To tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they forward face her

[IdiotSandwich05]

Would I be unreasonable to tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they're going to forward face her?

This is NOT meant to turn into a debate about car seats and rear-facing vs forward-facing.

So my daughter is 3.5 and been rear facing since birth and still is. Her rear facing car seat goes up to 25kg and she's only 14kg so I plan on keeping her in it for the foreseeable. My parents have mentioned forward facing her loads of times, (since she was about 18 months!), but it's happening a lot more often recently. They keep saying they're going to buy her a booster seat, I asked why and what's wrong with the car seat we got them and they say her legs are too long and she looks uncomfortable in it 🙄 they also mention that she's quite badly car sick and forward facing would help it. She DOES get car sick but I'm not sure wether FF would do anything and tbh I'd rather she was sick but was safer than not sick but less safe!

They even say they know it's safer to RF! Yet are still constantly mentioning FF 🙄 When I try and show them studies, car seat safety tests, even news articles ect they just laugh and tell me to stop Googling stuff and they did it with me and I survived blah blah. Really bloody frustrating.

Well it came to a head the other day and I lost my temper and flat out told them she was going to continue RF and if they couldn't respect that they weren't taking her out in their car. They can still see her of course, just not actually take her anywhere in the car if they're going to FF.

Well my mum has now called me ridiculous and isn't talking to me 🙄 she says I'm 'over the top' with safety and need to relax a bit! I think SHE'S being ridiculous but I don't know if I was a little harsh?

I should say that this isn't the first time we've argued over safety or lack of it! One time they watched her when she was 8 months old, and when I came to collect her she was asleep in a travel cot with a pillow! I told them this wasn't safe and again got the 'we did it when you were a baby' ect. But they did remove it.

I'm sure this is an argument a lot of us have with our parents. But was I too harsh for saying this?

FF is NOT the miracle cure for motion sickness. I still get it despite obviously not rear facing. Whenever I've taken my daughter on the bus she's always been ill, despite not being in a car seat and forward facing. Clearly RF is not the cause of her motion sickness.

Funnily enough she is absolutely fine on trains, even facing backwards.

Because of this we try and take the train whenever possible but of course that's not always practical and can be expensive.

YANBU. Rear facing is much safer, and 3.5 is young for a booster seat (as opposed to at least a FF harnessed seat).

More importantly, there's no evidence that FF actually helps car sickness. My husband wanted to switch our daughter to FF sooner, but I was FF as a child and I was regularly car sick, so I preferred the safer option.

We finally made the switch at 5, and on our first longish journey last weekend she was sick 3 times... the last time we went (similar time of day and similar food, but rear facing) she was only sick once!

It was also harder to watch her for signs of sickness.

But that aside, you're the parent and so it's your decision. Thankfully my parents have always humoured me and used whatever car seat I felt most comfortable with, and I don't think it's an unreasonable expectation... especially when they already have the seat in question!

Have you tried being in a car sitting backwards, though? If you do you might find that although you still get travel sick going forward it is helping, because it's so much worse backwards. I am quite prone to motion sickness and the only way I am certain not to get it is if I drive, but I once sat in a seat going backwards (one of those cars that has extra seats going backwards behind the normal back seats) and it was so awful I had to ask the driver to stop.

@BloodAndFire I am not the OP.

I think the main problem here is not about the car seat but about them not respecting your wishes when they are actually not unreasonable requests, from the get go.
It seems like your parents are still trying to parent you, and you have not made it clear to them that you are an adult and a parent and they don’t get to overrule you.
They especially don’t get to laugh at you and call you over the top.
Personally I went front facing age 2 with dd after weighing up various factors, but that’s not the point, the point is your parents’ lack of support of you.
I am your age and I reckon a lot of the posters are older with grandchildren and are calling you unreasonable because they also think our generation is silly!

This …sorry but your thread is pointless! I said earlier on the thread that the risk of choking on vomit is far higher than child dying in an accident,along with so many other people! Carry on with your view…that’s fine but don’t bully your parents into agreeing with you .

@Shouldawouldacoulda30 the thread devolved from that to people accusing me of bloody torturing my child and I felt I had to defend myself. The sheer amount of vitriol and anger directed at me was quite overwhelming.

I am not bullying my parents at all. Simply stating my rules as my DDs mother and it's up to them if they want to respect them or not. I'm not saying they cannot see her at all, nor have I ever said that.

I am your age and I reckon a lot of the posters are older with grandchildren and are calling you unreasonable because they also think our generation is silly!

You are claiming that 73% of people on this thread are 'older' grandparents. That's a bit ageist and quite unlikely.

I don't think I have ever seen a child that age in a RF car seat. You are being OTT, and I fear for your poor child - are you going to be at the school every hour of the day to make sure they are doing everything according to your parenting book?

But surely that's because buses are just more prone to give people motion sickness than cars?! There's a hierarchy in how bad each form of transport is. Trains are generally the best (least motion sickness), buses are amongst the worst, much worse than cars.

So back on the black and white then. Most think you're BU. Some through disagreeing with your overall point and some through the effect it might have on future relations compared to the minimal possibility of an accident.

What do you intend to do?

Sorry,I have been busy all afternoon,weirdly picking grandchild up FF I am afraid,driving around for her to nap . Maybe you should just stick to your guns but personally think it must be hard for your parents when with the greatest respect they have their own concern about child safety . Maybe just talk to them rather than MN !
I worked in AE for over 20 years and can honestly say that the few deaths we dealt with involving children were harrowing .I have never forgotten them ,but the children involved were choking episodes sadly about one incident a year and two RTA where non of the occupants survived .
I personally am absolutely obsessed with grapes and absolutely no way will a child in my care ever have a grape on my watch !

@onlythreenow because being in a car and being at school are totally comparable. Now who's being ludicrous?

@Shouldawouldacoulda30 I bet that a few years ago you would have been told you were being OTT for worrying about grapes. Times and research change and so do recommendations along with them. So sorry you experienced that.

Weirdly ILs are totally respectful of my decision to RF DD... but they think I'm totally bonkers for cutting up her grapes.

People don't seem to realise that IT IS RECOMMENDED TO REAR FACE UNTIL AT LEAST 4. It's not some arbitrary figure I've pulled out of my arse. Yes you can legally FF much younger but that doesn't mean that it's safe. It is DEMONSTRABLY AND UNEQUIVOCALLY SAFER TO RF. To be honest yes, safety trumps comfort. Many things we do with our children can make them uncomfortable or cause unpleasant side effects but we still do them because ultimately it is the safest for them. A lot of the diseases vaccines protect against are now quite rare, but that doesn't mean we stop vaccinating against them. Serious car accidents are rare, so yeah let's just not bother with seat belts 🤷‍♀️

Your child your rules, also not necessarily RF that makes her sick.

My younger who's now 5 gets car sick easily, he's been RF until very recently. We had so many comments on how he should be FF to avoid the sickness. He's FF now as he's overgrown his old seat and still does vom every time unless he takes his meds...

Unfortunatly people get hung up on graped and forget about advice being on anything tgat size....carrot rings, sausages, tomatoes, large blueberries, etc.... and that children can choke on all foods....just saying .....my pereonal one is sticks, pencils, toithbrushes, recorders in mouths of childrrn walking around...child fell on recorder went through roof of mouth and into brain.

Thanks....not that i could get one to fit my non isofix car, best i can get is 18kg jole

Under 2 yanbu.... at 3.5, yabu. If she is being car sick in their vehicle you are asking quite a lot that they not try FF a 3.5 yo.

Serious car accidents in the UK are actually pretty rare considering the numbers of cars on the roads. Most serious crashes do not involve grandparents with grandchildren, they mostly involve younger drivers. Pottering about with the grandchildren rarely involves zooming along at over 60mph for hours on end. I'd be more worried about the vomiting in the back distracting the driver and making the child anxious about travelling.

“To be honest yes, safety trumps comfort.”

So well-being is secondary? Your poor DD going through the nausea and sickness, and your poor parents having to deal with an upset vomiting child because you won’t concede on a FF seat! This constant travel sickness could have longer lasting effects on how she copes with travel in the future, it sounds like Pavlovian conditioning.

The 25kg RF seats can usually be fitted away from the back of the seat to allow for more leg room. So the child’s feet can rest on the actual seat rather than the back of the seat (if that makes sense)?! The seat is fitted further towards the driver/passenger seat so they have more room. If you picture their feet resting where your bum would go if you were sat normally in the back of the car!

Yeah if you've got a fucking huge car and no one in front seat.

DH & are both tall, with two kids. We could not fit any 25kg RF seat behind DH without him having his knees crushed in against the dashboard with the seat back as upright as it would go. He could barely get in at all with the car installed.

I feel like you’ve really latched on to the terminology I used once. I’m not sure why. You’re obviously extremely comfortable with your choice to RF your child for as long as possible. That’s fine. Tell the grandparents that it’s RF or they can do one. That’s how you feel so do it. Own that.

However, your child suffers vehemently with motion sickness, something that is known to be worsened by travelling backwards. As you say, travelling forwards is not necessarily a cure, but it could be. It’s not for you, but it could be for your daughter. You wouldn’t know as you’ve never tried. Being trapped in a situation known to worsen an appalling feeling such as nausea is torturous. I’ve been trapped on a boat with severe sea sickness and I begged someone to kill me. Begged them. It was torture.

And so I think you are being really unreasonable to not try your little girl travelling forward, at least once, to see if it makes her feel better.

Internal decapitation is desperately unlikely. But you’re making her endure every single car journey feeling desperately nauseous and I don’t think that’s right.

But, your decision, your kid. Flapping and deleting your account on here because you’re so ‘enraged’ isn’t helping though, but it does suggest that you feel so strongly about this so why are you even questioning it? Tell the grandparents it’s your way or nothing.