To tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they forward face her

[IdiotSandwich05]

Would I be unreasonable to tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they're going to forward face her?

This is NOT meant to turn into a debate about car seats and rear-facing vs forward-facing.

So my daughter is 3.5 and been rear facing since birth and still is. Her rear facing car seat goes up to 25kg and she's only 14kg so I plan on keeping her in it for the foreseeable. My parents have mentioned forward facing her loads of times, (since she was about 18 months!), but it's happening a lot more often recently. They keep saying they're going to buy her a booster seat, I asked why and what's wrong with the car seat we got them and they say her legs are too long and she looks uncomfortable in it 🙄 they also mention that she's quite badly car sick and forward facing would help it. She DOES get car sick but I'm not sure wether FF would do anything and tbh I'd rather she was sick but was safer than not sick but less safe!

They even say they know it's safer to RF! Yet are still constantly mentioning FF 🙄 When I try and show them studies, car seat safety tests, even news articles ect they just laugh and tell me to stop Googling stuff and they did it with me and I survived blah blah. Really bloody frustrating.

Well it came to a head the other day and I lost my temper and flat out told them she was going to continue RF and if they couldn't respect that they weren't taking her out in their car. They can still see her of course, just not actually take her anywhere in the car if they're going to FF.

Well my mum has now called me ridiculous and isn't talking to me 🙄 she says I'm 'over the top' with safety and need to relax a bit! I think SHE'S being ridiculous but I don't know if I was a little harsh?

I should say that this isn't the first time we've argued over safety or lack of it! One time they watched her when she was 8 months old, and when I came to collect her she was asleep in a travel cot with a pillow! I told them this wasn't safe and again got the 'we did it when you were a baby' ect. But they did remove it.

I'm sure this is an argument a lot of us have with our parents. But was I too harsh for saying this?

I know that RF is safer, but at the same time serious car accidents are relatively rare - in my 44 years I have been in three (non serious) car accidents - two as a child when we didn’t even have seatbelts in the back, let alone car seats.

When my DDs were small (13 years ago) it was usual to FF from about 12 months, but many did it sooner (irresponsibly in my view due to neck strength).

I still recall my mum driving us & our friends to a swimming pool with the seats down in the back of her Fiat Uno so we could fit 6 or 7 kids in!

So while RF is safer, this isn’t a hill I would die on!

What are you going to do wrap her up in cotton wool all of her childhood.? In every single thing there is an element of risk. You have to be reasonable or you will limit her development and experiences in life. get a grip for your child's sake

Have the people saying the OP is being OTT done any research themselves into the safety of RF vs FF? Comparison videos of crash test dummies and whatnot? RF is SO much safer and I think a lot of people don't realise this.

my DCs are grown up now so i have no skin in the game. Does anyone have a link (I'm not so invested that i want to search myself) to the actual data.

What you need to look at are the actual risk probabilities. Older driver, well maintained car, correctly fitted car seat FF, type of road, length of journey, number of accidents on that route over the last however long etc etc

A lot of people don't understand statistics and probability. The chances of falling off a chair are high, getting run over crossing a road, choking on a grape or something.

I am not saying OP is wrong here, her child her decision. But if this is how things are going to be managed for the rest of the child's life, OP needs to understand statistics and probability, or there is going to be a lot of discussion in her future.

I'm an advocate for RF car seats and mine had them till around age 3, but when they got to a point where they were being driven by my parents, they had a FF car seat. It was a proper seat, not just a booster, but the RF one was so big and difficult to move that it made more sense to have a seat that my parents kept in their car.

Having said that, this is your child and if this is what you want, that's up to you.

I just want to disagree with the PP who said if she goes FF in one car she'll kick off about being RF in yours - as above mine would switch between the two, as did my nieces and nephews as my siblings used extended RF seats, and none of them kicked off about switching, they sat one way in gran's car and another in mummy's and that's just how it is.

Your child, your rules. (It’s etc btw)

@AngelicInnocent I thought that too 🤣 @RedHelenB that makes me wonder about the risks of DVT then as well 🤔

No-one’s saying you’re a terrible person - it’s clear to me that you’re doing what you think is best for your DD.

But I do think you should have a think about if your decision is rational when weighed against your DD’s car sickness. It’s never a bad thing to think about how past events are clouding our judgment.

I think it’s such an issue in your family only because your parents are insisting and insisting. They should just did as they’ve told by you at least because it’s your child. I hate this argument: we raised 4 children and they survived so we’re an experts. Of course not these children probably just were lucky to survive. As one of posters said some time ago on a similar thread : those who didn’t survive can’t contribute to the thread.

Why are the GP taking her out in the car? Where to? How often?
You indicate you rarely take her anywhere in the car so just wondered why they do.

Perhaps just avoid those situations and thus avoid these arguments.

But also. I agree if she's still very small a booster seat is not yet suitable. There must be a compromise between a Safer FF facing seat which is more secure and protective. Could you research that and sell the old one as it sounds like itwill soon be too small for her as even though it can carry a heavier child, if she is growing taller but still thin it could become uncomfortable, given the rate at which they suddenly sprout. Also depends if your parents have a clear car, or lots of objects on the floor and seat. Having said that. They should respect your wishes regarding your DD, particularly as it causes you so much anxiety.

I can't say I've ever seen a kid rear facing at the age of 3.5. It's up to you to do what you want as a parent, but I wouldn't fight with my own parents over RF vs FF

@SalviaOfficinalis I've seen a few comments along the lines of 'poor child' which always makes you feel like a stellar parent especially if you think you're doing what is best!

I'd be thinking about the type of roads they're going on, and the speed, time of day, weather etc. That's a more important factor in risk than car seat position, imho.

Really? It's quite common.

DSC, DNs and DC all RF until at least 5 and they weren't alone amongst their friends.

Judging by all the responses you have, and have given OP, I'm not sure why you have asked. You are obviously very clear on what you believe and will allow so there's not really any need to ask.

I am totally in favour of RF and read the research etc. However, I got a seat that could be used facing either way and turned it round so my children were FF by somewhere between 2.5 and 3.5 years.

They (like me) get car sick and it definitely helped a bit. I don't think the risks, by that age, are so dramatically different. I mean you take them on buses, planes, tube etc just sitting on your lap or in their own seat at that age. Not even restrained on the bus/tube.

That's exactly what I did with family members who had older cars.

While they are clued up on car seat safety, they aren't clued up on that their car wasn't exactly the safest.

Luckily being in London it is easy for them to take DD out on public transport.

that’s ridiculous. Rear facing is significantly safer for toddlers as they have big heads. 5 year olds do not. They also must be far too tall and you risk serious leg injuries.
A bit like when you go on one of those dangly feet roller coasters and they tell you not to put your feet on the car in front of you.
OP - I think you’re overestimating the safely profile for a child your daughter’s age. I’d be much more worried about the sickness or leg injuries.

There are two valid perspectives here; OP is concerned with safety and the GP are concerned with welfare. If the journeys are short (avoiding motorways) I can understand why the GP are advocating for FF seat as they can see the discomfort and upset RF is causing the child with nausea and sickness. The OP is so blinkered with the safety element that the welfare of the child is secondary.

I wondered this too.

And from a safety point of view - is it really much better that they headbutt their knees in an accident? There's no way mine would have sat cross-legged in a car-seat and sat still.

"you risk serious leg injuries"
If your child was in a car crash would you rather risk serious leg injuries or serious neck injuries?

Your child. Your rules in my opinion.

YANBU to say that and stick to it, as long as you are not then going to take offence when they just don't take her out, because they think you are being ridiculous.

Mumsnet is full of people who rear face their children until they are 8. In real life (and I live in a right-on area and know loads of families with young children) nobody does it past about 18 months.

We do know RF is safer but unfortunately every time I've put my kids in RF they vomit. Vomiting is more dangerous in my opinion as I'm constantly having to watch them and making sure the don't choke or anything when they vomit. So less attention is on the road.

I would love to have them RF but on risk assessment have decided I'm less likely to have a crash if they FF.

Totally your decision and I hate the way some parents can be like "well we did it this way when you were a kid and you're still alive", BUT I think you're being really OTT and a bit unfair on your daughter and your parents for not allowing them to go and do anything that involves driving her somewhere. Would you let them take her on a bus?