Hi everyone, there are so many replies I thought I'd just send one general one rather than reply to each. I couldve explained things a lot better but didn't want to make my post extremely long.
So in regards to me "oversharing" because they know so much about me, when I first started working there I had never worked with LD before and was approached with lots of seemingly innocent questions such as "are you married?", "do you live alone?", "where do you live?" And happily answered them because I wanted to build relationships with the residents. When I say they know where I live, I don't mean literal door number, where I'm from we are just a build up of estates so I told them the name of the estate I live in (again it was my first day and I was with a group of new starters and we all told them). They found out where in the estate I live because a resident was walking through and spotted my car. They then took other residents to see. Other information they found through finding me on Facebook. Admittedly this was completely my fault for not having my privacy settings up to scratch allowing them to see information but I just want to reiterate I have NEVER shared information that I'd class as unprofessional or that I wouldn't be happy with them knowing. There has also been times I've been off work sick and returned to residents knowing exactly what was wrong with me and asking me how I am. This information hasn't come from me, it has come from colleagues who have told them. Or I will discuss something private happening in my life with a colleague and then the next time they see me they'll say "did you manage to sort .....?" In front of residents and then they find out. This isn't done maliciously, this is because my colleagues don't see a problem with sharing about their own lives and will discuss things with each other in front of residents or even include them in the conversation so they forget that I am so private and don't realise what they've done.
The people who think I don't like the job/residents, this is completely untrue. I love my job and really care about everyone I support. I go out of my way every single shift to make really healthy nutritional meals, create craft activities, take them to the pub for a drink and I don't actually have to do any of this. This post is talking more about the residents with full capacity who are more independent and have physical conditions such as no limbs and some with very mild autism/learning difficulties. They are very clever people and I never look at any of them and see them as "disabled" or "lacking capacity" because to me we are all equal and they are all just people like me but with differing abilities and support needs. When working so close with these people for so long, you get to know them so well that you don't tend to notice and you just see them as anyone else.
The reason I talk about colds/flu/covid so much is because its the only excuse I've found that everybody understands so that's what I tend to use. Yes I could say to one resident "I won't be bringing baby in as this is my place of work" and they would completely understand what I'm telling them but they could be sitting next to another resident with autism for example who wouldnt understand what I'm saying and would become upset, anxious or angry with this reply. I have to use a universal excuse that is easy for me to explain in different ways and that's what I've managed to come up with. I'm not actually opposed to my baby being exposed to general germs.
Regarding telling people about the scan, I had no choice but to tell them where I was going as I couldn't just walk out of my shift and come back over an hour later. I had to tell my colleague that it was a scan as I needed them to cover the house for me and also I couldn't lie about where I was going as its classed as paid leave due to it being a pregnancy appointment.
And by "keeping baby to myself" I mean keeping information about her private, not literally keeping her. I'm actually very laid back about that sort of stuff and will gladly hand her over to friends/family to show her off and cuddle etc. I have actively chosen to buy a breast pump so that my mum can feed the baby as she's so excited and loves being really hands on.
The colleague who broke my confidentiality was reported straight away. It was the first thing I did however she denied everything and after that nothing was done apart from her being spoken to. I probably shouldn't have left it but it's just unnecessary stress and conflict I didn't need or want at the time.
And a lot of my colleagues I'd class as "work friends" so I wouldn't go and meet them for drinks etc outside of work but they will text me and ask how me and baby are doing, we chat in work and have a laugh etc and I know they'll all want to meet baby when she's here and I'm fine with them coming over to my house and visiting her. The problem isn't with them as I don't support them and don't need to keep professional boundaries in the same way.
And they know baby's sex because they asked me directly. I'm not an evil person that you seem to think I am. I understand they have a genuine interest and are genuinely excited and happy about the baby so I will give them small amounts of info that I'm happy with them knowing. I've not told them her name, I've said we haven't decided yet as I this is information I don't want them having. There is reasons behind me not wanting to share certain things, for example we have one resident who goes out independently and will go up to strangers that he may have passed by once or twice and he will shout them and chat to them as if he knows them. I don't want to be out with my child when she's older and have a grown man shouting her over by her name, whether I know him or not. Like I say, I want to keep the baby private because of different reasons, not just because I'm selfish and don't want them seeing her.
I completely agree about the boundaries, some staff treat the residents as friends and I think it's unacceptable however I'm one of the minority there with over 100 members of staff who mostly think the same way. This is why I'm asking AIBU, not because I want advice on bringing her to work but because I'm being made to feel like the bad guy and that I'm bad at my job for disagreeing with the majority.
I have spoken to my colleagues privately about being unhappy with what they've shared about me but we cannot do that in front of the residents as due to behaviours, staff cannot be seen disagreeing/arguing because some residents will see this and think they can manipulate us and will make up accusations that result in staff conflict. This has happened multiple times where a resident has seen 2 staff members disagreeing and have then gone to those staff individually and said "(other staff member) said .... about you". And then done the same to the other person. Just because these people have learning disabilities it does not mean they are stupid. They are actually very clever people who know how to manipulate situations to get what they want. I don't mean that in a nasty or offensive way at all, I am just saying this to give you a bit more understanding.
And it's all well saying I could bring baby in a sling/pram but some residents would think nothing of just reaching and taking baby out of the pram or pulling at her while she's attached to me. When I enter the house, I will be instantly surrounded by residents not just looking but touching, grabbing, all talking at once and it will be very difficult to keep my attention on what's happening with the baby while this is going on. If one person is grabbing baby, by the time I've got them off her there will be someone else grabbing another part of her so it just wouldn't be a nice situation to be in. And I couldn't pass baby round and say one resident could hold her but the next (who would squeeze or drop her) say no. It wouldn't be fair.
And with the personal hygiene, until you've reached for a door handle and got a handful of human faeces or had to ask a resident (with full capacity) to change their clothes as they've been wearing and sleeping in them for over a week please don't say I'm being unreasonable for not wanting my baby being touched.
And I'm sorry if any of this comes across as me being offensive to you or any of my residents, this is not my intention at all. I'm using less technical terms so that everybody, including people who don't work in the field understands what I'm trying to say. Also yes we call them residents as this is what they choose to be referred to as. They find the term "service users" too institutional and they call themselves "the residents" and refer to each other as "other residents" so out of respect for them, this is what we refer to them as.
Thank you to those who have been kind and understanding and I'm sorry to those I've offended. This reply has ended up extremely long but I'd rather explain things properly now than leave you all questioning what I was trying to say.
Yes it is a toxic place to work and a select few colleagues are hard to deal with but at the end of the day I'm there for the residents only and they all get so excited when they see I'm on shift and that's so rewarding for me and makes it all worth it.
Oh and for reference, management don't work on site so they don't know/see what goes on and I could keep complaining but if I did it would be something new every day and I'd quickly become known as the one who just moans which is why I don't run to them all the time