AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

[louisart]

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

Tell your wife that he ex partner needs to speak to his/her parents and make sure they're buying your daughter equal presents.

Is your wife suggesting she reaches out to her dds grandparents and insists they treat Iris in an identical manner? Or will she cut "perks" Rose gets from her grandparents?

Has your wife ever actually considered that her own dd is monumentally luckier than Iris all round, as she still has her Mum alive?

Don't be ridiculous.

Allowing the trips isn’t unfair to rose. Both girls are continuing with what happened before the new marriage. Why should it change because their parents have married? Stick up for your daughter. Rose should not be allowed in her room without permission. You don’t need to
do an extravagant holiday with rose, perhaps she could have a shopping trip and night away with her mum?

No she shouldn't. Rose is not her granddaughter. Iris is her granddaughter and, moreover, a girl whose mother died. I'm entirely in agreement with all who say that Rose and her grandmother should continue to have this time together and that it doesn't affect Rose or Rose's mum in any way.

As you say, OP, there is no reason why your MIL should consider the child of the woman you married to be related to her in any way. I have no doubt she'd be kind and pleasant to Rose, but that's all that's ever likely to happen.

Plus Rose is 16 and the two girls may never consider one another to be sisters. So long as they're kind and respectful to one another, there's no reason for them to be any more than that.

The relationship Iris has with her grandmother is absolutely none of Rose's business. Rose does not see that because she is only thirteen. What's her mother's excuse?

I find it really upsetting that your wife would even suggest this. Your DD has lost her mother and now her step mum thinks she should lose biannual trips with her grandmother. Please do not agree to this OP. The damage you will do to your relationship with your DD would be significant.

I can understand on face value it feels unfair to Rose but surely your wife and Rose must see it is unfair to ask these trips to be cancelled. Heart breaking for your MiL too who has lost her daughter, I imagine these trips mean a lot to her

The Grandmother has already brought back gifts but because it wasn't the same as Iris got Rose is still moaning.

Op you might be better putting this in relationship or bereavement boards where people are a bit more sensitive.

You really cannot ask Iris's grandmother to do any more than she has done.

If you were divorced and it was Iris's mum who was taking her on holiday nobody would expect her to take the stepsister too. I mean really how many people would take their kids stepsibling on holiday with them?

"my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time."
Your wife is wrong. And cruel. And selfish. And frankly, being a shit mother to Rose by not dealing firmly with Rose's jealousy. What kind of an adult is Rose going to develop into, once the idea that other people can have their pleasures taken from them on her say so, becomes firmly embedded?

"I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose."
Absolutely. It will drive a wedge between them. And not only between them, but also between Iris and you. Because you will have allowed it to happen. Iris will also resent you, and rightly so.

"She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals."
Ah, so 'keeping the peace' - or rather 'keeping Rose off her own back' - is her priority, is it? She won't step up to dealing with Rose's jealousy, so instead will punish Iris for having a generous grandmother. Anything for a quiet life, and to hell with everybody else!

Besides, how can they possibly feel equals when Rose has power over Iris's life? When Rose can veto Iris's relationship with Iris's grandmother? Iris will become resentful (rightfully so) and Rose - well, depends on her personality, but on the details given I'd wonder if she'd feel emboldened to flex her muscles a bit more and have her wishy-washy pandering mother curtail Iris's life even more - just because she can.

"I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we treat them equally."
Exactly so. It is also interfering with the relationships between Iris or Rose and their family members. You have no right to insist on restrictions between Rose and her grandparent / aunts / uncles, and your wife has no right to restrict the relationship between Iris and her grandmother / any other relation.

Stand firm and tell your wife she's out of order and that Iris's relationship with her grandmother, and the trips they take together, will continue WITHOUT INTERFERENCE.

Your poor daughter lost her mum and your new wife is saying she can’t do a much valued trip with her grandmother because her step sister is jealous? Honestly this would be a deal breaker for me. Your daughter needs to come first. It’s not favouritism seeing her maternal grandmother. Maybe Rose’s maternal grandmother should be taking her on trips if your new wife wants everything equal.

Oh ffs you are ridiculous.

I hope the majority of the replies have validated your feelings OP. This is non negotiable. Your wife lets it go immediately and neither of them gets a say in your DD’s relationship with her grandma. It’s deal breaker stuff and very indicative of wider issues. Your DD needs to know you have her back.

Please don’t stop the trips, your daughter doesn’t have her mother anymore and as all three of them used to go on these trips together they are clearly more than just a holiday for both your mil and dd.

I’d also get your daughter a lock for her room, it sounds like the whole relationship is still fairly new if they’ve only known each other a couple of years, that doesn’t automatically mean they are now one big happy family, it takes time to build those bonds.

I think the best way forward is for your wife to talk to her DD about this as she needs to understand how important these trips are and that of course both the girls will be treated differently to one another by extended family.

Ask you wife to put herself in Iris’s grandmothers shoes. A mother who lost her daughter. A daughter who left behind a young child. She suffered the worst kind of loss imaginable. In her remaining years she derives joy from these trips. I wonder if your wife lost Rose, yet had the chance to bond and pay tribute to her daughter by making these special trips with a grandchild, would she allow a step parent to put a stop to it. To spare the feelings of a 13 yr old.

Sometimes young people who have an absent parent are indulged a bit by the present parent. I suspect your wife’s default, for too long, has been keeping Rose happy.

Definitely dig your heels in here. Your daughter has lost her mother and it is absolutely without question unreasonable to ask her to endure another ‘loss’.

@billy1966

There really haven't been any problems previous to this. They get along well and previously my wife has treated my daughter the same as how she treats her own daughter

Very well said.

They aren’t sisters. They are step sisters. We denotes they have a pet t in common but will have separate extended families.

If the dd was going away with her mother, if her mother was alive, would you insist the mother takes her exhusbands new step child?

if you think you must be kind and generous to people you aren’t related to, why isn’t the new wife and her dd being kids to a girl whose mum is dead.

The Mil has no obligation to the other child. She is concentrating on her own grandchild who has lost her mother and continuing their tradition. If the Rose does something with her dad would you expect him to take Iris?

It’s never going to be fair. Because Rose has her mum and they have different extended families.

it’s not wrong to single one child out. Because they have different relatives.

and how do you know ops marriage will last past when gbe grandmother dies? How do you know Iris, won’t move out in a few years and barely see Rose again?

This is not reflecting well on your new wife - no wonder her daughter is so entitled! She has really shown a deeply unpleasant side to her character. That she thinks it would be Ok to even suggest that your DD should stop these visits is disgusting. she should have done the complete opposite and had a strong word with her DD about being so selfish and inconsiderate.

This would change everything for me.

Whatever you do ,do not stop these trips. If you can talk with your wife and tell her this whinging and demanding needs to stop. Your daughter lost her mum. She barely sees her GM and these trips are the only chance they have to keep a connection, not just between them but with their lost loved one too. If the 13 yo struggles so much, then she and her ex /her family need to find ways to make it up to her if they so wish.

Your daughter missing out won't give her daughter any extra opportunities. It will just cause hurt to your daughter. That is not acceptable or up for discussion.

Right up until you got married?

That’s either by design on your wife’s part or you missed the red flags (plenty of us have done that).

@Mommabear20 I really like how you worded that. I'm going to have a private conversation with my wife about it first and make sure we are on the same page

Your wife is being ridiculous. Of course your daughter should continue going on these trips with her Grandma.

Your wife needs to teach your daughter a thing or two about entitlement.

Grandma was kind enough to bring gifts back for all of you and she didn't have to.

Iris has lost her mother, ffs! THAT'S what sucks.

@Ohhhhladz She doesn't see her dad very often. The last time was about 2 months ago. Other than her dad she only has her grandfather on that side of her family. I don't think they are close either. He sent her money for her birthday, but that's about it.

@JustCleaningtheBBQ 100% agree with you. Disgusting behaviour from your DW op. How dare she try and dictate your DD’s relationship with her DGM. I hope you stand firm on this for your DD’S sake. It would be a deal breaker for me.