AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

[louisart]

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

Exactly.

You need to step up and speak up for your daughter. Your wife is being unreasonable asking for this, you are being unreasonable to even consider it, and your stepdaughter needs to remember she has her own separate extended family as well. Whether they are as actively involved in her life or not is not your own daughter's problem. She has a right and a need to maintain her relationship with her grandmother, especially after losing her mum.

Why don't you take Rose on holiday?
You have just about as much connection with her as Iris' grandmother does. You know,to be nice and kind .

Or how about OP demand his wife moves out and abandons rose as it's unfair she still has her mother and Iris doesn't? You know to keep things even and fair? Oh yeah.. that would be absurd wouldn't it?

@louisart your reply to this was no.

but you have not known her that long. She’s married to you know so is showing you who she is.

your dd has suffered enough, anyone begrudging her anything related to her mothers family isn’t right for your family unit.

you rushed this. Maybe she rushed this, think long and clear about who set the pace in this relationship.

stand up strong for your daughter and make it a deal breaker. If your wife won’t accept it, if she won’t manage her dd expectations and remind her of her family presence, then they both have to go.

and get a room lock for the girls. Nobody should be poking around in someone’s room.

I see this is the start of a very unhealthy and unhappy situation for you and your dd. Stand firm on this and refuse to tolerate this bullying.

your dw doesn’t like it? She can leave.

spot on

Your wife can ask her daughter's paternal family members to step up a bit more if that would help, but she can't demand your daughter's grandmother do it because they're not.

I actually think it's really harsh of your wife to think stopping your daughter's trips is a good idea. It's a bit spoilt imo - "my daughter can't have it so I don't want yours to either".

It's not ideal, but there will always be things crop up in blended families but to be outright cruel to one daughter and refuse her these trips with her maternal family, after the loss of her mum, seems really unfair.

I'll have to navigate one of my DS's inheriting quite generously from his dad's side of the family (GP's) while DS 2 will get nothing but it's just a conversation we'll have to deal with when the time comes.

Your wife is definitely U.

You need to stick up for your Dd here. It clearly means a lot to her and is also a link to her late Mum.

Can you/ your wife just do something special with her Dd at home that isn’t so expensive but makes her feel loved? Cost doesn’t automatically equal value. I also ageee she’s 13 and old enough to understand not everything must be the same.

Is there any way you can do something with Rose? At 13 I'd have been furious if my sibling got to go on trips and shop etc and I couldn't. We have to remember 13-year-olds haven't the emotional maturity to weigh up the issues and understand it isn't all about them. Impulse control doesn't develop until way into our 20s, so we must remember this when thinking about how Rose reacts to events that she feels disappointing.

At the same time Rose DOES need to learn that things are unfair. If you say, "you have to butt out and stop bitching, at least you have a mother", I suspect you will end up breeding huge amounts of bitterness and resentment both from your partner and Rose.

I'd validate the fact it feels unfair to Rose and that this is painful AND at the same time allow Iris to continue as she is. Validate, validate, validate. Because it's true. It IS unfair and her emotion is valid - anger or envy tries to get us to right perceived wrongs/injustices or get what we need/want. You can validate that without validating the fact she may throw tantrums about it (that isn't okay or effective in dealing with her disappointment).

I am rather astounded at how callous some of the posters here are. You can have empathy for the child who lost a parent AND also remember that 13-year-olds haven't the emotional capacity that we do as adults. Sometimes people wonder why kids are screwed up and based on some responses here it's not surprising at all.

If anyone has a problem with this statement please message me, as I don't always look back for comments :)

Does your stepdaughter have any contact with her Dad and/or his parents or siblings. If not could your wife try to resurrect that? I get that she probably wouldn’t get trips away, so many gifts etc, but at least it would re in force the fact that as stepsisters they each have relatives that are not shared with their stepsister.

Ps at first I read it as though you were a same sex couple but my view didn’t change after I understood differently

Goodness me, your wife/DSD are being entirely unreasonable here.
Your DD has lost her mum, her grandma has lost a daughter.
It’s so wonderful that they are able to keep this bond.
Fully appreciate that 13 is a tricky age for your DSD and she may not see this, but your wife certainly should!

You say that the girl’s are sisters and will be long after grandma (and mum and dad) are gone. However, I’m pretty sure that Iris won’t want anything to do with Rose (and Rose’s dm) if she isn’t allowed to see and spend time with her dgm, because Rose thinks it’s unfair and is jealous.

Rose still has a dm, that’s unfair on Iris! Iris’s dgm is a link to her dm, that should be nurtured, not stopped. Plus, if the OP wants to be in his dd’s life going forward, he needs to put his foot down now and tell his ‘d’w to butt out!

OP see THIS: well said @WhereYouLeftIt : "my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time."
Your wife is wrong. And cruel. And selfish. And frankly, being a shit mother to Rose by not dealing firmly with Rose's jealousy. What kind of an adult is Rose going to develop into, once the idea that other people can have their pleasures taken from them on her say so, becomes firmly embedded?

"I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose."
Absolutely. It will drive a wedge between them. And not only between them, but also between Iris and you. Because you will have allowed it to happen. Iris will also resent you, and rightly so.

"She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals."
Ah, so 'keeping the peace' - or rather 'keeping Rose off her own back' - is her priority, is it? She won't step up to dealing with Rose's jealousy, so instead will punish Iris for having a generous grandmother. Anything for a quiet life, and to hell with everybody else!

Besides, how can they possibly feel equals when Rose has power over Iris's life? When Rose can veto Iris's relationship with Iris's grandmother? Iris will become resentful (rightfully so) and Rose - well, depends on her personality, but on the details given I'd wonder if she'd feel emboldened to flex her muscles a bit more and have her wishy-washy pandering mother curtail Iris's life even more - just because she can.

"I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we treat them equally."
Exactly so. It is also interfering with the relationships between Iris or Rose and their family members. You have no right to insist on restrictions between Rose and her grandparent / aunts / uncles, and your wife has no right to restrict the relationship between Iris and her grandmother / any other relation.

Stand firm and tell your wife she's out of order and that Iris's relationship with her grandmother, and the trips they take together, will continue WITHOUT INTERFERENCE.

@saraclara "I agree with a pp that if I was in your position, OP, I'd struggle to see the marriage surviving. Discovering that my spouse was so selfish and lacking in empathy would really shock me."

I suspect this is why nobody can hold onto a relationship for any meaningful length of time in 2022. If we throw it in at the first sign of trouble, we never learn to accept that we can have differing views/values AND still find peace and love in a relationship.

I feel that this attitude is borne out of a belief that we shouldn't have to negotiate in relationships. Our society has become so self-righteous that we believe we have a monopoly on what is "okay" and moral.

It's interesting because many people who have this attitude to relationships (not you BTW!) then wonder why they can't hold down a relationship and the blame almost inevitably falls onto the shoulders of the other person. I have 1001 assumptions about your relationships that may be totally inaccurate though I do see a pattern in those people with these rather dichotomous ways of thinking. Again please message if you want to disagree as I don't check back much.

Say, what now!? WTF should she take both of them?

I’ve only read your posts, OP but you absolutely should not stop these trips. They sounds lovely and are more important than ever since your wife passed away.

Rose’s reaction sounds immature - no one of that age should be demanding foreign travel and gifts, funded by a stranger! But I’m much more worried by your wife’s expectation that these trips should end. They really are none of her business. And she can’t go through life protecting Rose from ever feeling jealous by denying happiness to others!

So please stand your ground, protect your DD and her GM from this nonsense. I really hope it’s not the beginning of Disney parenting from your wife (and I say this as a parent and a step parent).

Wow - your wife and step daughter are being super insensitive and selfish! No way should your daughter be deprived the opportunity to spend time with her Grandma, especially under the circumstances. She will soon be old enough to make up her own decisions about who she wants to spend time with and I would play it carefully that she doesn’t resent you and SM if taken away from her. This is an opportunity to connect with her grandmother and have some fun and the opportunity also to have closeness with a female family member (so important for her through her teenage years and development into being a young adult).

@Ekátn No, they get along even now. I'll of course talk to my daughter privately to make sure there aren't any issues I don't know of. The trips are the only thing my wife's brought up concerning my daughter that has bothered her and we have only talked about it privately.

Your DD and GM deserve to spend time together. If your SD is not invited then sadly she's not invited. You DW is OOO to say it should stop, how ridiculous.

She should focus more effort her own DD and stop the silly jealousy!

When a wellbeing of a child is at stake, then a relationship should always come second. By all means , OP should talk to his wife , explain where he is coming from, maybe try with his wife to do some nice things for Rose and what not, but ultimately if his wife digs in, the atmosphere becomes tense/toxic, Iris is made to feel bad and guilty for having a relationship with her GM and ends up hurt (either by the trips ending or the arguments) then yeah she can fuck off and screw the relationship.

Your daughter deserves to live in a home where nobody goes through her room while she has a few days away, she shouldn't need to lock it.

She also needs to live a life where she can keep her mums tradition with her grandmother alive and feel absolutely no guilt from outside sources.

Why?
MIL has no connection to Rose.
Rose needs to be told no.

what??? Don’t be silly.

@MzHz I have actually known my wife for many years before we got married. It wasn't at all a rushed relationship.

I do intend to stand up for my daughter and I will consider the lock for her room.

Thi s is something that should have been discussed before you committed to this relationship. Iris and her gran are obviously close and nobody should be dictating that they can't spend time together, especially as they have both lost someone very dear to them.
And certainly not dictated to by a stroppy 13 year old.
You need to be very clear on this unless you want to lose your relationship with yoir daughter

Your daughter deserves to live in a home where nobody goes through her room while she has a few days away, she shouldn't need to lock it.

Totally agree. What were the consequences for Rose doing this?