasure, and I can promise you, no-one will have cared that after the better part of 4 hours, things were starting to wrap up. Everyone puts on their "polite, having fun faces", but I can promise that like half the table would rather have been somewhere else!

I'm a bit like you, in that I have a social battery, and once it's drained, I'm DONE. I can go from "really enjoying myself" to "I want to go" in, like, 15 minutes or less.

Your DH will get over it.

He snapped at.me (in a whispery voice) that it is not good etiquette to ask for the bill when nobody else has asked.
What a twat. By his logic, nobody would be able to leave a restaurant. because nobody is allowed to be the first one to ask for the bill ...

He told you the event would finish around 9.30. You waited longer than that & were reasonable to want to leave after 10.

You told him that nobody else had to leave just because you & DH did ... I don't understand why you needed him to leave WITH you? I'm not excusing his rudeness to you, just wondering why you needed an escort to go home?

Molly, I can tell you for a fact that your partner is NOT "massive on etiquette".

People with good manners are considerate to their partners, & don't browbeat them with manipulative bullshit.

People with good manners don't obsess about how a minor breach (btw - leaving a gathering is NOT a breach, stop letting him tell you it is) looks "bad on him". That's not about manners - it's purely about his ego!

No, the only thing stopping you was your controlling partner.

I wouldn't call him controlling but
Molly I am a little concerned about your partner.

I think next time I'll drive myself but he would still have a problem with me leaving early by myself.
And that is HIS problem. He doesn't get to make it yours, by bullshitting you with invented 'etiquette' rules & browbeating you into staying.

I think he just wanted to stay which is fine and even before the meal I asked if I could skip it as I was tired and that I didnt really go but he said we wouldn't be there too long and to change my mindset to a positive one
He doesn't allow you to make your own decisions.

he's not the type that would "let" me get a taxi on my own, he'd always come with me as he is a big believer in leaving together
He's not the boss of you. Why are you allowing him to get away with this?

and he's quite old fashioned in his views in terms of relationships;
Oh dear.
And you don't think he's controlling you.

Tell us more about the other areas of your relationship that he gets to call all the shots in ..?

II would have had enough after that length of time too. I’m quite sociable too.
@LuckySantangelo35 they’d agreed to leave at 9.15, but the OP stayed an extra hour, which is more than reasonable.

next time OP / text your partner during the day and remind him you’re happy to go, but you’ll have had enough by 9ish. Take two cars if necessary.

The meal had finished, it was after 10, it wasn’t rude to leave. So basically your partner wanted to stay and didn’t care that you didn’t want to. Despite him previously agreeing that you’d leave before 10. And then he gave ypjj in the silent treatment. Is this a one off or maybe it’s not such a good relationship?

I think that poster is on your side. You need to transfer this anger to your husband.

I hate trashing the next day so always one of the first to leave. Happy yo take separate cars. I don't stay until the end of anything. DH can like or lump it.

I think I'd say to him if this is such an issue for you I think you need to know that sulking isn't going to change it. I'm even less likely to want to come next time because you sulk. So let's split up. I'm not interested in you deciding what I can and cannot do.

You've not done anything wrong. He shouldn't be annoyed. Maybe a bit disappointed as he wanted to stay longer, but he shouldn't take it out on you. It would be different if you hadn't agreed already that you'd leave at about 9, but given you had discussed that in advance he is being unreasonable. The meal was finished, I think? It should have been a simple thing to tell everyone you were tired and wanted to head off for an early night, but do please carry on, then ask others whether they preferred to you to a) get bill now b) pay your share later c) pay an approximate share now. You needn't close down the whole evening by doing that and he definitely needn't get worked up about it.

YABU it was Friday night. You sound hard work, perhaps your DH just wanted to enjoy the social event.

What's with all the PP feeling constrained to point out what day of the week it is?

It's not a legal requirement to stay out late on a Friday. Or even to go out at all.
You sound like a teenager.

OP's partner told her the event would finish at 9.30, then got arsey with her for wanting to leave at 10.10.

You really don’t know why Friday is relevant?

Many people work Monday to Friday and Friday is therefore a night they can stay out late as they don’t have to be up early for work the next day.

Your DP sounds like my first husband. I eventually realised that he could only see me in the context of how I made him look. He wasn't nasty about it. He just had this blind spot about me having my own needs and thoughts! Even the silent treatment I got after social events wasn't pointed - he just kind of forgot I existed because his thoughts went to important things to him and I guess I only counted as that if I was making him look good in some way.

He says it would all be done by a certain time and it wasn’t. You asked to leave and where happy for him to go back or even get a lift or taxi. That wasn’t good enough for him. You stayed later than agreed anyway. Now his being a man baby and giving you the silent treatment.

I don’t see how your wrong at all apart from by putting up with his stupid behaviour. You would of happily left without him or him drop you back then him go back.

He sounds like a controlling knob. not "etiquette" for you to leave without him? but it's ok to make you stay out for an unspecified time after he'd "agreed" you could leave? and he doesn't let you get a taxi alone?

You are better off without this controller, OP, really

People need to stop with the “controlling” nonsense too. People can disagree and also be pains in the arse without being controlling.

Well there are some key things: agreeing to leave at 9:30 then insisting she stay because he doesn't like her leaving because it makes him look bad, and he won't let her get a taxi alone are 3 big things to me.

But i wouldn't put up with this from someone who apparently loves me and i would probably have stood up and said "sorry everyone it's been a really long week, it's been lovely, see you next time" and gone.

Which is what both i and my DH have done in the past on occasion when we really haven't wanted to stay but the other has. It is, in a normal relationship, no biggie.

Thank you for stating the bleeding obvious @Thereisnolight

Clearly I perceive the relevance, as my post was pointing out that it's not obligatory to spend every Friday night out socialising.

Many people don't wish to & last Friday, OP was one of them. She told her partner that she was tired & didn't want to go out, he would not allow her not to, & then some PP piled on to her as if she's in the wrong for simply not wanting to spend her Friday night out socialising.

I can see it might be awkward in that situation OP, but I'm totally with you in the sense that - who on earth wants to sit around the same table from 6.30 to way past 10.00 pm?? I can feel my bottom getting numb just thinking about it...and the conversation would definitely flag, unless it was a group of good and old friends.

Personally I hate social situations where there are expectations that people will stay till the bitter end and I hate formality, which seems to have been the problem here.

It doesn't matter what individual posters preferences are for going out/staying in and who ibu in that regard. The fact is you had an agreement that he seems to have had no intention of keeping even as he made it. That's manipulative. And now he's sulking - again, manipulative behaviour.
Personally I'd not want to be in a relationship with a man who gives no ducks about how tired or uncomfortable I am, so long as he can do as he wants! Appeasing his family's perceived feelings above yours, is not a good sign in a relationship and id be wondering how this would pan out down the line esp if it comes to children - he'll be forever putting their wants above yours.
If he was mine, I'd be seriously reconsidering this relationship - sulking is a very unattractive trait!