To tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they forward face her

[IdiotSandwich05]

Would I be unreasonable to tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they're going to forward face her?

This is NOT meant to turn into a debate about car seats and rear-facing vs forward-facing.

So my daughter is 3.5 and been rear facing since birth and still is. Her rear facing car seat goes up to 25kg and she's only 14kg so I plan on keeping her in it for the foreseeable. My parents have mentioned forward facing her loads of times, (since she was about 18 months!), but it's happening a lot more often recently. They keep saying they're going to buy her a booster seat, I asked why and what's wrong with the car seat we got them and they say her legs are too long and she looks uncomfortable in it 🙄 they also mention that she's quite badly car sick and forward facing would help it. She DOES get car sick but I'm not sure wether FF would do anything and tbh I'd rather she was sick but was safer than not sick but less safe!

They even say they know it's safer to RF! Yet are still constantly mentioning FF 🙄 When I try and show them studies, car seat safety tests, even news articles ect they just laugh and tell me to stop Googling stuff and they did it with me and I survived blah blah. Really bloody frustrating.

Well it came to a head the other day and I lost my temper and flat out told them she was going to continue RF and if they couldn't respect that they weren't taking her out in their car. They can still see her of course, just not actually take her anywhere in the car if they're going to FF.

Well my mum has now called me ridiculous and isn't talking to me 🙄 she says I'm 'over the top' with safety and need to relax a bit! I think SHE'S being ridiculous but I don't know if I was a little harsh?

I should say that this isn't the first time we've argued over safety or lack of it! One time they watched her when she was 8 months old, and when I came to collect her she was asleep in a travel cot with a pillow! I told them this wasn't safe and again got the 'we did it when you were a baby' ect. But they did remove it.

I'm sure this is an argument a lot of us have with our parents. But was I too harsh for saying this?

She's nearly 4. Massively over the top but it's your kid OP you have the right to set whatever rules you want.

Oh my goodness, she's 3.5 years old. Let her FF in the car.

She's a person in her own right, not a fragile porcelin doll you cotton wool wrap. I can't imagine any of my DCs when younger at that age being happy RF and it would have made them nauseous . Looking out the windows and seeing road ahead helps with nausea and helps reduce motion sickness

I understand for a 2 year old but not an almost 4 year old!!

But - you're right, your child your rules. Except she'll be going to school next year and you'll find things change then, as it's no longer your rules all the time .

Yabu and over to top with your parents about this.

You’ve made winning an argument with your parents more important than preventing your DC from being travel sick. Nausea is horrendous, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

This isn’t about car seats, this is about a power struggle with your parents.

I’m not sure why you’ve come on here to ask for opinions because you haven’t been open to any suggestions other than your own.
I think you should just close the post because it’s pointless!

I think all the people saying you're OTT, are missing the point. RF is massively safer, I'd rather a sick child than a dead child. Also, your parents are taking the mick, your word us the final say on the safety of your child, what you say goes. , and constantly dismissing you, smacks of entitlement.I've also got a mother who's always disagreeing with modern safety and parenting, arguing that I'm still alive, so it couldn't have been that bad (yeah, cos smoking around babies, no seat belts, toys n blankets in cots, etc are great) 🙄

If I sit facing backwards on a train I get very travel sick but I am okay facing forward. I think being rear facing is probably contributing to the sickness which feels horrible. It’s up to you in the end but personally I think you’re being OTT and she would be more comfortable forward facing. She’s going to learn to hate car journeys.

OP using your logic you will still be insisting your child stays rear facing in a car when she's 15 because 'it's safer'. Stop being so silly.

because being in a car and being at school are totally comparable. Now who's being ludicrous?

Whether they are comparable or not is not the issue. The OP is being totally OTT about a hypothetical car accident which is highly unlikely to happen, if she is this obsessed with safety then surely she is going to want to make sure the school are obeying all her safety rules. Children do have accidents at school, and what if the school should want to take her DD on a school trip - will they have a RF seat on the bus, just for her?

The majority of votes are overwhelmingly in favour of the OP being U, but she still insists she is right, so what is the actual point of this thread?

I think all the people saying you're OTT, are missing the point. RF is massively safer, I'd rather a sick child than a dead child.

Is it really massively safer for a 3.5 year old 14kg child? Surely, a properly fitted age, height and weight appropriate ff car seat has real safety value in the event of collision. Obviously she is still way too small for just a booster seat.

I’d rather a sick child than a dead child. I would be weighing up the risks against the distress. Travel sickness is a really horrible feeling and is happening in the rear facing seat. An accident is less likely to happen and there are front facing seats that are nearly as safe as the rear facing ones. If I was the grandparent I would have tried to discuss this with you but it’s up to you in the end. I wouldn’t want to take her in the car if she was going to feel ill every time. Obviously a booster seat is inadequate and unsuitable at her age but there are good ff car seats.

I feel sorry for your poor kid

. RF is massively safer, I'd rather a sick child than a dead child

But that's not the choice, is it? On the one hand, you have the inevitability of the child feeling sick, so that every journey is utterly miserable and she may end up phobic. On the other hand, you have the tiny possibility of the child being in a potentially fatal accident, and the even tinier possibility that it will be so serious that it leads to fatality in a forward facing seat where it would leave a child in a rear facing seat OK. If you think that isn't an acceptable risk, why would you put your child in a car at all? Indeed, why even go out of the house, the risk to them I walking by the side of a road with traffic on it is greater than the risk of travelling in a rear facing seat.

I haven't read all the replies.

But it's your child. Not theirs. So it's your rules.

I totally agree with rear facing and had similar from my parents. So I feel for you.

So why are you here then?

The OP didn't answer the bus question. Annoying.

I’m reading this in shock and wondering how you will possibly cope when your child passes their driving test at 17 and drives a car on the big bad road unaccompanied for the first time!!

I’m betting she wont even want to drive or do adventurous things in life as you will be that type of parent that scares the hell out of her with every possible researched safety risk so she ends up overly anxious and fearful.

and Voila! Another snowflake wrapped in cotton wool enters the world.

I work with someone who could have wrote your post, I mean it could be you but we will never know.....but she is a control freak and although a nice person underneath it all, people only see the control freak and judge her based on that. She asks for people's opinions on things but won't take them on board, so pointless asking. Seems similar here. After recently losing one of my parents, maybe just have a rethink on what you're willing to fall out about....life really is too short and you can't keep her in a RF until she leaves home. It sounds like for you it will never be the right time. Each to their own though.

You already know that you are being unreasonable , that’s why you posted ! Consider yourself lucky you have such lovely parents who put up with your anxiety .

I think OP isn’t responding much because she got different responses from what she expected. People have considered the whole picture rather than go straight to “your child, your rules”. Although all decisions regarding your child rest ultimately with the parents other people are allowed to express a point of view. You have every right to say that they can’t take her in the car but most people think that’s unreasonable.

It was a bit of rhetorical hyperbole which OP has insisted taking completely literally, which seems to be much in keeping with her absolute fixation on rear-facing. The more sensible posts on this thread (and there are plenty) have pointed out that whilst RF is empirically and irrefutably safer, outside of a crash test lab it’s a parent’s job to make an overall risk assessment based on other factors. Most people wouldn’t blow up their relationship with otherwise loving parents over this issue, and many others would factor in the risk of the child vomiting and aspirating.

There is no point arguing with a zealot. I still don’t know what OP wanted from this thread.

Yanvu in my opinion. I think you need to chill out a bit & be happy that you have parents who want to take your child out.

Ive seen this exact situation with my SIL & in-laws. My poor niece was badly carsick RF & developed a phobia of going in the car. My SIL lives a good hour plus drive away so every journey turned into a nightmare & tears. Felt really sorry for my niece. My SIL wouldn’t listen to anyone just liked to quote research. Well now both my nieces face forward in the car, no more carsickness since.

if it was that much safer RF it would be law, like it is for children using car seats, but it isn’t. I guarantee years down the line there will be more research etc & probs some condemning RF as unsafe so take all research with a pinch of salt & think about what is actually affecting your child more now.

do you want your child to be carsick? I certainly wouldn’t want to get in a car if I knew I’d feel sick each time. So why do that to your kid? I do think you need to apologise to your parents & talk to them in a calm way & come to a compromise. You forget, they’ve raise a child before haven’t they love their GC & wouldn’t do anything to put her in harms way. You need to relax that control

You absolutely ANBU. Your kid your rules of course, as others have said but they even acknowledge that she’s safer RF and yet still won’t have it. It’s black and white to me - RF or bust. If your parents don’t like it they need to have a word with themselves. What other things are you going to compromise on otherwise? Pillow in travel cot as we know is not OK. And they don’t get it because of the survivor bias. My parents are the same “it was ok for you”. Yes, but plenty it wasn’t ok for and now we know better.

How tall is she? Please remember it is about height and weight not age and weight. I have tall children so they always moved seats early.

I think that the child vomiting in a rear facing car seat sounds much more risky TBH. And as a PP said, a vomiting child is also going to be distracting for the driver.

FF does help with car sickness and if transporting her RF leaves their car smelling of sick or with a horrid mess to clear up they do have a right to object

BUT laughing at you and you scientific safer methods is rude.

If they want to say ‘look, we can’t manage the sickness aspect so won’t be driving her anywhere until you’re off with FF’ they’d be entirely within their rights but laughing at you isn’t the way to handle it.

RF was not a thing after about 9 months when mine were small so not something I have any baggage over but you ultimately get to make the choices over safety. Is there a risk from choking in vomit? I don’t know but would be worth taking that into account, but then I’m mum to an emetophobe so that flags up for me.