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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To call the police as DS isn't home

166 replies

KilianAmarien · 28/10/2022 21:14

DS is 12 and is adopted and has ASD. He went out this morning at about 11am and is still out, he only took his pocket money which is about £10. He messaged me at about 5 and told me to stop calling him and I can't make him come home and he's staying at a friends.

This is his 2nd time doing it, I don't know this friend, he was excluded from school and is currently at a PRU, and has always struggled to make friends.

I just don't understand why he's done this as since being at the PRU his behaviour has gotten better there and at home.

I'm worried about where he is etc, we adopted him and his sister when they were 4&5.

He is currently being seeing by cahms for his behaviour and he does suffer with anxiety, mainly about me leaving him as we are very close. I messaged DD to see if DS has mentioned any friends to her and she said no.

I just want him home. Will I be overreacting to call the police? ExH says I would be although I'm not sure if he's biased as hes also blamed me as DS has never done this with him, although according to DD he is constantly saying he wants to come home whilst there and he misses me etc.

OP posts:
KilianAmarien · 29/10/2022 10:36

Also, I do check his phone but he doesn't have social media and only has mine, DD’s and ex’s number. He mainly plays games on it (not online though).

OP posts:
TheSausageKingofChicago · 29/10/2022 10:40

Has he given any indication of where he’s been? I understand you wanting to tread carefully with him as he is vulnerable but it’s also important that he keeps you informed for his safety.
Does he know you reported him missing and the potential consequences? He needs a lot of love, but he will also need to understand the consequences - if anything your concern should bring him a bit more security if handled in a non-confrontational way

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/10/2022 10:50

TheSilentPicnic · 29/10/2022 06:48

Disagree. He’s her child, adopted, biological, fostered, step… jeez. Totally offensive to throw it in every half sentence as if he’s not a “proper” child.

It could be extremely relevant - I worked at a very poor school (it closed in the end) and the bullying was both horrific and very specifically targeted at the children's vulnerabilities. Examples directed at different children included;

Oh, it's Mother's Day soon. Fred can't do anything for his Mum since he killed her being born.

What you getting your Mum for Christmas? I know, a big bag of smack.

They'll send you back to a home the same way your real parents didn't want you.

Was your real Mum a whore? Was that why they took you away from her? Or was it 'cos your Dad was a paedo?

Nobody loves you, your Mum didn't want you, your 'Dad' doesn't want you, she'll get rid of you next.

Bet your Mum wished she'd had an abortion when she saw you. That's why she gave you away.

Are children's homes like Battersea? Living in a cage where people come and look at you to choose one? (from another kid 'they should have picked a puppy instead')

You got abandoned because you're weird/a freak/creepy.

No wonder your Mum didn't want you.

Did they keep the kids they wanted and got rid of you, like the pick of the litter?

(school lesson on Frankenstein - 'Bet that's how Fred's Mum felt when she saw him')

And then there's the vulnerabilities for manipulation and lies, rather than outright abuse - 'it's hard when you're all alone in the world, we can be your family, not those people who bought you like a toy'.

He could also see breakdown in adoptions with other children and fear it happening to him - it's very common.

We jumped on any adoption/LAC/bereavement related abuse like a ton of bricks. But barring reintroduction of a Scold's Bridle for the kids who do this - and you have to bear in mind that some also come from awful circumstances so they're using their own fears and adverse experiences as a weapon against others - the damage is already done by the time the words come out.

The other potential issue could be what is his father saying to him? Could he be saying really hurtful things, blaming him for the divorce, suggesting that if he doesn't 'sort himself out', you won't be there for him, threatening to put him back into care, saying that DS owes you both good behaviour because you adopted him and he should be grateful for it? It's horrible to think about, but it is a possibility (I've heard awful things from adopted parents, too).

Being an adolescent is hard. Being an adolescent with SEND is hard. Being an adolescent with SEND and a knowledge/fear that fundamentally, you aren't loveable because the person who is supposed to love you rejected you, didn't care for or protect you and either decided to give you up or had you taken away from them is really, really hard because it bites to the core of your existence.

That's why adoption is very relevant and not rejecting him to acknowledge it.

Whatkatyforgottodo · 29/10/2022 10:52

So glad he’s home. You sound like a fantastic mum dealing with a child who has been through a lot of trauma and your idiot of an ex is not helping! It sounds like his issues at secondary were to do with his ASD and although he is better at the PRU I wonder if that is best for him long term? Does he have an EHCP and could that be used to get him into a school for ASD children? Keep doing what you are doing and giving him lots of reassurance. Sending hugs

SnarkyBag · 29/10/2022 10:54

TheSilentPicnic · 29/10/2022 06:48

Disagree. He’s her child, adopted, biological, fostered, step… jeez. Totally offensive to throw it in every half sentence as if he’s not a “proper” child.

Honestly your ignorance is astounding you should stick to threads with much less complex issue dear.

DaughterofZion · 29/10/2022 11:00

Starryskiesinthesky · 29/10/2022 07:37

Totally disagree with both of you. He is a child with a trauma background and attachment issues and also has ASD. Why on earth would you punish him rather than try and understand his feelings and find a plan to help him cope safely.

Glad he is home OP.

Trauma background and ASD does not mean that he is not taught about consequences. She can love and coddle him and still understand that what he’s done is wrong and should be accountable. esp as the mother still does not know where he went, who he was with or anything about his life.
she cannot ignore that.

KatieBell12 · 29/10/2022 11:01

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 29/10/2022 08:05

This , he should just be called your son . Hope he is back home safe & sound now .

Because it gives context particularly around trauma issues. Your PC bollocks is ignoring an important part of this young boys history. It's like saying I don't see colour. Ignorant and dangerous.

lifeturnsonadime · 29/10/2022 11:07

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Excellent post for those who don't understand trauma that adoption brings.

I don't have specific experience of adoption but I do have experience of neurodivergence and trauma parenting. Punishing this child is entirely inappropriate.

OP so glad you have your son home, I hope things get easier for you both. You are doing a great job.

TheSausageKingofChicago · 29/10/2022 11:12

Yep, unfortunately I also have experience of ND and trauma parenting. It’s really tough, especially on your own.
You’ll need a safety plan for if it happens again OP. But today, lots of reassurance for you both.

2bazookas · 29/10/2022 11:14

KilianAmarien · 29/10/2022 00:17

Thanks for your replies everyone, he is back now. He came back on his own, he wouldn't say where he was and got very upset and was asking me not to leave him etc which I reassured him I won't and I love him

Perhaps you could say to him WTE " You're scared about me leaving you. Imagine how terribly scared I was; I thought you had left me and I might never see you again.It's the same feeling, isn't it? "

Choconut · 29/10/2022 11:14

OP it sounds like he is really struggling both with the transition of having to go from 'home' to his dads place (not surprising as he has ASD) and also being away from you while he is there (not surprising he has separation anxiety with being adopted and now with the split to cope with).

I think this set up is really, really bad for him and the overnights at dads need to stop, much better for dad to take him out or if you are amicable enough for dad to come round and spend time at ds's home instead/as well. I think you really both really need to put ds first here and work out how you can handle this split so it's the best it can be for him.

Also I think it's important to be aware that ds may hide his feelings from his dad for all sorts of reasons, and may not want him to know that he is unhappy there (I'm not sure if this is the case of not). So I think you need to tread very carefully with both ds and your ex.

Shallysally · 29/10/2022 11:22

IWishICouldDance · 28/10/2022 22:19

Seems he needs some boundaries in place, maybe grounding and removing his phone, he can't just waste police time playing silly beggers difficult start or not. Why on earth would you reward this behaviour with a nice day out?

Because he needs some sense of security, some time with his Mum who understands that he is struggling.
What he does not need is the feeling of being punished for this and being misunderstood.

Choconut · 29/10/2022 11:22

Also OP I think you need to really talk to him about county lines, what being a good friend means and looks like (and doesn't look like, coercion, bullying, thinking how that person treats other people) and about how scary it was for you when you didn't know where he was. He might struggle to imagine how it was scary for you as an adult unless you tell him and it really might not be obvious to him at all (particularly having ASD).

Shallysally · 29/10/2022 11:23

So glad he is home OP

zingally · 29/10/2022 11:37

Hopefully he's home now.

But you should have absolutely have called the police much sooner. He's a literal CHILD, and a child with SEN, with a proven track record of poor decision making. I hope he, and you, are both okay.

theDudesmummy · 29/10/2022 11:40

A very good app for his phone, which I use, is Famisafe, it is more accurate at showing where the phone is than Google Maps for example. And he cannot turn it off. (It is also a tracker for online activity, a very good one and the only one I have found that allows you to block whole YouTube channels).

KettrickenSmiled · 29/10/2022 12:02

I just want him home. Will I be overreacting to call the police? ExH says I would be
Why are you deferring to your ex-H, & wasting time second-guessing his motivations?

This has happened on YOUR watch, not ex-H's, so it's up to YOU to decide the best course of action.

Your son's defiant "you can't make me come home" text reeks of a child who wants you to do exactly that. Call the police!

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 29/10/2022 12:05

KatieBell12 · 29/10/2022 11:01

Because it gives context particularly around trauma issues. Your PC bollocks is ignoring an important part of this young boys history. It's like saying I don't see colour. Ignorant and dangerous.

I have personal dealings with adoption, so please don’t bother haranguing me .

rmummyofone · 29/10/2022 12:05

Glad he's home ❤️

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 29/10/2022 12:08

So glad he's home safe OP.

Would your ex be co-operative with something like family therapy/mediation? It's clear that the current set-up isn't meeting DS's needs, which will be different to DD's needs. That doesn't mean that ex is doing something wrong (and nor are you), just that this needs careful handling.

Ex may feel a sense of rejection himself when DS is unhappy there, which is why he's plastering "everything is FINE" over the reality of the situation.

If ex won't be co-operative, then you need to centre DS's needs and accept that will upset ex, who is an adult and has the ability to take care of himself.

@NeverDropYourMooncup post was excellent and I wish everyone saying "take his phone away" etc would read it. Children with abandonment issues need very different parenting to those with a secure attachment from birth. That's leaving aside the fact he's ND! This is not your run-of-the-mill teenage strop and need handling differently.

KettrickenSmiled · 29/10/2022 12:10

Apologies OP I failed to see how far your thread had progessed so my last response was a "cancel the cheque!" moment ...

He was at EXHs since Wednesday night and cme home last night, Ex told me they both had a good time etc but DD told me DS was crying when I dropped them off on Wednesday and yesterday he refused to do anything with ex and DD and told them both to leave him alone.

Me and exH split 2 years ago, he has always said he doesn't like going to his house but ex has always told me DS is fine when he's there and has a good time, which I believed. But DD has told me the opposite that he regularly cries, which I didn't know anything about.

Sounds like you need to pay a lot less attention to what your ex husband tells you, & a lot more to your kids.

DS has always wanted me and would get upset at me leaving him places (school etc especially if it was the first day of a new term) but it's gotten worse since me and exH has split up. I did suggest only going for a day but ex refused as DS was ‘fine’ when he got there.

Stop taking your ex-husband's word for things.
DS is clearly still upset about whatever is happening when he stays with his dad.
Maybe talk to both kids about it, ask them what is going on there.
Perhaps DS would do better having some respite from his dad. At least until you can find out what the real issue is.

BlueBar · 29/10/2022 12:28

kitcat15 · 28/10/2022 21:18

Of what significance is it that he is adopted?

It's very very relevant. Even children adopted very young can be adversely affected their entire lives.

BlueBar · 29/10/2022 12:32

I'd talk to the PRU OP. Unfortunately when our children have missing episodes it's almost always gang or CSE/CCE related.

The PRU may well have a better idea of what he's mixed up in than you do or if not will be able to use counselling or mentoring to try and find out and support him.

Idealharpy · 29/10/2022 12:46

Sorry but it's mentioned once in the past and is relevant information here. I'm really struggling to see where you've seen that she doesn't think he's a proper child when she is clearly worried about him. The fact is he is adopted and that doesn't need to be hidden. Some people like it out in the open, it's a part of who they are. It doesn't make them any less their child.

Idealharpy · 29/10/2022 12:48

Sorry but it's mentioned once in the post and is relevant information here. I'm really struggling to see where you've seen that she doesn't think he's a proper child when she is clearly worried about him. The fact is he is adopted and that doesn't need to be hidden. Some people like it out in the open, it's a part of who they are. It doesn't make them any less their child

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