To tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they forward face her

[IdiotSandwich05]

Would I be unreasonable to tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they're going to forward face her?

This is NOT meant to turn into a debate about car seats and rear-facing vs forward-facing.

So my daughter is 3.5 and been rear facing since birth and still is. Her rear facing car seat goes up to 25kg and she's only 14kg so I plan on keeping her in it for the foreseeable. My parents have mentioned forward facing her loads of times, (since she was about 18 months!), but it's happening a lot more often recently. They keep saying they're going to buy her a booster seat, I asked why and what's wrong with the car seat we got them and they say her legs are too long and she looks uncomfortable in it 🙄 they also mention that she's quite badly car sick and forward facing would help it. She DOES get car sick but I'm not sure wether FF would do anything and tbh I'd rather she was sick but was safer than not sick but less safe!

They even say they know it's safer to RF! Yet are still constantly mentioning FF 🙄 When I try and show them studies, car seat safety tests, even news articles ect they just laugh and tell me to stop Googling stuff and they did it with me and I survived blah blah. Really bloody frustrating.

Well it came to a head the other day and I lost my temper and flat out told them she was going to continue RF and if they couldn't respect that they weren't taking her out in their car. They can still see her of course, just not actually take her anywhere in the car if they're going to FF.

Well my mum has now called me ridiculous and isn't talking to me 🙄 she says I'm 'over the top' with safety and need to relax a bit! I think SHE'S being ridiculous but I don't know if I was a little harsh?

I should say that this isn't the first time we've argued over safety or lack of it! One time they watched her when she was 8 months old, and when I came to collect her she was asleep in a travel cot with a pillow! I told them this wasn't safe and again got the 'we did it when you were a baby' ect. But they did remove it.

I'm sure this is an argument a lot of us have with our parents. But was I too harsh for saying this?

People are saying that about her attitude not the car seat safety IMO.

Personally I would switch to a forward facing seat. Not a booster but a full seat with side impact protection. You say you would rather she is sick, but if they are in the front and she is in the back would you seriously like to keep risking she chokes on her own vomit?

Rear facing is safer - fine.
But rear facing is likely to be contributing to car sickness.
If the child is in a proper car seat (either front or rear facing) it’s my view that it is not worth falling out with grandparents.

Your parents sound sensible. You seem to be taking the health and safety to an extreme level.

It would be safest not to travel in a car at all I guess, yet we all still do.

YABU Your child's comfort, wellbeing and risk of choking should be factors in your decision making. You don't seem to care about any of that, just stubbornly want to stick to your way or the highway.
Your parents must be incredibly frustrated with you. Also expecting them to clean up vomit every time they take her out is revolting. That poor child.

@notthetinderswindler @IdiotSandwich05 I apologise for getting you confused with each other. It is difficult to keep track when the op deregistered and came back with a new name halfway through the thread.

I stand by whatever I've said, though.

This

Your child, your rules. It IS safer, I’m not going to judge anyone for going with whatever the legal requirement is, but ultimately it’s safety and it’s your kid so your choice. Where I live (US) rear facing is required legally for much longer and the “trend” is to keep kids rear facing basically as long as you can win the argument with them but I think some physical development happens at 4 (spine fusing or something?) so a lot of people seem to aim for that.

I had EXACTLY the same disagreement with my parents, ultimately they only drive her on low speed (25mph) roads in slow traffic so I decided it wasn’t the hill I was going to die on but it pissed me off because DD PREFERS to be rear facing because she can cross her legs and keep a book in her lap more comfortably. We have tried to turn her around several times (she’s 4) and she does not want to. It came to a head when they tried to put her in a puffy coat to get in the car and she refused several times, ending with her screaming NANNY SAYS WE DO NOT WEAR COATS IN CAR SEATS, and throwing it across the hall. Her nanny was hot on car safety, parents stopped trying to put the coat on.

DD also got very annoyed the one time they took her on a long car journey and begged to be switched to rear facing because it was less comfy.

My parents have literally no logic to the FF, other than my dad seems to think it’s some kind of judgement on his parenting… I’ve said several times we just have more information now.

My eldest managed to rear face until 41/2 in an extended rear facing seat. She really was out of it by then though as was very tall and did become uncomfortable for her - not so much her legs but the seat area itself. There is no way she could have lasted until 6/7.

We had the maxway plus which (unlike a previous poster) could only fit behind our passenger seat and not behind my husband if he was driving. My youngest is dinky and still in her 18kg seat happily rear facing. I am a big advocate for rear facing but I do think the OP is taking an extreme position and I would have let the issue go with grandparents for a short journey especially with a child suffering from car sickness. Vomiting is in and of itself a massive distraction and could be something that increases the chances of a crash in the first place. Forward facing would almost certainly reduce the nausea.

I'm really sorry you're being made out to be an overly anxious mum who doesn't care that her child gets travel sick. I definitely don't think myoure being unreasonable. Extended rear facing is so much safer. Yes travel sickness is awful but I agree I would rather my child be sick than be at greater risk from serious injury or death in a car crash. I had travel sickness as a child whilst facing forward it isn't an automatic solution.

I wouldn't let either of my children travel in a car ff until they had outgrown their 25kg rf seat.

Of course there we times we had differences but I let them get on with it, they had their own kids and are grown ups. What Im saying is that you are coming across as very OTT and inflexible. You can disagree politely.

I agree. My FIL delights in doing exactly what we don't (and we're pretty relaxed about ms things). We didn't let our kids have coke when they were little, he told them "you can have whatever you want when you're with us" (I had to laugh when my son told me).

He's done numerous things that I've had to bite my tongue and ignore, partly as he did them to be provocative. Pretty much the only time I've intervened was when he insisted on holding my 12 month old son with one arm over the rails of a balcony one storey above the concrete side of a swimming pool as I was concerned that he might drop him if my son wriggled. Even then he ignored me.

This is one I'd let go. I treasured my relationship with my grandparents and the chance of a serious accident to a child of that age driving around local roads is minimal. Providing stats isn't going to help, I'd just leave it and take advantage of the free childcare.

@red4321 Have you got my FIL? He tried to 'cool' down 4 month old DD with licks of his ice lolly and takes great delight in telling me how he's been teaching the 3yo to use power tools. (Luckily I know he is vigilant and safe with the playing, if a little carefree about weaning/sugar for infants)

They have a point about FF helping with car sickness. It's best if the sufferer can look out at the horizon.

Have you got my FIL? He tried to 'cool' down 4 month old DD with licks of his ice lolly and takes great delight in telling me how he's been teaching the 3yo to use power tools. (Luckily I know he is vigilant and safe with the playing, if a little carefree about weaning/sugar for infants)

I would have said that they broke the mould when they made my FIL but it sounds as if they are very much cut from the same cloth! It's an active decision to break our rules (which are very limited) for no other reason than because he can. Luckily I have a sense of humour about it. Mostly...

I'm with you op she is only 14kg and most importantly your and get dad want her rf. My son RF in any car he went into until we decided to FF.

This thread is insane! Of course you’re not being an abusive parent nor torturing nor do I think you don’t care about her travel sickness. On balance, RF is safer but the risk of a serious collision is low and her relationship with her family is really important. I extended RF (until aged 4) and people judged me but if we went in other peoples cars, I did allow earlier FF. You have to be pragmatic about it.

I think most people would be agreeing with the op, if it wasn’t for the motion sickness issue. That’s the crucial difference here.

Quite. No one called her abusive either and all reference to ‘torture’ was entirely in relation to the sensation of prolonged nausea and a refusal to consider FF in case it helped.

My morning sickness made me suicidal, as did once being stuck on a ship with intense sea sickness. It felt like torture.

You haven't said if this is for motorway journeys or just around town? All things considered I would let her ff with them. I'd be grateful they are taking her out.

YABU. I thought your DD was going to be much younger when I read your subject line. I think recent research has shown the safety of RF versus FF is negligible after a certain age, definitely younger than 3.5.

I understand she is your PFB, I kept my PFB rear facing until he was 2, but my PSB got horribly car sick like your DD and I turned him when he was about 16 months. The car sickness magically stopped!

I think there’s an opportunity for her to be distracted from motion sickness FF looking at & chatting w her grandparents. Clearly it’s making the whole thing a bit rubbish for them all.

She’s not a “baby” let go of the helicopter parenting. She’s a person too.

If that’s your hill to die on, then it’s your hill to die on.
Personal opinion is that with the car sickness, she would be better off FF but she’s not my child. My own children rear faced until they were about 8, except the one who was car sick. (Two back rows of seats, and one of those faced backwards, so children were facing each other).
I would be concerned about my child’s comfort on long journeys, if their legs are cramped, and a lack of social interaction, and her choking on vomit, unless you sit in the back with her. But at the end of the day, like I said, if it’s your hill to die on, then that’s your choice.
What you DON’T get to do, is complain when other people remove themselves from you and your daughters lives as a result.
In this particular situation, she will be unlikely to go anywhere with nursery friends etc, and her interaction with your parents will be reduced. But in the future, you may have difficult choices to make about a lot of things. Do you want to be the helicopter parent? Or will you be able to you take a step back to look at the wider picture than the immediate physical safety of your child - which may mean that she doesn’t get the chance to learn things for herself.

Then why are you asking your question as you say your rules

My daughter gets car sick and we turned her round when she was 2 and it helped with that. Personally I would be concerned about her choking on the vomit and not being properly able to keep an eye on her. If you feel nauseous in a car then it is infinitely better to be able to see where you're going. I don't know the stats but she's prob more likely to be sick and choke than you are to crash. And she's 3.5 - this isn't a baby we're talking about.

So firstly - my daughter was very far sick when rear facing and it made a massive difference to face forward.

Your child your choice but by age 3.5 a forward facing isofix 5 point car seat seems reasonable. At age 2 less so….

No way to to booster seat or even a high back booster.