To not want my baby at work?

[Chloe0500]

Hey!

I'm really sorry this may be quite long as I feel I need to give context on the situation for you to fully understand where I'm coming from. I'll add a TLDR at the bottom.

I'm currently 29 weeks pregnant with my first baby and am a support worker for adults with physical disabilities, learning disabilities etc. The place I work consists of 8 very large attached houses with around 12 residents living in each and we as support workers are there 24/7 helping them with their daily lives. Some need more support than others, some go out to work every day, are completely independent but just need support with managing illnesses etc.

Anyway when I found out I was pregnant I had to tell my manager at 7 weeks due to some houses having more challenging behaviour and I was hit in the stomach. We then had to have a meeting with a few other staff members who work in that house so that they knew why I had to leave if any signs of that behaviour came around. It was specifically said in that meeting that I didn't want any other colleagues or residents knowing about the pregnancy as I was so early on and just wanted to keep it to myself anyway. But the next day I walked in and a resident asked me if it was true I'm pregnant! This really annoyed me as the resident told me that a certain colleague had gone round telling all residents straight after that meeting and the full community now knew about it. From then on, I couldn't enter any houses without people whispering about me etc.

Fast forward to now, I've made the decision I want my baby kept completely private from my work since im there as a professional, not a friend. I told my colleagues and manager this. Then I went for a 4D scan and came back to work and my colleague on shift wanted to see the pictures. I got one up on my phone and showed him and he shouted "everyone come look at the baby!" And showed all the residents the scan picture. I know this was an innocent gesture and they are just happy for me but I just feel like this is my private life and I keep being robbed of experiences I should be sharing, not other people.

A few residents have asked me if I'm going to bring the baby into work so everyone can see her and I keep making excuses such as "covid is still around and it'll be flu/cold season so I don't want the baby being around so many people" but they always have responses such as "we can come to your house and see her so not many people are there", "we can see her outside" etc. There's also one resident who used to help out in a nursery and keeps saying things like "I can't wait until she's born, I'll take her for walks and change her nappy and give her bottles" and I don't have the heart to tell her she'll never meet my baby due to her mind being of a 15-16 year old (she's in her 40s) and I know it'll upset her.

Not only this, one of my main duties is encouraging residents to maintain personal hygiene. I even struggle to get some of them to shower, wash or brush their teeth daily before they go to work!

And now other members of staff are reassuring residents I'll be bringing baby in to meet them and when I privately tell them otherwise, they make out like I'm evil and shouldn't be in this job if I don't want to share every detail of my private life with them! Some even have residents over to their homes for a cup of tea etc and that's just not me at all. I like to keep my home life seperate. They all already know where I live, my partners full name, his line of work, my parents names and occupations, all my pets names. I just want this one thing for myself. I constantly have residents coming up to me and touching my bump too and I feel awful telling them not to but it just isn't professional and I don't like it in general.

So AIBU for wanting this? Does this make me a bad support worker? I feel like I shouldn't be annoyed like I am and I feel so guilty for it.

TLDR: AIBU for wanting to keep my baby away from residents I support? Main reasons are: They very rarely shower and don't wash hands after using the toilet, I want to maintain professional boundaries, they already know everything about my private life, this is my first baby and I want her for myself anyway, covid is still a thing. In other lines of work, babies are not allowed to be brought in so why is it different because of my role?

Once again, sorry it's so long. I just want you to understand the situation.

Thanks!

If you feel like the residents know everything about your private life then professional boundaries are already well overstepped & I'm not surprised you want to keep this major personal thing to yourself. I know how hard it can be in your type of care work to maintain boundaries so it's something to bring up in an open way during your next supervision with your manager. It's the type of thing that leads to care worker burn out.

'Unbelievably PFB” because she doesn’t want to bring a newborn near people who punched her in the stomach? OK.'

Because she's making a fuss about it when all she has to do is say something non committal and then just...not go.

You need to stop sharing scan photos etc. However I think a bit of interest in the baby is natural especially if you are working with people with learning disabilities. Your best bet is to be naturally friendly and respond to chat about the baby in general terms when asked. If you are uncomfortable at any questions, steer the conversation back to something else of interest to the residents. As for visiting, of course you don't have to, but you also don't have to make a big deal out of whether you will or not. Most people say they will but then some don't. Once you go on maternity leave, people will be much less interested and invested anyway. The residents will definitely be less bothered as you will be out of sight and mind.

I think you are completely over thinking this and making a mountain out of a molehill as they say.

Ignore all the gaslighting and excuses here OP and trust your instincts; DO NOT take your baby in for a visit when they are born.

Shut down any questions and comments prior to going on mat leave ASAP. When you are on mat leave only polite/basic communication with your line manager. They need to support you to remain a professional and keep your boundaries. They've failed in this so far.

Firstly your colleagues need more training on GDPR and professional boundaries. Your baby, and your body are not theirs to speak about, let alone tell your service users that you will be bringing the baby in. I would ask you line manager to raise a staff meeting to speak to them about all of your concerns and the fact that they would not be insured to have service users at their homes. I do not know of any care company who would allow this because of all of the legal ramifications. Having been a care manager, I do understand that it can be difficult to maintain boundaries but the service users are not your friends and should not know anything about your personal life in order to protect both you and them.
If you choose to let your SU see your baby in any way I would suggest a photo would be as near as they need to be. Simply explain that because of germs babies are not allowed to be taken into work and that any other suggestions of meeting outside of work are also not appropriate because of germs.

So AIBU for wanting this? Does this make me a bad support worker? I feel like I shouldn't be annoyed like I am and I feel so guilty for it.
YANBU
Professional support workers - ie good support workers - understand boundaries & the imperative of keeping their personal life out of their work life.
The fact that your colleagues went against your wishes is bad enough.
But organisationally - that events have been allowed to happen to the extent that they have around your pregnancy & ramping up residents' expectations - WTF is happening in your company that management have allowed this to transpire?
Your company culture is in serious need of an overhaul.

And now other members of staff are reassuring residents I'll be bringing baby in to meet them and when I privately tell them otherwise, they make out like I'm evil and shouldn't be in this job if I don't want to share every detail of my private life with them!
Your colleagues are poison.

Some even have residents over to their homes for a cup of tea etc and that's just not me at all. I like to keep my home life seperate.
Your colleagues do not understand professional boundaries.

They all already know where I live, my partners full name, his line of work, my parents names and occupations, all my pets names.
Your company seriously needs safeguarding training.

When the first colleague broke confidentially and told everyone, why didn't you raise a formal complaint?
That was my forst thought too @Hillrunning
I can only assume that management is so lax, & company standards are so poor, that OP is unaware of how wrongly this has been handled.

She is being made to feel guilty for not wanting residents coming to visit the baby, & for asking them to keep their hands off her bump FFS. That has got to be the result of a toxic culture where professional boundaries have been allowed to slip so far that there is no barrier between residents & staff.

There’s no “when” and Jesus H Christ, no, you don’t take a baby around violent residents and just “keep them at a distance”. Fucking hell, THIS THREAD.

Ok ok, me told!

Really? She absolutely should not be taking her baby in to meet people who have a high chance of becoming aggressive and have little sense of hygiene.
It is a job. Yes, nice to make a connection with the residents, but this doesn’t mean sharing everything about your personal life. Your place of work sounds quite unprofessional OP. Just keep reiterating that this is your place of work and your baby will not be coming in.

I am a therapist and have a really profound connection with many of my clients. It is not an equal relationship, or a friendship though. It is based in their needs exclusively. I am somewhat of a blank canvass. I am 100% sure that my clients feel a connection, but that doesn't extend to me sharing my baby, or private life in general with them.

YANBU but you're also being a bit dramatic. Just say "yes, of course I'll bring the baby in" and then... don't.

You can spot the people on this thread who have no experience in this area at all.

OP hasn't overshared. OP has been asked questions by residents / staff and responded accordingly. How many of you, when asked by a colleague what your DH's name is, what town you live in, if you have any pets etc., would answer "I'm not telling you that, it's private" Absolutely none of you I'm willing to bet.

OP you are not being unreasonable. Having worked in a similar set up I genuinely have some concerns regarding the boundaries of some of the staff at your place of work. I think you need to be non committal about bringing the baby in, along the lines of "oh well we'll see what happens when baby arrives" and hopefully the fuss will die down once you're on maternity leave.

OP it sounds like where you work has very blurred boundaries between work life and personal life. Do they all describe you lot as a family?

TBH, it sounds like a potentially toxic place to work if you can't hold anything back.
I have a 'work persona' so I can share personal things but there is no obligation to share more than I'm happy to.

I think you're going to have to accept that at this stage, the residents are going to be disappointed to not meet your baby. Not that you can change what's happened but I would certainly go to your managers and raise a complaint about how this has been handled and the pressure you're feeling. Get some support or at least air your issues.

When I first found out I was pregnant I worked in a very physical job in a hotel. I had to tell my boss and 2 colleagues who had to step in and help me with some of the more risky tasks. Someone took it upon them self to tell everyone else so I had people coming up to me asking if I was pregnant. I was heartbroken as I was so excited to tell people myself after my first scan. I basically (and I know this was unreasonable) called out the lass who was telling everyone and told her she was a nasty gossip who had robbed me of telling people my news and how she would then feel if I lost my baby and was forced to tell everyone. Obviously I didn't lose the baby and he's now a healthy 6 year old...but I still feel a bit aggrieved that I didn't get to share my news when I was ready. I had been so excited to see people's faces when I told them.

I guess the bigger issue is she's working with colleagues who 'make out she's evil' if she doesn't want to share all the details of her pregnancy and bring the baby in. They're the ones telling the service users op will bring the baby in. They're the problem.

Which is why I'm surprised the op hasn't taken this further. This could have and should have been nipped in the bud with the employee telling the service users about her pregnancy.

I think you need to speak to your manager about this. They can tell colleagues that your baby should no longer be discussed with residents and their conversations about it with you should be restricted to break times when you chat socially. They can also make clear that you will not be bringing the baby to your place of work as it’s unprofessional , unless like many new mums you might want to pop in once while on mat leave to show baby off to just your colleagues.

Your company need serious safeguarding training. The idea that service users go to people's houses for tea is mind boggling.
Never mind the rest of it.
I work in a similar set up, not so many houses and not so many residents, there is no way I would take my grandchildren in. In fact we are constantly reminded about boundaries and being professional.

Didn't read the whole thing because its clear your not being unreasonable..
Just go along with it and then dont go in 🤷🏻‍♀️
They forget when your not there 😆 I've been off 7 months and colleagues have met me baby twice - I told them I'd come in regularly!
Though I don't see the harm in letting them enjoy your pregnancy too..

Just tell them your partner isn't comfortable you bringing baby in

best way ive seen of dealing with this is to smile and nod, yes sure. Then simply don't have the time. If you return to work in the same place and anything is said about you not bringing baby in - just say oh gosh I was so sleep deprived and just didn't ave the time I will soon, keep it always as I will soon as I get chance, I will soon been so busy with work and baby

then just get on with your life

Your company need serious safeguarding training. The idea that service users go to people's houses for tea is mind boggling.

indeed

"Show interest" - sure. It's only human, & polite to do so.
Blab to each other & go against OP's direc tly expressed wish not to reveal her pregnancy in the early stages? Poor show.
Blab to the RESIDENTS? Idiotic.

PS some of your comments about your service users are a little unpleasant and give the impression you care little about their needs and understand less about their motivations.
@PAFMO one of the most basic needs to a residential service user is for the service provider to maintain totally professional & confidential boundaries between service users & clients.
Staff are not there to be friends.
Friendly & compassionate - yes.
Sharing personal info? No! - that goes against all professional standards & conduct advice.
Giving staff address details & inviting residents into staff's private homes? - Absolutely shocking. A total breach of safeguarding protocol.

Imagine the furore if a resident had an accident in a staff member's home.
Or if a resident with more "challenging behaviour" caused an incident?

OP's already been punched in the gut while pregnant. Yet you are scolding her for not becoming even more embroiled & allowing this appalling boundary-crossing to continue? I'm shocked at how many PP cannot see how wrong this company's entire culture is.

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread, but agree with some earlier posters that you need to be firmer with your boundaries so that you have a tighter grip on the information you’re comfortable to share with colleagues and clients/patients.

I think the problem might be that you don’t know how to keep yourself safe (in a psychological sense) so you then swing to the other extreme of being very hardline about what you want to do in order to protect yourself. That’s quite common for people who struggle with boundaries - I’ve been there myself. If you’re confident in keeping yourself safe and challenging people when they overstep, it gives you more confidence to have a bit of fluidity and flexibility in your boundaries. Different posters will be coming from the perspective of their own competence with boundaries.

It’s fine for you to do whatever you want to do with your baby - take them into work or not as you see fit for yourself and your baby.

You don’t need to look after people’s feelings - if they’re upset when you say you’re not taking the baby in, you can empathise but you don’t need to change your decision.

A compromise might be to reassure them that you’ll bring in a few photos when the baby is born or when you come back to work - only if you want to.

Agree with pps the boundaries at your workplace sound awful - blurred between your professional roles and the personal. You’d probably feel safer at work if that was addressed too. It takes time to change culture but it’s worth raising your complaints with your manager.

If you can, make a small photo album. A baby doesn't get taken into a house with adults who have challenging behaviour. Before the residents child relatives come in, do you not have to do a risk assessment? When you return to work and it's mentioned, then you take in the photos. The woman resident, who wants to help, you tell her that you have to leave the baby with your husband while you are at work. Try to shut down pregnancy/new baby chat or its going to be a long pregnancy.