To not want my baby at work?

[Chloe0500]

Hey!

I'm really sorry this may be quite long as I feel I need to give context on the situation for you to fully understand where I'm coming from. I'll add a TLDR at the bottom.

I'm currently 29 weeks pregnant with my first baby and am a support worker for adults with physical disabilities, learning disabilities etc. The place I work consists of 8 very large attached houses with around 12 residents living in each and we as support workers are there 24/7 helping them with their daily lives. Some need more support than others, some go out to work every day, are completely independent but just need support with managing illnesses etc.

Anyway when I found out I was pregnant I had to tell my manager at 7 weeks due to some houses having more challenging behaviour and I was hit in the stomach. We then had to have a meeting with a few other staff members who work in that house so that they knew why I had to leave if any signs of that behaviour came around. It was specifically said in that meeting that I didn't want any other colleagues or residents knowing about the pregnancy as I was so early on and just wanted to keep it to myself anyway. But the next day I walked in and a resident asked me if it was true I'm pregnant! This really annoyed me as the resident told me that a certain colleague had gone round telling all residents straight after that meeting and the full community now knew about it. From then on, I couldn't enter any houses without people whispering about me etc.

Fast forward to now, I've made the decision I want my baby kept completely private from my work since im there as a professional, not a friend. I told my colleagues and manager this. Then I went for a 4D scan and came back to work and my colleague on shift wanted to see the pictures. I got one up on my phone and showed him and he shouted "everyone come look at the baby!" And showed all the residents the scan picture. I know this was an innocent gesture and they are just happy for me but I just feel like this is my private life and I keep being robbed of experiences I should be sharing, not other people.

A few residents have asked me if I'm going to bring the baby into work so everyone can see her and I keep making excuses such as "covid is still around and it'll be flu/cold season so I don't want the baby being around so many people" but they always have responses such as "we can come to your house and see her so not many people are there", "we can see her outside" etc. There's also one resident who used to help out in a nursery and keeps saying things like "I can't wait until she's born, I'll take her for walks and change her nappy and give her bottles" and I don't have the heart to tell her she'll never meet my baby due to her mind being of a 15-16 year old (she's in her 40s) and I know it'll upset her.

Not only this, one of my main duties is encouraging residents to maintain personal hygiene. I even struggle to get some of them to shower, wash or brush their teeth daily before they go to work!

And now other members of staff are reassuring residents I'll be bringing baby in to meet them and when I privately tell them otherwise, they make out like I'm evil and shouldn't be in this job if I don't want to share every detail of my private life with them! Some even have residents over to their homes for a cup of tea etc and that's just not me at all. I like to keep my home life seperate. They all already know where I live, my partners full name, his line of work, my parents names and occupations, all my pets names. I just want this one thing for myself. I constantly have residents coming up to me and touching my bump too and I feel awful telling them not to but it just isn't professional and I don't like it in general.

So AIBU for wanting this? Does this make me a bad support worker? I feel like I shouldn't be annoyed like I am and I feel so guilty for it.

TLDR: AIBU for wanting to keep my baby away from residents I support? Main reasons are: They very rarely shower and don't wash hands after using the toilet, I want to maintain professional boundaries, they already know everything about my private life, this is my first baby and I want her for myself anyway, covid is still a thing. In other lines of work, babies are not allowed to be brought in so why is it different because of my role?

Once again, sorry it's so long. I just want you to understand the situation.

Thanks!

You work in these peoples' homes so by the very nature of the job you are part of their family. I think you would be unreasonable to not at least bring the baby in to show them when it's born. It would be totally reasonable to tell them to wash their hands before touching the baby - it's a learning opportunity for them.
If you don't like this sort of relationship with 'service users' then I suggest you get a care job in somewhere like a hospital where you have a much more transient population.

You need to stop sharing details of your private life with others. Why tell them you are going for a scan? You know some of them have poor boundaries from past behaviour.

No they are not family. The boundary is severely blurred if they are seen as family.

The baby is not a learning opportunity. It's a human

I don't get this, it's a job, the OP is there because she's signed a contract agreeing to work for a certain amount of hours for a certain amount of money. She's not family and it sounds like some of these colleagues are struggling with boundaries and maybe don't have enough going on in their own lives outside of work.

@SpookyPanda I was referring to the handwashing as the learning opportunity not the baby.
Most people bring their new baby to work - at least they did when people worked OOH.

Don't take your baby in if you don't want to, I never did! But please stop saying 'covid is still a thing'. Yes, it will always be a 'thing' same as cold & flu!

The colleagues sound perfectly normal.
"Let's see your scan photo"
"Awww, isn't that cute"
"Can't wait to see him and have a cuddle"
"You'll bring her in won't you"

Said in every workplace all over the country.

The fact that everyone knows the sex of your baby suggests that you’re not being as discreet as you should be if you want to maintain privacy.

I think you’re overthinking this. Stop sharing so much information and you’ll be gone on maternity leave soon and won’t have to think about them at all.

My experience of people with this level of cognitive development is that many of them really love babies/ young children and they bring great joy; it's a very basic human instinct. I had a relative that required this level of care and grew up visiting his setting, and in turn too my children also visited when they were very young.

You're reasonable to want to maintain some boundaries, particularly early in pregnancy, but you are blurring them by giving too much information. Your colleague was wrong to share your news but now you know they have no discretion, if you want to maintain strict privacy then don't feed them with any information.

However the reality is that you can't hide a pregnancy when your behaviour has to change, and not when there's a bump. I had to tell selected people from 5-6 weeks because of the impact on my health, but it was bloody obvious by 14 weeks, and I then spent the best part of 6m being interrogated by just about anyone including arguments with randoms about due dates and twins when they decided that they knew better than me and the MW/ sonographer. Unsolicited interest is a common reality of pregnancy.

With the residents, give bland answers such as "baby will be at nursery/ grandparents" Some may lose interest while you are on maternity leave anyway.

You are being completely reasonable. Your baby, your choice.

It's understandable that your colleagues and the residents are excited about you being pregnant - it's something different to chat about! But that doesn't mean that you owe them anything. It's not the same thing at all but I am a secondary school teacher and when I was pregnant it was like I was a celebrity. All of the kids wanted to speak to me about the baby, was I going to name the baby after them, was I going to bring the baby in to see them, etc.? To be fair, I probably would have taken her in once to see my colleagues and to pop in to see my tutor group if Covid hadn't rocked up and closed the schools - but it would have been because I wanted to show her off, not because I felt obliged to, and there was zero concern on my part that people might have touched her without my consent, etc. In your situation I probably wouldn't.
Once you've gone on mat leave you will be 'out of sight and out of mind'. When you return, your baby will be old news and there'll be something new for everyone to chat about.
You are 100% allowed to keep your private life separate from work. If other people don't do that then that's up to them but you do what is right for you.

This. It's totally up to you if you don't want to pop in so that your colleagues and service users can meet your baby, and totally reasonable for you to want to keep some of your home life private. But the way you talk about some of the service users is a bit odd and critical, do you understand why some people with ld might not understand those boundaries and might be excited to meet a baby, being in supported living doesn't make people unkind or uncaring, they are just people.

Oh sorry - also to add, for an easy life don't say 'No, I won't be bringing baby in because of xyz', say something non-committal like 'Oh yes we'll have to get something sorted once baby's here and we're all settled, etc.'.

Sounds like a worrying lack of boundaries and general safeguarding for a place that's supposed to be looking after vulnerable people.

Honestly it sounds like your just overthinking everything. It's a pregnancy. It's not that big a deal to the people around you.

Don't talk about it and just get on with it. You'll disappear off on mat leave anyway and that'll be that. If you don't want to take baby in just don't x

They can learn to wash their hands in many other ways. And over the last few years pre pandemic there were definitely fewer people parading their kid round the office in my work place.

"You're reasonable to want to maintain some boundaries, particularly early in pregnancy, but you are blurring them by giving too much information. Your colleague was wrong to share your news but now you know they have no discretion, if you want to maintain strict privacy then don't feed them with any information."

I'm afraid you are responsible for policing the boundaries. Residents will not necessarily understand your social cues or understand when they've crossed a line so it's down to you. Conversations with vulnerable adults tend to go down unexpected pathways.
Im a bit surprised - given your role - that this wasn't evident before.

Your colleagues are bizarre. They don't have good professional boundaries. Stop sharing stuff with them. Most of the time, people are just asking out of politeness anyway. You don't have to take your baby in. By the time you go back, if anyone asks, you can just say baby is with daddy/grandparents/whoever while you are at work.

Why does anyone know:
Where you live
Your dh's full name
Your parents' names
Anything material about your private lives
That you had a 4D scan
Your baby's sex

If you only share minimal info in a friendly way you maintain your boundaries. My colleagues know my husband's and dc's first names and that MIL and my mother live up north and on the South Coast respectively.

If you are 29 weeks and don't like the environment at work, you can start your mat leave right now. In 12 months time people will have forgotten it and if anyone asks you to bring in the baby you can say she's at nursery/childminder's etc when you are at work and nod and smile and say when she's bigger.

Get another job OP

Yes that's a lot of detail you've given out there

I wouldn't take the baby in, it's not compulsory. Just go on your mat leave and stay away.

TBH I think you have BU to share as much as you have, and then expect to be able to reel back on some privacy. You have set the precedent by sharing so much about your family, its not unreasonable for your colleagues to think you would pop in for an hour once the baby is born. If you dont want to, thats fine, but dont be aghast at your colleagues suggesting it when you have already been open about your personal life by blurring those boundaries.

Maybe you should look for another role, because you speak quite negatively about the people you are supposed to be supporting.

@Fuckitydoodah

nonsense

it will not harm the residents to not see ops baby

YANBU and your colleagues are arseholes for sharing your private business with the residents in the care home you work in, especially when you've explicitly asked them not to. And with regard to constantly being asked if you'll bring the baby in, or them saying they'll come to your house instead, FFS just say 'No'! As MN frequently tells us, 'No' is a complete sentence. This is your place of WORK and you're absolutely entitled to keep the two separate. I know a lot of people do take their baby into work to show their coworkers, and that's fine if they feel comfortable doing that, but you don't, and that's also okay.

Honestly though, I would stop sharing any information about your pregnancy/baby with your colleagues and stop showing them photos. If you want to keep a strict line of separation between the two, that starts with you. So from now on, no baby talk, no pregnancy pictures, etc. And if anyone so much as hints at turning up at your house to see your baby, shut it down immediately and tell them that it's not appropriate. I realise that some adults with LD don't have the kind of self-awareness and boundaries that NT adults (should) have, but if you are firm and consistent and don't give mixed messages then hopefully no one will be doorstepping you.