To not want my baby at work?

[Chloe0500]

Hey!

I'm really sorry this may be quite long as I feel I need to give context on the situation for you to fully understand where I'm coming from. I'll add a TLDR at the bottom.

I'm currently 29 weeks pregnant with my first baby and am a support worker for adults with physical disabilities, learning disabilities etc. The place I work consists of 8 very large attached houses with around 12 residents living in each and we as support workers are there 24/7 helping them with their daily lives. Some need more support than others, some go out to work every day, are completely independent but just need support with managing illnesses etc.

Anyway when I found out I was pregnant I had to tell my manager at 7 weeks due to some houses having more challenging behaviour and I was hit in the stomach. We then had to have a meeting with a few other staff members who work in that house so that they knew why I had to leave if any signs of that behaviour came around. It was specifically said in that meeting that I didn't want any other colleagues or residents knowing about the pregnancy as I was so early on and just wanted to keep it to myself anyway. But the next day I walked in and a resident asked me if it was true I'm pregnant! This really annoyed me as the resident told me that a certain colleague had gone round telling all residents straight after that meeting and the full community now knew about it. From then on, I couldn't enter any houses without people whispering about me etc.

Fast forward to now, I've made the decision I want my baby kept completely private from my work since im there as a professional, not a friend. I told my colleagues and manager this. Then I went for a 4D scan and came back to work and my colleague on shift wanted to see the pictures. I got one up on my phone and showed him and he shouted "everyone come look at the baby!" And showed all the residents the scan picture. I know this was an innocent gesture and they are just happy for me but I just feel like this is my private life and I keep being robbed of experiences I should be sharing, not other people.

A few residents have asked me if I'm going to bring the baby into work so everyone can see her and I keep making excuses such as "covid is still around and it'll be flu/cold season so I don't want the baby being around so many people" but they always have responses such as "we can come to your house and see her so not many people are there", "we can see her outside" etc. There's also one resident who used to help out in a nursery and keeps saying things like "I can't wait until she's born, I'll take her for walks and change her nappy and give her bottles" and I don't have the heart to tell her she'll never meet my baby due to her mind being of a 15-16 year old (she's in her 40s) and I know it'll upset her.

Not only this, one of my main duties is encouraging residents to maintain personal hygiene. I even struggle to get some of them to shower, wash or brush their teeth daily before they go to work!

And now other members of staff are reassuring residents I'll be bringing baby in to meet them and when I privately tell them otherwise, they make out like I'm evil and shouldn't be in this job if I don't want to share every detail of my private life with them! Some even have residents over to their homes for a cup of tea etc and that's just not me at all. I like to keep my home life seperate. They all already know where I live, my partners full name, his line of work, my parents names and occupations, all my pets names. I just want this one thing for myself. I constantly have residents coming up to me and touching my bump too and I feel awful telling them not to but it just isn't professional and I don't like it in general.

So AIBU for wanting this? Does this make me a bad support worker? I feel like I shouldn't be annoyed like I am and I feel so guilty for it.

TLDR: AIBU for wanting to keep my baby away from residents I support? Main reasons are: They very rarely shower and don't wash hands after using the toilet, I want to maintain professional boundaries, they already know everything about my private life, this is my first baby and I want her for myself anyway, covid is still a thing. In other lines of work, babies are not allowed to be brought in so why is it different because of my role?

Once again, sorry it's so long. I just want you to understand the situation.

Thanks!

Its fine if you don't want this. However other than the first instance, it sounds like you have offered up the information. E.g 4d scan, details of your parents.

When the first colleague broke confidentially and told everyone, why didn't you raise a formal complaint?

When other colleague asked to see scan (how did they even know?) Why didn't you decline? When hey called others over, why didn't you turn off your phone?

It just sounds like you are being very passive but then still getting upset.

I completely understand. Some of Your colleagues seem to have no boundaries. Maybe just say what you've said here in a way they'd all understand?
You can say tutor mmm you won't bring the baby as age hasn't had her injections yet , that will give you a bit more thinking time.
Also , don't have too much communication when on mat leave.

The place sounds generally very unprofessional. But keep standing up for yourself now, give very few details during mat leave and just parrot 'This is where I work, not where I bring my child' once baby arrives

Stop sharing any details of your private life. You should be able to just mention it to colleagues but it seems these colleagues are unreasonable.

Carry on asking people to not touch you.

Keep talking to your manager, they have a duty to male sure you are safe.

I think your title is misleading. It infers you'd have to take your baby in whilst you work. You just don't want to take her in for people to see.

To be honest I think you are being unreasonable. The job you have chosen by nature means that the residents feel some connection to you, more so than any other kind of employee/client relationship. They are excited and happy for you. To not take the baby in to show them once born feels a bit mean. If you don't like them having anything much to do with you then maybe you're in the wrong job.

It's a person not a show and tell prop

Just don't talk about it! Why even say you've been for a scan of you don't want to show pictures? And just don't go in with the baby.

It seems kind of odd to me not to take your baby in and show them off. This has been the norm everywhere I've worked and I've cooed over countless babies.

However if you don't want to that's your prerogative. Just stop sharing stuff if you don't want people involved. It does sound a bit like you're being a bit PFB already though. If it's just a hygiene issue you could say ok you can meet them but only if you wash your hands first. It's not that though, really, is it?

I’m with you, OP. I completely understand your perspective.

Unfortunately, by talking about a 4D scan etc at work, you have inadvertently invited more internet. I know that it will be difficult, you will need to reintroduce stricter boundaries with both your colleagues and the residents.

Stop offering ANY pregnancy related information and respond to any questions with ‘fine, thank you’ or ‘so kind of you to take an interest, oh look, is that the time?’ type responses.

I’d also flag this up to your manager - you’d originally wanted to keep it quieter but a colleague blabbed to the residents and now the pregnancy related attention is both uncomfortable and a distraction from your professional duties. Perhaps the manager can remind everyone about privacy and professionalism and boundaries.

Remember that you get to set your own boundaries. If a colleague does that for you, they are not your boundaries!

I don't think it's the norm to bring your baby to show off to the people that you're supporting no. I don't think that's odd at all. Maybe if you work in an office or somewhere you can be confident there will be no challenging behaviour but not usually in client facing roles.

I don't think that's odd either.

You can't support people and look after a baby at the same time.

And on your days off you will be too busy.

However if the OP randomly meets a resident or colleague on the street then yes she should say hello, show the baby, say that they can't hold the baby because she is just trying to get to sleep or whatever, and then make an excuse to leave.

Absolutely don’t take your baby in. Apart from anything else, people who you may not want to hold her may want a cuddle, and it sounds like saying “no” might be tricky. There can always be an excuse not to. Definitely don’t say that you will, either, as it sounds like that might be used against you. You’ve got this.

Having worked in a similar place YANBU at all to not take the baby in OP. I think people are forgetting this supported living, there is a reason the residents are living there. I think you would struggle to keep hold of the baby and not have them passed around, colleagues take them to show people etc and with the potentially violent behaviour of some residents I wouldn’t want my baby there. I work in a school now and took my first DC in but only on a training day when there were no students in.

Also, it sounds extremely unprofessional. Staff shouldn’t be having residents round to their homes for tea, they shouldn’t even know their address! They’re really leaving themselves wide open for someone to make an allegation about them there and it wouldn’t look good for them if they resident was actually in their home! Definitely keep your boundaries, I think some people struggle to maintain them in these kind of workplaces but it’s still important, you aren’t their friend.

You can't support people and look after a baby at the same time.

Nobody does it on a work day! They're on mat leave!

This for me too. You need to establish your boundaries, rather than get upset after the fact.

Just don't take the baby in. At my work most people take their babies in once they are born - I never have and I've had 3 DC. The last place I want to go is to work when I'm on mat leave!! I'm sure a couple of my colleagues think I'm odd but so be it. If people ask if you're bringing in the baby just be non committal and then when he or she is born, simply don't do it. Once you're back at work, if people ask, just say 'oh the baby is with granny/dad/at nursery so not today...' and change the subject. Bright and breezy, don't be horrible, don't engage in arguments and just don't do it.

Why are you talking about the pregnancy if you don’t want others to talk about it? How did your colleague know you had a 4D scan if you’re keeping the pregnancy strictly private?

Just don’t talk about it and when it comes up, say you’ll see how it goes and leave it there. When residents get excited, smile and that’s it. No one is going to force you to bring your child in.

I agree with some of the other posters. Why talk about it if you don't want to share it?
Also when you work in that sort of role the residents do see you as family so they would feel hurt if they knew how you felt about them.
After all you know everything about them and they just want to get to know you.

I think you're being quite precious to be honest. I'm a FTM and also currently 29 weeks. There are people that I'm not keen on holding my baby once he's here but I will let them briefly once because it will make them very happy and will be a fleeting part in mine or the babies day.
If you wanted to keep it all private with boundaries you should have been like that from the start.

That being said your baby your choice I suppose

You take your baby in for an hour, people give baby cuddle, you chat about work stuff, maybe cup of tea and then home.
They’re not expecting to keep the kid as a mascot.
If you hate it there that much, maybe look for another job whilst you are on mat leave?

I'd say no, just keep making excuses until mat leave is over. It doesn't sound like your colleagues have good boundaries and you just need to accept that and don't tell them anything if you can help it.

It's normal for people to show an interest in a colleague's pregnancy, especially when it's the colleague who gives the information to start with.
It's also the norm to take the child in once, usually when you are saying thank you for the present you have received. After that it wouldn't be appropriate for the people in your workplace to want your baby there, and it's unlikely to happen.

It's absolutely fine to not take your baby. When baby arrives send a printed photo and a card/letter that the residents can look at - I think that would be a kindness. They will soon move on in a few weeks to being interested in something else.

PS some of your comments about your service users are a little unpleasant and give the impression you care little about their needs and understand less about their motivations.

The boundaries at this place are horrendous, I wouldn’t be able to cope with how staff don’t seem to give a fuck about privacy or dignity of other staff. Its a safeguarding disaster waiting to happen and in all honesty I would look for another job with professional colleagues. I can’t believe the residents know where you live and visit other staff at home this is seriously unsafe.

She doesn't want to.