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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they forward face her

701 replies

IdiotSandwich05 · 28/10/2022 11:17

Would I be unreasonable to tell my parents they can't take my daughter out if they're going to forward face her?

This is NOT meant to turn into a debate about car seats and rear-facing vs forward-facing.

So my daughter is 3.5 and been rear facing since birth and still is. Her rear facing car seat goes up to 25kg and she's only 14kg so I plan on keeping her in it for the foreseeable. My parents have mentioned forward facing her loads of times, (since she was about 18 months!), but it's happening a lot more often recently. They keep saying they're going to buy her a booster seat, I asked why and what's wrong with the car seat we got them and they say her legs are too long and she looks uncomfortable in it 🙄 they also mention that she's quite badly car sick and forward facing would help it. She DOES get car sick but I'm not sure wether FF would do anything and tbh I'd rather she was sick but was safer than not sick but less safe!

They even say they know it's safer to RF! Yet are still constantly mentioning FF 🙄 When I try and show them studies, car seat safety tests, even news articles ect they just laugh and tell me to stop Googling stuff and they did it with me and I survived blah blah. Really bloody frustrating.

Well it came to a head the other day and I lost my temper and flat out told them she was going to continue RF and if they couldn't respect that they weren't taking her out in their car. They can still see her of course, just not actually take her anywhere in the car if they're going to FF.

Well my mum has now called me ridiculous and isn't talking to me 🙄 she says I'm 'over the top' with safety and need to relax a bit! I think SHE'S being ridiculous but I don't know if I was a little harsh?

I should say that this isn't the first time we've argued over safety or lack of it! One time they watched her when she was 8 months old, and when I came to collect her she was asleep in a travel cot with a pillow! I told them this wasn't safe and again got the 'we did it when you were a baby' ect. But they did remove it.

I'm sure this is an argument a lot of us have with our parents. But was I too harsh for saying this?

OP posts:
Badnewsoracle · 28/10/2022 22:04

AloysiusBear · 28/10/2022 21:52

The 25kg RF seats can usually be fitted away from the back of the seat to allow for more leg room. So the child’s feet can rest on the actual seat rather than the back of the seat (if that makes sense)?! The seat is fitted further towards the driver/passenger seat so they have more room. If you picture their feet resting where your bum would go if you were sat normally in the back of the car!

Yeah if you've got a fucking huge car and no one in front seat.

DH & are both tall, with two kids. We could not fit any 25kg RF seat behind DH without him having his knees crushed in against the dashboard with the seat back as upright as it would go. He could barely get in at all with the car installed.

We have an average size car. Our rear facing seat is behind the passenger seat, which is as far back as it goes. The rear facing seat is very compact, even in an extended legroom position. Takes up less space than the baby carseat.

Also, for a forward facing carseat to be safe, there needs to be 53cm from the back of the passenger seat to the seat in front, otherwise the child risks getting thrown in to the seat in front and crushed.

Herejustforthisone · 28/10/2022 22:05

IdiotSandwich12 · 28/10/2022 21:41

People don't seem to realise that IT IS RECOMMENDED TO REAR FACE UNTIL AT LEAST 4. It's not some arbitrary figure I've pulled out of my arse. Yes you can legally FF much younger but that doesn't mean that it's safe. It is DEMONSTRABLY AND UNEQUIVOCALLY SAFER TO RF. To be honest yes, safety trumps comfort. Many things we do with our children can make them uncomfortable or cause unpleasant side effects but we still do them because ultimately it is the safest for them. A lot of the diseases vaccines protect against are now quite rare, but that doesn't mean we stop vaccinating against them. Serious car accidents are rare, so yeah let's just not bother with seat belts 🤷‍♀️

Why are you asking then? If you wanted an echo chamber, go to the Facebook groups.

Revolvingwhore · 28/10/2022 22:08

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notthetinderswindler · 28/10/2022 22:13

Why do you have to be so offensive towards others whose views differ from your own. Sure we won't always agree with the opinions and choices of others, but there are far more diplomatic ways to get your point across.

notthetinderswindler · 28/10/2022 22:14

notthetinderswindler · 28/10/2022 22:13

Why do you have to be so offensive towards others whose views differ from your own. Sure we won't always agree with the opinions and choices of others, but there are far more diplomatic ways to get your point across.

In response to @Revolvingwhore 's post above.

AloysiusBear · 28/10/2022 22:15

We have an average size car. Our rear facing seat is behind the passenger seat, which is as far back as it goes. The rear facing seat is very compact, even in an extended legroom position. Takes up less space than the baby carseat.

What seat & what car, and how tall a passenger do you have in front? All i can go on is what i saw which is that the 25kg seats simply didn't fit in, fitted properly, behind 6ft 3 DH.

Revolvingwhore · 28/10/2022 22:20

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Hugasauras · 28/10/2022 22:27

We have a C3 and a Sportage. DH is 6ft 4 and can travel as a passenger in the C3 with an ERF seat behind him and DD(3.5) in it. He doesn't have loads of leg room, but he's a 6ft 4 18 stone man in a C3 so not exactly a shocker. He doesn't have much room even when there are no seats in!

In the Sportage we have two ERF seats fitted and he can fit fine in either front seat.

25kg ERF seats are pretty compact. The Maxway Plus for example is more compact than some of the 18kg seats, especially the really popular spin/360 seats.

Onceuponawhileago · 28/10/2022 22:28

I have just happened on this thread...oh my.
Both my kids had forward facing seats from day one.
The bigger issue here OP is that you will have to have relationships with your PIL and Parents for a long time.
My PIL are in their 70's and they have helped us so much with our kids who are now 12 and 15.
Of course there we times we had differences but I let them get on with it, they had their own kids and are grown ups. What Im saying is that you are coming across as very OTT and inflexible. You can disagree politely.
Dont fight with your parents over something so absolutely stupid as this. The risks are so low as people pointed out.
GP are so important for kids, try and find the middle ground or you will turn them off seeing you. Life is short and this is probably not the hill to die on.

Revolvingwhore · 28/10/2022 22:30

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Blocked · 28/10/2022 22:30

Shouldawouldacoulda30 · 28/10/2022 21:26

Sorry,I have been busy all afternoon,weirdly picking grandchild up FF I am afraid,driving around for her to nap . Maybe you should just stick to your guns but personally think it must be hard for your parents when with the greatest respect they have their own concern about child safety . Maybe just talk to them rather than MN !
I worked in AE for over 20 years and can honestly say that the few deaths we dealt with involving children were harrowing .I have never forgotten them ,but the children involved were choking episodes sadly about one incident a year and two RTA where non of the occupants survived .
I personally am absolutely obsessed with grapes and absolutely no way will a child in my care ever have a grape on my watch !

I'm like that about mini eggs

BigSandyBalls2015 · 28/10/2022 22:42

I’m trying to picture a 3.5 year old in a rear facing car seat …. where do her legs go!!

Hugasauras · 28/10/2022 22:45

She just has them bent and feet resting on seat back. Far bigger kids than her can fit comfortably in rearfacing seats! She has plenty of room to grow still Smile She will outgrow it on weight before height.

autienotnaughty · 28/10/2022 22:50

Do people not realise that rear facing can literally save a child's life? In a number of countries it's normal to rear face well into childhood and those that do have very low mortality rates for children in car accidents. Just because it's not the norm here doesn't mean it's wrong. Absolutely stick to your guns.

Hugasauras · 28/10/2022 22:53

This girl is bigger than my DD, so it gives a good idea of an older child in an ERF seat. There are lots of other positions they can put their legs in too, and bonus is no dangling feet, which can be uncomfy for them.

Hugasauras · 28/10/2022 22:56

Also my DD is 3.5 and has never expressed an interest in FF or any discomfort about her seat (and we do 3-4-hour journeys pretty regularly). The only time she's mentioned RFing is when I had to travel in the back once and she told me I was sitting the wrong way round Grin

Most kids just accept that that's just the way it is.

NCFT0922 · 28/10/2022 23:13

@Hugasauras bottom left photo is making my knees hurt just looking at it 😑🤮 all I can think is her little legs snapping.
i think legs “dangling” would be a lot more comfortable than locked legs on the back of a seat.

YellowTreeHouse · 28/10/2022 23:18

@NCFT0922 It looks uncomfortable to you because your bones are fused, and it would be uncomfortable to you.

It is not uncomfortable to children because their vertebrae doesn’t turn into solid rings until between the ages of 4-6.

Herejustforthisone · 28/10/2022 23:18

Oh my god, the leather.

Hugasauras · 28/10/2022 23:19

It's actually more likely to break legs forward facing due to the forces involved in collisions.

axkid.com/uk/articles/rear-facing-myths-their-legs-are-at-risk-of-breaking/

AloysiusBear · 28/10/2022 23:21

DH is 6ft 4 and can travel as a passenger in the C3 with an ERF seat behind him and DD(3.5) in it.

I am genuinely curious what seat you physically managed this, unless you had it in the centre to allow you to use the space between seats (not possible if you have two children needing seats.

Hugasauras · 28/10/2022 23:23

It's a Britax Maxway Plus and no not in centre as I have a baby carrier on the other side (plus it can't be fitted in centre in the C3).

Badnewsoracle · 28/10/2022 23:51

AloysiusBear · 28/10/2022 22:15

We have an average size car. Our rear facing seat is behind the passenger seat, which is as far back as it goes. The rear facing seat is very compact, even in an extended legroom position. Takes up less space than the baby carseat.

What seat & what car, and how tall a passenger do you have in front? All i can go on is what i saw which is that the 25kg seats simply didn't fit in, fitted properly, behind 6ft 3 DH.

Honda jazz and a britax two way elite. You can also fit 2 of those seats AND a baby car seat or Joie stages rear facing 3 across the back seat of a jazz.

I'm now driving a zafira and have the two way elite behind the driver's seat and an axkid mini kid behind the passenger. The passenger seat is fully back (the driver's seat could be but DH and I don't drive with it all the way back).

Badnewsoracle · 28/10/2022 23:54

BigSandyBalls2015 · 28/10/2022 22:42

I’m trying to picture a 3.5 year old in a rear facing car seat …. where do her legs go!!

Mine (3&6) cross their legs or 'frog' them. I put my eldest forward facing in a high back booster however he complains it hurts his legs on long journeys because his legs dangle so he goes rear facing if we're going any distance - his choice (though not for much longer as he's 23kg & 115cm now)

Bluedabadeeba · 28/10/2022 23:55

I'm actually very shocked at the amount of people saying YABU. I can only assume it's because they aren't up to date with the research/case studies etc. I'd be the same as you and cut out ANY car rides whatsoever. Your child's safety is paramount and no kind of discussion would convince me otherwise!