Partner annoyed I wanted to leave early

[MollyE45]

So went to a sit down "party", mostly like a meal, with DP and his family , many of whom I've never met before. There was about 15 of us. After a day at work, I was already tired but DP said we'd stay only until around 9 (meal started at half 6.

The first 3 hours was fine, I was socialising etc. But around 10 past 10 I became tired and I asked DP if we could start getting ready to leave.

He snapped at.me (in a whispery voice) that it is not good etiquette to ask for the bill when nobody else has asked.
I'm not the best socially and everytime DP would go to the toilet, nobody was speaking to me and I felt really awkward. I started feeling quite claustrophobic that I couldn't leave this meal.
I told him I'd been here 3 hours and that was enough for me and I said just because we're leaving, doesn't mean everyone else has to. He sulkingly asked for the bill.

We haven't spoken since coming home last night and I feel dreadful. I don't know why I'm like this socially. I was fine the first couple.of hours but then I just become tired and this seems a regular thing, even as a child I'd want to leave parties early

this.

Because it was mutually pre agreed and understood that they would leave at 21:00.

She stayed a extra hour ontop of That. Did you read that bit?

Yes I did. Makes no difference. They’re not conjoined twins.

Maybe my whole friendship group and family are abnormal then because 2 and a half to 3 hours is usually our norm for eating in a meal before the bill is asked for

Honestly, you sound quite difficult. He had to have a discussion with you before you left about what time you would leave. He probably felt you wanted to leave the whole evening.

Your DP was obviously enjoying himself and not ready to leave. Not sure why you wanting to leave should be more important than him wanting to stay?

@Holidayhomehell is that not what conversations are for in relationships? We discussed beforehand about leaving time as I originally said I was tired and he could go by himself, how is that an abnormal conversation?

People need to stop with the “controlling” nonsense too. People can disagree and also be pains in the arse without being controlling.

You're not difficult, OP. You were tired, and had already stayed past the previously agreed time to leave. Your partner arbitrarily decided his needs for so-called 'etiquette' trumped his promise, and any empathy for you. He owes you an apology.

OP actually went outside her comfort zone for her OH on this occasion by going to the meal at all, it’s her OH that retrospectively changed the goal posts. Not OP. How is that controlling?

Absolutely agree op. We're not in Spain. 3 hours for a meal is ample time, no shame in asking for the bill after that.

Just to warn you, these mismatches WILL be a problem going forward. Your differing social habits, and also your relationship with his family, to whom he is close.

So ask yourself how well the rest of the relationship is going and how much you two really have in common. This will not change.

In future , go to the loo, ask for your bill discretely in the way up the loo then check you are paying a fair share and pay for the bill on the way back from the bill.

Then go back to the table say thank you and goodbye, we have paid out part of the bill already.

I think the big about not breaking up the party early only really counts when you are there as guests of someone who is hosting and paying the whole bill.

What else doesn't he "let" you do? Also why can you not drive his car?

You had the discussion, you agreed to join his event with a bunch of strangers after a long day at work on the understanding that you could leave at 9. He then reneged on the agreement. Next time tell him to go on his own and stay until the end.

As for the "etiquette", people leave earlier than others for all sorts of reasons in this situation. Some simply tired, early start the next day, small children at home - its normal. What about "etiquette" or simple consideration where you are concerned? Does that not matter, are manners and consideration only for show to outsiders?

I don’t think you are abnormal. 6.30-10.15 pm was plenty of time. How long could it go for? restaurants usually close at 11pm. There are always someone who’s leaving first. And you did tell him that you couldn’t stay very late.

I'll drive myself but he would still have a problem with me leaving early by myself.

It's fair enough that he would rather you were a sociable kind of person but that is not you. You need to agree together how your preferences are going to be accommodated in future.

It's not fair for him to insist you stay or to get huffy about your leaving early. It's not fair for you to have to accommodate his wishes.

To be compatible you have to be able to work out together a way that are both happy. And no one sulks.

No one should be sulking regardless.

It sounds like he didn't want to leave so is blaming you for ruining his fun, even though he was the one who set the expectation of what time you'd be leaving at.

YANBU OP and your partner's behaviour was unfair, controlling, and with the silent treatment deeply immature as well. The fact he wouldn't let you leave alone because of how it would look is bizarre. He sounds horrible to me. I am very sociable and I would never treat my partner like that. I think you behaved very fairly and I wonder if this is a 'boiled frog' situation if you aren't confident that his behaviour towards you is rude and disrespectful.

You should have made your own way home and you should have asked for the bill, not him.
so yabu

I think in the future you should as others have said have a means to get yourself home. But your reaction does seem a bit extreme to me (like the claustrophobia). This could be a symptom of the fact that you felt you couldn’t get yourself home so might be helped by a plan in that respect but honestly I think I would just have got a taxi or something, or just taken the car and suggested he stay out and get a taxi/ stay over. So you might want to get some help with your reaction if this keeps happening.

Also the title of the post is misleading - he actually wanted you to leave later vs what was agreed. So you OH is annoyed that you leaved later than agreed!

Is he insecure in other aspects of his life?

His idea of etiquette is is all up the shit & it's showing his insecurity up. Is he not doing as well in life as his family expected?

you don't have to put up with coming second to his insecurity.

Hmmm... as pps have said, you need to tell him quite plainly that you are happy to go and socialise, but at the end of the working week you're not always up for staying out for an extended period of time. If you agree a time to leave before you go out and he doesn't want to stick to it, that's fine. But you will be leaving without him. If he doesn't like that he can come with you.

I'm pregnant atm and 10pm is my absolute cut off. I've had to hurry DH along a few times as goodbyes in Ireland go on for about 3 pints and 2 hours, but he has never been stroppy about it, he is happy to leave whenever it suits me. He usually asks me throughout the evening if I've had enough or if I'm still OK to be out, even if its a daytime thing he is always checking that im happy.

Your partner sounds a bit selfish. I think if he's giving you the silent treatment he's being a bit of a baby and I'd have no time for that. Have a chat with him and see how he reacts, if he doesn't take it well its perhaps never gonna get better so I'd tell him you don't think you're compatible. Unless you want to be in this position every time there's a dinner or night out.

I suspect the meal would have been long over and they were all sitting chatting.

Expecting it to be over at 9 was silly. If OhH said he was going out for a meal with friends and it would be over by 9 I wouldn't believe him.

In that situation just tell him you're tired and he can go on his own.

I can't understand why some people are saying you were unreasonable and controlling!

You said you were tired and didn't want to go but he should go by himself but HE told you to change your mindset!

You both agreed to leave by 9ish and yet an hour after that, you're still there.

You offered to find your own way home so that he could stay and he wouldn't allow that.

It's not you that's controlling!!!

I hope he's got over his tantrum this morning.

It sounds like it wasn’t just a meal though, it sounds like it was a bigger occasion than that. DP properly thought 9pm would be late enough but evidently it went on longer than expected. with that number of people it will take longer to be served and to eat. Gatherings like that aren’t just a quick bite and then leaving. They are more social than that. Dp clearly felt that it was too soon to leave. I’d be pissed off if my partner had asked me to leave a family thing before I was ready.

youve said yourself you’re not “good” at social events and don’t know why you are like that. It’s fine not to be the life and soul but to go with your partner and support his night was all you had to do. So I’d say yabu.