Partner left me 8 months pregnant and 2 weeks later had a new girlfriend

[EJLx]

I'm currently days away from having my baby and her dad has just admitted he's in a new relationship and has moved in with this woman, he decided he'd tell me now because they would both like to have my daughter over at their house for sleepovers when she's born. He left me at 6 months pregnant with no explanation, then weeks later came back and said he'd made a mistake so we got back together.... 2 months later he left me again only this time it came out that he'd been seeing other woman and telling them how he'd love to be with them and not me, telling me he was on night shifts when he was actually taking different women out, I say women, they were 18/19 early 20s. We haven't been together since, he swore blind none of it was true but minds were already made up and we'd decided we would leave it and just concentrate on being parents. He moved out to live with friends and he'd come round and see me, telling me he was sorting himself out and he wasn't with anyone and he was putting all his efforts into sorting himself out for when our daughter is born. In the last few days it's come to light that he's actually in a full blown relationship with someone, not one of the ones from before, and hes moved in with her. I received a message from her telling me how she's going to love and look after my daughter and they want her to stay over at their house when she's born....out of the blue, it was only a day before this that he was telling me he's living between friends and has no fixed address. I tried to be nice and grown up and I said it was fine and that we'd make something work somehow... But I know I'm kidding myself , I've now told him I don't want him at the birth I don't want him anywhere near us and that he'll have to take me to court. I feel awful, I love him so much and this baby was planned and wanted more than anything , I cant believe he's done this to me. He's said he'll go to court..he's keeping his new girlfriend and he wants my baby too. Should I just get on with it and allow it ..let him come to the birth, let her be a part of my baby's life let them take my baby overnight every now and again... Or put a stop to it now and let it go to court... I never wanted this, I wanted him to be part of everything even with all the cheating but the fact he's moved in with someone and she has the front to come to me and tell me she's going to do this that and the other just sickens me. My baby isn't even here yet and I'm already having to think about sharing her with a woman I've never met. I don't know what to do for the best, I still love him and I know that's clouding my judgement, I just don't see why he should get this new happy life and my baby included when I've been left, completely alone, after almost 8 years together. I'm so sad and confused 😭

So you would stop a child having a father because he cheated on you ?
Hes behaved despicably and my heart hurts for the lady , but to deny a child it’s father because he cheated is cruel on the child.
The girlfriend sounds a bit of an insecure and somewhat thick twat and probably won’t be around long when she realises the baby isn’t some dolly to dress up.
I would have a friend as a birthing partner (I don’t have a mum) , and let dad come afterwards.
little and often contact is what they recommend for young babies and personally I’d not have him in the house doing it. Keep that house as yours and your kids safe relaxing place.
After the birth is an emotional time and you may feel weak and he could play on this , please have someone with you so he can’t try amd worm his way back in.
You can and will do this and make yourself and your children a great life. They will work out what there
Dad is in their own time xxx

Why the other girl isn't running from him like she's on fire I don't know, the red flags are hanging out of this fella. She sounds like she doesn't have a clue and suggesting sleepovers with a new baby is just ridiculous which would make me question how much they both know about babies to be able to care for your little one appropriately when they are here. I agree with the earlier poster who said you are best doing what you can to enjoy your pregnancy and reduce your stress because you deserve to rest and soak the last few weeks with your baby bump in before they arrive. I would actually go so far as to suggest you tell him that you don't want to have contact with him until baby is here because of the stress he's causing you which isn't good for baby. I would absolutely go to court and challenge him after baby arrives and in the next few weeks think about all the good support networks you have from family and friends and get them lined up to help you out when baby comes. I'd get yourself a solicitor lined up and brief them fully on everything, ideally someone who you feel comfortable with and who's dealt successfully with similar cases before and I'd document everything, any time he's threatened you with court or in any other capacity, any messages etc you've received from them and don't speak to them on the phone, go via email or text so there's a written record of what's been said and any proof or admission of infidelity. I wouldn't recommend having him at the birth you need someone there who you can trust and who will support you to keep that oxytocin flowing, if he's there and it stresses you out it could actually hamper your labour so put yourself and baby first here. That's all backed up with research if you look into hypnobirthing so you're not saying anything that isn't grounded in fact. He can visit after the delivery if you're happy with that and just remember these are direct consequences to the choices he made- this is on him, not you being deliberately difficult. It would be good to see who you trust to have as your birthing partner and if you're not sure you could hire a doula. I'd speak to the midwives as well and make them aware so they can support you in hospital. For example if he rocks up with her they could ask her to leave, if he starts giving you grief they'll kick him out and say they need to check you over without letting on. They will have your back. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this OP he sounds like an absolute scumbag. You don't need to be overly accommodating here, he's screwed you over hugely and is acting like a bully so you just need the right people in place who can fight your corner so you can breathe and enjoy meeting your little one. There are much better times ahead for you than this you deserve so much more than him.

Yes a father can absolutely apply to court for Parental Responsibility. My thoughts are that if he is genuinely committed to being a father (which is not apparent at the moment given his behaviour) he can and should apply. Getting PR is not a particularly difficult process and is rarely denied.

I think experience says his likely hood of a positive and proactive commitment to this baby are low so the OP can save her and the child 18 years of malicious meddling until that point.

Children have a right to loving, competent care givers. If that happens to be their father that's great. But he is not currently covering himself in glory or demonstrating anything that would reassure the OP he won't be anything other than difficult or absent.

None of this precludes the child having a relationship with the father or him having contact. PR makes no difference to that of that is what the OP wants for the baby.

Your ex is doing the 'good guy' routine about how he will be the involved father from birth and is pushing the gf into this step mother role whether she will admit it or realises it.

It will last about two minutes after the baby is born because it won't be theorectical. It will be taking responsibility which this man child isn't ready for.

Just say no to the birth. Its not happening, he has no legal right and the hospital will just tell him to do one if you don't want him there. You are not obliged to indulge his guilt trips about being the father and he should be there. No he should not. You should be in a supportive environment without stress. This man is a walking stress machine for you. This is not good for the birth process and therefore not good for the baby.

He will be telling gf that you are unreasonable and evil, which is why he was justified in splitting up with his 'crazy' pregnant girlfriend. Why else would a gf in her right mind be saying 'I want to be involved' two weeks into a new relationship? She got to be very young and naive too. He's also got to live somewhere so 'cocklodger' springs to mind here too. So keep that in mind.

Just say, yes I think going through the courts to resolve the matter is probably going to be the best option. Start documenting all correspondence you have with him and gf, but don't tell him this. It may prove useful in future. Make a note about when he started new relationship but don't go into all the background nonsense about who else he has cheated with.

Focus on baby. Make a point of saying you will only engage with him and only where necessary, nothing more. Otherwise courts.

Make a point that over night visits whilst the baby is very young are not up for discussion as they aren't in the interests of the baby.

And go legal. Cos you'll need it for the money if nothing else.

I echo what others say, that give it a few months and he will run for the hills and you won't see him for dust. Especially when he works out that its going to cost him to go to court - its worth calling his bluff for that reason alone. That will be the acid test of whether he is committed to being a father...

@JessesMum777888 no I would deny him parental rights and responsibilities. If he proves himself following the birth by behaving appropriately and respectfully I would give him a chance to be in the baby's life. However, OP needs to protect herself and her daughter from a legal point of view as at the present time he has not prioritised either one of them.
By not having a father on the birth certificate it does not prevent the father from being a father to the child if he is willing and able to behave as a parent should.

My screen shifted and I clicked on YABU by accident. Sorry.

Even if you are not breastfeeding or have to stop no one else needs to know.

That word may help kill off requests, assumptions etc etc.

You don’t know her from Eve. Flip the role - if this was a man contacting you, saying he wants your newborn daughter at his when you’ve never even met him - what would you say? No, for now, ignore her completely. Enjoy your pregnancy. Focus on your baby. He can come fo
yours and meet the baby or have supervised access but no overnight visits to theirs until YOU are comfortable with it. The OW is downright cheeky for asking you!

Holy shit, poor you. No advice, just amazed what an asshole he is.

First of all it is massively inappropriate for his gf to be contacting you. I would really saying g that you will deal directly with ExBf then block - you do not need the hassle of a stranger right now

• I wouldn't have Ex at the birth. Hes proved to be flakey and what will he add to your experience? Because you are the only one who matters right now.

He also doesn't get to come to hospital appointments unless you are 100% happy for him to. If he does you can ask him to leave the room during any examination or intimate procedure.

• you get to choose the baby's name, forename & surname. Give the baby your surname.

• the father can have access to the baby but no overnight stays until its at least one. No taking it away from you for the first 3 months.

• prepare to be single parent with no input from your Ex

• I bet a) this relationship won't last long b) the reality of looking after a child v the image will put the gf off

Good luck to you & your baby.
Do not let your ex bully you into doing anything you are not comfortable with.
Surround yourself with family & friends who will support you & listen to their advice

Take charge of the birth certificate process and get this done soon.

There is a lot of advice one here about it - some conflicting.

Seek proper advice about adding his name, surname etc.

What you definitely don’t want is him sorting out the birth certificate.

Are his parents involved?

I'm shocked by some of the responses on here! Advising OP to breastfeed just to help her refuse access, nothing to do with whether that's best for her or the baby, all about denying the father.

Refusing access to the father is weaponising the child. You have no concerns about the father other than he left a romantic relationship with you. It seems as though you are punishing him for breaking your heart which is understandable but not fair. This man is the father to the child and should not have their parental responsibility blocked simply because they left that relationship.

You were in a relationship with him for 8 years, I assume you would have no issue with him seeing the baby if you were still in a relationship.

It actually isn't difficult to apply to court for parental responsibility, he only needs to prove he's the father, not that he's father of the year.

I'd understand more of the responses on here if there was genuine danger to the baby i.e previous history of abuse, addiction etc but none of that is relevant. This is exactly the kind of thing that father's rights charities campaign against!

Obviously block out the girlfriend, she has no legal rights over the child and is probably a child herself. Obviously don't have him at the birth if that isn't the best thing for you. But don't forget that one day this child will be an adult and they will know all about what happens next, don't give your ex the satisfaction of telling them how hard you tried to keep him away.

OP, I've been a single parent since day 5 of my child's birth. My DC's father is not on the birth certificate and I am glad for this. When I go abroad, I can take my DC with ease--sometimes I get asked if I have a letter from DC's father. I whip out the birth certificate to show there is none listed, no issues after. I don't need his signature for a passport or other paperwork either. And I'm very pleased she has my surname and so is she.
Can you imagine what it is like for a child to have the same name as the father then the father disappears from their life? (I have encountered this in real life)

My DC is aware her father is not on the BC. She is not affected by this. She know's who her (very absentee) father is and she knows I will contact him if she wants me to. So far she has not.

Your child can still have a relationship with the father-he need not be on the BC. However, my advice to you would be if he shows he is flaky early on (does not turn up to visits), cut him off. An 'in and out' parent who continually disappoints DC is far worse than a fully absent father, IME.

I would recommend not putting him on the BC. You can still make a claim for maintenance.

No way I'd have him at the birth. He forfeited that privilege; and trust me, during labour the very last thing you'll want is stress , manipulation and demands from a birthing partner who treats you like dirt.

Ignore the magnanimous offer to be a NEW DAD, it's all talk, never going to happen. I very much doubt the new amour even knows she's been volunteered to care for a crying hungry newborn overnight. This is just another example of how he uses and abuses women and has absolutely NO regard for anyone elses feelings ( especially the baby).

God no don't have him at the birth. That's for you not him.

Absolutely disagree with everything here.

If he was a responsible father, he wouldn't of let his latest girlfriend message OP would he? He would put his new gf in her place - out of the way!

If he was a responsible father, he wouldn't of lied to the op multiple times. He wouldn't of moved in with a woman only WEEKS after leaving op because he would realise he more important things going on on his life - his unborn child.

What he has to do now is prove himself as a father. Op has every right to protect her child from this 'man'. If he's going to be a good father and prioritise the child then he will and he will do it properly.

Sometimes these things need to be tested for the benefit of the child. He needs to prove himself. If he does and he does things sensibly and correctly then fair play to him.....though I doubt very much that he will and op where his priorities lay.

If he refuses he'll be assumed to be the father. How do I know because I've been there.

Re not naming on the birth certificate it doesn't prevent a child knowing who their father is, mine knows full well, even has a full relationship with his extended family however since he himself is absent him not being on the birth certificate means I can carry on with our lives, we can go abroad, I can make all decisions etc. A lot of people just do not realise what a big thing parental responsibility is and having the fathers name on the birth certificate gives him parental responsibility.

What a prince among men! And you his handmaiden.

Dear me.

You get to choose about the birth.
Other than that he must be able to see his child but you get a say in how that works but FFS grow some self-esteem and let this make the decisions for you.

Just to clarify. He cannot sort the BC. Only the mother can register and he can only be added if he is at the registration appointment unless you are married. Again, I would recommend not inviting him to it.

As for the birth, you will be at your most vulnerable. Tell him to fuck off if he wants to be there. Take someone you love and trust (if you are able to).

For me, I would be thinking about the safety of my baby.

There is a young woman (going by previous posts), who is already saying she is going to love and care for the OPs baby. That in itself is an incredibly naive and ridiculous thing to say. And it says to me that she thinks it’s all fun and roses with a baby and she basically wants to play dollies.

So what happens when that baby won’t stop screaming one night? When she realises that babies are fucking hard work? When she shouts at OPs ex about how hard it is, when her is obviously expecting her to do a huge part in the care (or he wouldn’t have let her get involved).

He hasn’t known her for long.

Anything could happen. There is no way on earth I would be handing over my baby in those circumstances as I wouldn’t be able to trust ex’s new partner to cope with the stress of a new baby.

@bettyfreddy OP doesn't have to prove herself as a mother to enjoy her parental responsibility so why should the father have to when he poses no danger to the child?

The birth is about you. If you don't want him there then don't have him. I'd cut all contact until after the birth. No one is going to give him overnight contact of a baby. Offer HIM a visit at your house every other day for 2 hours for the first 3 months so he can bond. Dont allow him in if he turns up with the girlfriend. Make sure it's a set time and not willy nilly. If he wants to go to court let him. As the to set a contact schedule that they feel is in the best interest of the child.

This is crazy. Do not let this awful man and his naive girlfriend play mummy and daddy with your baby.

I strongly suggest you breastfeed. That will prevent overnights for at least the first year.

Also make sure baby has your name. Don't put him on birth certificate. Claim via CMS as soon as baby is here.

You're in control here.

Probably not practical, but I would put as much physical distance between you and him asap. If you have family elsewhere in the country, pack your bag and move. You are not obliged to tell him when you go into labour or immediate after the baby is born. You need to get breastfeeding established and settle into your new routine. Newborns don't need anyone other than their primary carer. That's you. Make sure you baby has your surname.