To tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they forward face her

[IdiotSandwich05]

Would I be unreasonable to tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they're going to forward face her?

This is NOT meant to turn into a debate about car seats and rear-facing vs forward-facing.

So my daughter is 3.5 and been rear facing since birth and still is. Her rear facing car seat goes up to 25kg and she's only 14kg so I plan on keeping her in it for the foreseeable. My parents have mentioned forward facing her loads of times, (since she was about 18 months!), but it's happening a lot more often recently. They keep saying they're going to buy her a booster seat, I asked why and what's wrong with the car seat we got them and they say her legs are too long and she looks uncomfortable in it 🙄 they also mention that she's quite badly car sick and forward facing would help it. She DOES get car sick but I'm not sure wether FF would do anything and tbh I'd rather she was sick but was safer than not sick but less safe!

They even say they know it's safer to RF! Yet are still constantly mentioning FF 🙄 When I try and show them studies, car seat safety tests, even news articles ect they just laugh and tell me to stop Googling stuff and they did it with me and I survived blah blah. Really bloody frustrating.

Well it came to a head the other day and I lost my temper and flat out told them she was going to continue RF and if they couldn't respect that they weren't taking her out in their car. They can still see her of course, just not actually take her anywhere in the car if they're going to FF.

Well my mum has now called me ridiculous and isn't talking to me 🙄 she says I'm 'over the top' with safety and need to relax a bit! I think SHE'S being ridiculous but I don't know if I was a little harsh?

I should say that this isn't the first time we've argued over safety or lack of it! One time they watched her when she was 8 months old, and when I came to collect her she was asleep in a travel cot with a pillow! I told them this wasn't safe and again got the 'we did it when you were a baby' ect. But they did remove it.

I'm sure this is an argument a lot of us have with our parents. But was I too harsh for saying this?

Of course YANBU. Her safety comes first.

If they aren’t willing to keep her as safe as she can be then they don’t get to take her in the car. It’s that simple.

Quite clearly MN needs some education on ERF.

There's risk everywhere in raising kids. Part of our job as parents is to weigh up risks v benefits as they apply to our individual children and not the general population in a whole load of situations and not always plump for the safest option, which is not always in the interests of the child's wellbeing.

Yes, RF is safer than FF if you are in a serious accident. However, with a travel sick child I think it is worse for her development and general happiness that you have not at least tried FF as a test to see if it helps her. If you are actively avoiding taking her in the car and she's potentially missing out on different trips, the zoo, museums farm parks, that kind of thing then I don't think that's in her best interests. Also as pp have said there's the risk of choking on vomit. It's more complicated than always choosing the option with the least risk of death. If that was the case we'd just stay at home all the time. Parenting means constantly having to adjust to allowing your child a little more freedom (and hence risk of death) in all sorts of situations as they grow up.

I knew the stats about RF v FF but I chose to FF one child around 3 because he began to dislike RF and screamed during car journeys, which imo made us more likely to have an accident (and would think a sick child is also a distraction for the driver). You need to interpret the statistics in the context of your own child.

As someone who gets travel sick going forward makes a massive difference then going backwards. I can't sit backwards on buses etc and even trains are dodgy.

God there's mo worse feeling than travel sickness - it'd feel like a torture being for Ed to travel like that and I think that if you continue rear facing her, she'll develop a phobia of car travel.

Forward facing makes a MASSIVE difference to car sickness.

My 3.5yo is rear facing and will be for as long as I can get away with. She's tiny (11kg) and 1st centile for height, so probably has several more years in her seat if necessary.

I'd she gets distressed by it, or it became important for another reason, then I'd turn her, but I'd rather not. She's also rear facing in my parents car, and doesn't really travel in why other cars - and if she did, it would be rest facing in our car seat.

I am quite precious with her though, as she's the size of a child a lot younger. She's also had extensive brain surgery a few months ago, so I want whatever is safer for her head really.

My worry with your parents ff, is that your little one would start protesting about being rf with you - at the moment rf is all she knows! As such it undermines your parenting decisions.

With severe nausea, I probably would turn her though, but it's your decision as a parent to make.

But first she has to be in a car accident. Then both cars have to be going at a certain speed
But she's carsick and miserable every journey
Are your parents safe drivers?

I can take and understand people saying I'm being a bit OTT. I understand that may be possible hence why I asked. The weighing up of risks when it comes to individual journeys is a very valid point.

But to suggest I'm not considering the welfare of my child is a step too far.

Made zero difference to my car sick children.

Actually one of them only really started to get car sick at about 18 months when we turned him forward facing. Probably age/coincidence rather than directly related though.

Car sickness wouldn't be a consideration for me in terms of safety.

Also my oldest child is 12 and still very rarely travels in cars that aren't ours or grandparents. I guess different people have different lifestyles but getting lifts in friend's cars has very rarely been an issue. My 5 and 8 year olds have never been in a friend's car as far as I can remember.

@IdiotSandwich05 doesn't matter if other people think you are OTT about safety or would do differently with their own child. You need to do what you're comfortable with. Your parents need to respect that.

I think it’s the high risk of minor discomfort (car sickness) versus extremely low risk but of major injury (in the unlikely event of the specific type of accident in which rear facing would make a difference). Personally, like your parents, I would take that risk assessment and choose forward facing. You balance the risk differently. And ultimately it’s your decision. But you just have to be sure I guess that it’s worth the fallout.

I've suffered motion sickness most of my life(and it's horrible) there's no way I could travel facing backwards. A lot of that would be eliminated if she could see where she was going. I assumed she was a baby from your post header. Poor kid.

YAB a bit U. From extensive experience with a carsick DC of similar age, even if it doesn't reduce the likelihood of DC being car sick (which it may well actually) it's a damn sight easier to deal with an episode of car sickness if they are forward facing.

Like someone else said, you’re a bit OTT but it’s your baby so your decisions. Therefore you are a tiny bit crazy but YANBU.

Quite clearly MN needs some education on ERF.

no. Quite clearly a lot of posters on MN need some education in risk assessment, probability and statistics.

Again: your child your rules (as long as their other parent is on board, which this one is) but again you need to acknowledge your anxiety around car travel and maybe find ways to mitigate this in view of the car sickness.

In the GP's position here? I just wouldn't take her anywhere where a car needed to be involved. Shame, but there it is: parent's decision.

Absolutely this^

Christ. Your child is nearly 4 and still facing backwards? What age will you deem it ok to forward face. Car sickness is horrendous. Yes FF will always almost certainly make a difference. She will be at school soon, going on trips on coaches (if she isn’t already with nursery) no car seats at all! What you going to do then?

It's not only the seat prefernce but the pillow as well. Isn't 8 months old ok to have a pillow? Yes, of course you know best about your own child but I'm wondering if you are feeling a bit more anxious than expected about your child's safety.

They sound like caring parents, wish my kids had grandparents to take them out. If she’s that weight, she’s a big girl (my average height and weight 6 year old is that size) I think you need to chill

You sound incredibly PFB and controlling and the fact you are prepared to fall out with your parents, living grandparents and refusing to listen to their advice because of your stubbornness is incredible.

The actual scenario is irrelevant OP. The fact is that you have asked/told them your wishes are they are ignoring them. This discussion probably won't go on too much longer as she grows, but there will come the next battle, and then the next.

So telling them not to take her out on the car is not the actual issue, it's making them understand that they need to accept your wishes. And this is something you need to happen to keep a happy relationship going forward

Travelling in a car is inherently a risk. Therefore I would say YABU. However, as others have said it’s your child and your rules.

YABU for making your DD car sick just so you don't have to worry about her. Your emotions aren't more important than her welfare. FF makes a difference to travel sickness because you can watch the horizon, RF is awful for travel sickness.

I think that @WifeMotherWorker should have said the wellbeing of your child rather than the welfare of your child. She's looking at it not from a viewpoint of safety (which you are) and more from a general 'how your daughter travels and feels while travelling' viewpoint.

Being car sick as a child is a horrible horrible sensation and feeling. I used to get terribly car sick and we have a family legendary story where I threw up over all of my siblings who were also travelling in the back seat of the car (back in the days where there were no seat belts in the back...and we all survivied). If I had to travel backwards too I probably would have been sick before I left the driveway.

Have you tried travelling with your DD facing forward in your car at all to see if that helps with the car sickness? I'd do a few tests first to see if that helps her at all. If it does, are you really going to force her to face the other way and keep getting sick in the car?

You're going to cause huge issues with this. She'll miss out on so much because she won't want to be in the car because she's sick and your parents won't take her either because she's sick. Sad.