To not want my baby at work?

[Chloe0500]

Hey!

I'm really sorry this may be quite long as I feel I need to give context on the situation for you to fully understand where I'm coming from. I'll add a TLDR at the bottom.

I'm currently 29 weeks pregnant with my first baby and am a support worker for adults with physical disabilities, learning disabilities etc. The place I work consists of 8 very large attached houses with around 12 residents living in each and we as support workers are there 24/7 helping them with their daily lives. Some need more support than others, some go out to work every day, are completely independent but just need support with managing illnesses etc.

Anyway when I found out I was pregnant I had to tell my manager at 7 weeks due to some houses having more challenging behaviour and I was hit in the stomach. We then had to have a meeting with a few other staff members who work in that house so that they knew why I had to leave if any signs of that behaviour came around. It was specifically said in that meeting that I didn't want any other colleagues or residents knowing about the pregnancy as I was so early on and just wanted to keep it to myself anyway. But the next day I walked in and a resident asked me if it was true I'm pregnant! This really annoyed me as the resident told me that a certain colleague had gone round telling all residents straight after that meeting and the full community now knew about it. From then on, I couldn't enter any houses without people whispering about me etc.

Fast forward to now, I've made the decision I want my baby kept completely private from my work since im there as a professional, not a friend. I told my colleagues and manager this. Then I went for a 4D scan and came back to work and my colleague on shift wanted to see the pictures. I got one up on my phone and showed him and he shouted "everyone come look at the baby!" And showed all the residents the scan picture. I know this was an innocent gesture and they are just happy for me but I just feel like this is my private life and I keep being robbed of experiences I should be sharing, not other people.

A few residents have asked me if I'm going to bring the baby into work so everyone can see her and I keep making excuses such as "covid is still around and it'll be flu/cold season so I don't want the baby being around so many people" but they always have responses such as "we can come to your house and see her so not many people are there", "we can see her outside" etc. There's also one resident who used to help out in a nursery and keeps saying things like "I can't wait until she's born, I'll take her for walks and change her nappy and give her bottles" and I don't have the heart to tell her she'll never meet my baby due to her mind being of a 15-16 year old (she's in her 40s) and I know it'll upset her.

Not only this, one of my main duties is encouraging residents to maintain personal hygiene. I even struggle to get some of them to shower, wash or brush their teeth daily before they go to work!

And now other members of staff are reassuring residents I'll be bringing baby in to meet them and when I privately tell them otherwise, they make out like I'm evil and shouldn't be in this job if I don't want to share every detail of my private life with them! Some even have residents over to their homes for a cup of tea etc and that's just not me at all. I like to keep my home life seperate. They all already know where I live, my partners full name, his line of work, my parents names and occupations, all my pets names. I just want this one thing for myself. I constantly have residents coming up to me and touching my bump too and I feel awful telling them not to but it just isn't professional and I don't like it in general.

So AIBU for wanting this? Does this make me a bad support worker? I feel like I shouldn't be annoyed like I am and I feel so guilty for it.

TLDR: AIBU for wanting to keep my baby away from residents I support? Main reasons are: They very rarely shower and don't wash hands after using the toilet, I want to maintain professional boundaries, they already know everything about my private life, this is my first baby and I want her for myself anyway, covid is still a thing. In other lines of work, babies are not allowed to be brought in so why is it different because of my role?

Once again, sorry it's so long. I just want you to understand the situation.

Thanks!

You don't have to take your baby in but I think you could show a little more empathy for the excitement of the residents. Many or most of them will never become parents themselves, often adults living in such supported living are just really excited by any little bit of life from outside the institutional environment they live in. I wouldn't begrudge them that and would happily chat to them and probably take my baby in, you don't have to hand the baby to anyone just show them. Your excuses about colds and flu are bonkers, your baby will presumably come into contact with this virus's at some point and actually it is important they do to build immunity. None of your colleagues are stealing experiences with you, they are just excited for you.

Some of the responses on this thread are really worrying.

OP as a care worker who is 28 weeks pregnant, I totally agree with you. There are clearly absolutely no boundaries here though, professionally with service users and also with staff. There should be a clear difference between the relationship with staff who in this type of job you need to trust with you life to have your back in a second sometimes. This is clearly the issue here, your colleagues are more interested in treating the service users as friends. They are not friends, yes you need to build a relationship but absolutely never should this involve service users knowing your address, etc. Your boss needs to pull thier finger out and make sure everyone knows the rules on privacy.

As for brining your baby in, fuck no 😅😂 can't believe people are suggesting this is okay. This type of job is not a wee trip in to the office to let colleagues meet baby. Totally different ball game, these service users have all types of issues and you cannot separate who is suitable to meet baby from who's not as this would create chaos for them. Some people are in these types of accommodation as they are monitored for serious mental health issues which make them a danger to kids, including convicted pedophiles. Not many people in general public know this though. If you have a boss I'm sure this would never be allowed anyway. This is why there are rules in healthcare for workers safety.

I just tell my service users that I might pop by one day with baby depending on weather etc and leave it at that.

No healthcare worker should ever have personal details leaked by other staff. It's not acceptable, report this to the boss stating your concerns.

Well OP, this is exactly why most people have professional boundaries!

I’d consider changing jobs OP. I don’t mean that in a ´you’re unfit to be working with these clients’ way. I mean it’s much easier to establish clear professional boundaries when you start fresh. If you do change jobs after mat leave, don’t even tell the residents you have a baby.
For now you need to cut back what you say to your colleagues. You’re expecting conversations about your pregnancy to remain between colleagues and not be relayed to residents. That’s not happening so cut off the flow of information to your colleagues.

This 10000% PP is spot on! in addition to what I said in post. Can't believe what I've read this morning

@Fuckitydoodah

totally agree!

I remember when I was pregnant/had baby... I had left job by this point but kept getting messages to drive new born baby 40 miles for them to see... They didn't take my hint when ignoring messages and in end I was just honest and said no and never heard from them again.

People have to stop "hinting" and start using their words. It is fine to say "would love to" (that can be a lie) "but it's too far so i won't be coming in". And leave it at that. (from the outset)

Agree that OP would be better to start somewhere afresh and put good boundaries in place with colleagues and those she is supporting.

OP good luck with the baby!

🙄🙄🙄🙄

To be honest I think you are being unreasonable. The job you have chosen by nature means that the residents feel some connection to you, more so than any other kind of employee/client relationship. They are excited and happy for you. To not take the baby in to show them once born feels a bit mean. If you don't like them having anything much to do with you then maybe you're in the wrong Job

I completely agree, of course the residents want to see the baby. You sound like you don't like them much.

You are having a baby not Christ himself. Don't take your baby to work if you don't want to. Don't share your personal life at work if you don't want people talking about it.

I think it’s really easy to get caught up in it all when you have a newborn or are pregnant and assume people being nice and friendly means they are really interested. I think once you go on maternity leave it will all be forgotten.

Well stop telling everyone all your business if you don't want them to know about it then. This is all very PFB behaviour. Anyway it's all a moot point because you don't seem to like your job very much and if you go back after maternity leave I'll eat my hat.

I think they are just excited because it’s something new and different. .. that will pass, and then nobody will give a toot about the new baby.

Jesus If you have to announce you're pregnant at 7 weeks because there is a safety issue around getting physically abused like hell would I bring a newborn in

But I'm really confused about the set up. Why didn't you complain about everyone blabbing your pregnancy? Has a risk assessment been done for your continuing pregnancy and 'bringing the baby in'. I would have thought given you're not physically safe from being kicked you wouldn't even be allowed to bring a baby in.

There's a massive slack in boundaries. And I'm really confused why you seem so passive and haven't escalated what could potentially be a very tricky situation.

I never took my babies into see my clients !

Twice I took each baby into see my colleagues.

You don't have to take baby in but when you work in supported living with adults with LDs over so many years you so become like a work family. Your clients with LD will have difficulty understanding why you won't want the touching holding baby (incase it's not safe, new babies are delicate , hygiene for a newborn etc) , because as far as they are concerned you're their "friend" and honey are excited for you, and this will be their friends baby.

It's time to have a discussion with your supervisor or manager, and ask it to be brought up in team meeting that colleagues are not to make promises regarding your baby. It's a decision for you to make at the time. Don't say more than that (ie .." ..they have dirty hands I don't want them touching my pfb baby .." etc as that could get misconstrued as discriminatory when you obviously don't mean it that way) . You just say that it's not appropriate to make promises about your personal life and any babies or children you have. Colleagues shouldn't be promising you'll being baby into see anyone, it's not their baby!
They don't bring their partners to work you are not sure what your plans will be!

You can always pop by when they are out for a meal together and leave baby asleep in pram , saying not getting her out, then leave after 15 mins having shown your faces.

You can show photos to people but generally I don't of my children
They all saw newborn photo x1 and when in May leave I popped into office with baby once or twice and said quick hi. I didn't pass my first one round as he was wiggly.

This. You sound unbelievably pfb about a baby that's not yet here. Bringing baby in to work doesn't mean everyone will get their grubby mitts on baby. When I took mine in they were either feeding or asleep so I'm not sure anyone for a cuddle.

You all need stronger boundaries between home and work. By the time you go on ml just distance yourself. You do not have to visit let alone tale the baby in. By the time you return , if you do, your lo will no longer be a small baby and be less willing to pass around.

YANBU.

I would make a final complaint about your colleague telling everyone

Put proper boundaries in place

Do people really take their babies into work these days? I certainly didn't.

A quick meeting with colleagues is fairly common in my experience. Taking a baby to meet service users would be odd and most workplaces wouldn't approve.

Have you actually read the thread? The OP works with service users who may have issues with impulse control or may have LDs that affect their ability to understand boundaries. Lots of posters have explained this.

It’s absolutely not the same situation as taking a baby into an office where, at best, a handful of people would even be remotely interested.

“Unbelievably PFB” because she doesn’t want to bring a newborn near people who punched her in the stomach? OK.

It does sound like boundaries are missing at this workplace. But you oversharing photos of pregnancy scans is bound to get questions asked.

You could bring the baby in once when on maternity leave but you could get around the hygiene issue by talking to staff members/residents and saying the doctor/health visitor has emphasised the importance of hygiene with anyone who touches her so they'd have to wash, or they can't hold her.

The residents are only excited for you, because of what/how they know.

I'm not sure how OP could get around that but maybe keep those residents at a distance when she visits with the baby?

I don’t think you are under any obligation to take your baby in to your workplace. However I think objecting to the information your colleagues and residents have about your life is very naive, the information has come from you.

You are totally not unreasonable to take baby in to work!!!!!!!!

the responses on here are appalling some of them - the OP has been punched in the stomach - and some of you are saying she’s unreasonable to not take the baby in for these residents who have punched her to ogle a baby!!!!

personally I would keep telling them that you will bring the baby in to appease them and shut them up, then when it comes to it - never do it! Say you are busy - say you’re too tired - say your baby is a nightmare and won’t sleep so can’t!!!

i would also probs look for another job as it sounds like the boundaries are totally not there!!!!

also they should not know your address! Safeguarding nightmare!!! Get out wh3en you can!!!