AIBU to not stop my daughter's trips with her grandmother?

[louisart]

I remarried earlier this year. My wife and I each had daughters from previous relationships. Her daughter (Rose) is 13 and my daughter (Iris) is 16. Until recently we have all gotten along well and I think we’ve done a good job blending our families. Aside from small age related things we treat the girls the same.

The issue my wife and Rose have is that Iris has a grandmother (my late wife’s mum) who takes her on biannual trips. These trips are something they have been doing for years ever since Iris was a little girl. It was also a bonding thing for my mil and her daughter as well. The three of them used to have such a great time together. I think it’s great that they have continued doing these trips together all these years. Especially since her grandmother lives far away so they do not see each other regularly.

Rose however was very jealous after Iris came back from their trip this summer (their first trip since I remarried). Even more so when she saw the new stuff Iris had gotten (they do a little shopping when they travel). She had snuck into Iris’s room and snooped. Iris and her grandmother were also very kind to bring back a gift for me, my wife, and Rose. Rose still thought it was unfair because she only got one thing while Iris got several things.

They’ve started planning their winter trip and its really made things tense in our household. Iris had asked me and my wife what our plans were for winter break so she could figure out dates with her grandmother. Rose however overheard the conversation and now she’s mad that Iris is going on another trip.

Unfortunately my wife and I cannot afford to take Rose on a similar trip right now. I thought that we could try saving up to go someplace special in a few years, but my wife thinks that I should tell Iris and her grandmother that they cannot go on their trips at all anymore in the mean time. I feel like it’s unfair to stop these trips when she enjoys and looks forward to them so much and that stopping the trips will only cause her to resent Rose. She however said it’s unfair to Rose to continue them and that stopping them is the only way we can keep peace in our household and keep the girls feeling like they are equals. I think it unreasonable to expect them to be treated equally by each others non mutual family members and that the important thing is that we teat them equally.

Are you Rose' mum?

Tbh your daughter is 16. She doesn’t need permission from you or your wife to go on holiday with her grandmother, not much your wife could do about it anyway due to
your daughter’s age. I do think you should consider doing some sort of treat for rose at the same time, doesn’t have to be a holiday

No way should you stop your daughter going away with her grandmother. It’s their thing and always has been. Sure I read grandmother also pays for it as well, so you don’t have to pay for it either so it’s not like it’s coming out of joint finances.

Your wife’s daughter sounds very spoilt, I bet if it was the other way round she wouldn’t give up her holidays with a grandparent.

Another thing is your daughter is 16 she isn’t a child she could easily leave home if she wanted to. You don’t want to ruin your relationship with her by saying she can’t go as well as ruining a relationship with her grandmother especially after losing her mum, she could easily say fine and leave your home.

Both Rose and her mother are being v v unreasonable and it worries me that your wife thinks it's fair to ask!
You've got a big problem brewing there I think

Its a trip with her maternal grandmother, of course she should still go.
Make sure to let your wife know that her own mother is welcome to take your SD and treat her to a trip too. It's not your late wifes family job to treat your SD to trips.

Absolutely do not stop the trips, I find it outrageous that your wife wants to stop them. It is nothing to do with her. Why should your dd suffer the loss of time with her grandmother? And no, the grandmother should not have to take your new step-daughter, bizarre suggestion.

Surely, a 13 year old can be given adequate credit to cognitively understand that the person her stepsister goes on holiday with is not in the least bit related to said 13 year old, and hence these trips are nothing to do with her. What her parents or grandparents decide for her to do while the trip is ongoing is up to them.

Rose can also understand that the reason that her mum and stepdad have got together is because someone (her stepsister’s mum) has died. Does she have sufficient capacity to understand how that might feel? Perhaps she has also experienced death in the family?

Either way, this relationship between grandmother and granddaughter MUST be maintained and nurtured.

I'm not sure that focusing on 'making at at least one of the girls happy' is the way to justify these trips.

Personally I'd focus on the other person on this story. The grandmother.
If there's one person that your wife and her daughter are being REALLY unfair to, it's her. She's lost her daughter. How agonising that must have been. You don't mention a grandfather, so presumably she's alone. Unlike the rest of you, she sees little of the only person who is part of her daughter, and these holidays will be massively important to her.

I can't imagine what it would do to me if this was withdrawn from me, in her position. And to do that to a bereaved mother in order to pacify a 13 year old that she doesn't know, is spectacularly cruel.

Make that your point. It also takes the 'blame' away from your daughter.

Just show your wife this thread. If she still thinks she's right then LTB

Agreed.

You are now seeing who she really is.

Why did you rush into this?.

Do you really not understand how utterly outrageous it is for this womans daughter to be rifling through your daughters room.

Your poor daughter.

Christ, how much bad luck can one child have.
Heartbreaking.

I'd just thought this too.

Don't tell Iris any of this incase she feels guilty and decides to end her trips. That would be terribly sad for both her and for her Grandmother.

I'd say it's really important for your dd to keep on with the trips with Grandma, especially as she's lost her mum.
Your wife should maybe speak to her dad's grandparents about setting something similar up for her. She shouldn't be trying to stop this.

Don’t be ridiculous!

Ridiculous and entitled of Rose and indulgent of your DW. Stick to Iris & Grandma continuing their bi annual trips. Empirical evidence suggests the most well rounded individuals enjoy the care of a wide range of familial bonds. Iris is not spoiled, she is a young child whose mother passed away, the fact that she is able to share time with Grandma is invaluable to her well being. Be a voice and stand up for your daughter please.

@MeridianB It wasn't really a punishment for her snooping. Maybe that was a mistake, but a punishment didn't feel warranted for it at the time. We did lecture her on respecting people's privacy and boundaries. We made it clear to both the girls if they want to enter each others rooms they have to be invited. As far as I know there hasn't been another incident since.

To put it bluntly your dd doesn’t have her mum and has these trips with her dgm to maintain that family relationship. Your wife’s dd has her mum (and her own gp!) which would she rather?!! Ffs, she needs to tell ‘Rose’ to think this through and stop being s brat, you are absolutely not being unreasonable!

YANBU but your mother-in-law is. She should take both girls on the trips in future.

utter piffle. She goes away with her dead daughter's daughter. Why should she take a completely unrelated girl with her?

Rose needs to learn that life isn't always "fair". And she can be happy she still has her own mother alive.

@saraclara I'll make sure to bring up that point as well. I wouldn't want to hurt her either. She is truly a wonderful person.

Why would the mil take a child she has no relation to on a trip wise up

I don't think the trips should stop. I agree with the posters who say that Rose's mother should be taking this opportunity to help her daughter manage this jealousy - which is completely understandable for a hormonal 13-year-old. Encouraging empathy in Rose for Iris' situation of losing her mother, installing resilience to unfairness in life which is something that will come up for her again and again.

Without stopping the trips or interfering with the way your former MIL develops her relationship with Iris the two practical things to do might be:

Your wife asks her parents to do something special with Rose during the year. And your wife also does something 'treat' like with Rose once a year - perhaps not a big trip but a nice shopping experience. Then Rose has things which are special and hers alone too.

You check in with Iris (and without making her feel bad about it) see if she is aware that Rose is a bit jealous and maybe not overly rub her face in it if she's got lots of new things etc. It sounds like she doesn't do that because you said Rose only knew about all the 'stuff' by going into her room. I'm sure she wants to get home and share all the wonderful things she's done on her trip - maybe work out a way that she can do that with just you at first so all the 'and another amazing thing I did with Grandma' enthusiasm is absorbed by you and not thrown in Rose's face.

Rose is infantile and jealous, she needs to start growing up. Your DD lost her mother ffs.

You should absolutely not stop these trips. Your poor daughter lost her mother her bond with her grandmother is so much more important than most people’s.
Your wife and her daughter are utterly unreasonable. The fact that your wife is suggesting you stop these trips makes her seem like a cold heartless woman. She might not be in real life but it seems like she’s doing well at playing the wicked step mother!

This is like a cinderella scenario with wicked step mother and ugly sister

DO NOT stop these holidays your daughter will only resent you in future

I wouldn't consider a lock. What were the consequences for Rose entering her stepsisters room without permission? You both need to have a discussion with Rose that it's unacceptable to do this.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Your wife sounds awful.
If your wife wants her daughter to go on similar trips she needs to ask her family to step up or save up and arrange her own girly trip.
What if it was either girls other parent (if they were alive) taking them on holiday - would she not be happy with that either? It’s bonkers!