To call the police as DS isn't home

[KilianAmarien]

DS is 12 and is adopted and has ASD. He went out this morning at about 11am and is still out, he only took his pocket money which is about £10. He messaged me at about 5 and told me to stop calling him and I can't make him come home and he's staying at a friends.

This is his 2nd time doing it, I don't know this friend, he was excluded from school and is currently at a PRU, and has always struggled to make friends.

I just don't understand why he's done this as since being at the PRU his behaviour has gotten better there and at home.

I'm worried about where he is etc, we adopted him and his sister when they were 4&5.

He is currently being seeing by cahms for his behaviour and he does suffer with anxiety, mainly about me leaving him as we are very close. I messaged DD to see if DS has mentioned any friends to her and she said no.

I just want him home. Will I be overreacting to call the police? ExH says I would be although I'm not sure if he's biased as hes also blamed me as DS has never done this with him, although according to DD he is constantly saying he wants to come home whilst there and he misses me etc.

My son would panic that I was leaving him if I put the washing out without telling him first and he couldn’t see me in the house. Attachment is a scary thing for some kids who are adopted.

Glad he’s home. Sounds like he’s feeling insecure - I hope you’ve both managed to get some rest and can have a peaceful weekend together xx

So many “experts” on this thread who seem to know nothing about parenting a child in a trauma informed way! Added to which the child is ND and was adopted at an older age (5) so probably remembers that feeling of change and suddenly not having your security circle around you.

It feels like there’s a lot going on with this poor kid, and punishment is not and should never be the way forward with ND kids, simply because they may not understand and when talking with traumatised children, you should never ever make them feel blamed for something.

I’m so glad he is home. My heart is breaking reading message. There is such a lack of help for children who have been adopted from care.

This , he should just be called your son . Hope he is back home safe & sound now .

Read the rest of the thread to find out why, in this context, it’s relevant.

Those of you moaning that she mentioned her son is adopted: I'm going to guess you're not adoptive parents.
My adopted kids are no differently loved than my birth kids but sometimes the fact they are adopted becomes relevant when trying to understand their behaviour and therefore where they might have gone when overwhelmed. Adoption is not a magic wand, the trauma our children have experienced doesn't suddenly go away.

@Smallonesaremorejuicy I'm sure the Op doesn't refer to him as her adopted son normally. However, that information was directly relevant to her situation. It added a level of vulnerability to her child on top of the PRU, MH issues and ASD. Behaving as he is is common in children who have experienced trauma, no matter how loving and kind OP is she will not be able to undo the trauma caused during his early years and adoption and he will remain vulnerable in someways. This puts him at risk of certain things if he decides to runs away from home - another common trait in adopted and Looked After children.

I would think his experiences prior to adoption might be significant so it is relevant.

I'm massively reassured on this thread by the sensible folks understanding the context - multifaceted increased risk to children with ASD and possible childhood trauma versus the people who don't understand a) why adoption is relevant here and b) why in todays world the concern isn't just firm boundaries - it's the very real and present threat of grooming- ie County Lines or similiar.

Mum to a son with ASD here and my husband is a specialist SEMH teacher with first hand experience of children being recruited into County Lines gangs during his time at a Brighton PRU.

Big hugs OP - I totally agree with the poster who recommended phone tracking, but I also recommend watching some of the videos around county lines activity on YouTube with him too.

He is obviously concerned by something.

Very glad he is home OP.

Massively unhelpful for your Ex to be blaming you.

How long have you been separated? Of course he is worried that people go from his life, having been adopted at 5 and then seeing his Dad go.

I would listen carefully to your DD’s accounts of how distressed he is when away from you. Could he do day visits only, while he is feeling so afraid?

Oh bless him I hope you can get to the bottom of what's going on.

He's young and vulnarable and has gone missing twice now without explanation. I think you should consider putting a tracker on his phone for his own safety. Poor kid.

He's more vulnerable. Typically adopted children, especially adopted later on, aged 4 or 5 will have had a very unstable background leading to attachment issues (eg befriending people who are no good for them) And the OP hasn't raised her child from birth so a huge part if his history is unknown to her. It would be a huge extra concern if he were my child.

Maybe, she understands her son's needs? 🤔

Just read your update OP- so pleased. You sound like a fab mum.

So glad he's home, ignore the 'punishment fixes attachment and trauma' people.

Are you getting any support through post-adoption? DD is about to have a specialist assessment of need funded by the ASF, to be followed by whatever therapeutic support is then recommmended.

PS you might find it useful to post on the Adoption board

I’m so very glad your son is home and safe. I would be very worried about where he has been, he sounds very vulnerable. It also sounds like you are doing a great job with little support.

Im assuming he has a mobile phone, are you able to check it to see who he is talking to?

So glad he’s home OP. I’m not expert but I imagine on top of everything else your split with ExH has caused him additional trauma especially if he cries when he goes to his Dad’s house. I’m not sure of a solution but it’s like your DS just wants or needs you at the moment. Is this something to talk to ExH about?

Glad he's home. It does sound like he was testing your love and commitment to him due to the trauma of his early years, which have a huge impact on us

Yes, good point

Oh and if he has an android phone you can go into Google maps and see the history of where you've been. That might be worth doing to see where he has been hanging out and make a note of those places incase it happens again.

Glad he's back OP - I would be concerned though at the sudden appearance of these new "friends" encouraging him to push away from you combined with his vulnerabilities from ASD and previous trauma in childhood though - he's a pretty strong target for exploitation.

I wonder if you could set some kind of code phrase he can use if he's in a situation where he's calling or texting you and people are watching - "can you feed my cat for me" or something type thing?

DS seems a bit better today. To answer a few questions, DS was in mainstream school at primary and got on ok although he was in a small group. He then went to mainstream secondary school and he hated it, and would get excluded constantly for being aggressive etc which then led to him being permanently excluded. He's been at the PRU since about may and he does seem happy going there and he's not aggressive.

Me and exH split 2 years ago, he has always said he doesn't like going to his house but ex has always told me DS is fine when he's there and has a good time, which I believed. But DD has told me the opposite that he regularly cries, which I didn't know anything about.

DS has always wanted me and would get upset at me leaving him places (school etc especially if it was the first day of a new term) but it's gotten worse since me and exH has split up. I did suggest only going for a day but ex refused as DS was ‘fine’ when he got there.