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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call the police as DS isn't home

166 replies

KilianAmarien · 28/10/2022 21:14

DS is 12 and is adopted and has ASD. He went out this morning at about 11am and is still out, he only took his pocket money which is about £10. He messaged me at about 5 and told me to stop calling him and I can't make him come home and he's staying at a friends.

This is his 2nd time doing it, I don't know this friend, he was excluded from school and is currently at a PRU, and has always struggled to make friends.

I just don't understand why he's done this as since being at the PRU his behaviour has gotten better there and at home.

I'm worried about where he is etc, we adopted him and his sister when they were 4&5.

He is currently being seeing by cahms for his behaviour and he does suffer with anxiety, mainly about me leaving him as we are very close. I messaged DD to see if DS has mentioned any friends to her and she said no.

I just want him home. Will I be overreacting to call the police? ExH says I would be although I'm not sure if he's biased as hes also blamed me as DS has never done this with him, although according to DD he is constantly saying he wants to come home whilst there and he misses me etc.

OP posts:
Name99 · 28/10/2022 21:47

Hes a vulnerable 12 Yr old of course you need to ring the police, have you got any idea where he is, have you spoken to the "friends" parents

Scrambledchickens · 28/10/2022 21:47

Hope he is home soon, would definitely give the police a call.and enable. Can you pinpoint his phone’s location? Xx

N4ish · 28/10/2022 21:50

Like a previous poster my first thought was this could be a county lines situation. Please call the police immediately.

Singleandproud · 28/10/2022 21:54

Also when he is back at school contact them and ask to talk to the school police officer or relay his refusal to go home to the pastoral team and ask them to get the PO to talk to him. The police officer will be someone he is familiar with and can give him a non threatening talk about being safe out and about etc.

LittleBrownRug · 28/10/2022 21:59

You said you messaged your daughter. Is she not at home either?

rmummyofone · 28/10/2022 22:05

Yes I'd call

Original poster
KilianAmarien · 28/10/2022 22:09

Thanks everyone I have called the police. He very rarely does go out alone due to not having any friends so this is unusual. He was at EXHs since Wednesday night and cme home last night, Ex told me they both had a good time etc but DD told me DS was crying when I dropped them off on Wednesday and yesterday he refused to do anything with ex and DD and told them both to leave him alone.

I did message him about an hour ago asking him to come home and told him he won't be in trouble and we could spend the day together tomorrow (DD is at a friend's birthday sleepover tonight and party tomorrow and DS was a bit upset about it as he's never been invited to a birthday party apart from one in reception where the whole class was invited) but he's read it and not replied.

Last time he did this was after school (I now pick him up from school) and he went on the bus all the way to the last stop which was a city centre and when he finally got home he told me he was scared so I didn't think he'd do it again but obviously it's a different situation today.

OP posts:
rmummyofone · 28/10/2022 22:12

Oh gosh, sounds like you really need a hand hold.

At least he's reading the messages, but you did the right thing to call.

Love that you offered to spend time with him tomorrow. Maybe something like bowling / cinemas. Just you and him.

Please keep us updated when he's home safe.

Bitterbean · 28/10/2022 22:12

kitcat15 · 28/10/2022 21:18

Of what significance is it that he is adopted?

Jesus! What a question. Adopted children can be quite vulnerable due to early trauma.

Zib · 28/10/2022 22:12

Has he got an iPhone?
is he set as one of your family?
because then you can use FindMy to see his location.

sorry if you already know this and it’s not helpful. I hope you find him soon.

PortalooSunset · 28/10/2022 22:14

I'm glad you've called now. Tbh I'd have probably done it earlier, when he told you to stop contacting him. Has he definitely not gone back to ex-h's?

IWishICouldDance · 28/10/2022 22:19

Seems he needs some boundaries in place, maybe grounding and removing his phone, he can't just waste police time playing silly beggers difficult start or not. Why on earth would you reward this behaviour with a nice day out?

Name99 · 28/10/2022 22:19

What have the police said then, are they going to get him, contact the parents?

SnarkyBag · 28/10/2022 22:26

IWishICouldDance · 28/10/2022 22:19

Seems he needs some boundaries in place, maybe grounding and removing his phone, he can't just waste police time playing silly beggers difficult start or not. Why on earth would you reward this behaviour with a nice day out?

Because it’s all a lot more complex than just a young boy playing silly beggars.

Newmumatlast · 28/10/2022 22:28

Why was my post deleted I didn't think it was rude? I was acknowledging that my opinion may be based on me parenting differently but didn't mean that in a rude way, people have different choices, and I was suggesting a different steer once he is home. I'm neurodiverse so apologies if I am missing something and it did come across as rude or blunt.

OP I hope you are OK and the police can now help you get him home x

Lindy2 · 28/10/2022 22:30

IWishICouldDance · 28/10/2022 22:19

Seems he needs some boundaries in place, maybe grounding and removing his phone, he can't just waste police time playing silly beggers difficult start or not. Why on earth would you reward this behaviour with a nice day out?

Speaks someone with no experience of ASD or a child already in a PRU. It's somewhat beyond grounding and taking a phone away.

This isn't a wasting police time situation. This is a vulnerable child with additional needs potentially being in a dangerous situation. Some of the kids in PRUs will be involved in county lines and will be looking for recruits. The more vulnerable the better.

You've done the right thing OP calling the police. It's great you have a good relationship with you. Once he's home I hope you are able to talk to him about how risky doing this is. Also put Life 360 on his phone. It will track where he is.

FiveMins · 28/10/2022 22:33

IWishICouldDance · 28/10/2022 22:19

Seems he needs some boundaries in place, maybe grounding and removing his phone, he can't just waste police time playing silly beggers difficult start or not. Why on earth would you reward this behaviour with a nice day out?

Spot the person who understands nothing about childhood trauma.

OP I hope they are with their friend. Hope you find him soon.
I'm sure you already do this but in case you don't we always save any random friend phone numbers DS call us on (finding out the names of we can) for future use to use when this happens.
Keep us updated

Cr3ateAUsername · 28/10/2022 22:36

12?! Call them, now!

TheSausageKingofChicago · 28/10/2022 22:38

Handhold for you OP. My DS goes missing sometimes. He’s 20 now so not as worrying as 12 but I think he was 12 at his first AWOL.
You’ve done right getting the police involved. It’s an awful situation because you go through the whole range of: has he been hurt? Is he in danger? Is he being exploited? Or is he just rebelling? And 90% of the time it’s the latter, but you just can’t be sure.
Moving forwards, subtly get any information you can about his friends. I’ve found the good friends will reply to a FB messenger or Snapchat. Don’t interrogate him because he will likely clam up, but take mental notes.
For now, rest assured he’s probably perfectly safe and pushing boundaries. If anything really awful had happened the police or hospital would have been in touch, given his age.But if you can do something with his phone or make links with his friends, do that. Hopefully being brought home by the police will be the short sharp shock he needs.

Murphs1 · 28/10/2022 22:38

Gosh let us know when he’s home ok. My autistic son is 11 and goes nowhere on his own except the school bus which he struggles with, and I would be frantic in this situation.

Ilovethewild · 28/10/2022 22:40

You must be so scared and worried 💐for you. Hope the police can talk to him and ensure he is safe/ok. And that he comes home soon. Do you have anyone with you? Is exh being helpful? Look after yourself. You will need your strength…

vipersnest1 · 28/10/2022 22:40

I hope you have news that he's safe soon, OP:

Frenzi101 · 28/10/2022 22:41

Couldn't just read and run. I so hope you get him home this evening. Its terrifying isn't it. My youngest (adopted) did this from age 13 to 16. Its the fight or flight mode isn't.

And for the poster that asked what has him being adopted got to do with it - absolutely everything!!!

Norriscolesbag · 28/10/2022 22:42

Glad you have rung them- he’s a very vulnerable boy. Hope the silence from you OP means he is now found- spend any time you intend responding on here spending time with him instead.

Frenzi101 · 28/10/2022 22:43

IWishICouldDance · 28/10/2022 22:19

Seems he needs some boundaries in place, maybe grounding and removing his phone, he can't just waste police time playing silly beggers difficult start or not. Why on earth would you reward this behaviour with a nice day out?

I'm assuming you don't have children who have been traumatised or have attachment disorders.

Lucky you. Don't judge others - children with trauma need a completely different style of parenting.

And why would you remove his phone for going missing - exactly what does that have to do with any natural consequence!

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