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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they forward face her

701 replies

IdiotSandwich05 · 28/10/2022 11:17

Would I be unreasonable to tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they're going to forward face her?

This is NOT meant to turn into a debate about car seats and rear-facing vs forward-facing.

So my daughter is 3.5 and been rear facing since birth and still is. Her rear facing car seat goes up to 25kg and she's only 14kg so I plan on keeping her in it for the foreseeable. My parents have mentioned forward facing her loads of times, (since she was about 18 months!), but it's happening a lot more often recently. They keep saying they're going to buy her a booster seat, I asked why and what's wrong with the car seat we got them and they say her legs are too long and she looks uncomfortable in it 🙄 they also mention that she's quite badly car sick and forward facing would help it. She DOES get car sick but I'm not sure wether FF would do anything and tbh I'd rather she was sick but was safer than not sick but less safe!

They even say they know it's safer to RF! Yet are still constantly mentioning FF 🙄 When I try and show them studies, car seat safety tests, even news articles ect they just laugh and tell me to stop Googling stuff and they did it with me and I survived blah blah. Really bloody frustrating.

Well it came to a head the other day and I lost my temper and flat out told them she was going to continue RF and if they couldn't respect that they weren't taking her out in their car. They can still see her of course, just not actually take her anywhere in the car if they're going to FF.

Well my mum has now called me ridiculous and isn't talking to me 🙄 she says I'm 'over the top' with safety and need to relax a bit! I think SHE'S being ridiculous but I don't know if I was a little harsh?

I should say that this isn't the first time we've argued over safety or lack of it! One time they watched her when she was 8 months old, and when I came to collect her she was asleep in a travel cot with a pillow! I told them this wasn't safe and again got the 'we did it when you were a baby' ect. But they did remove it.

I'm sure this is an argument a lot of us have with our parents. But was I too harsh for saying this?

OP posts:
Anonymouseposter · 31/10/2022 10:15

As the grandparent having to clean up and having the smell in the car, while inconvenient, wouldn’t be my main concern. I would be upset that the kid was being made to feel unwell unnecessarily. I wouldn’t want to take her in my car until you were ready to allow forward facing.

BloodyMabel · 31/10/2022 11:05

YANBU. It’s your child and you’ve researched it correctly rather than jumping straight to it being ‘legal’ and therefore ‘safe’ to sell FF car seats tested to a whole 15mph per car in a crash in this country.

I have this argument with people for RF too but you’re not going to get to rethink your decision if there’s a crash and the worst happens so stick to your guns and work on the sickness in other ways, motion sickness bands, not eating before travel, blocking out the side window etc.

One day people will look back and wonder why RF wasn’t the norm but these things always take time.

Scottsy100 · 31/10/2022 11:50

I think way OTT at nearly 4 years old, how old to you intend to still be RF her?

If there’s a chance FF could alleviate the sickness I’d definitely be exploring that option

I do think causing a possible permanent irreversible rift with your parents is utter madness though

WhoKnows2346 · 31/10/2022 12:55

I love the 'we did it when you were little and you're okay' argument. A little lighthearted moment, my friend found a photo of her mum and herself as a newborn being driven home from hospital for the first time. Mum was sitting in the front passenger with the baby cradled in her arm, smoking a cigarette!! Thankfully, we are now better informed and I can't help but wonder why people still argue against studies that clearly show improvement and to be life saving. Both my two were extended RF-ing until they were 6 and 5. They never hit the weight target of their car seats but as soon as they complained about their knees hurting, it was time to turn around. We did have resistance when my first was 1yrs old and we were looking at buying rf seats. I bought extended rf seats that was good until they were upto 5/6 yrs old and told whoever thought I wanted to hear of their opinion that they can discuss it with me in 4 to 5 yrs time. As someone above has said, your child, your rules. My favourite is I'd rather a child with a broken leg than a dead child through internal decapitation. Stay strong, YANBU xx

Comfort3 · 31/10/2022 13:10

Gosh. YABVU.

Lilah10 · 31/10/2022 13:11

The kids is nearly 4, let her see where she is going ffs. I know you are coming from a place of wanting to keep your daughter safe, but imo this is extreme and you are being overly protective.

Dinneronmybfpillow · 31/10/2022 13:49

Charlene1marie · 31/10/2022 09:11

How tall is she? Please remember it is about height and weight not age and weight. I have tall children so they always moved seats early.

My understanding is that the age of the child is relevant due to the maturing of bone density and the forming of the spinal column/pelvis. This happens at the same age for every child, regardless of height/weight. I commonly read that the maturation of the skeleton is what the recommendation of RF to approx 4.5 years is made on.

Iamgrootyesiam · 31/10/2022 14:35

I absolutely agree with you, your child your rules and you want your child to be the safest they can be!

jgjgjgjgjg · 31/10/2022 15:05

You are being ridiculous but I think you know that already?

LololaLo2012 · 31/10/2022 16:45

In your car on longer journeys totally agree with RF. also, your daughter your choice!
I do understand that it’s more of the fact that they keep asking that’s the annoyance and that they aren’t listening to your request of only RF.
However, I’m assuming that your parents aren’t doing longer motorway journeys? More just nipping to the shops or a soft play? If this is true I think at 3.5 years she would be perfect safe FF for those journeys.

Anonymouseposter · 31/10/2022 16:50

They probably keep asking because the child is car sick and there's a chance that facing forward could help.

FriendofDorothy · 31/10/2022 18:21

If you are that worried about it why don't you buy them a new RF car seat for them to keep in their car?

Herejustforthisone · 31/10/2022 20:27

FriendofDorothy · 31/10/2022 18:21

If you are that worried about it why don't you buy them a new RF car seat for them to keep in their car?

The OP refused.

Ideatcakeforbreakfast · 31/10/2022 20:29

It's ultimately your decision. However you have mentioned that DD gets car sick and front facing definitely would ease that. As a child who got car sick, I needed to be facing out the front of the car to prevent it. At the end of the day, if your not happy with your parents driving your child around then you take care of your child and don't let them look after her.

Grasshopper30 · 31/10/2022 20:59

It's not about you being right / wrong / uptight or relaxed, it's about your parents inability to respect your wishes for your child. They are not respecting you as an adult or your decisions and are treating you as a child and themselves as an adult. Their actions say "we know better." It is disrespectful, belittling and down right rude. Your child, your rules. If it was me (and my parents were similarly inclined so I really get it) I would be exactly as you are. "You either respect my wishes or you don't have her." My son has just been allowed a booster seat in my mums car, he's 7. Better be safe than sorry.

CaronPoivre · 31/10/2022 21:02

Rear facing will increase car sickness. It will only be safer until she aspirates on
her vomit. Your choice but I’m not sure you’ve weighed up risks properly.

Eskimolove · 31/10/2022 22:11

Grasshopper30 · 31/10/2022 20:59

It's not about you being right / wrong / uptight or relaxed, it's about your parents inability to respect your wishes for your child. They are not respecting you as an adult or your decisions and are treating you as a child and themselves as an adult. Their actions say "we know better." It is disrespectful, belittling and down right rude. Your child, your rules. If it was me (and my parents were similarly inclined so I really get it) I would be exactly as you are. "You either respect my wishes or you don't have her." My son has just been allowed a booster seat in my mums car, he's 7. Better be safe than sorry.

I wish there was a like function for posts. You put it brilliantly!

Onceuponawhileago · 01/11/2022 08:36

Grasshopper30 · 31/10/2022 20:59

It's not about you being right / wrong / uptight or relaxed, it's about your parents inability to respect your wishes for your child. They are not respecting you as an adult or your decisions and are treating you as a child and themselves as an adult. Their actions say "we know better." It is disrespectful, belittling and down right rude. Your child, your rules. If it was me (and my parents were similarly inclined so I really get it) I would be exactly as you are. "You either respect my wishes or you don't have her." My son has just been allowed a booster seat in my mums car, he's 7. Better be safe than sorry.

Mmm. You forgot to mention how poorly she negotiated though. Thats damaged her relationship and given my experience with older kids there are many days ahead when she will need help.

H007 · 01/11/2022 13:42

I am presuming she is your first child. I think you are being unreasonable. If you trust your parents enough to look after her, then you need to trust your parents to look after her. Including making decisions on how to transport in their car. It’s not as if FF is unsafe.

Additionally in the blink of an eye your parents are going to be gone and your wasting time and your DC’s time with them arguing about something that in the grander scale of things is not that important. I am imaging we are discussing urban 30/40mph driving on motorway high speed driving.

WhoKnows2346 · 01/11/2022 14:29

Herejustforthisone · 31/10/2022 20:27

The OP refused.

Show quote history

The OP has already bought a RF seat for the gparents car but they want to by a booster chair which would make the child forward facing.

Cakeorchocolate · 02/11/2022 00:46

The only thing you are doing that's unreasonable is coming on mumsnet to ask. ERF isn't "the norm' on here, or irl in most countries. Like you, that didn't stop me being 100% confident it was the safest thing to do. (Dd was 5.5 when I turned her.)

You are not being unreasonable at all.

1HappyTraveller · 10/11/2022 21:25

IdiotSandwich05 · 28/10/2022 11:22

@Untitledsquatboulder I'm not saying they can't see her at all. Simply that they can't take her out in the car if they can't respect my wishes in regards to her safety.

Absolutely this! I surprised that so many disagree with you. It’s absurd!

Botanybaby · 21/01/2025 07:30

I think it's very strange how you would rather your child be sick every time she's in a car rather than try her in an alternative seat. She's not 3 months she's almost 4 years old

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 21/01/2025 08:09

Botanybaby · 21/01/2025 07:30

I think it's very strange how you would rather your child be sick every time she's in a car rather than try her in an alternative seat. She's not 3 months she's almost 4 years old

OPs child is around 6 now actually.

Barbie222 · 21/01/2025 09:20

She DOES get car sick but I'm not sure whether FF would do anything and tbh I'd rather she was sick but was safer than not sick but less safe!

This is massively shortsighted. Are you sure it's just not a trench you've dug here with your parents that is too deep to get out of? Rather than making a judgement about what's reasonable for a 3.5 year old?

Cleaning up other people's kids barf is disgusting, she wouldn't be coming in my car.