To tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they forward face her

[IdiotSandwich05]

Would I be unreasonable to tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they're going to forward face her?

This is NOT meant to turn into a debate about car seats and rear-facing vs forward-facing.

So my daughter is 3.5 and been rear facing since birth and still is. Her rear facing car seat goes up to 25kg and she's only 14kg so I plan on keeping her in it for the foreseeable. My parents have mentioned forward facing her loads of times, (since she was about 18 months!), but it's happening a lot more often recently. They keep saying they're going to buy her a booster seat, I asked why and what's wrong with the car seat we got them and they say her legs are too long and she looks uncomfortable in it 🙄 they also mention that she's quite badly car sick and forward facing would help it. She DOES get car sick but I'm not sure wether FF would do anything and tbh I'd rather she was sick but was safer than not sick but less safe!

They even say they know it's safer to RF! Yet are still constantly mentioning FF 🙄 When I try and show them studies, car seat safety tests, even news articles ect they just laugh and tell me to stop Googling stuff and they did it with me and I survived blah blah. Really bloody frustrating.

Well it came to a head the other day and I lost my temper and flat out told them she was going to continue RF and if they couldn't respect that they weren't taking her out in their car. They can still see her of course, just not actually take her anywhere in the car if they're going to FF.

Well my mum has now called me ridiculous and isn't talking to me 🙄 she says I'm 'over the top' with safety and need to relax a bit! I think SHE'S being ridiculous but I don't know if I was a little harsh?

I should say that this isn't the first time we've argued over safety or lack of it! One time they watched her when she was 8 months old, and when I came to collect her she was asleep in a travel cot with a pillow! I told them this wasn't safe and again got the 'we did it when you were a baby' ect. But they did remove it.

I'm sure this is an argument a lot of us have with our parents. But was I too harsh for saying this?

@GodisaBC

You said "There is no point in rf if you are then going to allow ff from time to time"

But there clearly isn't "no point", is there? She's safer RF 95 percent of the time and FF 5 percent of the time than FF 100 percent of the time.

Oh wow that’s really interesting, I never knew that at all

I’m genuinely saying this with good intentions, but do you have a lot of anxiety, in general or around car accidents?

I know RF is safer, but it does seem extreme to prefer your child to be car sick and actively avoid car journeys rather than try FF.

Why do they need to transport your child at all without you there? Are they your childcare? If so you are going to have to have a serious discussion about this. They clearly aren't doing what you ask so you either accept that and compromise with a forward facing seat (which is not unsafe by the way), or you find alternative childcare. Your child your rules, but clearly something has to give here.
If they aren't providing childcare the solution is easy, don't leave her in their care without you if they're likely to take her anywhere in the car.

Out of interest, when do you intend for her to be forward facing?

No they aren't.

If they can fit the weight category they can cope with folding and bending their legs while rear facing. It looks uncomfortable to us but they are fine with it. My DD actually has fallen asleep like that. (There is research that explains this about using rear facing car seats with older/taller children who fit into the weight category.)

My DD is now 4 and I am just now turning her seat in my car around. In other cars with people I trust since she was 4 she has been forward facing. And in family member cars - who I chose the seat for - she is forward facing.

YABVVU.
This time next year she will be going on a bus/coach school trip with no car seat and no seatbelt. Your poor DD - being carsick is horrible and you won't do something that will help with this.

As someone who suffered terrible car sickness as a child, facing backwards in the back seat would have been unbearable.

Not sure what response you want, your adamant about this but clearly your parents are going to think you're being ott... Not sure what the resolution is other than them not taking her out 🤷‍♀️

This

so not in the car, but if I'm on a train and RF, I will throw up 😩

I was very much on the RF bandwagon before it was a thing. Then I ended up with a 3 year old in 6-7 length clothes who vomited profusely on every car journey, so we switched to FF. She was actually grateful, and I remember the first car journey where she could stretch her legs and didn't get sick. "I DON'T NEED THE BLUE BOWL!"

Back then the GP's had to FF because their car wouldn't fit the RF seat. It felt really scary because I was sure there would be a horrible deadly accident, but she would have outgrown our RF seat within a few months anyway, and everyone wanted her safe at the end of the day.

If they actually have an 8 month old a pillow they are dicks

First child ? Yeah this is way over the top she's 3.5 years old. It does make sickness worse and it's completely unnecessary you are being ridiculous

Your child, your rules.

Also different people find they may have to sit in different seats to avoid their car/coach sickness.

So some have to sit in the front passenger seat, while others have to sit behind the driver.

@SalviaOfficinalis That is possible. My FIL is permanently disabled due to a car accident and I have also lost a close friend to a car accident. I do appreciate serious collisions are rare in comparison to the number of car journeys taken each day. But they do happen and am I such a terrible person and parent to want DD to be as safe as possible?

Forward facing will almost certainly help with the car sickness.

OP you’re being a bit OTT and precious! Your DC is 3.5 years old of course she should be in a forward facing safety seat, no wonder the poor thing is getting sick!!!

I think making this an “iron clad rule” is a bit bonkers, even if your overall position is in favour of RF (which is perfectly sensible). They won’t be driving her very much, so we are talking a really really really small risk here, regardless of what seat she is in. Its just not a sensible hill to die on at 3.5.

(also want to emphasise what others have said about “there’s no point in RF if she occasionally FFs” as being literal nonsense - one trip FF doesn’t “cancel out” any of the rest being RF!!)

I respect your views but I think you're being unreasonable. I think you're being singularly focused on the research base of safety of a crash, not in the global consideration of balancing risks & harm of limiting her experiences. This all leads to you controlling the relationship with grandparents & impacting on how you promote her general well-being.
She's being physically ill with the option you're painstaking insisting on, you're dictating how your parents keep her safe & affecting your relationship and in my opinion at 3.5 your dogmatic attitude is affecting her stimulation in journeys. Those are reasonable reasons to flex the rules.
If we only ever do things that are the least dangerous you will deprive her of so many wonderful things. (I know that's not what you're saying, as this post is about car seats, but I think it's relevant to consider)
How will you ever manage buses?

Where are they taking her, OP? Around town in 30 MPR zones for 5 minute journeys, or across country on motorways etc?

It's up to you and her father but regarding the travel sickness it may well be better when she does start FF. My DD had terrible travel sickness when RF and although she did still have it when FF, and still has it as an adult, it was much less.

I'm a single parent and it would have been helpful for my parents to help me with the children, but like you, I refused to let them drive them forward facing. Only now my son is 6 and has been measured and weighed to be the right size to forward face in a high back booster. Why risk it? It's just not worth it.

I also had many comments from family and friends saying that they looked uncomfortable and it wasn't fair. Well, now my eldest is forward facing, it hurts his legs a lot more than being rear facing so that's BS.

Tell them to speak to the in-car safety centre for some impartial advice. They are the experts.

this

I can't face backwards travelling as an adult as it makes me feel sick. It's definitely a reason for feeling travel sick. At four my DS was four foot tall so definitely would not have RF - not that it was even a thing then after the initial tiny baby car seat. He's only 14 now and six foot four and at age four was on just a booster seat.

It actually sounds really dangerous to have a child throwing up where you can’t see them properly. I’d be with you if LO was happy RF and they were bringing it up needlessly but in this case I 100% agree with your parents.