To call the police as DS isn't home

[KilianAmarien]

DS is 12 and is adopted and has ASD. He went out this morning at about 11am and is still out, he only took his pocket money which is about £10. He messaged me at about 5 and told me to stop calling him and I can't make him come home and he's staying at a friends.

This is his 2nd time doing it, I don't know this friend, he was excluded from school and is currently at a PRU, and has always struggled to make friends.

I just don't understand why he's done this as since being at the PRU his behaviour has gotten better there and at home.

I'm worried about where he is etc, we adopted him and his sister when they were 4&5.

He is currently being seeing by cahms for his behaviour and he does suffer with anxiety, mainly about me leaving him as we are very close. I messaged DD to see if DS has mentioned any friends to her and she said no.

I just want him home. Will I be overreacting to call the police? ExH says I would be although I'm not sure if he's biased as hes also blamed me as DS has never done this with him, although according to DD he is constantly saying he wants to come home whilst there and he misses me etc.

My heart just broke when u said he never had a party invite in his school years.

Massive unmumset hug

Thank god he's home xxx

How is he today, OP?

You must be so relieved, I hope he’s ok.

Just to touch on the friends, parties, PRU situation but have you considered an ASD specific school for children similar to himself with MH issues? They’re often private and take a fight and lots of evidence but PRU is (normally, I’m sure there are good ones) not generally the best environment and he’ll be with children with different needs to himself. He sounds like he just wants to be loved and cared for and not like a child with purely SEMH related behaviours.

So pleased for you. Sleep well. You’re probably still shaken. I went to the police for one of mine years ago (when we still had a police station nearby). Awful few hours :(

Actually evidence now shows that it doesn't matter at what age a child is adopted . Even for babies taken at birth the body remembers even if the child has no memory of it.
Many babies who are adopted will have had in utero trauma ie mum having high cortisol levels etc , or experiencing DV or drugs/alcohol misuse.
Also being removed from the BM, their only source of contact prebirth, can cause issues.

Pleased his home. Maybe in the morning have a chat about its you job to keep him safe etc and to do that he needs to tell you where he was. If he can't used his words can he draw or write it. might be useful information if he goes missing again.
One of mine liked to run away and I got him to run away to my brother's on the other side of town.this met his need to escape but I knew he was safe. He would spend night there than return in am. Is there somewhere he could run too

I'm glad he's home. If you aren't already aware of County Lines please look it up in the morning, there are several awareness videos on YouTube.
We are specifically trained at school to be aware that children like your son are very vulnerable to being taken advantage of.

It starts with a new friend. The friend often has posh gadgets, asks if the vulnerable person would like them to, all they have to do is take this little package to X house. On the way to X house they get 'mugged', the package was drugs. Its OK though, they now owe the drug dealer but they canpay it back by delivering more packages to X, Y and Z. If they tell anyone though they (or their family) will get hurt. After a while, once they pay off their debt they start to be given trinkets, a new phone here, jewelry, air pods whatever there. Then they might be asked to recruit someone.

It's absolutely terrifying and affects the biggest cities, quietest rural village and sleepiest seaside town. Almost every school, even in naice areas are affected, with huge increases in teens carrying knives and using them.

Hi. Adoptive mum here. Ring the police and make sure they don't put it on any social media if you need to protect his location privacy. They will definitely help you, he is vulnerable

He's home. So glad to hear this .
OP I strongly recommend you install Life 360 on his phone. Lock it with App Lock, so he can't disable it.
Also, you may wish to consider something called MSpy. It's enabled us to prevent a few incidents. Well worth the cost ! www.mspy.co.uk

I’m just reading through this thread, having a massive anxiety attack!

I’m so, so, so, glad he’s home. Use the suggestions about the find the phone apps. I’m sure there’s a way to track people through Snapchat as well. I’ll have to ask my kids when they get home - it’s well into Saturday morning here.

My own son, on the spectrum, disappeared one night, he was 16, I called the police, they said they’d put out a bulletin over the radio. I had no clue where he was, just that he was meeting a “friend” off the internet. This was back when not many people had a clue about internet grooming. I’m sure you’ll all know how the story ended. Sadly my next son down, who was very close to him, started spiralling out of control and we (my DH and I) tried every single thing that we could think of. You probably know how that story ended.

Please, please, if your child goes missing, at any age, and you’re concerned, call 999.

If you feel the police aren’t taking you seriously, take down the name and badge number of you spoke too and then call the station directly and ask to speak to the desk sergeant. Or, even better, go down to the station. Over here, the police stations are manned 24/7 and although you have to ring a bell, you can just go down and speak to someone, face to face. Not sure if you can do that in the UK? You used to be able too, but things change.

Details like CAHMS involvement, neurodiverse issues, adoption, etc., are all relevant and should be given at the time of the initial contact! And call immediately that you’re concerned.

Better for the police to find your kid and tell them off when they bring them home, than for parents to sit there, worrying, with imaginations going into overdrive.

P.S @KilianAmarien Your exH sounds like an extremely difficult person to get on with, especially where the kids are concerned! I feel so sorry for your little guy; I wonder how the divorce and being forced (in his eyes) to be away from you, makes him feel. It’s absolutely disgusting that his father keeps him crying - does exH even call you when this happens? So you can talk to your son, or would this make him worse?

Poor kid. Life is rough at this age. Hear is hoping he finds his tribe eventually and learns to love and accept himself. Keep him close momma.

Following this thread and wanted to say thank god he's home too.

All the talk of County Lines terrifies me. The school sent out something recently about it. We're in a rural village and every now and then a strange flash car will cruise by. I get so worried when DS is out playing somewhere with his friends. It makes everyone so paranoid. I know the 70s/80s weren't perfect but it wasn't anywhere as bad as it is now..

Disagree. He’s her child, adopted, biological, fostered, step… jeez. Totally offensive to throw it in every half sentence as if he’s not a “proper” child.

Actually, taken as a proportion of the population, crimes against children have remained the same. I think we are more aware of it, because it’s so “in your face” so to speak.

I don’t know what the County Lines is, it wasn’t a thing when I lived in the UK, but reading the thread, I get the general gist of it. Yes another thing for parents to worry about, as it wasn’t bad enough with all the grooming! I’m so glad we came here. Crime against people (and children) is not a daily or even weekly occurrence so when something happens, it’s so shocking.

THIS!
needs to know it’s not acceptable behaviour so he doesn’t do it again.

I am so glad your ds is home safe and well. My dd has adopted friends and it is apparently common for adopted teens to start questioning their lives and need a lot of help to process the trauma. I imagine the waiting list for specialist counselling is also long where you live and I hope you can access the help and support he and his dsis need. I am sure you just want to give your lovely boy a big hug now he is home. Bless him.

And please ignore the he needs severe punishments posts. He’s sounds traumatised with abandonment issues.

I’m glad he’s home.

However what has happened for him to get upset about you maybe leaving him? Has he been with people that have implied something bad might happen if you knew something. Keep a close eye on your friend and his associates.

Saying a child is adopted is not saying he isn't their 'proper' child. It is giving context behind behaviour. A child's past doesn't miraculously go away the moment an adoption order is signed.
Are you an adoptive parent? Your comments sound like you are trying to be right on, pontificating on behalf of something you actually know nothing about.

It is very relevant especially seems as he and his sister were adopted a bit later on when chances are they were removed from their birth families who may know their names and what they look like as most 5 yo are recognisable at 12. I have a DS who is my SS (doesn't see him BM or family simce 4 and now 11 - also with ASD and I am his mum) however in this situation I would make it known as he has a whole other side to a family out there that potentially could have found him some way and either messaged him to convince him to meet or taken him. He is as much my child as my biological one and many people in RL don't know he isn't but in this case I would explain he isn't.

There should be a return home interview with Police and Social services -I bet they don’t do it.

Do you have support of social care?

Totally disagree with both of you. He is a child with a trauma background and attachment issues and also has ASD. Why on earth would you punish him rather than try and understand his feelings and find a plan to help him cope safely.

Glad he is home OP.

I agree but that’s not what she’s doing. She mentioned it in the context of some things which make her child who he is.

The OPs final post is a perfect example of why being adopted is relevant to this thread.

Absolutely not!!! Punishment is not what this child needs. That’s how vulnerable children end up in even worse situations.

So glad he is home.