Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call the police as DS isn't home

166 replies

KilianAmarien · 28/10/2022 21:14

DS is 12 and is adopted and has ASD. He went out this morning at about 11am and is still out, he only took his pocket money which is about £10. He messaged me at about 5 and told me to stop calling him and I can't make him come home and he's staying at a friends.

This is his 2nd time doing it, I don't know this friend, he was excluded from school and is currently at a PRU, and has always struggled to make friends.

I just don't understand why he's done this as since being at the PRU his behaviour has gotten better there and at home.

I'm worried about where he is etc, we adopted him and his sister when they were 4&5.

He is currently being seeing by cahms for his behaviour and he does suffer with anxiety, mainly about me leaving him as we are very close. I messaged DD to see if DS has mentioned any friends to her and she said no.

I just want him home. Will I be overreacting to call the police? ExH says I would be although I'm not sure if he's biased as hes also blamed me as DS has never done this with him, although according to DD he is constantly saying he wants to come home whilst there and he misses me etc.

OP posts:
Lisad1231981 · 28/10/2022 22:44

Really hope he comes home soon

TotteringByGenteeley · 28/10/2022 22:47

IWishICouldDance · 28/10/2022 22:19

Seems he needs some boundaries in place, maybe grounding and removing his phone, he can't just waste police time playing silly beggers difficult start or not. Why on earth would you reward this behaviour with a nice day out?

Seems like some adults need boundaries in place, like not spouting useless parenting advice about matters on which they obviously have no knowledge whatsoever.

RedHelenB · 28/10/2022 22:48

Could he be with birth family?

Annierob · 28/10/2022 23:02

if you don’t know where he is then you must call the police. He’s only 12 and vulnerable to things like criminal exploitation.

Relevanceiskey · 28/10/2022 23:05

Singleandproud · 28/10/2022 21:22

He is a vulnerable child: ASD, MH difficulties and adopted. He is perfect bait for County Lines recruitment mention the above to the police when you call.

I was thinking the exact same thing. It's rife at the moment too.

Hollyhead · 28/10/2022 23:09

Hope he’s home soon OP, you did the right thing and sound like a lovely mum.

CornishTiger · 28/10/2022 23:09

Relevanceiskey · 28/10/2022 23:05

I was thinking the exact same thing. It's rife at the moment too.

Show quote history

And in a PRU.

Honestly it’s awful but true.

Relevanceiskey · 28/10/2022 23:14

CornishTiger · 28/10/2022 23:09

And in a PRU.

Honestly it’s awful but true.

Show quote history

Unfortunately they know exactly who to go for...vulnerable children looking for a social support system.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 28/10/2022 23:14

I hope he's back with you very soon

excelledyourself · 28/10/2022 23:17

I really hope he's home soon, OP. And that things get better for you both.

oakleaffy · 28/10/2022 23:33

kitcat15 · 28/10/2022 21:18

Of what significance is it that he is adopted?

Adoption means a child experienced profound loss at some stage off their life.
It can have a huge impact on later behaviours and 'Attachment'.

@KilianAmarien

Hope you find your son safe and well.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 28/10/2022 23:36

I hope he turns up safely very soon OP. You sound very loving x

MadeForThis · 28/10/2022 23:39

Hope he's ok and you hear from him soon xx

oakleaffy · 28/10/2022 23:41

Relevanceiskey · 28/10/2022 23:14

Unfortunately they know exactly who to go for...vulnerable children looking for a social support system.

Show quote history

Neighbours years ago used to foster troubled teens.
They said targeting was awful. Girls in those days.
Men outside schools in fancy cars.
Not good.

oakleaffy · 28/10/2022 23:47

@KilianAmarien My friend adopted a DC at 4yrs old.
The attachment problems the poor child suffered were massive.
The damage wrought in their early years is often immense.

Friend's DC is grown up now, but still is haunted by their past, despite loads of ''Help'' and therapy.

If only every child had a stable, loving home from the word go. Well done for adopting two siblings.
It will be far from 'Easy' for any of you.

jayho · 28/10/2022 23:47

call 999, they will respond, he's vulnerable but your local police will know where kids hang out

jayho · 28/10/2022 23:51

when they find him, ask to go along to collect, police will be amenable. Keep it as low key as possible.

Letthekidsplay · 28/10/2022 23:55

Thinking of you and your family I really hope he’s home soon.

RosyappleA · 28/10/2022 23:58

You do sound like a lovely mum and I hope you are all okay after this and it never happens again.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 28/10/2022 23:58

I'm with you in spirit OP. The waiting is terrible. One of my (fostered) girls used to do this. She panicked at any time when she felt happy and settled. (e.g. Boxing day - after a lovely happy Christmas day where she first properly hugged me). CAMs were helping us understand but it was scary. She had no idea of danger at all.

I could usually get a reply - so long as I chatted (nothing 'heavy'). I could get her to repond on something like the goldfish looking hungry and other silly things.

The police were usually great.

(Only once did they refer to her -at 13- as 'streetwise' and so less of a concern. I explained how very much younger than 13 she was in her head and they did listen. )

LadyWithLapdog · 28/10/2022 23:59

I hope he’s safe and home with you. What a worrying time for your family. He’s young and immature.

Cw112 · 29/10/2022 00:10

Hope you get him back safe and sound op, you absolutely did the right thing phoning the police and I think it was the right response to say he's not in trouble and get some time together arranged. Do you have anyone that can come wait with you for news I'm sure you're past yourself with worry.

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2022 00:15

Hope he gets back safe and well.

Original poster
KilianAmarien · 29/10/2022 00:17

Thanks for your replies everyone, he is back now. He came back on his own, he wouldn't say where he was and got very upset and was asking me not to leave him etc which I reassured him I won't and I love him

OP posts:
AuntieDickhead · 29/10/2022 00:18

I'm glad he's home safely. You must be so relieved!