To not want my baby at work?

[Chloe0500]

Hey!

I'm really sorry this may be quite long as I feel I need to give context on the situation for you to fully understand where I'm coming from. I'll add a TLDR at the bottom.

I'm currently 29 weeks pregnant with my first baby and am a support worker for adults with physical disabilities, learning disabilities etc. The place I work consists of 8 very large attached houses with around 12 residents living in each and we as support workers are there 24/7 helping them with their daily lives. Some need more support than others, some go out to work every day, are completely independent but just need support with managing illnesses etc.

Anyway when I found out I was pregnant I had to tell my manager at 7 weeks due to some houses having more challenging behaviour and I was hit in the stomach. We then had to have a meeting with a few other staff members who work in that house so that they knew why I had to leave if any signs of that behaviour came around. It was specifically said in that meeting that I didn't want any other colleagues or residents knowing about the pregnancy as I was so early on and just wanted to keep it to myself anyway. But the next day I walked in and a resident asked me if it was true I'm pregnant! This really annoyed me as the resident told me that a certain colleague had gone round telling all residents straight after that meeting and the full community now knew about it. From then on, I couldn't enter any houses without people whispering about me etc.

Fast forward to now, I've made the decision I want my baby kept completely private from my work since im there as a professional, not a friend. I told my colleagues and manager this. Then I went for a 4D scan and came back to work and my colleague on shift wanted to see the pictures. I got one up on my phone and showed him and he shouted "everyone come look at the baby!" And showed all the residents the scan picture. I know this was an innocent gesture and they are just happy for me but I just feel like this is my private life and I keep being robbed of experiences I should be sharing, not other people.

A few residents have asked me if I'm going to bring the baby into work so everyone can see her and I keep making excuses such as "covid is still around and it'll be flu/cold season so I don't want the baby being around so many people" but they always have responses such as "we can come to your house and see her so not many people are there", "we can see her outside" etc. There's also one resident who used to help out in a nursery and keeps saying things like "I can't wait until she's born, I'll take her for walks and change her nappy and give her bottles" and I don't have the heart to tell her she'll never meet my baby due to her mind being of a 15-16 year old (she's in her 40s) and I know it'll upset her.

Not only this, one of my main duties is encouraging residents to maintain personal hygiene. I even struggle to get some of them to shower, wash or brush their teeth daily before they go to work!

And now other members of staff are reassuring residents I'll be bringing baby in to meet them and when I privately tell them otherwise, they make out like I'm evil and shouldn't be in this job if I don't want to share every detail of my private life with them! Some even have residents over to their homes for a cup of tea etc and that's just not me at all. I like to keep my home life seperate. They all already know where I live, my partners full name, his line of work, my parents names and occupations, all my pets names. I just want this one thing for myself. I constantly have residents coming up to me and touching my bump too and I feel awful telling them not to but it just isn't professional and I don't like it in general.

So AIBU for wanting this? Does this make me a bad support worker? I feel like I shouldn't be annoyed like I am and I feel so guilty for it.

TLDR: AIBU for wanting to keep my baby away from residents I support? Main reasons are: They very rarely shower and don't wash hands after using the toilet, I want to maintain professional boundaries, they already know everything about my private life, this is my first baby and I want her for myself anyway, covid is still a thing. In other lines of work, babies are not allowed to be brought in so why is it different because of my role?

Once again, sorry it's so long. I just want you to understand the situation.

Thanks!

Firstly you will be on Mat leave and so won't be an issue for quite a while.

When you return baby will be in childcare. So you say sorry baby is at childcare today.

Stop oversharing for a start.

You're sending very mixed messages.

Then I went for a 4D scan and came back to work and my colleague on shift wanted to see the pictures.

Of course you don't have to take your baby into work. So don't. Just sounds like you're creating drama for the sake of it, to be honest.

I would also expect your bosses to be horrified that you would even expose your baby to this situation. As they would be liable. Are you for real?

But you’ve already shared personal information about your pregnancy and shown the scan pictures to colleagues.
I agree with previous posters…..you’ve blurred the boundaries!

This! You are making a far bigger deal over something completely unnecessary. No one is forcing you to bring the baby, so just stop. Smile, nod and don't bring the baby when it's here.

You work in these peoples' homes so by the very nature of the job you are part of their family. I think you would be unreasonable to not at least bring the baby in to show them when it's born.
No, she’s not part of their family. It’s a financial transaction; she’s on payroll to be there to work, with a contract and defined hours. Her baby and private life has fuck all to do with these people.

OP, some people like to bring their baby to work, some don’t. I’m firmly in the don’t camp and have clear work/life boundaries. I think that you need to maintain your boundaries a bit more strongly: while your colleague shouldn’t have told anyone you’re pregnant – and you have grounds for complaint there – you shouldn’t blur lines by showing scan pics. Just shut down all conversation around your maternity leave and your baby, and once you’re on leave and have given birth, don’t send photos or any more information to your line manager than you have to. You can confirm the date of birth for their paperwork but you don’t even have to share the name if you don’t want to.

Just say "Let's see when she's born, I'm not planning anything yet." Then when she's born, do whatever you want. Sending a photo and at least one trip in is usual wherever I've worked; you could just skip it if you don't want to, or do it outside with baby in a sling sleeping to keep her secure.

For other stuff, just stop sharing information and divert them instead (staff or clients). What on earth possessed you to give out your address, parent details etc to start with? Practice boring non-data phrases in case of questions with a bit to move along the chat e.g. "I had to get some tasks done this morning, now where have you put X?" / "Oh they live about 10 miles away, now I must hurry to do X upstairs, see you later", "Fine thanks, now tell me more about your new job, how is it going?"

You mention near the start of your post that you had to disclose your pregnancy early because you were hit in the stomach while at work by one of the residents! I can’t believe some people on here are saying that you should take your baby in to be “nice”! And that if you don’t want to you should “look for another job”?!? Bizarre. Of course YANBU. Don’t take the baby in and don’t stress about it. Just smile non-comitally as pp have said, and don’t share any more details or pictures with your work colleagues. Best of luck with your pregnancy and new baby.

I agree with this . As the mother of an adult with learning difficulties and with experience of the set up you describe you don't sound as if you have much understanding of the service users. They will of course be excited and interested, and will possibly talk constantly about how they will look after it , it’s a natural instinct for many . Adults with learning difficulties have maternal instincts as well you know , just perhaps not the same filters you have . You don’t need to say a great deal in reply . It is your decision whether to take the baby in or not .
This situation isn’t like a normal office situation where you take a baby in to be passed round , I get that . I would stop sharing scan pictures etc if you don’t want information shared . However , I work in a school office , and if someone walked in with a baby scan I probably would say “ ooh, have you seen x’s scan “ because I’d assume if you’d brought it in you wanted people to see it !
In this kind of residential set up it can be hard to set boundaries, you need to provide a warm and caring home for the residents, but still maintain personal boundaries. It is up to you what you share .
Have you had a risk assessment done at work , I would have expected that straight away , particularly with behavioural issues .

It seems to me that you and your colleagues haven't maintained professional boundaries in the past. It will be hard to put them in place now. Start by not sharing your personal and private life. Don't show scan photos or talk about stuff that happened outside work. Once you go on maternity leave hope that its a case of out of sight out of mind and that you're forgotten.

With your thinking I don’t think you should be working with vulnerable adults.
Im assuming there are some adults in the complex.

OP In the nicest possible way you need a course on professional boundaries. You are oversharing then getting upset when people react to you. Stop doing it. Stop sharing pictures and information. And use the maternity leave to create some distance.

This is what I find bizarre. I worked in my last job for over 10 years and less than a handful of colleagues knew my kids names and even fewer knew DH’s. As for where I lived, “the other side of town” was sufficient knowledge.

Giving people your life story and then being upset because they know things is easily solved. Stop oversharing.

Beyond that, the level of safeguarding sounds very unprofessional. A family member worked in a similar set-up her whole career. We weren’t even supposed to acknowledge her if we saw her out and about with a service user (part of her role was taking them shopping) for her and their privacy.

oh, and I’ve reread your post three times and I can’t see anything “unpleasant” you’ve said about the residents. You have said factually that many of them struggle with hygiene and described, again factually, some other behaviours that are making you uncomfortable. You haven’t written a long spiel disclaimering that the behaviours are because of their LD and that there’s no ill intent because frankly it’s completely bloody obvious and your post isn’t about that. Ignore the more aggressive responses and have confidence in your ability to hold boundaries.

I agree with this.

See if I showed a colleague a scan photo on my phone I would not expect them to call out for everyone to come and look. That's a lack of boundaries by any definition.

I would agree with PP that you come across as unkind when you talk about the service users, the reason the rest of the staff don’t see a problem with talking about your baby with them is because they understand it’s an exciting thing they’ll enjoy hearing/talking about.

I also don’t understand why your making such a big deal out of this ‘decision’ just don’t take the baby in - you won’t be there anyway to field their questions anyway and the baby will be at nursery when you return.

just send a pic in and they’ll be happy.

That’s a lot of words for a simple situation/solution.

You just keep your baby separate from work. Most other people manage this fine, it’s not hard. Just don’t take them in or talk about them. Of course residents don’t come to your house. Problem solved.

Don’t discuss things you don’t want shared with your colleagues and in the instance you need to share in a formal way for safety reasons, if they breach confidentiality, have it formally addressed. They won’t do it again.

Your spiel about ‘keeping baby to yourself’ is odd (good luck with that, it will get real old, real quick), however that’s completely separate to not wanting to integrate your children into your professional life. Nothing wrong with not wanting to and in fact normal not to. I was always happy to have family and friends involved in my childrens lives as opposed to keeping them to myself, but I separated my kids from my professional life.

it is fine to keep your private life, including your children, separate from your work life.

it is natural when you work with people in close proximity to develop friendships with colleagues and the people living in the facilities. Part of your training should have been how to put the boundaries in with the latter group.

So stay firm about that. But that will include not talking about your baby and not showing photos TO ANYONE during work hours. This was your mistake here

Then I went for a 4D scan and came back to work and my colleague on shift wanted to see the pictures. I got one up on my phone and showed him and he shouted "everyone come look at the baby!"

Your colleagues sound like knobs though. Get management to reinforce your decision but you have to work with them on this: no more photos.

Fuck me I’ve worked with similar client groups and the professional standards where you work are appalling. Residents visiting staff at home is a safeguarding nightmare and should not be happening.

I haven't RTFT

YABU by offering information about your pregnancy if you don't want to share that with the service users / residents / colleagues. It's also obvious though that your colleagues don't have boundaries - either you haven't been crystal clear that you didn't wish to share your private life with the residents, or they're clearly blasé about your business. That said, I would've addressed the issue the FIRST TIME that someone else shared personal details about you and not just come on MN to moan about it.

Your title is misleading though - just don't visit with your baby, end of. Decline to show photos and be vague about due dates etc. Simple.

I completely understand where you’re coming from. From this day on I would stop sharing any info, when people talk about names or your plans I would just say ‘not sure yet.’ And then when you go on May Leave I would just distance yourself a bit.

^
this.
You don’t even have an issue here, except the one you’re creating. Lots of people have babies, it’s not that a big a deal to anyone else, just stop over sharing.

You are not at all unreasonable to not want to take your baby into your workplace, entirely your choice, no issue at all.
However, based on everything else you’ve said about your workplace and the people who are supported there, I think you are in the wrong job. You don’t sound as though you like it or them at all!

I remember when I was pregnant/had baby... I had left job by this point but kept getting messages to drive new born baby 40 miles for them to see... They didn't take my hint when ignoring messages and in end I was just honest and said no and never heard from them again.