To call the police as DS isn't home

[KilianAmarien]

DS is 12 and is adopted and has ASD. He went out this morning at about 11am and is still out, he only took his pocket money which is about £10. He messaged me at about 5 and told me to stop calling him and I can't make him come home and he's staying at a friends.

This is his 2nd time doing it, I don't know this friend, he was excluded from school and is currently at a PRU, and has always struggled to make friends.

I just don't understand why he's done this as since being at the PRU his behaviour has gotten better there and at home.

I'm worried about where he is etc, we adopted him and his sister when they were 4&5.

He is currently being seeing by cahms for his behaviour and he does suffer with anxiety, mainly about me leaving him as we are very close. I messaged DD to see if DS has mentioned any friends to her and she said no.

I just want him home. Will I be overreacting to call the police? ExH says I would be although I'm not sure if he's biased as hes also blamed me as DS has never done this with him, although according to DD he is constantly saying he wants to come home whilst there and he misses me etc.

I'm so glad he is home safe with you OP, it must have been a terrifying few hours.

You have had all sorts of useful information on your relationship with your DS, so I have nothing to add there, but would agree with PPs that popping a tracker on his phone would make evenings like the one you've just had, a little less stressful. I pay my 2 teenage DD's phone bills and the only condition is that they use Life360, so we can see where we all are. DDs also say they like knowing where I am, and find it reassuring (for now, at least!).

I hope things improve for your boy, you sound like a lovely Mum.

This is horrendous advice! Running away like this is an extreme reaction for any kid, let alone one with the things this kid is dealing with. He needs love and support here.

I think going to his dad's is too much for him, if I'm being honest. If he has ASD and he's adopted, there's a double-whammy there of being able to cope with change/generalising emotions/attachment issues. I think this is something you should explore with your social worker's support - standard access just might not be right for him.

And without wanting to kick you when you've been through a tough experience, the poster who said 'why are you listening to your Ex' is right you know. It happened on your watch, you have to have the confidence to listen to your own instincts.

I’m so glad he’s home.
you sound like such a lovely mum x

Yes. Parents need to understand the damage that is done. And it isn't hard to cope with a perceived 'difficult' child for a couple of hours and the difference it can make to them is huge

Not trying to scare you but Having worked with students who have been in PRU before, he likely is seeing and hearing things that are very upsetting. I worked with a girl who had been in a PRU, and some of the stuff she told me that goes on was horrific.
If he is a sensitive lad he likely is very nervous and anxious about what his hearing/seeing. Also the older students are known to seek out the younger students especially the vulnerable.

He might be finding it hard to express all that's happening in his head. I always encourage my students to write things down. It is sometimes easier that way.
I'm glad he is home and hope he is ok.

I'm really glad he's home. I used to run away at that age.
He's 12. Does he have to go to his dad's house? It sounds like he's terribly unhappy there. I think he's old enough to decide not to go.
You mentioned getting a divorce 2 years ago. That really isn't a long time and that even may contribute to his fears of abandonment.

PPs suggestions about putting a tracking software on his phone is good.

Has anyone ever taught him how to make friends? I'm ND and I needed a lot of help with that. Usually people watch and model others but when you're ND, you don't necessarily pick up the cues like NT people do. Role play helps a lot.

These 2 books are highly recommended too!

Social Skills Activities for Kids: 50 Fun Exercises for Making Friends, Talking and Listening, and Understanding Social Rules

How to Make & Keep Friends: Tips for Kids to Overcome 50 Common Social Challenges

@DaughterofZion I am not saying she should ignore where he went or who he was with, I just said that punishing him was not the answer. Of course she should speak to him and ask these questions but in a compassionate way rather than trying to punish him for what he did.

Please listen to him and don’t send him to dads if he doesn’t want to go.
if he wants he can go for the day or few hours
Hope you are both having a good day today .

This

i hate to say this but he could have been abused

life 360 app

if he is 30 minutes late without a location text you phone the police - he knows this and therefore knows he is safe

Very naive question here:

Wouldn’t ‘how to remove a tracker app’ be basic trade craft amongst many kids involved in CCE, or amongst kids in a PRU mixing with those who have more hard bitten experiences?

You have low emotional intelligence if you can’t see how being adopted would have a significant impact on the child’s background, mental health, self esteem and possible trauma. We are not taking a jab at him or saying he’s “not a proper child”. Historically adopted and foster children run away a LOT. So therefore it is extremely significant. Sometimes because they are trying to go home. Or sometimes because they don’t feel like they are home.

Kids can try to remove tracker apps but you get a notification if they do, at least my app does...

I hate to be that person but echoing my earlier post and others - PRU is not a place for autistic children. DS was in one much younger and it did irreversible damage to his mental health. If he doesn’t have an ehcp he needs one, if he does then he needs a review for an appropriate school, possibly updating with new assessments first. LA would much rather him be in there as it’s cheaper - most children like them end up in expensive private school. He will make friends if he’s with peers similar to himself. He will not be aggressive at the moment as he isn’t under the stress of mainstream high school and it’s showing you that he doesn’t need to be in a school for aggressive children - just the right environment.

Agreed. Autistic children have to cope with so much. My child is constantly bullied and excluded from friendship groups, and having friends is their number one wish. It’s heartbreaking.

@KilianAmarien not being invited to parties is hard, ND or not. As a very young child, I remember in school, for the first 2 years, I got 0 Christmas cards. My SM used to ask me where they were and treat me like a liar. Her treatment of me is neither here nor there for the purposes of this thread.

Anyway, come the third Christmas, my teacher said that the Head needed me in his office - back then you got sent to the Head for caning! On arrival, he said that he had forgotten to give me my swimming certificate and that he was very proud that I would be representing my county in swimming (shows how old I am, my county doesn’t exist and is a London borough now!)

When I got back to the class, there was a stack of Christmas cards on my desk! I was so happy, because the previous day, all the cards had been handed out and I didn’t get any.

Of course, with hindsight, it was the teacher who clearly went and bought the cards and got everyone to fill them out. I think there were 2 things involved with the no cards - I was the only non-white child in the school and I had a (ethnic) name that is so rare, literally no one else on FB even has it!

People don’t realise how little cuts, make great big whopping wounds when they are sliced open again and again. Luckily your kids have a fierce momma bear in their corner and that means a lot! This won’t be the first time DS does something so frightening, or the last. But when he gets older, he really will appreciate having you in his corner!

Is it possible for you to invite other kids to your house, maybe even with the parents, so they can see that DS isn’t a handful and is actually, quite a warm person? Would DS be open to that?